 HEAVY LOADA man’s driving down the road behind an 18-wheeler. At every red light, the truck-driver gets out of his cab.... runs back and bangs on the truck door. After seeing this at several sets of lights in a row.... the car driver follows him until he pulls into a rest stop. When they’ve both come to a stop the truck driver once again jumps out.... runs to the back and starts banging on the truck door. The motorist goes up to him and says, "I don’t mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?" To which the truck-driver replies, "I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NUDIST COLONYA man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection. The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, did you call for me?" The man replied, "No, what do you mean?" She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool.... laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her.... and happily let him have his way with her. Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer. "You must be new." answered the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer. The newcomer staggered back to the colony office.... where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked. "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But, Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities." "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month.... but I fart 15 times a day." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ UGLY LADYA very ugly woman walks into a supermarket with her two kids. The supermarket security guard asks, "Are they twins?" The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?" "No," replies the guard. "I just can’t believe you got laid twice." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKESQ & A Why do Blondes have more fun? They are easier to keep amused. What does a postcard from a Blonde's vacation say? Having a wonderful time. Where am I? Why don't Blondes make good pharmacists? They can't get the bottle into the typewriter. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BITING NUTSThe Russian wrestling team and American wrestling team are having a 5-on-5 exhibition match. Both teams are down to their final wrestlers, tied at two wins apiece. The remaining American wrestler is 5'10", 175lbs., and his Russian counterpart is 6'7", 300lbs and all muscle. The American coach sends his wrestler into the match with little hope of winning. As expected, the Russian has his way with the American. Suddenly, the American explosively turns the match around.... pins the Russian, and gains the victory for the American team. The American wrestler returns to the sidelines where the coach asks him, "Son, how were you able to defeat that big Russian? Honestly, I didn't give you much of a chance." The wrestler says, "Well, coach, when he had me down on the ground all rolled up.... I saw a pair of nuts dangling in front of my face.... and I just bit them as hard as I could." The coach is shocked. "That's how you beat him?!" "Hell yeah!" the wrestler says. "You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own nuts!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LOVE POTIONA young man was smitten by a very lovely young lady. Unfortunately she did, not return the feeling. In desperation he went to a group of witches.... searching for a love potion. They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It was highly unethical to administer a potion to someone.... without her permission. But, they did have an alternate solution. They sold him a bottle of small white pellets. He was to bury one in her yard every night at midnight for a month. He returned to the witches six weeks later excited and thankful. He and the young lady were to wed in a month. The witch told him, "Nothin' says lovin' like something from a coven and pills buried say's it best." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DEAR TECH SUPPORTDear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting rules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. Desperate in Des Moines Dear Desperate in Des Moines, Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3. Tech Support ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEif she can use the store's baby scale. "Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight.. if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first." "Oh, that won't work," says the Blonde. "Why not?" asks the clerk. "Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKE"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to Blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Blonde?" "Because",he replied, "that's a microwave. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BURGLARsleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!" "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAST WISH'Can you give me one last wish?' She says, 'Anything you want.' He says, 'After I die, will you marry Larry?' She says, 'But I thought you hated Larry.' With his last breath, he says, 'I do.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LITTLE BOYso one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a policeman. The policeman asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!" The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched girls undress, I'd turn to stone... and all of a sudden I felt something hard! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKEHe sees a good looking lady sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, 'Hi there, how's it going?' She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says 'I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere!' He says, 'No kidding? What firm do you work for?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MATH LESSONThe counter girl took my $3 and I was digging for my change.... when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I tried to tell her to just give me two quarters.... but she called the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s: Teaching Math In 1950 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math In 1960 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math In 1970 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? Teaching Math In 1980 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math In 1990 A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate.... and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.) Teaching Math In 2012 Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100.! El costo de la produccisn es $80. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CINDERELLAHer fairy God-mother was very distraught. "Cinderella," she said, "Why are you crying? You have a beautiful gown, a shiny pair of glass slippers, and you're about to have one of the best evenings of your life!" But Cinderella continued to cry. "I know," she said, sobbing, "but I've looked everywhere and I can't find my diaphragm! What am I going to do!?!" she cried again. The fairy Godmother thought for a moment, and then said, "I'll make you a diaphragm, but only for tonight and you HAVE to be back by midnight or it will turn into a pumpkin." "Thank you! Thank you!" she shrieked, and she went hurrying out the door so she wouldn't be late. The fairy God-mother smiled, happy to have pleased Cinderella so much. She settled down in front of the fire to await Cinderella's return. The fairy God-mother waited. And she waited. And she waited, until finally 12 o'clock rolled around and there was still no sign of Cinderella. The fairy God-mother started to get worried. One o'clock rolled around and then came two and then three and the fairy God-mother had worked herself into a frenzy thinking about all of the horrible things that could have happened to her. Suddenly, the door swings open and Cinderella comes sauntering in in a daze with a lazy smile painted on her face, a little drunken swagger in her walk and a kind of breathless tired hello. The fairy God-mother's eyes got big and she jumps up. "What happened? Are you ok?" she said with a frantic voice. "I'm just fine," she murmured. I was on my way home when I met the most lovely man.... Peter, Peter something or other." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MENTAL HOSPITALOne day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped in, swam to the bottom and pulled her out. When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act.... he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Jim the news he said, 'Jim, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because you had the presence of mind to jump in.... and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your mental capacity. The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself with the belt from her dressing gown in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but she's dead.' Jim replied, 'She didn't hang herself. I put her there to dry.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LITTLE BIRDIt was so cold that it froze up and fell to the ground in the middle of a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the little bird singing and came to investigate. It saw the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him. The moral of the story is: 1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) When you are in Deep Shit, keep your mouth shut. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SEX STUDYof people that did not want to have sex that night. The study revealed that it is the Chinese dish called..... Won Ton because spelled backwards it is..... NOT NOW. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSI wash my mouth out with chocolate. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BIRDS AND BEESwhen her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex." The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room.... you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewelry, my dear....Jewelry" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THREE HILLBILLIESThe first hillbilly said 'My wife is so dumb, yesterday she brought home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain't even got electricity!' The second hillbilly said 'My wife is stupider than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain't even got runnin water!' The third hillbilly said 'My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of condoms layin there... and she ain't even got a wiener!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FIRE CHIEFhis new wife that their house was going to be run like a firehouse... he said that they would have sex on the bell system. He went on to say that one bell meant take your clothes off... two bells meant get into bed... and three bells meant start fooling around. The fire chief came home from work one day and decided to try out his system.... he hollered "One Bell" and she took off her clothes. He hollered "Two Bells" and she got into bed. He hollered "Three Bells" and they started having sex. A few minutes later *she* yells "Four Bells" "Four Bells?" the fire chief asks "what is four bells?" "Let out more hose, Your not anywhere near the fire!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSbefore my brain figures out what I'm doing... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TRAFFIC STOPI made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS. I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of..... She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a damn thing." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FIERY FINGERbrand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter. "What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message." Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a table. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek. Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE KOALA BEARSince he had never been with one before, he was curious and excited. They spent the night together in a hotel, and he goes down on her the next morning one last time before departing. As he was heading for the door, the prostitute yelled, 'Hey, what about my money?' The koala turned, gave her a puzzled look and shrugged his shoulders. She said, 'Come here', and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word 'prostitute' and its definition, 'Has sex and gets paid.' Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word 'koala' and showed her, 'Eats bush and leaves.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEhe decides not to say anything because he is having a good day. Again the Blonde steps on him, so he looks up at her and says, 'Hey you brunette, watch where you're going.' The Blonde looks down and says, 'I am not a brunette, I'm a Blonde.' To which the gnome replies, 'Not from where I am standing.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSI just find a bar with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEThe brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem.... but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The Blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE OLD MANHe noticed one hooker in particular and started flirting with her. The prostitute started becoming annoyed and said, "Get lost old man! You're ruining business!" "Sure would like to get some action tonight," said the old man. "You've got to be kidding! You're too old! You're all finished." "What did you say?" asked the old man. "You heard me - you're all finished." "Oh," replied the old man....... "how much do I owe you?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
