 
NEW Added on 9/30/2011
THREE DRINKS
Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman.
Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her.
He buys her a drink and then another and then another.
After this and the accompanying small talk, Joe asks her back to his place
for a "good time."
"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am?
I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"
"OK," replies Joe,
"so how many does it take?"
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NEW Added on 9/29/2011
BLONDE JOKE
A Blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's
deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up.
The Blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt.
"Gee, that's nice.
What did you name the other one?"
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NEW Added on 9/28/2011
JESUS AND THE REDNECK
The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and
with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool,
pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and said,
"Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.
The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement.
He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti.
He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there.
The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.
The third patron, a Georgia Redneck, swaggered in and hollered.
"Barkeep, set me up a cold one.
Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"
The barkeep nodded, and the Georgia Redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg,
and he got up and danced a jig to the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!"
The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head
and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the Georgia Redneck,
and the Redneck jumped back and exclaimed,
"Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!"
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NEW Added on 9/27/2011
IN THE BAR
One night, this guy comes into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
Then he asks for another.
After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy
"and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while.
"But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?"
asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last day."
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NEW Added on 9/26/2011
THE DRUNK
The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk,
"you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir.
I'll change your from 502 to 555.
Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk,
"it's on fire."
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NEW Added on 9/25/2011
THE PHARMACY
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax
and proceeded to the check-out counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy,
'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know how these are used?'
The boy replied,
'Not exactly, but they aren't for me.
They are for my brother, he's four.
We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
He can't do either one.'
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NEW Added on 9/24/2011
THE WISDOM OF SOCRATES
In ancient Greece Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem.
One day an acquaintance of his met the great philosopher at the market
and said:
'Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?'
'Hold on a minute,' said Socrates,
'before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a test I developed.
It is called the 'Triple Filter' Test.'
'Triple filter?'
'Yes, that's right,' Socrates said.
'Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment
and filter what you're going to say.
The first filter is the TRUTH.
Have you made absolutely certain that what you are about to tell me is the Truth?'
'No', the man said. 'I can't be positive it's true. Actually I just heard it....'
'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of GOODNESS.
Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?'
'No, on the contrary....'
'So', Socrates continued,
'you want to tell me something bad about my friend and you're not certain it's true.
You may still pass the test though, there is one filter remaining.'
'This is the filter of USEFULNESS.
Is what you are about to tell me about my friend going to be Useful to me?'
'No, not really.'
Well', concluded Socrates,
'If what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful then
why tell me at all?'
That is why Socrates was held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that .......
his best friend was having an affair with his wife.
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NEW Added on 9/23/2011
BLONDE JOKE ONE-LINERS
Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
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NEW Added on 9/22/2011
THE MOVIES
For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town
to the city to attend a movie.
After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.
Handing the attendant $5.00, he couldn't help but comment,
"The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied,
"You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."
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NEW Added on 9/21/2011
BLONDE JOKE
Q: A Blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please.......
I could never eat twelve pieces."
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NEW Added on 9/20/2011
GOING TO HELL
A gentleman died and arrived in hell.
He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder more gentle hell,
each person is offered three choices of torture.
The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1000 year cycles and
you could pick which cycle in which to begin.
So the Devil took the man to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet
and was being whipped with chains.
The man said he did not think that was where he wanted to start.
They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and
was being whipped by a Cat-O-Nine-Tails.
The man also declined this form of torture.
The third room had a man strapped to the wall naked and a very beautiful
young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him.
The man told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted.
The Devil said 'Are you sure? It lasts for 1000 years.
The man assured him that this was the punishment he wanted.
So the Devil walked over to the young woman and said
'You can go now. I've found your replacement.'
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NEW Added on 9/19/2011
BLONDE JOKE ONE-LINERS
Q: Why did the Blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
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NEW Added on 9/18/2011
THE BAR
Note: Dean Martin's Favorite Joke
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender asks him "What'll it be?"
The grasshopper says "I don't care".
The bartender says...
"Did you know that we have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper looks up at the bartender as says...
"You have a drink named Irving?"
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NEW Added on 9/17/2011
BLONDE JOKE ONE-LINERS
Q: What do you call it when a Blonde dyes her hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
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NEW Added on 9/16/2011
BLONDE JOKE ONE-LINERS
Q: What does a Blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
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NEW Added on 9/15/2011
BLONDE JOKE
A Blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly
that day.
As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her
on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and
sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.
"I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful,
and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry
that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.
He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said,
"I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher,
I was starting to get cold.
I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
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NEW Added on 9/14/2011
DRUNK JOKE
An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is
waiting for her date.
The drunk just won't take no for an answer.
"Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me
that my vibrator can't!" the lesbian smirks.
The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment.
"Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"
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NEW Added on 9/13/2011
TOUGH GUY
Into a Memphis tavern walked a hard looking bucko.
Looked the crowd over and said:
"I'm the toughest guy in this town.
I'm the fightingest gent in this state.
In fact, I'm the toughest guy in the world."
With that, a little, sawed-off, lightweight gent hauled off
and socked the big boy on the chin...
knocking him unconscious against a hot stove.
When he came to, he dopily glanced at the little guy
who punched him out and said,
"Who are you?"
"Who am I ?????
I'm the guy you thought you were when you came in here."
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NEW Added on 9/12/2011
IN THE BAR
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in West Virginia.
He struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar.
After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle
and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.
"Say, how hold are you anyway?"
the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen, " she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen???
My God girl!!!
You get those clothes back on at once and get the hell outta here!
Are you crazy?" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the rejected nymphet smiled and said,
"Superstitious, huh?"
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NEW Added on 9/11/2011
10th Anniversary SEPTEMBER 11th
No Joke today.
Don't ever forget SEPTEMBER 11, 2001!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/10/2011
THE CONFESSION
There once was a young woman who went to confession.
Upon entering the confessional she said,
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said,
"Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
"Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice.
The young woman asked,
"Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
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NEW Added on 9/9/2011
THE DRUNK
A drunk was staggering down the main street of the town.
Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into
the building,where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to
a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and, figuring the
fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of
the confessional.
But his attention was rewarded only by a grunt followed by a lengthy silence.
Finally he asked, "May I help my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition.
"You got any toilet paper on your side?"
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NEW Added on 9/8/2011
QUICKIE MARRIAGE
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said,'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon
at a very nice resort.
One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel,
climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer,
followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he
straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion.
You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.
After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool,
lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said,
'I was a hooker in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the river.'
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NEW Added on 9/7/2011
NUDE SUNBATHING
A man is lying on an empty beach, sunbathing in the nude.
He looks up to see a little girl approaching him.
He looks frantically for something to cover himself with.
He quickly grabs a magazine he was reading and puts it over himself.
The little girl comes up and asks what is under the magazine.
"A sleeping bird" the man says. "Don't disturb it".
The girl leaves, and the man falls asleep shortly after.
When he wakes up he is in a hospital with his crotch in extreme pain.
The doctors ask him what happened to him.
He tells them that he told a little girl it was a bird, and then went to sleep.
The doctors sent police to the beach to find the girl.
When they find her, they ask her what happened.
She told them,
"I got curious about the bird that the man hid.
When I woke it up and began to play with it, it spit on me.
So I broke its neck, cracked it's eggs, and lit it's nest on fire."
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NEW Added on 9/6/2011
TWO DRUNKS
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could
buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too!
Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks:
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too!
Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62,too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender.
"The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
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NEW Added on 9/5/2011
BLONDE JOKE
Q: What did the Blonde say when she looked inside a Cheerios box?
A: Oooo! Look! Donut seeds!
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NEW Added on 9/4/2011
IN THE BAR
A man walks into a bar looking disappointed and carrying a black bag
over one shoulder.
He sits down at the bar.
The bartender walks up.
"What`s in the bag?", asks the bartender.
The man puts the bag on the bar, reaches in and pulls out a baby grand piano,
a small bench and a 12 inch tall man wearing a top hat and a tux with tails.
The 12 inch tall man sits down at the piano and begins playing Beethoven.
"That`s amazing!" says the bartender, his eyes wide with disbelief.
"Where did he come from?".
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp.
"Rub the lamp" he says, pushing the lamp toward the bartender.
The bartender grabs the lamp and begins rubbing it vigorously.
Out pops an old, wrinkled genie.
"I grant you one wish" he says to the bartender.
"I want a million bucks!" says the bartender.
"Done" says the genie.
The genie disappears back into the lamp.
Moments pass.
Suddenly a duck appears on the bar with a poof.
Then another....and another.
They appear on the bar stools...on the tables...
on the Budweiser sign on the wall. POOF...POOF...POOF.
Thousands...tens of thousands of ducks begin to fill the bar!
"Christ!" shouts the bartender.
"I didn’t say ducks!" he yells, "I said bucks!".
The man at the bar looks at the bartender,
"You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
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NEW Added on 9/3/2011
IN THE BAR
A man walks into a bar and asks for 2 shots for him and his buddy.
Bartender says,
"Do you want them both now, or do you want me to wait til
your buddy gets here first?"
The guy says, "Oh I want them both now, I've got my best
buddy in my pocket right here."
He then pulls out a 3 inch man and puts him on the table.
The bartender was astonished.
"Do you mean to say he can drink a whole drink?"
"Sure, he can drink it all. Pour it on."
Sure enough, the bartender watches in amazement as the little guy
drinks down two full shots.
"That's amazing. Can he walk?"
The guy flicks a coin and says,
"Hey, Rodney, go get the coin," and Rodney runs off after it.
"Unreal. Can he do anything else? Can he talk?"
"Of course he can.
Hey Rodney -- tell the bartender about the time
you called that witch doctor a 'jackass'."
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NEW Added on 9/2/2011
THE LITTLE BOY
A little boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ.
Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother.
She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father.
His father is also busy so he goes outside and sees a bum in an alley.
He asks the bum, "Who's Jesus Christ?"
The bum replies, "Well, son, I am."
The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof.
So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street
They walk up to the bar and the bartender shouts,
"Jesus Christ, are you in here again?"
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NEW Added on 9/1/2011
DREAMS
Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.
'I dreamed I was on vacation,' one man said fondly.
'It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake.
What a dream.'
'I had a great dream too,' said the other.
'I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.'
His companion looked over and exhorted,
'You dreamed you had two women, and you didn't call me?'
'Oh, I did,' said the other,
'but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing.'
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