FORMER PRESIDENTSand a very fat lady were in a train carriage. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek. The blonde thought, 'that rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.' The fat lady thought, 'that dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.' Bill Clinton thought, 'George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.' George Bush thought, 'I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BAD NEWSFor two weeks, the Coast Guard can't find a trace. Then one night he answers the door and is greeted by two grim-faced policemen. The first one says, "We're sorry to be the ones to tell you, sir, but we have some information about your wife. We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" The man says, "Give me the bad news first." The cop says, "We found your wife's body in the bay this morning." He says, "My God!!. What's the good news?" The second cop says, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters on her." The man says, "So, what's the great news?" The first cop says, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A NAKED WOMAN2. Would you like to borrow my razor? 3. I would really enjoy you putting your ankles behind your neck. 4. Care to taste my Italian Sausage? 5. Let's play choo-choo train..... I'll be the train and you be the tunnel. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKEThe Doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine." The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession." The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. "Ah," he says, "but who do you think created the Chaos?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PILOTSThe entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start. The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AA. She found out that Big Ben is just a clock. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AA. To stop the snoring before it starts. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AA. Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEA Blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She said that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there." If your not sure what a 710 is........... Turn the 710 upside down...... It now say's...... OIL!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TRIBUTE TO RODNEY DANGERFIELDIt's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, but she won't drink from my glass! My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen.... the roaches hang themselves. My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee......... The only trouble was, she was coming home. My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GOOD REASONS FOR WOMEN TO SAY NO!For those who have children nearing age 10, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape...... It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. NOTE: A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh", it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. 10. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. 11. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old. 12. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. 13. Super glue is forever. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Women Seeking MenDon't call me if you are uneducated; unemployed; married; still live with your mother; use drugs; smoker; have STD's; felon; under 5'10"; over 40 years old; over 6'8"; over 230 pounds; love cats; attend Star Trek conventions; under 30 years old; love channel surfing; make less than $80,000 annually; or have body parts pierced. Others feel free. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NYC GUYThe judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. "Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the man. "I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof." said the little man. "Yes, go on," said the astounded judge. "Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. I got in line to check them out and they told me my library card had expired and... I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line..... to get the forms requesting a new card. I filled out my forms for another card. And got back in another line for my card." "And?" said the judge. "And the man at the counter asked, 'Can you prove you're from New York City?' So I stabbed him." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE STORK"How was I born?" "Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us." "Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted. "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a bit. The next day, the boy handed in his paper. The teacher read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ALZHEIMER RESEARCHThat over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's Disease research. It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE ONE LINERSA: She has a checkbook. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ QUICK COMBACK"Would you like to dance?" The girl says, "I don't like this song........ but even if I did......... I wouldn't dance with you." The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me....... I said you look fat in those pants. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEA. A Blonde at a flashing red light. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEA: Opens the car door. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEA: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho says, "Are you done already?" The Blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LIMERICKWho went to parties and danced a lot When making a pass at a young pretty lass The front of his pants would advance a lot! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE OSTRICHThe waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to The ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir, How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket...... and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEQ: How do you get a one-armed Blonde out of a tree? A: Wave to her. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE WEDDINGTo keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the couples families had a storming fight and begin wrecking the reception hall and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting "Silence in Court." The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK." "Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song...... and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick in her privates." The Judge instantly responded... "Wow.. that must have hurt!" Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEA: She kept throwing out all the "W"s ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. & A.A. He was charged with "Assault with a Dead Weapon". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. & A.A. Because a women knows, if he'll eat one of those things, he'll eat anything. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEover her ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ VIAGRA NEWSingredients in Viagra. 2% aspirin 2% ibuprofen 1% Vitamin C 95% Fix-A-Flat. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RYE BREADabout his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active. The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital. "Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically." The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the baker that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock... ...The baker then asks the man, "do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?" The man looks puzzled and asks the baker, "what is the difference?" The baker responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster." To which the man responded, "How come everyone knew about this but me......?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEchip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor. 
|