 
NEW Added on 6/30/2012
Q and A
Q. What should you do if your ex-wife is staggering across the yard?
A. Reload.
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NEW Added on 6/29/2012
LITTLE JOHNNY
Just as mom walks though the door,
little Johnny comes running over.
He says "Mommy, Mommy, I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in
with the lady next door and they started kissing and then.....
they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed..."
The mother interupts him.
"Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!"
When the father finally returns from work,
the mother promptly goes up to him and says
"I'm leaving you."
The father, bewildered, slowly asks "Why!?! What did I do??"
Mother turns to Johnny and says "till daddy exactly what you told me today!"
"I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door.....
and they started kissing and then they took each others clothes off and....
laid down on the bed.....
just like what you and uncle Joe did last week."
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NEW Added on 6/28/2012
.THE RABBI
A Rabbi is riding in a cab when they see a guy kicking a woman who is
lying on the sidewalk.
The cabbie zooms over, jumps out, and runs to help the lady.
The Rabbi rolls down the window, and starts yelling,
"Stop it!"
"Stop it!"
"Stop the meter!"
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NEW Added on 6/27/2012
THE DOCTORS OFFICE
A construction worker says to the doctor, "I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him, and then says, "Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table,
the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat,
and then sends him to the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says,
"Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."
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NEW Added on 6/26/2012
THE FROG
A frog calls a psychic hotline and the psychic says,
"You're going to meet a beautiful young girl.......
She will want to know everything about you."
The frog says,
"Will I meet her at a party?"
The psychic says,
"No, next year...in biology class."
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NEW Added on 6/25/2012
CHINESE HONEYMOON
A Chinese couple get married and go off on their honeymoon.
The wife is a virgin, and very shy. She climbs into bed fully clothed,
then strips off under the covers.
The husband is gentile and caring and slowly starts getting undressed.
He says to her: 'Don't worry my love, we can do this at your own pace.
You tell what you want and I will do it for you.
If there is anything I can do to put your mind at ease I do it for you, my love.
Absolutely anything...'
'How about a 69?' she asks coyly.
'A 69??' he replies shocked.
'A 69??'
'You want Kung Pow Chicken right now?'
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NEW Added on 6/24/2012
GOOD NEWS & BAD NEWS
"I have good news and bad news,"
the defense attorney told his client.
"First the bad news....
The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with
that found at the crime scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client.
"What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is only 140."
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NEW Added on 6/23/2012
THE WEDDING NIGHT
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick.
So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man planning to
screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem,
in spite of the half-century age difference.
On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him
to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom
to cover his 12 inch erection,
and he was wearing a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked,
"What are those for?"
The old man replied,
"There are two things I can't stand:
the sound of a woman screaming,...
and the smell of burning latex!"
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NEW Added on 6/22/2012
BUBBA AND EARL
Bubba and Earl were driving home from a football game when Bubba noticed
that he was almost out of gas.
Just than Earl sees a sign for a gas station that said
"Free Sex With fill up".
So they decided to stop, when they got to the station and the attendant said
"How can I help you?",
Bubba said "FILL IT UP!!".
After the attendant was finished he said "That'll be $18.95",
Bubba said, "Ok, but what about the free sex??"
The attendant said "First you have to pick a number between 1 & 10 and if
you get it right you get the sex."
Bubba and Earl thought that this is going to be very easy so
Bubba looks the guy in the eyes and say's, "7",
the guy said "no, Its 2."
So they leave.
A little way down the road Bubba said,
"Ya know Earl I think that guy played a trick on us."
Earl said "No"
"Well how do you know" asked Bubba,
and Earl said,
"Because my sister was in there twice last week and she won both times"
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NEW Added on 6/21/2012
DOE IN THE WOODS
Q. What did the doe say when she came running out of the woods?
A. I'll never do that for two bucks again.
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NEW Added on 6/20/2012
MEDICAL NEWS
The first Viagra baby's been born.
Eight pounds, twelve inches.
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NEW Added on 6/19/2012
REDNECKS
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Billy Bob Smith!
He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents raid Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they burst open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at Billy Bob and leave.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house:
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"
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NEW Added on 6/18/2012
BOY AND GIRL
A little boy and a little girl were comparing things,
each trying to outdo the other.
The little boy said, "I've got five marbles."
The little girl said, "Well, I've got six marbles."
The little boy then said, "Well, I've got eight pennies."
To which the little girl replied, "I've got a dime."
The little boy then dropped his pants and said,
"Well, I've got one of these."
The little girl proceeded to lift up her dress, and said,
"I've got one of these.........
.....and with one of these.......
I can have as many of THOSE as I want."
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NEW Added on 6/17/2012
BLONDE JOKE
Q. What does a Blonde put behind her ears to attract men?
A. Her ankles.
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NEW Added on 6/16/2012ANYTHING YOU WANT
One day, a man came home from work...
...and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightdress.
"Tie me up," she purred,
"and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
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NEW Added on 6/15/2012
BLONDE JOKE
Q. Why did the Blonde have a sore belly button ?
A. Her boyfriend was also Blonde.
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NEW Added on 6/14/2012THE YOUNG NURSE
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose...
...still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask.
"Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies "I don't know sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet!"
He struggles to ask again "Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from worry....
she overcomes her worry and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand....
and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then she takes a close look and says
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her and says very slowly:
"Thank you very much.
That was wonderful....
but listen very, very closely.
Are-My-Test-Results-Back?"
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NEW Added on 6/13/2012
BLONDE JOKE
Q. Whats a Blonde's idea of safe sex ?
A. Locking the car door
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NEW Added on 6/12/2012BAD BLIND DATE
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered.
"He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car.
What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
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NEW Added on 6/11/2012
BLONDE JOKE
Q. What do you give the Blonde that has everything?
A. Penicillin.
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NEW Added on 6/10/2012
AIRPLANE
An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers on board,
but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger, George W. Bush said,
"I am the President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility,
being leader of nearly 300 million people and a superpower."
So he takes the first parachute and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger said, "I'm Antoine Walker,
one of the best NBA basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me so
I can't afford to die."
So he takes the second parachute and leaves the plane.
The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said,
"I am New York's Senator, I am running for President,
and I am the smartest woman in the world."
So she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.
The fourth passenger, an old man, says to the fifth passenger,
a 10 year-old Boy Scout,
"I am old and frail and I don't have many years left so as a Christian gesture
and a good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The Boy Scout said,
"It's okay, there's a parachute left for you.
The world's smartest woman took my backpack."
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NEW Added on 6/9/2012
THE SPERM BANK
Q. Did you hear about the girl who was fired from her job in a sperm bank
after she became pregnant.
A. They discovered she'd been embezzling.
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NEW Added on 6/8/2012
THE DRUNK
A drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher.
The minister notices the old drunk and says,
'Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk looks back and says,
'Yes, preacher, I sure am.'
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
'Have you found Jesus?' the preacher asks.
'Nooo, I didn't!' said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says,
'Now, brother, have you found Jesus?'
'Noooo, I have not, reverend.'
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time,
brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone,
'My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?'
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
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NEW Added on 6/7/2012
THE DOCTORS OFFICE
An old couple was in the doctor's office when the nurse came in and said,
'Mr. Jones, the doctor told me that he needs you to give a urine sample,
a stool sample and a sperm sample before he examines you.'
The old man looked up at the nurse, cupped his right ear and said,
'What did you say?'
The nurse came a little closer and said very loudly,
'We're going to need you to give a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.
The old man leaned forward and said,
'What did you say, young lady?', then turning to his wife next to him he shouted,
'what did she say?'
His wife leaned over and shouted in his ear,
'She said she wants your shorts!'
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NEW Added on 6/5/2012
THE TOAST
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary,
"I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "What was your toast?"
John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the top prize the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said,
"I was a bit surprised!
You know, he's only been there twice!
Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
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NEW Added on 6/4/2012
BLONDE JOKE
A guy is sitting at a bar, staring at the sexy Blonde barmaid.
He slaps $10 on the bar and says,
"I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom."
The Blonde knows the bathroom is around the corner, so she accepts the bet.
He takes out his glass eye, places it beside his drink and goes to the bathroom.
When he comes back, he pockets the money and makes another challenge.
"Betcha I can bite my own ear," the guy says.
She accepts, and he takes out his false teeth and nips his ear.
Once more, he scoops up the money.
"OK," he says, "I'll give you a chance to win back your money.
I bet I can make love to you so tenderly that you won't feel a thing."
The Sexy Blonde knows this bet is a sure thing, so she accepts.
The guy climbs behind the bar, lifts her skirt and begins.
"I can feel you," she giggles.
"Oh well," he says,
"You win some, you lose some."
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NEW Added on 6/3/2012
SPEEDING
A cop pulls over a couple for speeding.
He walks up to the driver and says,
"I clocked you doing over 80 mph, sir".
"Gee officer," says the driver,"
I had it on cruise control at 60".
"Don't be silly dear," the wife chimes in.
"This car doesn't have cruise control."
As the cop begins to write the ticket, the husband growls to his wife,
"Can't you just shut the hell up?"
The wife smiles and says,
"You should be happy the radar detector went off when it did."
"A radar detector?" says the officer,
"That's illegal!"
He starts to write up a second ticket.
"Damn it woman," screams the husband,
"keep your damn mouth shut!"
The officer bends down, looks at the woman and asks,
"Does he always talk to you like that?"
"Oh heavens no," she replies,
"only when he's been drinking."
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NEW Added on 6/2/2012
LITTLE JOHNNY
One day the teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly said, "My family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all his sheep.
It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see New Your City and
I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated, but decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate".
Johnny said,
"My cousin Mary has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big,
she can only fasten-eight..........."
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NEW Added on 6/1/2012
MEAN BLONDE JOKE
Q. What's the advantage of being married to a Blonde?
A. You can park in handicapped zones.
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