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"So Much Beauty, So Little Time..." ...A.H.


Dec 2021

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NEW Added on 12/31/2021



A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


NEW Added on 12/30/2020


Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.

One says, 'It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26!

What kind of a wedding is that?'

The other says, 'Well, we have a name for it in my family.'

'What do you call it?'

'We call it a football wedding.'

The first asks, 'What's a football wedding?'

The other says, 'She's waiting for him to kick off!'


NEW Added on 12/29/2021


A man is crying in the basement.

In comes his wife.


He replies,

"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were 16?"


"He said I could marry you or do 20 years in prison."


He wept,

"Today is the day I would have gotten out!"


NEW Added on 12/28/2021


A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and

build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English,

so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief,

"This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says,

"This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of Heavy sexual activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds,

"Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe

how to be civilized and kind to each other....

so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."


NEW Added on 12/27/2021


A guy spent the day walking around town looking for a job.

He finally walked into an adult store.

"Do you have any work for me?" he asked the owner.

The owner smiled and responded,

"You come as if you have been sent from heaven.

I just opened another store and I need for someone to mind this store for me."

"When do I start?" the guy asked.

"Now. I'm leaving for the other store shortly."

The owner explained all the ins and outs and then left.

First to enter the store was a Caucasian woman.

She walked around and stopped at the dildo rack.

"How much for the white dildo?"

"Forty dollars," he said.

"How much for the black dildo?"

"Forty dollars."

"Give me the . . . uh, black one.

I've never had a black one before." She paid and left.

Soon an African-American woman walked in.

She too walked around and stopped at the dildo rack.

"How much for the black dildo?" she asked.

"Forty dollars."

"How much for the white dildo?"

"Forty dollars."

After thinking a moment, the woman said, "Give me the . . . uh, white one.

I've never had a white one before." She paid and left.

Then a Blonde woman walked in.

She walked around and stopped at the dildo rack.

"How much for the white dildo?" she asked.

"Forty dollars."

"How much for the black dildo?"

"Forty dollars."

"And how much for the checkered one on your counter there?"

"Two hundred dollars."

"Give me . . . uh, the checkered one.

I've never had a checkered one before." She paid and left.

Closing time came around and the owner returned.

"How was your first day?"

"Great!" the guy responded.

"I sold a white and a black dildo for forty bucks each,

and I sold your thermos for two hundred."


NEW Added on 12/26/2021

"Santas Pickup Lines"

1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

2. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!

3. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

4. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!

5. Some of my best toys run on batteries.

6. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)

7. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?

8. Forget the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!

9. Wanna join My "Mile High" club?

Alex and The Most Beautiful Women in the World,


NEW Added on 12/25/2021


Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.

No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no damn reindeer, and no stupid clatter.

There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, my Hewlet Packard and me.

I won't race to the window, I'll have no ecstasy.
I'll just sit right here... with Windows XP.

There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.

I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.

As I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.

A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And asked, if I might like to chat for a while.

She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.

She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.

She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.

He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So, she thought she'd use it, "I guess it's all right."

She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How, she was expected to be a good wife.

She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because, she was forced, to do such silly deeds.

She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me...... she was oversexed.

She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
He's always too busy, and getting too old.

Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her, to have cyber-sex.

I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got *really* good.

After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.

She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.

She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.

She said, only.... on this night, she could be found.
It is only.... this night, her husband leaves town.

She said bye, and signed off... And, I had to pause.
I think I just cybered... with *Mrs.* Santa Claus!!!!

Alex and The Most Beautiful Women in the World,


NEW Added on 12/24/2021


'Twas the night before christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin,
Cause I had a gun under da pilla.

When up on da roof,
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window and yelled,
"Yo!, Keep it down."

When what to my wonderin'
eyes should appear,
But the Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer.

Wit' slicked back hair,
and a red silk suit,
Don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought all da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a wack 'side dare heads,
He shouted and swore,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Vinny, Yo Paulie,
Yo Augie, Yo Vito;
Hay Tony, Hay Joey,
Hay Frankie and Guido!"

As I pulled out my gun,
And hid by da bed,
He flew in'da window,
And smacked me in'da head!

"What da hell you doin',
Pullin' a gun on da Don?"
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin moron!"

Den shovin' his finga,
Right under my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he gave dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did not expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"

Alex and The Most Beautiful Women in the World,


NEW Added on 12/23/2021


It had been a very stressful Christmas Eve for Santa.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainees couldn't do the work right.

Then Mrs. Claus said that her mother was coming for a visit,

stressing Santa even more.

When he checked on his reindeer.

Three were about to give birth, and two had run off to who knows where.

Santa then decided to get coffee and a shot of whiskey.

But the elves had hit the liquor cabinet and emptied it.

Then the doorbell rang, and Santa cussed under his breath on the way to the door.

There was this little angel carrying a big Christmas tree.

She asked,

"Hey fat man, where would you like me to stick this tree?"

And that is the story of how the little angel got to be on top of the Christmas tree.

Alex and The Most Beautiful Women in the World,


NEW Added on 12/22/2021


A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says,

"I hate to ruin your day,

but I have to tell you that your Mom and I are divorcing;

forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,

so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,

" She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,

"You are NOT getting divorced.

Don't do a single thing until I get there.

I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.

Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay," he says,

"the kids are coming for Christmas and paying their own way."


NEW Added on 12/21/2021


White House staffers were perplexed one morning to see Bill Clinton....

walk in to the Oval Office with a pair of woman's panties on his arm.

Somewhat used to the president's tendencies,

they let it go and went about their daily tasks.

The day wore on;

several VIPs were ushered in and out of the Oval Office....

for meetings with Clinton about important affairs of the state.

Each one left with a puzzled expression on their face....

but no one dared ask about the President's personal business.

Finally, Betty Currie, Clifton's loyal secretary walked into the office between appointments

and gently closed the door behind her.

"Mr. President," she said,

"We've come to expect many unusual things from you....

but we're all quite concerned that you seem to be wearing....

a pair of woman's panties on your arm.

Please tell me this doesn't mean more trouble."

"Oh no," the President grinned.

"It's The Patch.

I'm trying to quit."


NEW Added on 12/20/2021


“Alex Hunter? Oh, yes. We had a date. It was quite an experience, too.”

“Tell me about it.”

“He showed up right on time,” Jan said.

“He was dressed to the nines and he brought me some beautiful flowers.

“Oh, my!”

“When we went outside he had a rented limousine waiting to drive us to dinner.

We ate caviar and champagne while we watched a show. It was one of the most exciting nights of my life. “

“Ooh, Jan! It sounds wonderful,” Margaret said. “What happened next?”

“We went back to my place and did some snuggling and kissing on the couch and that’s when he turned into an animal.

He ripped my dress off and had his way with me over and over.”

“Oh, goodness gracious!” Margaret exclaimed. “So you’re saying I shouldn’t go out with him.”

“Not at all,” Jan said.

“I’m just saying wear an old dress.”


NEW Added on 12/19/2021


The voices in my head may not be real,

but they have some good ideas!


NEW Added on 12/18/2021


A guy died and woke up to find he was in Hell.

He was really depressed as he stood in the processing line waiting to talk

to an admittance counselor.

He thought to himself, "I know I led a wild life, but I wasn't that bad.

I never thought it would come to this."

Looking up he saw that it was his turn to be processed into Hell.

With fear and a heavy heart, he walked up to the counselor.

The counselor said, "What's the problem, you look depressed?"

The man responded, "Well, what do you think? I'm in Hell."

The counselor said, "Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun.

Do you like to drink?"

The man said, "Sure, I love to drink."

The counselor replied, "Well then, you are going to love Mondays.

On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila,

beer, whatever you want and as much as you want. We party all night long.

You'll love Mondays.

Do you smoke?"

The man said, "Yes, as a matter of fact I do."

The counselor replied, "You are going to love Tuesdays.

Tuesday is smoke day.
You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere.

And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because

you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays.

Do you do drugs?"

The man said, "Well in my younger days I experimented a little."

The counselor replied, "You are going to love Wednesdays.

That's drug day.
You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about

overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead.

You are going to love Wednesdays.

Do you gamble?"

The man said, "Yes, I love to gamble."

The counselor replied, "You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day

and night--black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to

love Thursdays.

Are you gay?"

The man said, "Well, no I'm not."

The counselor replied,

"Oh, Fridays then, uh, will certainly be a new experience for you..."


NEW Added on 12/17/2021


They sent my Census Form back!!!

In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependents?

I put .......

*12 million illegal immigrants, crack heads and various unemployable bastards.

*the cast of the Jerry Springer Show

*100,000 people in our 133 penal establishments

*leftover unemployables from Katrina

*half of Mexico

*Congress and the Senate!

Apparently this wasn't an acceptable answer.


NEW Added on 12/16/2021


“Thank you God, for this wonderful food.

Earlier in my life I was often hungry and you took the hunger away. I thank you for that.”

He paused.

“You gave me childhood and took it away.

You gave me youth and you took that away.

You gave me health and you saw fit to take that away, too.

Then you gave me a wife. That was thirty-four years ago.”

He paused again.

“God, I’m just reminding you about the wife. Amen.”


NEW Added on 12/15/2021


A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked,

'You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.

Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

'Why?' she asks.

'Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman,

my wife appears out of nowhere.'


NEW Added on 12/14/2021


Over the years Ben sent me hundreds of jokes.

(In Memory of Ben in Dallas... You Will Be Missed My Friend.....RIP)

This guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, and the dishes aren't done.

I’m completely exhausted! I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas??

I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid idiot?"

“Because he’s thinking of getting married..."


NEW Added on 12/13/2021


On her way home a Blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".

By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

Q: What do you call an unmarried Blonde in a BMW?

A: A Divorcee'

Q: Why do Blondes wear ponytails?

A: To hide the valve stem!


NEW Added on 12/12/2021


“My buddy patrols the U.S./Mexican border down by the Rio Grande.

He let’s me ride with them sometimes.”

“Isn’t that illegal??”

“Probably,” Mike said. “Anyway he asked me if I wanted to ride with them today.

I told him I had company and he said to bring you along if you want to go.”

We were enjoying the sunshine and the sea, when we came across a tiny rowboat.

It had four Mexicans in it who were rowing North as fast as they could.

The boat captain got out his bullhorn to talk to them.

“Ahoy, the rowboat,” he shouted. “State your business and where you are going.”

One of the Mexicans put his paddle down and stood up in the boat.

“Gringos, we are invading the United States of America

to reclaim the territory stolen from our country one hundred and fifty years ago.”

He resumed his seat in the rowboat and picked up his paddle.

Everyone on the Coast Guard cutter started laughing.

The captain finally quit laughing long enough to ask,

“Just the four of you? Four Mexicans are going to invade the U.S.?”

The Mexican stood up and yelled,

“No; we’re the last four.

The other twelve million are already there.”


NEW Added on 12/11/2021


“I had a neighbor who lived across the street from me.

We had been good friends for six or seven years.

One day I got a phone text message from him.

It said, ‘Dave, I have a confession to make.

I have been using your wife.

This has been going on day and night, usually when you’re not home but sometimes when you are there.

In fact, I am probably using your wife more than you are.

It will never happen again. Please accept my sincere apologies.”

“I walked into my bedroom and got my pistol out of the drawer and shot my wife dead.

About five minutes later my phone rang with a text message.

It was from my neighbor and said, “Dave, damn this autocorrect on my phone.

It typed in wife where I was trying to type wifi.”


NEW Added on 12/10/2021


“Gary, I notice you’re really walking strangely,” I said. “It looks kind of weird.”

“Oh, I can explain that,” he said. “Back home in Oregon I use spray deodorant.

When I ran out of deodorant here I went to a local store but they didn’t have spray deodorant.

I bought a different kind and I finally had to read the directions to figure out how to use it.”

“You had to get directions to use a deodorant?”

“Yes. The instructions said,

‘Remove cap and push up bottom.’

I can barely walk but when I pass gas it smells amazing.”


NEW Added on 12/9/2021


Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


NEW Added on 12/8/2021


“These Mexican mountains all look the same to me,” Sherry said.

“They have narrow roads, none of them have guard rails and all of the other drivers are crazy.”

“Honk! Honk!”

A bus nearly pushed our little car off the road as it went around us.

We came around a curve and saw flashing red and blue lights ahead.

“Uh-oh,” I said. “It looks like an accident.”

When we got closer we could see where a vehicle had gone off the mountain.

Two thousand feet below us was the remains of a Mexican bus.

“What happened?’ I asked a man who was sitting on a rock and gazing down the mountainside.”

“This is the bus that takes the women from our village to work at the hotels in Durango,” he said.

“My wife rode this bus each morning for fifteen years.”

He began to sob.

A rescue worker came by and said, “Don Rafael, tears won’t bring your wife back.”

“That’s not why I’m crying,” the man replied.

“I’m crying because my wife caught this bus every morning for fifteen years and this morning she missed it.”


NEW Added on 12/7/2021


One man walked up to another and said,

"If you found yourself lost in the woods, with your ass all sore and covered

in vasaline and bleeding, would you tell anyone?"

The other man said, "No."

The first man said,

"Want to go camping?"


NEW Added on 12/6/2021

Blonde Q & A's

Q: Why is it good to have a Blonde passenger?

A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why was the Blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?

A: Because she got an "F" in sex.

Q: What does a Blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?

A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.


A: A Blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: Why can't a Blonde get a drivers license?

A: Because every time the instructor says "Let's park"

she jumps in the back seat.

Q: How do you change a Blonde's mind?

A: Buy her another beer.


NEW Added on 12/5/2021


Superman was terribly bored with fighting crime, so one Friday night he

decided to go out on the town to have some fun for a change.

He dropped by Batman's house.

"Hey Batman," he said. "Wanna' go out tonight?"

"No, I can't," replied Batman. "The Batmobile is broken and I gotta' stay home

and fix it, or else I won't be able to fight crime."

"You loser," said Superman, and he flew away in disgust.

He then decided to stop by Spiderman's house.

"Hey, Spidey, how about hitting the town tonight, you and me," he said.

"I'd love to, but I can't," replied Spiderman.

"My web-slinger is jammed and I gotta fix it in order to fight crime."

Superman, all disgusted, quipped:

"You loser. Go ahead--stay home on a Friday night and fix your damned web-slinger."

He again flew away.

While flying around the city looking for something to do, his super vision spotted

Wonder Woman lying on her back, stark naked and spread-eagled!

Superman thought,

"Hey, I'm Superman, so I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a quickie and

she'll never know the difference!"

Wonder Woman said, "What the hell was that?"

The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but it hurt like hell!"


NEW Added on 12/4/2021


This lady goes to the doctor for a check up.

When she gets home her husband asks,

'So how did the appointment go?'

She replies, 'He said, I have the body of a twenty year old.

Her husband says,

'Oh yeah. and what did he have to say about your fat lazy ass?'

She says, 'Oh...Your name didn't come up.'


NEW Added on 12/3/2021


As a painless way to save money, a young couple decided that every time

they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank

on the bedside table.

One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank

to the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins,

there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills.

He asks his wife what's up.

"Well," she replied,

"Not everyone is as cheap as you are."


NEW Added on 12/2/20216


Grandma writes:
The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a
"Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it
on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did.
What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed.
That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus.
Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really
love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled,
"Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game
with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"!

Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved
and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from
Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a
sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his
middle finger stuck up in the air.

I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed,
looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian
good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck
sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment
that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted
to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I
stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car
to get across the intersection.

I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a
big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love ya all,


NEW Added on 12/1/2021


Know how to prevent sagging skin?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. :)