THE RABBIHis first assignment is to audit an old rabbi. He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?" The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle." The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?" The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzoh balls." The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?" The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BLUE SUITShe tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" "No," she insists. "It must be a blue suit." She then gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director, "That is absolutely perfect! I love it! How much did it cost?" He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So, I switched the heads." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TOP TEN BLONDE INVENTIONS2) Solar powered flashlight 3) Submarine screen door 4) A book on how to read 5) Inflatable dart board 6) A dictionary index 7) Ejector seat in a helicopter 8) Powdered water 9) Pedal-powered wheel chair 10) Water-proof tea bag ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Good News - Bad Newsstanding at the foot of the bed. 'Doctor, how did it go?' 'I have good news and bad news', says the doctor. 'Give me the good news, I feel terrible and I need cheering up.' 'The good news is that we managed to save your testicles.' 'That's terrific. What's the bad news?' 'They are under your pillow!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FARMERS 3 DAUGHTERSOne by one the local boys came by to pick them up. The first boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're going steady, is she ready?" The farmer called Betty and she and Eddie went on their way. The second boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer called Flo and she and Joe went on their way. The third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup, came to the door and said: "Hi, I'm Chuck" The farmer shot him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEThe brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles.... NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LITTLE BOYWondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy so he goes outside and sees a bum in an alley. He asks the bum, "Who's Jesus Christ?" The bum replies, "Well, son, I am." The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street They walk up to the bar and the bartender shouts, "Jesus Christ, are you in here again?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DREAMS'I dreamed I was on vacation,' one man said fondly. 'It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream.' 'I had a great dream too,' said the other. 'I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.' His companion looked over and exhorted, 'You dreamed you had two women, and you didn't call me?' 'Oh, I did,' said the other, 'but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CONFESSIONUpon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice. The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IT'S BIGGER IN TEXASThere he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!" They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately replies, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has died down when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie, "What are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE Q & AA: She fell out of the tree. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUNKSomehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and, figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a grunt followed by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help my son?" "I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ QUICKIE MARRIAGEShe said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said,'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.' So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath. He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?' 'No,' she said, 'I was a hooker in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the river.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NUDE SUNBATHINGHe looks up to see a little girl approaching him. He looks frantically for something to cover himself with. He quickly grabs a magazine he was reading and puts it over himself. The little girl comes up and asks what is under the magazine. "A sleeping bird" the man says. "Don't disturb it". The girl leaves, and the man falls asleep shortly after. When he wakes up he is in a hospital with his crotch in extreme pain. The doctors ask him what happened to him. He tells them that he told a little girl it was a bird, and then went to sleep. The doctors sent police to the beach to find the girl. When they find her, they ask her what happened. She told them, "I got curious about the bird that the man hid. When I woke it up and began to play with it, it spit on me. So I broke its neck, cracked it's eggs, and lit it's nest on fire." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO DRUNKSbuy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62,too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEA: Oooo! Look! Donut seeds! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARover one shoulder. He sits down at the bar. The bartender walks up. "What`s in the bag?", asks the bartender. The man puts the bag on the bar, reaches in and pulls out a baby grand piano, a small bench and a 12 inch tall man wearing a top hat and a tux with tails. The 12 inch tall man sits down at the piano and begins playing Beethoven. "That`s amazing!" says the bartender, his eyes wide with disbelief. "Where did he come from?". The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. "Rub the lamp" he says, pushing the lamp toward the bartender. The bartender grabs the lamp and begins rubbing it vigorously. Out pops an old, wrinkled genie. "I grant you one wish" he says to the bartender. "I want a million bucks!" says the bartender. "Done" says the genie. The genie disappears back into the lamp. Moments pass. Suddenly a duck appears on the bar with a poof. Then another....and another. They appear on the bar stools...on the tables... on the Budweiser sign on the wall. POOF...POOF...POOF. Thousands...tens of thousands of ducks begin to fill the bar! "Christ!" shouts the bartender. "I didn’t say ducks!" he yells, "I said bucks!". The man at the bar looks at the bartender, "You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AA: She was run over by the zambonis machine (Note: For you REAL Blondes out there that is the machine that makes ice in the ice-skating rinks!). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARBartender says, "Do you want them both now, or do you want me to wait til your buddy gets here first?" The guy says, "Oh I want them both now, I've got my best buddy in my pocket right here." He then pulls out a 3 inch man and puts him on the table. The bartender was astonished. "Do you mean to say he can drink a whole drink?" "Sure, he can drink it all. Pour it on." Sure enough, the bartender watches in amazement as the little guy drinks down two full shots. "That's amazing. Can he walk?" The guy flicks a coin and says, "Hey, Rodney, go get the coin," and Rodney runs off after it. "Unreal. Can he do anything else? Can he talk?" "Of course he can. Hey Rodney -- tell the bartender about the time you called that witch doctor a 'jackass'." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FOR A NEW EXPERIENCE HAVE FUN IN 2022............Wave to all the other cars at 4-way stops..... :-) It will take other drivers a minute to adjust to this friendly wave, but it also breaks down the invisibility of other drivers. They will know there's an actual human being behind the wheel of your car. WARNING: This friendly act may be misinterpreted and cause gunfire in New York City and South L.A. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NINE POINTS TO PONDERNumber 9- Death is the number 1 killer in the world. Number 8- Life is sexually transmitted. Number 7- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 6- Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich. Number 5- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years. Number 4- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing. Number 3- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Number 2- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. Number 1- Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow. ...and as someone recently said to me: Don't worry About old age; it doesn't last that long. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ROOM FOR THE NIGHTHe stops at an inn and asks for lodgings. The innkeeper says that he doesn't have any rooms available but there is one big bed in a room that he can share with another man but he must warn him that the man snores so bad that no one can stand it. The traveler says that would be fine. Next morning he comes down all smiles and tells the innkeeper that he had a great nights sleep. The innkeeper was shocked and asked the man how he was able to sleep with all that noise. The man said, "Simple, when I got in the room I leaned over and kissed the man on the cheek and said 'have a good night, beautiful'. He stayed awake all night watching me." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THREE DOGSa black lab, a brown lab and a yellow lab. The black lab turns to the brown lab and says, "Why are you here?" The brown lab says, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything. I pissed on my owners sofa, their carpets, their drapes, but the last straw was when I pissed in the middle of their bed." The black lab says, "What is the vet going to do to you?" And the brown lab says, sadly, "Lethal injection." Then the brown lab asks the black, "Why are you here?" The black lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, I dig up the flowers, the bushes. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets but the last straw was when I dug a big hole in my owner's sofa." The brown lab says, "What's the vet going to do to you?" And the black lab says sadly, "Lethal injection." Then the black and brown labs turn to the yellow lab and ask, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I'm a humper. I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, the dining room table, a fire hydrant. Whatever I see, I want to hump. Why, last week, my owner had taken a shower and was drying her toes and I couldn't help it, I just hopped on her back and humped her." The black lab says, "So you're here for a lethal injection, too?" "No, I'm getting my nails clipped." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NASTY BLONDE JOKESA. So they have some place to put their feet. Q. Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shirt? A. It stands for, "Tits Go In Front." Q. What do you call a Blonde with half a brain? A. Gifted! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MORE.. WOMEN PUT DOWN MENA. Opposites attract. Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell. Q. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? A. Telling you his real name. Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN PUT DOWN MENA. Trustworthy. Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE POPEThe first person to come up was Richard Nixon. The Pope asked, "What is your sin?" "I covered up a break in into the Watergate hotel." The Pope replied, "Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant you absolution." Next in line was Bill Clinton. "What was your sin, son?" "I cheated on my wife." The Philanderer in Chief replied. "Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you and grant you absolution." A third person came up and the Pope asked, "What is your name?" "Monica Lewinsky." The Pope stroked his chin. "Hmmmm..... Perhaps you should remain standing." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Some Things You Just Can't Explain"A man comes in and asks the farmer, 'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?' Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.' Man: 'So what happened that is so horrible?' Farmer: 'Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over' Man: 'That's not so bad, what's the big deal?' Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.' Man: 'So then what happened?' Farmer: 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. ' Man: 'Again? So what did you do then?' Farmer: 'I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. ' Man: 'And then what.' Farmer: 'I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.' Man: 'Wow, you must have been pretty upset.' Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.' Man: 'So then what did you do?' Farmer: 'Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HAVING A MISTRESSthe consequences and implications of a married man having a mistress. The sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly and lustful pursuits. The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible, if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being, then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife. The programmer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary, a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he can tell his wife that he is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DISGRACING THE FAMILYand she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do it." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do it. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do it. Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that either. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family." 
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