 IQ TESTRead each line aloud: This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is dumbass cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top... 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLASSIFIED ADSCOWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed... got married, wife knows everything. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE HONEYMOONasked him how it went. "The first night we did it six times," Bill said. "The second night, five times. The third night, four times. The fourth night, three times. The fifth night, two times. The sixth night, one time, and the last night, nothing!" "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?" "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSThe probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEAs they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the Blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are, very slowly?" The Blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLASSIFIED ADSFREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSas soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DADDY, HOW WAS I BORN?The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us.... had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: ..................YOU HAVE MALE! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSthan the people who have to wait for them? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUNKCheese Sandwich: $2.50 Chicken Sandwich: $3.50 Hand Job: $20.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons to..... the exceptionally attractive blonde serving drinks. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE POPEthe driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?' 'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.' 'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen' protests the driver. 'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 100 mph. 'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 100mph. 'So bust him,' says the Chief. 'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!' 'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.. The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'A senator?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'The President?' Cop: 'Bigger.' 'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?' Cop: 'I think it's God!' The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?' Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GONE FISHINGat a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says,Yes! lots of Walleye, some Blugill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do? The wife replies; I did, they were in your tacklebox! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MARYLOUwife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name MaryLou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, MaryLou was the name of one of the horse I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?" She replied "Your horse called." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sex On The BeachAfter a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love with his wife. "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching us." "OK, lets go to the beach." "After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a Sherriff's Deputy runs into them." "Put your clothes on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public." "You're right - said the husband.... but it was a moment of weakness. We didn't see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too.... and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me." "Don't worry, you're on the force and it is your first time. But this is the third time this week I caught this nympho having sex on the beach, and she's under arrest." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THREE NUNS"I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!" "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them all in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms." "Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them," she replied. The third nun said, "Oh God." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DONATIONSto the starving people throughout the world. I told them No! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CHOKING'My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!' A man from a nearby table stood up and announced..... that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's testicles..... and squeezed...... Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. 'Thank you! Thank you!' the father cried. 'Are you a paramedic?' 'No,' replied the man. 'I work for the IRS.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSIf you change lanes in traffic, the one you were in will always move faster than..... the one you are in now? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ $5000 LOANHe said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, 'We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?' The business man replied: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ INTELLIGENCEOne said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun while you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean?" The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree, immediately clutching his hand in agony. The boss said, "That's intelligence!" The ditch digger went back to his hole, still in pain. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICETwo men are sitting in the doctor's office. One looks at the other and says, "What are you here for?" The man replies "I have a red ring around my pecker, What are you here for?" The other man says, "I have a green ring around my pecker." The doctor calls in the man with the red ring first and examines him. As he walks out he tells the other guy it was no problem. The doctor calls the man in with the green ring around his pecker and examines him. The doctor says, "Your pecker will fall off and you will die". The mans says, "What?? You told the man with the red ring he was ok, but I'm gonna die??" The doctor replies, "Yes, but there's a big difference between lipstick and gangrene!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSafter your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to go to the bathroom? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PUMPKINAs he was passing a pumpkin patch, his mind started to wander. He thought to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around for miles. He pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a nice, juicy looking pumpkin, cut the appropriate size hole in it, and began to have sex with the pumpkin. After a while he really got into it, and didn't notice the police car pulling up. The cop walked over and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are making love to a pumpkin?" The man looked at the cop in complete horror, thought fast and said, "A pumpkin? Cindy, is it midnight already?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Smugglerwhere he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams. 'What's in here?' he asked. 'Dirt,' the driver replied. 'Take them out,' the guard instructed, 'I want to check them.' Obliging, the man removed the bags, and, there was nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go. A week later the man came back, and, once again, the sentry looked in the trunk. 'What's in the bags this time?' he asked. 'More dirt,' said the man. Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and once again, he found nothing but soil. The same thing happened every day for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender. Then, one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, 'Listen, pal, drinks are on the house if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time.' Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered...... 'Cars.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSIf you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE YOUNG COUPLEHe drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the light on. The policeman walked over to the car where he saw young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cracked the window and said, "Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she is knitting a sweater." Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BUCKWHEAT AND DARLA"How do you spell 'dumb'?" Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." She says, "Buckwheat is dumb." The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid'." Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid." When the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate." Buckwheat stands and says, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." Buckwheat ponders for a few seconds, then spurts out, "I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LIFE IS BACKWARDSLife is tough. It takes up all of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young... you get a gold watch... then you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating . . . and then finish off as an orgasm!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLASS PICTUREThe children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ... she's dead." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
