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"So Much Beauty, So Little Time..." ...A.H.


Nov 2022
NEW Added on 11/30/2022


A drunk is weaving down the road when a cop pulls him over.

The cop says,

"Did you know that a few intersections back your wife fell out of the car?"

The drunk says,

"That's great news.

For a minute, I thought I'd gone deaf."


NEW Added on 11/29/2022


"My, oh my" exclaims this lady after having gazed at the child sitting in the stroller

of her friend,

"what an extraordinary baby!

Blue eyes, but slant-eyed, curly hair, but blonde, and olive skin......

I've never seen anything like it!"

"Well, yeah" says her friend,

"actually, he's the result of a group sex evening...

Honestly, we're just so happy he doesn't bark!"


NEW Added on 11/28/2022


A bunch of guys were working on a 50 story construction site,

a guy working at the top accidentally knocked a brick off the 50th story,

when looking down he saw that his boss was in line to get hit by the brick,

and yelled, "Falling Brick".

The boss looked up after hearing the yell and moved to one side

as the brick crashed to the ground.

The boss looked up at the worker and yelled,

"A $100 bonus for you!".

Another guy working a floor below had observed what happened with the brick

and decided he wanted a $100 bonus too.

Unfortunately, he was a bit of a stutterer,

as he kicked the brick off the side of the building he looked down and yelled

with a loud voice,

f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f..... "Forget it, you're Dead"


NEW Added on 11/27/2022


Q. Why should you never give a Blonde a coffee break?

A: It's too hard to re-train them.


NEW Added on 11/26/2022


An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates.

An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter,

checked his dossier and grimly said, 'Ah, you're an engineer;

you're in the wrong place.'

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied

with the level of comfort in hell,

and began designing and building improvements.

After a while, the underworld had air conditioning,

flush toilets, and escalators,

and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer,

'So, how's it going down there in hell?'

Satan laughed and replied, 'Hey, things are going great.

We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,

and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.'

God's face clouded over and he exploded,

'What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake;

he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.'

Satan shook his head, 'No way.

I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.'

God was as mad as he had ever been,

'This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it.

Send him back up here or I'll sue.'

Satan laughed uproariously,

'Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?'


NEW Added on 11/25/2022


Once upon a time a baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk.

He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

"Are you my doctor?" he asked.

"Yes, I am," said the doctor.

The baby said,

"Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."

He looked at his mother and asked,

"Are you my mother?"

"Yes, I am," she said.

"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked,

"Are you my father?"

"Yes, I am," his father answered.

The baby motioned him close,

then poked him on the forehead with his index finger seven times saying,

"I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"


NEW Added on 11/24/2022


The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked -

You're supposed to turn your clock back".


NEW Added on 11/23/2022

Q & A

Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

A. Erotic is using a feather.....

....kinky is using the whole chicken.


NEW Added on 11/22/2022


Our last fight was my fault,

my wife asked me what was on the T V and I said



NEW Added on 11/21/2022


Three Blondes were walking through the desert

when they found a magic genie's lamp and the Genie said,

"I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."

The first said, "I wish I were smarter."

So she became a redhead.

The second Blonde said,

"I wish I were smarter than her."

She became a brunette.

The third Blonde said,

"I wish I were smarter than both of them."

So she became a man.


NEW Added on 11/20/2022



Just got scammed out of $25.

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".

Turns out it's about golf.

Absolute waste of money!

Pass this on so others don't get scammed.


NEW Added on 11/19/2022


Q: What is it called when a Blonde blows in another Blonde's ear?

A: Data transfer.

Q: What do you call 10 Blondes standing ear to ear?

A: A wind tunnel.

Q: Why did the Blonde nurse bring a red marker to work?

A: In case she had to draw blood!


NEW Added on 11/18/2022


I just realized something.

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year,

if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs,

but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

I was just thinking about all this and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks...

My dog is a CONGRESSMAN !!!


NEW Added on 11/17/2022


Joe sets up Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of his.

But Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he's

never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike,

"I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first.

If you like what you see then everything goes as planned.

If you don't just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out

he is awestruck at how beautiful she is.

He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts.....



NEW Added on 11/16/2022


A guy walked into a bar and noticed a beautiful blonde sitting at the bar.

He walked up to her and said

'Can I buy you a drink?'

She replied

'Yes you may, but you won't get to first base with me.'

'And why not?' replied the guy.

'Because I'm a lesbian.' she replied.

'Oh, so you're from Lebanon.'

'You don't know what a lesbian is, do you?'

'No, I can't say I do.' replied the guy.

'Let me try to explain.' said the blonde.

'You see that girl at the end of the bar?

Well, I would like to make passionate love to her, and kiss her naked body

all over, all night long.'

She looked aside and saw the guy with his head down sobbing uncontrollably.

'What's the matter with you?!'

The guy slowly looked up at her and said

'My GOD... I think I'm a lesbian, too!'


NEW Added on 11/15/2022


A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us

sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful.

Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us knows the long term harm

caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have,

or will, eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering

for years after eating it?'

A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said,

' Wedding cake.'


NEW Added on 11/14/2022

Men Seeking Women

Thick glasses, HP calculator, S.A.T.99th percentile, knows pi to 32 digits.

Great job, Net worth mid-seven figures, big house, pool. SWM, 43, 5'10", 235 lbs.

Better looking than Bill Gates, except bald.


NEW Added on 11/13/2022


A young guy sees an old couple in a diner.

They've got one meal, and an extra cup.

He watches the old guy divide the hamburger in half, then count out the fries,

one for him, one for her, until each of them had half.

Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and put it in front of his wife.

Then the old man began to eat, as his wife sat watching.

The young guy says,

"Can I buy you folks a second meal?"

The old guy says,

"Oh, no. We've been married for fifty years, and everything we have

has always been shared fifty-fifty."

The young guy says to the wife,

"Are you going to eat?"

She says,

"Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."


NEW Added on 11/12/2022


A guy and a girl are parked, and they're making out.

Just as things are really getting hot, she stops him and says,

"I should have said something sooner, but I'm a hooker and I charge

twenty dollars for sex."

The guy pays her and they get back to business.

After they finish, the guy sits back in the driver's seat and stares out the window.

The girl says, "Why aren't we going anywhere?"

He says,

"I should have said something sooner, but I'm a taxi driver,

and the fare back to town is twenty-five bucks."


NEW Added on 11/11/2022


An angel appears in a college classroom and says to the professor,

"I will grant you absolute wealth or absolute knowledge."

The professor says, "Absolute knowledge."

The angel disappears, and the professor is speechless for a couple of minutes.

Then one of the students says,

"So, professor, what are you thinking?"

The professor says,

"I should have taken the money."


NEW Added on 11/10/2022

Q & A

Q. What's the difference between northern zoos and southern zoos?

A. Northern zoos have the name of the animal in English and Latin and

southern zoos have the name of the animal and the recipe.


NEW Added on 11/9/2022

Q & A

Q. How do you know your girlfriend is too hairy?

A. Her Epilady has a grass-catcher.


NEW Added on 11/8/2022


A woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two size C batteries.

The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way,"

He heads towards the back of the store.

"If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk,

"I wouldn't need the batteries."


NEW Added on 11/7/2022


A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde are in the Xerox room at work.

The Brunette looks in the corner and says,

"That looks like a semen stain."

The Redhead bends over and touches it and says,

"It feels like semen, too."

The Blonde reaches down, touches it, and then tastes it.

She says,

"It tastes like semen,

but it's not from any of the guys in this office."


NEW Added on 11/6/2022


A new monk arrives to join the others copying ancient records.

He notices they're copying by hand books that had already been copied by hand.

He says, "Forgive me, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error.

How do we know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes?"

The head monk says, "That is a good point, my son.

I will take one of these new copies down to my vault and study it against

the original document."

The old monk goes into the vault to study.

The day passes, and it's getting late in the evening, and the other monks

start to get worried about him, so one of them goes looking for him.

As he's walking through the catacombs, he hears sobbing.

He says, "Holy Father?"

The sobbing gets louder as he gets near.

Finally he finds the old priest sitting at a table with both the new copy

and the original ancient book in front of him.

He says, "Father, what's wrong?"

The old monk says, "The word is celebrate."


NEW Added on 11/5/2022


Bill Clinton and Al Gore are sitting in a diner.

The waitress says, "Ready to order?"

Clinton says, "Yeah. I'd like a quickie."

The waitress says,

"A quickie?

Mr. President, I don't think that's a real good idea.

I'll come back when you're ready to order from the menu."

Al Gore leans over and says,

"It's pronounced "quiche."


NEW Added on 11/4/2022


A man enters a barbershop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up,

he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

"Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest
shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech,

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber.

"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does..."


NEW Added on 11/3/2022


Q: Why won't they hire a Blonde pharmacist?

A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Q: How can you tell if a Blonde works in an office?

A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.

Q: How can you tell if a Blonde writes mysteries?

A: She has a checkbook.


NEW Added on 11/2/2022

Applying For Social Security

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line for quite a long time he arrived at the counter.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

'Will I have to go home and come back now?' he asks.

The woman says, 'Unbutton your shirt.'

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,'

as she processes his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife

about his experience at the Social Security office.

She says, 'You should have dropped your pants,

you might have qualified for disability, too.


NEW Added on 11/1/2022


A kid comes home from his first day in kindergarten.

He says,

"Ma, I can't go back to that school.

Everybody calls me big head, fat head, you got a big fat disgusting head.

I can't go back to that school."

His mother says,

"Johnny, don't be ridiculous. You're beautiful.

You're the best looking kid in your class.

Now run down to the deli and get me three six-packs of beer."

He says, "How am I gonna carry 'em?"

She says, "Put 'em in your hat."