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ALEX HUNTER......
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"So Much Beauty, So Little Time..." ...A.H.

JOKES

Dec 2011
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NEW Added on 12/31/2011

HAPPY NEW YEAR



TWENTY SHOTS

A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender,

'Give me twenty shots of RedEye Whiskey, quick!' The bartender pours out the shots,
and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender says,

'Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.'

The cowboy replies,

'Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have.'

The bartender says,

'Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?'

'I have only fifty cents!


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NEW Added on 12/30/2011

Blonde Joke

The Unites States government has issued a recall on all cars and trucks that have a headlight dimmer switch on the turn signal switch.

The purpose for this is to cut the traffic accidents at night by 90%.

Apparently that the 90% that they plan to cut is from Blondes,

because they keep getting their foot stuck in the steering wheel.




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NEW Added on 12/29/2011

DNA MEDICAL UPDATE

A study proved that 90 percent of woman, at some point in their lives, have some form of intelligent DNA present in their systems.

The study also showed that of that 90 percent,

84 percent spit it back out.


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NEW Added on 12/28/2011

QUESTIONS ABOUT EVE

After spending time with Eve, Adam began to ask questions about her.

Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?

God: So you would always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?

God: So you would always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?

God: So you would always want to be near her.

Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but
why did you make her so stupid?

God: So she would love you.


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NEW Added on 12/27/2011

"Santas Pickup Lines"
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND


1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

2. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!

3. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

4. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!

5. Some of my best toys run on batteries.

6. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)

7. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?

8. Forget the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!

9. Wanna join My "Mile High" club?




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NEW Added on 12/26/2011

CHRISTMAS DAY THOUGHTS

This morning we heard a story on the radio of a woman who was out Christmas shopping with her two children.

After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable,
and after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw
on those many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator with her two kids.

She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of
the of year.

She had overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming,
taste all the holiday food and treats, getting that perfect gift for every
single person on her shopping list...

And at the same time, making sure we don't forget anyone on our card list,
and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card.

Finally, the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car.

She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and
all the bags of stuff.

When the doors closed she couldn't take it anymore and stated,

"Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up and shot."

From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet calm voice respond,

"Don't worry--we already crucified Him."

We wish you peace on earth and good will toward man.


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NEW Added on 12/25/2011

ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
A CHRISTMAS STORY

Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.

No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no damn reindeer, and no stupid clatter.

There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, my Hewlet Packard and me.

I won't race to the window, I'll have no ecstasy.
I'll just sit right here... with Windows XP.

There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.

I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.

As I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.

A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And asked, if I might like to chat for a while.

She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.

She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.

She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.

He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So, she thought she'd use it, "I guess it's all right."

She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How, she was expected to be a good wife.

She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because, she was forced, to do such silly deeds.

She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me...... she was oversexed.

She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
He's always too busy, and getting too old.

Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her, to have cyber-sex.

I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got *really* good.

After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.

She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.

She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.

She said, only.... on this night, she could be found.
It is only.... this night, her husband leaves town.

She said bye, and signed off... And, I had to pause.
I think I just cybered... with *Mrs.* Santa Claus!!!!


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NEW Added on 12/24/2011

ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE XMAS
at The SOPRANO'S HOUSE

'Twas the night before christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin,
Cause I had a gun under da pilla.

When up on da roof,
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window and yelled,
"Yo!, Keep it down."

When what to my wonderin'
eyes should appear,
But the Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer.

Wit' slicked back hair,
and a red silk suit,
Don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought all da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a wack 'side dare heads,
He shouted and swore,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Vinny, Yo Paulie,
Yo Augie, Yo Vito;
Hay Tony, Hay Joey,
Hay Frankie and Guido!"

As I pulled out my gun,
And hid by da bed,
He flew in'da window,
And smacked me in'da head!

"What da hell you doin',
Pullin' a gun on da Don?"
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin moron!"

Den shovin' his finga,
Right under my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he gave dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did not expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"




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NEW Added on 12/23/2011

SANTA AND THE ANGEL
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND

It had been a very stressful Christmas Eve for Santa.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainees couldn't do the work right.

Then Mrs. Claus said that her mother was coming for a visit,

stressing Santa even more.

When he checked on his reindeer.

Three were about to give birth, and two had run off to who knows where.

Santa then decided to get coffee and a shot of whiskey.

But the elves had hit the liquor cabinet and emptied it.

Then the doorbell rang, and Santa cussed under his breath on the way to the door.

There was this little angel carrying a big Christmas tree.

She asked,

"Hey fat man, where would you like me to put this tree?"

And that is the story of how the little angel got to be on top of the Christmas tree.


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NEW Added on 12/22/2011

THE CHRISTMAS DIVORCE
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says,

"I hate to ruin your day,

but I have to tell you that your Mom and I are divorcing;

forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,

so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,

" She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,

"You are NOT getting divorced.

Don't do a single thing until I get there.

I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.

Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay," he says,

"the kids are coming for Christmas and paying their own way."


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NEW Added on 12/21/2011

LAWYER JOKE

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed
the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and
get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if
everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply,

"except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/20/2011

THE WALMART STORE


John worked for a while at a WalMart store, selling sporting goods.

As an employee of WalMart you are sometimes required to make store wide pages,

e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."

One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message:

"I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."


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NEW Added on 12/19/2011

LAWYER JOKE

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a
felony trial--it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description
of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?

A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.

Do you trust your fellow officers?

A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE?

Let me ask you this then officer --

do you have a locker room in the police station --

a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?

A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer,

IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE,

that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share
with those officers?

A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex,

and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.


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NEW Added on 12/18/2011

THE DOCTORS OFFICE

An old man goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor,

'Help Doc, I just got married to this 21 year old woman,

she is hot and all she wants to do is have sex all day long.

"The doctor says, 'So what's the problem?"

The old man says,

"I can't remember where I live."


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NEW Added on 12/17/2011

DULL SEX LIFE

A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly.

The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce some excitement,

unexpected lust, passion and so on into the process.

He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan.

"Well," he says to the doctor,

"I did everything you suggested.

The boss let me leave work mid afternoon.

I sped home leaving rubber all over the road.

I skidded all the way up the driveway.

I slammed the door,

charged into the house

and found Sheila in the living room.

I stripped her naked and we went to it,

hot and heavy, on the coffee table!"

"And did you enjoy it!?"

asked the doctor enthusiastically.

"Well," says the guy slowly and thoughtfully,

"Yes, but the Ladies Bible Study Group has condemned us to Hell!"


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NEW Added on 12/16/2011

THE WILL

The Lawyer started to read the Will of a wealthy man to the
people named in the will.

To my wife I leave the Mansion, the Summer Home, the Yacht and $5 Million.

To my 2 loyal Executive Managers, who ran the business for me when I became Ill,

I leave the business and $1 Million each.

To my Loyal Executive Administrative Assistant, I leave $1 Million.

To my Ex Partner and Senior Vice President who secretly hated me

and did his best to undermine all my good works,

and who never thought he would be mentioned in my Will.

"Hi Bob!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/15/2011

A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall,

holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl
looked at the boy and said,

'A penny for your thoughts, Angus.'

'Well, uh, I was thinkin'...

perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss.'

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed.

The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again.

'Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.'

'Well, uh I was thinkin'...

perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle.'

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said,

'Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.'

'Well, uh I was thinkin'...

perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg.'

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.

Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch
before the girl spoke again.

'Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.'

The young man glanced down with a furled brow.

'Well, noo,' he said,

'my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.'

'Really?' said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

'Aye,' said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush,
and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

And he said,

'Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/14/2011

KAY AND JAMES

Kay was a beautiful girl.

As she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day,
the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim.

She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank
and dived in.

A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes.

Having gotten out of the water and discovered that her clothes had been stolen,

Kay decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home.

Along came James, riding a bicycle.

He stopped for Kay. "Come on," he said. "I'll ride you into town."

She jumped on his bicycle and rode sidesaddle in front of James.

James said nothing, but after ten minutes Kay was so overwhelmed at how calm
he was that she said,

"Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?"

"Sure," said James.

"Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girls bike?"


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NEW Added on 12/13/2011

OVERDUE

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms
around his neck:

'Darling, I have great news:

I'm a month overdue.

I think we're going to have a baby!

The doctor gave me a test today, but we have to wait until tomorrow
before we find out for sure, so we can't tell anybody.'

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell,

because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill:

'Are you Mrs Smith?

You're a month overdue, you know!'

'How do YOU know?' stammers the young woman.

'Well, ma'am, it's in our files!'

says the man from the electric company.

'What are you saying? It's in your files?????'

'Absolutely.'

'Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight.'

That night, she tells her husband about the visit,

and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices
the first thing the next morning.

'What's going on here?

You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?

What business is that of yours?' the husband shouts.

'Just calm down,' says the clerk, 'it's nothing serious.

All you have to do is pay us.'

'PAY you? and if I refuse?'

'Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off.'

'And what would my wife do then?' the husband asks.

'I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle.'


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NEW Added on 12/12/2011

$20 FOR SEX

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night
and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years,
him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state.

Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by
corporate downsizing and its effects on a 50 year old executive.

Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 30 years
totalling nearly $1 million dollars.

Pointing across the street she gestured toward the local bank while
handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and
informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.

She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex,
and this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the wall.

She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied,

'If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/11/2011

VALENTINES CARDS TO YOUR EX SPOUSE

Valentines Greetings

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life...

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Valentines Greetings

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin my life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Valentines Greetings

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Valentines Greetings

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for Valentines Day.

So we're having you put to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




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NEW Added on 12/10/2011

THE GENIE

A guy finds a magic lamp, rubs it, and out comes a Genie.

The Genie gives the man 3 wishes, but ads the caveat that whatever
he wishes for goes twice for his ex partner.

"I wish to have 10 million dollars,tax free" the man says.

The Genie grants his wish and gives double the amount to his ex partner .

"I wish for a loving, sexy, beautiful woman who is eternally devoted to me."

The Genie grants his wish and gives two such woman to his ex partner.

After some pause the man begins to smile.

Intrigued, the Genie asks,

"What is your final wish, my Master."

The man replied, "I wish to donate a kidney and a testicle."


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NEW Added on 12/9/2011

LAWYER JOKE

Three men were traveling in rural Kansas when their car broke down,
whereupon they sought shelter at the nearest farmhouse.

The farmer only had two spare beds, and, of course, his daughter’s,
but since he had heard all of those stories he informed the men that
one of them would have to sleep in the barn.

One of them, a very polite Hindu mathematician, immediately volunteered
and went out to the barn.

A short time later there was a knock on the door,
and there was the Hindu, very apologetically explaining that there
were cows in the barn, and because of his religious convictions,
he didn't think he could remain there.

A second man, a conservative rabbi, now volunteered and went.

But a short time later, there was a knock on the door and he too was back,
explaining that since there was a pig in the barn, he too would be quite
uncomfortable out there.

Whereupon the third man, a practicing lawyer, agreeably proceeded out
to the barn.

In a little while, there was a knock on the door,

when they went to answer it, there were the cows and the pig.


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NEW Added on 12/8/2011

IN COURT

The accused stood before the judge only to hear that court would
be adjourned for the day and he would have to return the next day.

"Why?" the man yelled at the judge.

The judge, equally irked by a tedious day and the mans rude behavior,

roared, "Fifty dollars....contempt of court. That's why!

Upon noticing the man was checking his wallet, the judge relented.

"That's all right.

You don't have to pay the fine right now.

The man replied,

"I'm just seeing if I have enough to say three more words."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/7/2011

AT THE OFFICE

The secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.

The boss called her into his office and said,

"Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while,

but that's over.

I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.

Who told you you could come and go as you please around here?"

Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling

said, "My lawyer."


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NEW Added on 12/6/2011

THE DOCTORS OFFICE

Doctor,' the embarrassed man said,

'I have a sexual problem.

I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

'Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and
let me see what I can do.'

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.

'Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett,' the medic said.

'Now turn all the way around.

Lie down please.

Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on.'

The doctor took the husband aside.

'You're in perfect health,' he said.

'Your wife didn't give me an erection either.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/5/2011

THE INSANE ASYLUM

Two inmates have escaped from their cells,

and are up on the roof of the insane asylum.

In the moonlight they can see the entire city stretching out before them.

The only thing denying them freedom is a six foot jump to the next building.

The first guy takes a run-up and clears the gap easily

and calls to the other to follow.

But the second guy freezes and shouts back

'I can't do it, it's too far.'

'Don't worry,' says the first guy, 'I've an idea.'

So he takes a flashlight out of his pocket, and shines it across the gap.

'Now you can walk across the beam.'

'You must think I'm crazy' replies the second guy,

'you'd turn it off when I was halfway across.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/4/2011

"BOND", .....JAMES BOND

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to
a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks,

'Is your date running late?'

'No,' he replies,

'Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch.

I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says,

'A state-of-the-art watch?

What's so special about it?'

Bond explains,

' It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says,

'What's it telling you now?'

Bond:

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties....'

The woman giggles and replies,

'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties'.

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says,

'Bloody thing's an hour fast.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/3/2011

BLONDE JOKE

A Blonde was driving down the highway when her cel phone rang.

It was her husband, urgently warning her:

'Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way
on the expressway.

Please be careful!'

'It's not just one car!' said the Blonde.

'There's hundreds of them!'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/2/2011

OLYMPIC CONDOMS

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

'Olympic condoms?' she blurts.

'What makes them so special?'

'There are three colors,' he replies.

'Gold, Silver and Bronze.'

'What color are you going to wear tonight?' she asks cheekily.

'Gold of course,' says the man proudly.

The wife responds, 'Why don't you wear Silver.

It would be nice if you came second for a change!'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/1/2011

THREE TRAVELERS IN ONE BED

Three guys are traveling and they need to get a room for the night.

They put all of their money together but they still only had enough money
to get one room, so that meant they all had to sleep in one bed.

They slept that night and when they woke up the guy on the far left said,

'I had the weirdest dream, I dreamed that I was masturbating.'

The guy on the far right said, 'I had the same dream.'

The guy in the middle said,

'Man, I dream't I was cross-country skiing.'


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