ADAM & EVE
"It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth.
I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'"
So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and
took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said,
"Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied,
"Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that.
Now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'"
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam
went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said,
"Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said,
"You've done well Adam.
Now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'"
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush,
but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said,
"Lord, what is a 'headache?'"
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
where they were making out.
The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky,
so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.
"NO!" said the Blonde.
The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet.
Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.
"NO!" the Blonde said again.
Things got even hotter and the Blonde was down to her bra and the guy
even had her pants unzipped.
"Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?" asked the guy.
"For the last time, NO!" said the Blonde.
Frustrated, the guy asked,
"Well, why the hell not?"
The Blonde looked at him and said,
"Because I wanna stay up here with you."
Q and A
A: A pimp.
She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret.
The priest then tells her that her secret is safe
in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, 'Father, I never wear panties under my habit.'
The priest chuckles and says,
'That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette.
Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers,
and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.'
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone,
but just as he's dialing, his 4- year-old son comes up and says,
"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
past his screaming wife, and rips open the closet door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You bastard," says the husband,
"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around
with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
start with a small country.
"Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?"
To which she replied,
"Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm."
"Really?" he said excitedly.
"Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word 'warm'."
John was pleased until he went home and, checked his dictionary and found,
"WARM: Not so hot."
IN THE BAR
Some guys decide to be good Samaritans and get him home.
So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door.
On the way to the car, he falls down three times.
When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and,
he falls down four more times.
They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"
The man's wife says,
"Where the hell is his wheelchair?"
If you don't feel well, and make an appointment to go to the doctor,
by the time you get there you'll feel better.....
But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick?
she ran to the phone and called the fire department and said,
"HELP!! you have to get here now my house is on fire!"
And the fireman on the other end said
"How do we get to your house??"
She just kept saying "you have to get here now, my house is on fire".
Again the fireman asked "how do we get to your house??".
And then she said
"DRIVE YOUR BIG RED TRUCK!!" and hung up!
They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact
the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.
True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world
exactly 30 days later.
At the seance, she called out,
"John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
A ghostly voice answered her,
"Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked,
"Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
There are azure skies, a soft breeze, and sunshine most of the time."
"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.
"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat a good breakfast,
and there's nothing but making love until noon.
After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five.
After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."
Martha was somewhat taken aback.
"Is that what heaven is really like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."
"Well, then, where are you?"
"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."
She drives all the way to apply for a passport.
In the passport office, the government official sees that she is
visibly puzzled filling her passport application.
The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees the Blonde trying to write
'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.
The official explains:
"No, no, no.
That is not what we mean by this question.
We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."
"Doesn't matter," the Blonde answers.
TRIBUTE TO JEWISH MOTHERS
"Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"
MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?"
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked
their son what they were having.
"Goat," Little Johnny replied.
"Goat?" said the startled man of the cloth,
"Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said Johnny
"I heard Pa say to Ma,
'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
IN THE BAR
Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives,
while the third remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said,
Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?
The third fellow said, I'll tell you.
Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.
The first two guys were amazed. Wow! What happened then? they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed, and uttered,
She said, Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.
THE NEW BABY
Unfortunately, the baby was born with no ears.
When they arrived home from the hospital,
the new parents invited Little Johnny's family over to see the new baby.
Little Johnny's parents being very afraid their son would have a wise crack
to say about the baby had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.
They said, 'Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears.
We want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears,
or you're really going to get your bottom spanked when we get back home.'
'Okay,' said little Johnny, 'I promise not to mention his ears at all.'
So off they went to see the new baby.
At the neighbors home Little Johnny leaned over the crib
and touched the baby's hand gently.
He looked at it's mother and said, 'Oh what a beautiful little baby!'
The mother, who had braced herself for what Johnny might say,
was pleasantly surprised and said,
'Thank you very much Johnny.'
He then said, 'This baby has perfect little hands,
and perfect little feet.
Why just look at his pretty little eyes...
Did the doctor say he can see good?'
The mother said a bit bewildered,
'Why yes... the doctor said he has 20/20 vision, Why do you ask?'
Little Johnny said,
'Well, it's a good thing, 'cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!!!'
His little brother Billy hears him and gets up, too.
On the way to the kitchen, they hear noise coming from their parent's bedroom
and decide to peek through the keyhole.
Little Johnny goes first.
"Oh, my!" he says, backing away.
Billy takes a look.
After a few seconds, he says angrily,
"I can't believe it."
What can't you believe" asks his brother.
"I can't believe Mom has the nerve to yell at me for sucking my thumb!"
THE GAME WARDEN
of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man,
'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
The man replied to the game warden,
'No, sir. These are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?!' the warden asked.
Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around
for a while.
I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home.'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!'
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said,
'Here, I'll show you. It really works.'
'O.K. I've GOT to see this!.
'The game warden was curious now.
The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, 'Well ?'
'Well, What?' the man responded.
'When are you going to call them back?' the game warden prompted.
'Call who back?' The man asked.
'The fish.' replied the warden.
'What fish?' The man asked.
21st Anniversary SEPTEMBER 11th
It's hard to believe that 21 years ago today my phone rang at 8am.................
Don't ever forget SEPTEMBER 11, 2001!
lying on the sidewalk.
The cabbie zooms over, jumps out, and runs to help the lady.
The Rabbi rolls down the window, and starts yelling,
"Stop the meter!"
THE DOCTORS OFFICE
The doctor examines him, and then says, "Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table,
the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat,
and then sends him to the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says,
"Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."
The wife is a virgin, and very shy. She climbs into bed fully clothed,
then strips off under the covers.
The husband is gentile and caring and slowly starts getting undressed.
He says to her: 'Don't worry my love, we can do this at your own pace.
You tell what you want and I will do it for you.
If there is anything I can do to put your mind at ease I do it for you, my love.
'How about a 69?' she asks coyly.
'A 69??' he replies shocked.
'You want Kung Pow Chicken right now?'
GOOD NEWS & BAD NEWS
the defense attorney told his client.
"First the bad news....
The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with
that found at the crime scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client.
"What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is only 140."
THE WEDDING NIGHT
So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man planning to
screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem,
in spite of the half-century age difference.
On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him
to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom
to cover his 12 inch erection,
and he was wearing a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked,
"What are those for?"
The old man replied,
"There are two things I can't stand:
the sound of a woman screaming,...
and the smell of burning latex!"
BUBBA AND EARL
that he was almost out of gas.
Just than Earl sees a sign for a gas station that said
"Free Sex With fill up".
So they decided to stop, when they got to the station and the attendant said
"How can I help you?",
Bubba said "FILL IT UP!!".
After the attendant was finished he said "That'll be $18.95",
Bubba said, "Ok, but what about the free sex??"
The attendant said "First you have to pick a number between 1 & 10 and if
you get it right you get the sex."
Bubba and Earl thought that this is going to be very easy so
Bubba looks the guy in the eyes and say's, "7",
the guy said "no, Its 2."
So they leave.
A little way down the road Bubba said,
"Ya know Earl I think that guy played a trick on us."
Earl said "No"
"Well how do you know" asked Bubba,
and Earl said,
"Because my sister was in there twice last week and she won both times"
DOE IN THE WOODS
A. I'll never do that for two bucks again.
Eight pounds, twelve inches.
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Billy Bob Smith!
He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents raid Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they burst open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at Billy Bob and leave.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house:
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"
were visiting a mall on their first trip to the city of Atlanta.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is that?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life --
I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as the small circles of light
with numbers above the wall lit up.
They continued to watch and the circles of light started moving in
the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father kneeled and whispered to his son,
"Boy, .....Go get your mother."