NEW Added on 2/28/2022
THE NEWLYWEDS
HER: I'm Hiding.................
HIM: I'll FIND YOU..............
HER: I'm Hiding.................
HIM: I'll FIND YOU...............
HER: I'm Hiding..................
HIM: When I Find You I Will Rip Off All Your Clothes,
And Make Wild Passionate Love To You!!.......
............................
....................
.......
Her: I'm Hiding .................
in the Closet.......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/27/2022
ART GALLERY
A couple go to an art gallery.
They find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves.
The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks, 'What are you waiting for?'
The husband replies, 'Autumn.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/26/2022
THE SCUBA DIVER
A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with
no scuba gear.
He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him.
He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes,
"How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the chalkboard and writes,
"You idiot, I'm drowning."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/25/2022
THE THREE BEARS
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl.
It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl.
It is also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams,
"For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?
I haven't made the damn porridge yet!!".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/24/2022
THREE DRINKS
Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman.
Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her.
He buys her a drink and then another and then another.
After this and the accompanying small talk, Joe asks her back to his place
for a "good time."
"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am?
I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"
"OK," replies Joe,
"so how many does it take?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/23/2022
THE WISDOM OF SOCRATES
In ancient Greece Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem.
One day an acquaintance of his met the great philosopher at the market
and said:
'Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?'
'Hold on a minute,' said Socrates,
'before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a test I developed.
It is called the 'Triple Filter' Test.'
'Triple filter?'
'Yes, that's right,' Socrates said.
'Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment
and filter what you're going to say.
The first filter is the TRUTH.
Have you made absolutely certain that what you are about to tell me is the Truth?'
'No', the man said. 'I can't be positive it's true. Actually I just heard it....'
'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of GOODNESS.
Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?'
'No, on the contrary....'
'So', Socrates continued,
'you want to tell me something bad about my friend and you're not certain it's true.
You may still pass the test though, there is one filter remaining.'
'This is the filter of USEFULNESS.
Is what you are about to tell me about my friend going to be Useful to me?'
'No, not really.'
Well', concluded Socrates,
'If what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful then
why tell me at all?'
That is why Socrates was held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that .......
his best friend was having an affair with his wife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/22/2022
BLONDE JOKE ONE-LINERS
Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/21/2022
THE MOVIES
For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town
to the city to attend a movie.
After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.
Handing the attendant $5.00, he couldn't help but comment,
"The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied,
"You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/20/2022
BLONDE JOKE
Q: A Blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please.......
I could never eat twelve pieces."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/19/2022
GOING TO HELL
A gentleman died and arrived in hell.
He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder more gentle hell,
each person is offered three choices of torture.
The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1000 year cycles and
you could pick which cycle in which to begin.
So the Devil took the man to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet
and was being whipped with chains.
The man said he did not think that was where he wanted to start.
They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and
was being whipped by a Cat-O-Nine-Tails.
The man also declined this form of torture.
The third room had a man strapped to the wall naked and a very beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him.
The man told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted.
The Devil said 'Are you sure? It lasts for 1000 years.
The man assured him that this was the punishment he wanted.
So the Devil walked over to the young woman and said
'You can go now. I've found your replacement.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/18/2022
IN THE BAR
Note: Dean Martin's Favorite Joke
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender asks him "What'll it be?"
The grasshopper says "Scotch and Soda".
The bartender says...
"Did you know that we have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper looks up at the bartender as says...
"You have a drink named Irving?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/17/2022
THE CUCKOLD
We had been in the crowded bar for about five minutes when a man walked in waving a forty-five caliber pistol with an eight shot clip.
The noisy bar suddenly got very quiet.
“Somebody has been fooling around with my wife Maria,” the man yelled.
“When I find out who it is I’m going to shoot him.”
From the back of the bar someone said, “Your Maria?
You Idiot, you need to go home and get a lot more ammunition than that.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/16/2022
HOMELESS
“Good morning, sir,” the older fellow at the door said. “I am looking for donations for a family in great need.”
A tear came to the man’s eye as he said, “Please sir, you must help. These people are in a desperate situation.”
“How many are in the family?”
“It’s a family with five children, sir. The father has been out of work for over a year now.”
“Has he been looking for work? I might be able to hire him a couple of days to do some cleanup around here.”
“He has health problems,” the man said. “The children have barely enough food to eat.”
I started to weaken.
A tear rolled down his cheek as he said,
“The worst part of the whole thing is that the family is going to be kicked out of their home.”
“Why?”
“They are three months behind in their rent. If they don’t come up with the money by Monday they will be homeless.”
“How much would it take to catch up on the rent?”
“It would only be twelve hundred dollars,” he said, with a sob.
As I reached for my checkbook I asked,
“How do you know so much about the situation? Are they family or friends?”
He said, “I’m their landlord.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/15/2022
THE COW, THE ANT, and THE OLD FART
A cow, an ant, and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/14/2022
IN THE BAR
Two guys are drinking.
The first guy says,
"When I'm lying there in my casket,
I'd like to hear them say that I was a brilliant guy.....
a nice guy......
and a good family man."
The second guy says,
"I'd like to hear them say.....
I think I saw him move."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/13/2022
SAINT PETER
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.
St. Peter said,
"I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here.
Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something.
You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big,
what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."
The first guy walks up and St.Peter asks him,
"How long were you married?"
The first guy says, "24 years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asked.
The guy says, "Yeah, 7 times... but you said I was forgiven!"
Peter says, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto."
The second guy says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once,
but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."
Peter says, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."
The 3rd guy walks up and says,
"I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman!
Peter says, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"
A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto
see the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk.
When they ask him what's wrong, he says,
"I just saw my wife, and she was on a skateboard!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/12/2022
MORE IMPORTANT RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
2. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
3. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/11/2022
THE DOCTORS OFFICE
After his annual physical, the guy was waiting in the doctor's office for the results.
"Well," said the doctor,
"I have good news and bad news for you."
"The way I feel, please give me the good news first" replied the bachelor.
The good news," announced the doctor,
"is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam."
"Great!" the man shouted.
"What is the bad news?"
"It's malignant," replied the doctor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/10/2022
Q & A
Q. How do you end a failed marriage?
A. Have your wedding ring melted down into a bullet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/9/2022
THE HOSPITAL
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her.
The supervisor couldn't believe it.
The nurse's hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off
her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
"Miss Jennings!
How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!"
the supervisor yelled.
"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform,
"It's those darn interns!
They NEVER put anything back when they're done with it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/8/2022
IMPORTANT RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/7/2022
PAID TO CONVERT
Two Jewish men are walking along when they see a sign at a church that says,
"Attention, Jewish neighbors...ten thousand dollars if you convert."
The first guy says,
"Ten thousand dollars is a lot of money."
The other guy says,
"Your grandfather was a rabbi,
and your entire family is so religious, they would never forgive you."
The first guy says,
"I could use the money, and they'll never know."
So he goes in, and after a few hours he comes out.
The other guy says,
"Did you get the money?"
He says,
"You Jews, always thinking about money."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/6/2022
THE DOCTORS OFFICE
A doctor says to a guy,
"I'm sorry, my friend, but you've overdone it for the last thirty years
and your genitals are burned out.
You've only got fourteen orgasms left for your entire life."
The guy goes home and tells his wife the news.
She says, "Oh, no. We better make a list of when you're gonna use them."
He says, "I already did. You ain't on it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/5/2022
PRESIDENTIAL HISTORY
Q. How will history remember Bill Clinton?
A. He was the president after Bush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/4/2022
MAGIC
A guy walks up to a girl in a bar and says,
"You want to play 'Magic'?"
She says, "What's that?"
He says,
"We go to my house, have sex, and then you disappear."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/3/2022
DOCTOR'S ORDERS
On doctor's orders, John had moved to Arizona.
Two weeks later, he was dead.
His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services.
John's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of.
"Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.
"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here."
The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket.
He stood back and proudly displayed his work.
"He looks good," the brother said.
"Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/2/2022
THE BANK JOB
“Hands up every body! This is a stickup!”
An armed robber with a mask over his face had burst into the bank.
He forced a teller to fill a bag with cash and hand it to him.
The teller, who must have been very brave, gave him the bag but then he reached out and grabbed the mask and pulled it off the criminal’s face.
“Bang!”
The robber immediately shot him.
Then he noticed another teller looking at him and he shot that teller, too.
By this time the rest of us were staring at our shoes or the floor; any place except the robber.
“Well,” he said. “Did any of the rest of you see my face?”
“Uh. . .” I heard a voice say behind me.
It was George.
“Yeah, you,” the robber said.
“I’m talking to the old man with his hand raised. Did you see my face?”
“No, sir,” George said.
“I didn’t personally see you at all but my wife got a good long look at you.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/1/2022
IN COURT
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer,
"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.
"Oh no!" said the lawyer.
"This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior.
A stunt like that would prejudice him against you.
He might even find you in contempt of the court.
In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer,
"Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.
"But I did send them," said the defendant.
"What?? You did?"
"Yes, That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge,
but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."
|