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"So Much Beauty, So Little Time..." ...A.H.


Apr 2022
NEW Added on 4/30/2022


The Lawyer started to read the Will of a wealthy man to the

people named in the will.

To my wife I leave the Mansion, the Summer Home, the Yacht and $5 Million.

To my 2 loyal Executive Managers, who ran the business for me when I became Ill,

I leave the business and $1 Million each.

To my Loyal Executive Administrative Assistant, I leave $1 Million.

To my Ex Partner and Senior Vice President who secretly hated me

and did his best to undermine all my good works,

and who never thought he would be mentioned in my Will.

"Hi Bob!"


NEW Added on 4/29/2022


A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall,

holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl

looked at the boy and said,

'A penny for your thoughts, Angus.'

'Well, uh, I was thinkin'...

perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss.'

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed.

The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again.

'Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.'

'Well, uh I was thinkin'...

perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle.'

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said,

'Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.'

'Well, uh I was thinkin'...

perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg.'

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.

Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch

before the girl spoke again.

'Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.'

The young man glanced down with a furled brow.

'Well, noo,' he said,

'my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.'

'Really?' said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

'Aye,' said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush,

and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

And he said,

'Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?'


NEW Added on 4/28/2022


John said. “How did the exams go, boy? Did you get accepted to medical school?”

“No, sir,” Johnny said. “I failed the oral part of the test.”

“But, how did you fail?” his dad asked. “I know you studied hard.”

Johnny said, “For the last part of the test they ask ten questions that you must answer orally.

You have to get all ten correct.

I got the first nine right. I missed the last one.”

“What was the question you missed?”

“They asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS to form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Everyone who said spine passed. The rest of us will be lawyers.”


NEW Added on 4/27/2022


A woman wakes up during the night and her husband isn't in bed with her.

She goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she asks.

'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, and says

'Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,

and you were only 16?' he asks solemnly.

'Yes, I do,' she replies.

'Do you remember when your father, the judge, caught us in the back seat
of my car making love?'

'Yes, I remember,' says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues,

'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,

"Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"'

'I remember that too,' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says,

'I would have got out today.'


NEW Added on 4/26/2022


John worked for a while at a WalMart store, selling sporting goods.

As an employee of WalMart you are sometimes required to make store wide pages,

e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."

One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message:

"I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."


NEW Added on 4/25/2022


This fellow went into a pharmacy and asked for a vial of Cyanide.

The pharmacist asked what he wanted it for.

The man answered, 'I want to kill my wife.'

'I'm sorry Sir,' the pharmacist replied,

'but under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide.'

The chap reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife.

The pharmacist blushes and replies,

'I am sorry Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription.'


NEW Added on 4/24/2022


There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own

business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!

knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The big dude says,

"That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ,"

but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again

when all of a sudden --WHACK--

the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says,

"That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this...

He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.

The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned.

Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and --WHAM!!!"--

knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says,

"When he comes to,

tell him that's a crowbar from Home Depot."


NEW Added on 4/23/2022


George Voinovich Director
Ralph G. Pacheco Governor
Phone (614) 445-8627
FAX (614) 445-3225

DATE: January 7, 1992

TO: All Ohio Insurance Agents

FROM: Ohio Department of Insurance

SUBJECT: Automobile Dimmer Switches

Pursuant to the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles Act No. 97-12, all motor vehicles sold in the State of Ohio

after February 15, 1992, will be required to have the headlight dimmer switch mounted to the floorboard.

The dimmer switch must be mounted in a position accessible to operation by pressing the switch by the left foot.

The switch must be far enough removed from the left foot pedals to avoid inadvertent operation or pedal confusion.

Included in the above act and beginning June 1, 1992, all other vehicles with steering column mounted dimmer switches must be retrofitted

with a floorboard mounted dimmer switch of the type described above.

The steering column mounted dimmer switch must be disabled or removed from the vehicle.

Vehicles which have not made this change will fail the forthcoming Ohio Safety Inspection program which will begin on this date.

It is recognized that this will cause some hardship for the driving public. However, this change is being made in the interest of public safety.

Ohio DMV Act 92-13 will revert all Ohio motor vehicles to the prevalent dimmer system in use prior to the influx of foreign market vehicles.

A recent study entitled the "Inflation Sequence in Ohio Night-time Highway Traffic Accidents" was conducted jointly by

the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles and the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicle Research.

It has shown that 96% of all Ohio nighttime highway accidents are caused by a Blonde getting her foot caught in the steering wheel........


NEW Added on 4/22/2022


Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in an airplane.

One guy says to the other, 'Let's talk.

I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation
with your fellow passenger.'

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly,
takes off his glasses and asks,

'What would you like to discuss?'

The first guy says,

'Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?'

The other guy says,

'OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation.

But let me ask you a question first:

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but

the deer excretes pellets;

the cow, big patties;

and the horse, clumps of dried grass.

Why is that?'

The first guy says, 'I don't know.'

The other guy says,

'Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss

Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?'


NEW Added on 4/21/2022


A young man and his wife were having marriage problems and decided to end

their union after a very short time together.

After a brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court seeking a divorce.

The judge asks the young husband,

"What has brought you to the point that you feel you are not able to

keep this marriage together?"

The husband answers,

"Your Honor, in the six weeks I have been married, we have been unable

to agree on a single thing."

His wife says, "Seven weeks."


NEW Added on 4/20/2022


Q: What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?

A: A Blonde electrician.


NEW Added on 4/19/2022


A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over

the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,

'Please, don't ever do that again.'

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder

could startle him so much,

to which the driver replied,

'I'm sorry, it's really not your fault.

Today is my first day driving a cab.

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'


NEW Added on 4/18/2022


An executive was interviewing a young Blonde for a position in his company.

He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked,

'If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead,

who would it be?'

The Blonde quickly responded,

'Definitely the living one.'


NEW Added on 4/17/2022


The only reason I would take up walking is

so that I could hear heavy breathing again.


NEW Added on 4/16/2022


A guy and a girl are hitchhiking, and a kid pulls over to pick him up.

The guy opens the door and aims a gun at the kid.

He says, "start masturbating NOW!."

He has a gun, so the kid obeys.

The guy says, "Now do it again."

He waves the gun, so the kid does it again.

The guy says, "Now one more time."

He cocks the gun and aims, so the kid does it one more time.

The guy says, "Okay, now give my sister a ride into town."


NEW Added on 4/15/2022


Alma returned from a doctor's visit one day and told her husband that

the doctor said she only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, she asked him to make love with her.

Of course he agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Alma went to him again, and said,

"Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live, maybe we could make love again?"

Paul agrees and again they make love.

Later, Alma is getting into bed when she realized she now had only eight hours left.

She touched Paul's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."

He agreed, then afterwards rolled over and fell asleep.

Alma, however, heard the clock ticking in her head, and she tossed and turned until

she was down to only four more hours.

She tapped her husband on the shoulder to wake him up.

"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

Her husband sat up abruptly, turned to her and said:

"Listen Alma, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."


NEW Added on 4/14/2022


We all get heavier as we get older,

because there's a lot more information in our heads.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


NEW Added on 4/13/2022


A stunningly beautiful woman walked into a bar and sat down.

She was followed a few minutes later by a man who took a seat at the end of the bar.

He immediately noticed the beauty and, since this was his local hangout,

figured the bartender would do him a favor.

"Jack, here's a twenty dollar bill," whispered the man, leaning over the bar,

"slip her some Spanish fly."

"I don't have any Spanish fly," said the bartender,

"but a customer gave me some Jewish fly."

"Jewish fly!" exclaimed the man, "what does THAT do?"

"I don't know," answered the bartender.

"Why don't we try it and find out?"

The next time the woman needed a refill,

the bartender put the Jewish fly powder in her drink.

She finished the drink,

and a few minutes later got up and sidled over to the man.

She put her arm around his shoulder, put her other hand on his knee,

and began to rub the inside of his leg.

"You attract me," she purred.

"I'd like to do something with you tonight."

"Honey, I'll do anything you want," gasped the man.

"Great! Take me shopping at Bloomingdale's!"


NEW Added on 4/12/2022


A man was in a terrible accident, and his manhood was mangled and torn from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his old friend,

but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said it would cost $8,500 for small, $16,500 for medium and

$34,000 for large.

The man was sure he would want a large,

but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.

The man answered, 'She'd rather remodel the kitchen'


NEW Added on 4/11/2022


Joe gets a ticket to the Super Bowl from his company, but when he gets there,
the seat is in the last row way back in the corner of the stadium.

Halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat
ten rows off the field, right on the fifty-yard line.

He decides to take a chance, and makes his way around the security guards
to the empty seat.

As he sits down, Joe says to the guy sitting next to him,

"Excuse me, is anybody sitting here?"

The guy says, "No."

Joe says, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat
like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The guy says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.

I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.

This is the first Super Bowl we haven't seen together since we got married in 1967."

Joe says, "That's really sad. But couldn't you find anyone to take the seat?

A friend, or a close relative?"

The guy says, "No, they're all at the funeral."


NEW Added on 4/10/2022


Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?

A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Q: Why did the Blonde stop using the pill?

A: Because it kept falling out.


NEW Added on 4/9/2022


It's near Christmas & the mailman is delivering packages.

A woman opens the door in a sexy negligee and invites him in.

Surprised, he follows her to the bedroom where they proceed to have sex.

After it's over, the woman hands him a dollar.

The mailman, puzzled, asked why?

The woman replied,

"well, while I was making my shopping list I asked my husband,

honey, what should we give that nice mailman for Christmas?"

and he replied, "screw the mailman, give him a dollar!"


NEW Added on 4/8/2022


A priest, rabbi and televangelist were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf,

and started discussing their weekly collections.

Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of

the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.

The rabbi explains:

"I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air.

Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself.

Whatever lands outside the circle, I give to God."

The priest then adds:

"I use a similar method, except that

whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands

outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."

The televangelist then proclaims:

"I also use the same method.

Except, that I toss the money in the air and

I figure that whatever God wants, he can take."


NEW Added on 4/7/2022


A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer.

The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says

"That'll be five bucks."

As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender says

"You know... we don't get many gorillas in here."

To which the gorilla replies,

"At five bucks a beer, it's no wonder..."


NEW Added on 4/6/2022


Bill walks into a bar and sees Bob sitting at the end of the bar with

a great big smile on his face.

Bill says "Bob, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Bill, I gotta tell ya...

Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat,

and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here,

Bill, tits out to here!

She says 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'

So I took her way out, Bill.

I turned off the key and I said

'Its either screw or swim!'

She couldn't swim, Bill,

she couldn't swim!!"

The next day Bill walks into the bar and sees Bob sitting at the end of the bar

with a bigger smile on his face.

Bill says

"What are you so happy about today Bob?"

"Well Bill... I gotta tell ya...

Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and

a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here,

Bill, tits out to here!

She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'

So I took her way out, Bill, way out much further than the last one.

I turned off the key and I said

'Its either screw or swim!'

She couldn't swim!!, Bill, she couldn't swim!!!!"

A couple days pass and Bill walks into the bar and sees Bob cryin over a beer.

Bill says "Bob, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Bill, I gotta tell ya....

Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat,

and the most desirable brunette came up to me...

tits WAY out to here, Bill, tits WAY out to here.

She says 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'

So I took her way out, Bill, way WAY out...

much further than the last two.

I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said

'Its either screw or swim!!'.

She pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Bill !!!

She had a great BIG dick!!!

And Bill, I CAN'T SWIM,... I CAN'T SWIM !!!"


NEW Added on 4/5/2022


An old man decides to go to his high school's 50 year reunion.

He hasn't seen anyone since their 25 year reunion and is very interested

to see who might show up.

When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweetheart.

They sit down at a table and talk about the past 25 years.

"How have you been?" he asks.

"Just fine, just fine," she replies.

"Although I do have some good news and bad news for you."

"Bad news first please."

"Well, I had to have a hysterectomy a few years back."

"Oh, that's terrible," he says.

"What's the good news?"

She says,

"The doctor found your old high school ring you thought you lost."


NEW Added on 4/4/2022


A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar.

"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.

"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman.

"It depends how personal it is."

"OK," the guy said.

"How many men have you slept with?"

"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed.

"That's my business!"

"Sorry," said the guy,

"I didn't realize you made a living out of it."


NEW Added on 4/3/2022


A Blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

When it was her turn she rolled the dice and landed on 'Science & Nature.'

Her question was

'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'

She thought for a time and then asked

'Is it on or off?'


NEW Added on 4/2/2022


A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.

He stays until the bar closes at 2am at which time he is extremely drunk.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up so he takes off

his shoes and starts to tip toe up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

Thats wouldn't have been so bad except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles

in his back pockets that broke and the broken glass carved up his rear end terribly.

But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out

in the mirror and sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.

He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, his rear was hurting and he was hunkering

under the covers, trying to think of a good story,

when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night, " she said,

"where did you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh.

You were plastered last night, so where did you go?" she inquired.

"What makes you so sure that I got drunk last night anyway?"

"Well, she replied,

"My first big clue was when I got up this morning and found

a bunch of bandaids stuck to the mirror!"


NEW Added on 4/1/2022


A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist...

The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she

and her sister owned the shop, so there were no males employed there.

She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said,

'This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection,

which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment.

I was wondering what you could give me for it?'

The woman said

'Just a minute, I'll go and talk to my sister.'

When she returned, she said,

'The best we can do is one-third ownership in the shop and

$2,000 a month in living expenses.'