deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up.
The Blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt.
"Gee, that's nice.
What did you name the other one?"
that won't get on both knees for you.
IN THE BAR
And the bar was closed for the night...
And out of his hole, crawled a little brown mouse...
Who made a funny sight...
He lapped up that beer, on the barroom floor...
And back on his haunches he sat...
And all through the night you could hear him yell...
"Bring on that damn cat!"
PRIESTS AND NUNS
It isn't until they were already in the shower, that they realized that
they did not bring any soap.
Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap.
Rather than get dressed, he peeks out into the hallway, and since no one is around,
he decides to make a run for it.
He gets the two bars of soap and checks the hall before heading back to the showers.
All was clear, so he makes a break for it.
Just as he turns the corner to the showers, he spots three nuns walking toward him.
With nowhere to go, and hoping that the nuns will think he is a statue,
he stands perfectly still, holding the two bars of soap.
The nuns approach and the first nun says,
"Oh my, look at that!
Isn't that the most life-like statue you've ever seen?"
She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs
on the priest's weenie.
Startled, he drops the first bar of soap.
"Oh Heavens," she exclaims, "I got a bar of soap!"
The second nun is also amazed at how realistic the statue looks,
so she steps in for a closer look.
She takes a couple of yanks on the priest's weenie, and he drops
the other bar of soap.
"My goodness, I got a bar of soap also!"
The nuns can't believe it.
The third nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and
gives a few tugs to the priest's weenie.
"My God, this is amazing," she says,
"I got liquid soap!"
JESUS AND THE REDNECK
with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool,
pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and said,
"Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.
The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement.
He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti.
He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there.
The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.
The third patron, a Georgia Redneck, swaggered in and hollered.
"Barkeep, set me up a cold one.
Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"
The barkeep nodded, and the Georgia Redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!"
The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the Georgia Redneck,
and the Redneck jumped back and exclaimed,
"Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!"
Bush and Cheney in a Bar
A guy walks in and asks the barman,
'Isn't that Bush and Cheney over there?'
The barman says, 'Yep, that's them.'
So the guy walks over and says,
'Wow, this is a real honor.
What are you guys doing in here?'
Bush says, 'We're planning WW III '.
The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one Blonde with big boobs.'
The guy exclaimed,
'A Blonde with big boobs?
Why kill a Blonde with big boobs?'
Bush turns to Cheney, punches him on the shoulder and says,
'See, smart ass!
I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!'
A: Toes Go In First.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago,
the wife asked the husband,
"When you first saw my naked body in front of you......
what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied,
"All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out.....
and suck your big breasts dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked,
"What are you thinking now?"
"It looks like I did a pretty good job."
IN THE BAR
Then he asks for another.
After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy
"and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while.
"But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?"
asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last day."
"But sir," said the clerk,
"you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir.
I'll change your from 502 to 555.
Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk,
"it's on fire."
The man at the counter asked the older boy,
'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know how these are used?'
The boy replied,
'Not exactly, but they aren't for me.
They are for my brother, he's four.
We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
He can't do either one.'
IN THE BAR
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says,
"If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies,
"Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
'Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.'
'Well,' answered the Priest, 'That's not a sin.'
'But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed.'
'I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause.'
'Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind.
Father, I have one more question.'
'What is it my son.'
'Do I now have to tell him the war is over?
The repairman, noticing that the woman was a Blonde, decided to have a bit of fun.
So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.
After 15 minutes of this, the Blonde's Blonde friend came over and asked
what she was doing.
"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."
Second Blonde..."Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"
WHAT AM I?
The function of which is enjoyed by both sexes.
It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action.
It boasts a clump of hairy little things at one end and a hole at the other.
In use it is inserted, almost willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly,
into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out
again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by
squirming bodily movements.
Anyone found listening will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound,
resulting from the well lubricated movements.
When finally withdrawn, it leaves a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance,
some of which will need cleaning from the outer surface of the opening and
some from the glistening shaft.
After it is done and the flowing and cleansing fluids have ceased emanating,
it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another
bit of action, hopefully reaching is bristling climax twice or even three times daily,
but often much less.
What am I?
As you may have already guessed, the answer to this riddle is.........
none other than your very own.........
"Doc, you've got to help me.
My penis is orange."
The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check.
Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange.
Doc tells the guy,
"This is very strange.
Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy,
"How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago.
The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.
The guy responds,
"No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime
every week and I had no say in anything that was happening.
I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours,
I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss
is a really great guy."
So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy,
"How's your home life?"
The guy says,
"Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."
The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress.
But the guy says,
"No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag.
God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!"
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
"Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"
The guy replies,
"No, not really.
Most nights I just sit at home,
watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!!!"
He stays like that for about a half-hour.
Then this big trouble making bully steps up next to him,
takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The bully feels sorry for him and says,
"Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, I'll buy you another drink.
I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that.
Today day is the worst of my life.
First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting.
My boss fired me.
When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen.
The police, they said they could do nothing.
I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and
the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife had left me for my best friend.
And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life,
you show up and drink my poison..."
THE DOCTORS OFFICE
"I have a sexual problem.
I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.
"Take off your clothes, Mrs Garrett," the medic said.
"Now turn all the way around.
Lie down please.
Uh-huh, I see.
Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside.
"You're in perfect health," he said.
"Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
THE DOCTORS OFFICE
my wife just isn't interested in sex anymore.
v Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years.
Have you ever seen me this upset?
I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate;
my life is going utterly to Hell!
You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this.
These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful.
Don't give her more than ONE, understand? JUST one."
"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home....
where his wife has dinner waiting.
When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert.
Our hero, pulls the pills from his pocket and....
drops one into his wife's coffee.
He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill.
And then he begins to worry.
The doctor did say they were powerful.
Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee.
His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.
Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little,
sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes.
In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before...
she says, "I... need...a man..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies,
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of Anal Glaucoma,"
she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
shoot first and call whatever you hit the "target"
He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom
to check on him.
'Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers.'
'Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!'
'Sir, please get off the mop bucket.'
BLONDE JOKE ONE-LINERS
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.
IN THE BARBER SHOP
I wouldn't mind having a good old fashioned barber shop shave, Charlie said.
I can't shave myself with a straight razor but I like a good straight razor shave.
As we sat in the barber chairs a very pretty woman came out of the back room.
She wasn't just pretty. She was drop-dead gorgeous.
Hello, she said. I'm Maria and I do manicures and pedicures.
No thanks, I said. I'm good.
I'll try a pedicure, Charlie said. I've never had one.
As Maria worked on Charlie's feet I could see him trying to stare down her low-cut blouse.
Uh-oh! I thought. Here comes trouble.
Sure enough, Charlie soon said,
Maria, you sure are pretty. Can I take you out for a drink?
Oh, no, she said. I couldn't do that.
Well, why don't you come over to my hotel room later and spend some time.
Maria said, I'm married and my husband wouldn't like it.
Tell him you're working overtime, Charlie said. I'll pay you the difference.
Why don't you tell him?
You're a lot closer to him than I am.
IN THE BAR
in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
What'll you have? he asked.
Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose, she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
Yuck, that's TERRIBLE! she spluttered.
I don't know how you can drink this stuff!
Well, there you go," cried the husband.
And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!
There was a sign on the inside of her door that said,
Do Not Disturb.
Wait! I called. Is he in the corner again?
What did he do?
He hit Melinda.
Just then a little girl came out of class and ran up to her mom,
Mom! Mom! Guess what. Billy kissed me today!
Oh, my God, Melinda! He kissed you?
He sure did, the little girl said, proudly.
How did that happen?
It wasn't easy.
It took three other girls to help me catch him and hold him down
IN THE BAR
The bartender says,Whats the trouble?
The guy says,I married Miss Right.
The bartender says,So whats the problem?
The guy says,"I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'"
in bed naked, with a lovely young thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house,
her husband stopped her and said,
"Honey, before you leave, please let me explain."
The wife stopped to listen.
He continued, I was driving along the highway,
and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled,
so I offered her a lift.
She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from
the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like.
She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes
which you'd discarded simply because they were out of style.
She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday -
the one you never wore because the colors didn't suit you.
Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good,
but much too small for you now.
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this,
but still needed just one question to be answered.
That's all fine and good, she said,
but why did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?
The husband replied,
Well, that's simple...
see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked,
Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?
and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that gun...'"