"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied,
"and what was your third question?"
that the Fire Department usually uses water.
'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!'
Before the mother could raise a concern,
Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'
Relaxing with a hidden smile,
Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'
Sally replied, 'No... salty!'
THE HIT MEN
"Jose, we know you stole our money and we want it back, right now."
"No spicka d english," says Jose.
The Mafia looked around and one of them yelled.
"Anybody in here speak spanish?"
"I do," said the bartender.
"Tell him what we said."
The bartender told Jose what the two men had said.
"Oh-H, No me. Me Jose Garcia and me no take no money."
The bartender repeated the statement to the two Mafia men.
"Tell him we KNOW he took our money and if he gives it back right now
we will let him live."
After the bartender repeated the message Jose started shaking his head
and denying any knowledge of the money.
Seeing this, the two gangsters started drawing their guns.
The bartender yelled. "Jose they are gonna kill you right now."
With this, Jose, wild eyed, came clean.
"The money is down at the Santa Maria Church under the steps.
Its the third step up and the fourth brick over.
Its alla there I no spenda any of it."
"What’d he say," asked the Mafia guys.
The bartender looked them in the eye.
"He says to tell you he ain’t afraid to die."
THE MORAL OF THE STORY
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying
and broke and made a mess.'
'And what's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said,
'Our family are farmers, too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market.
We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks
and the moral to this story is,
don't count your chickens until they're hatched.'
'That was a fine story Lucy.
Johnny, do you have a story to share?'
My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge.
She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was
a bottle of whiskey,
a machine gun
and a Machete.
So... she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break.
Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets!
Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke;
then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher,
'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?
' 'Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking.'
I'm too tired to go anywhere
It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature."
The question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked,
"Is it on or off?"
IN THE BAR
A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bar stool and orders a cold one.
He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another.
He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one.
This goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiosity, says,
'I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask.
Why the whole 'drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one' routine?'
'Well,' slurred the man, 'there's a picture of my wife in my pocket.
When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home.'
They watch as a bull comes over the rise and services six cows in a row,
one after the other.
His wife says,
"It's a shame a man can't perform like that."
"We could, if we got to change cows every time."
LAWYER Q & A
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
Date: 2011-11-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over,
shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants
when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket..
The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason..
My girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan
.. she had just bought me that Kimber custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday,
and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ...
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants.
I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me.
(That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done.
Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card.
The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet.
[That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .....
After I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI,
while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat
(I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ...
But I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.
I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues,
and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider,
the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!
The Things I Cannot Change........
The Courage to Change The Things I Can...........
And The Wisdom..........
To Hide The Bodies Of The Bastards I Had To Kill....
Because They Really Pissed Me Off.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English,
so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief,
"This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says,
"This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of Heavy sexual activity.
The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching them
how to be civilized and kind to each other,
How could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
and 50 for Miss America ?
"I have three girls coming to my place tonight.
I've never been with more than one.
I need something to keep me sexually aroused."
The druggist unlocks the bottom drawer and pulls out a strongbox.
He unlocks the padlock to reveal a bunch of little boxes, and says,
"One of these will keep you going for a whole day."
The customer says, "I'll take three." He pays for them a walks out.
Three days later the man returns to the pharmacy.
His penis is dangling out of his pants. It's black and blue, covered with scabs,
with flaps of skin hanging off of it.
He walks up to the counter and asks the druggist,
"Do you have any Ben Gay?"
The shocked druggist replies, "You're not going to use Ben Gay on that!"
"No," the man said, "The Ben Gay's for my arms.
The girls never showed up!"
THE OLD MEN
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
'Now don't get mad at me .... I know we've been friends for a long time,
but I just can't think of your name!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is..
His friend stared at him for at least three minutes
he just stared and stared at him.
Finally he said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
THE NURSING HOME
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.'
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair..
Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex...'
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
'I'll take the soup.'
WHAT THE PERFECT WIFE WOULD SAY
* I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
* I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
* No, no ... I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
* Your mother did a great job raising you.
why do some people have more than one child?
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job".
The social worker behind the counter said,
"Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2021 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but....
you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges....
as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage,
will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,
"You're bullshittin' me"!
The social worker said,
"Yeah, well . . You started it".
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car,
noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader:
"Moshe, have you lost your mind?
Why are you reading that garbage newspaper?"
"I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find?
Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through
assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty.
So I switched to Louis Farrakhan's newspaper.
Now what do I find?
Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful,
Jews rule the world!
The news is so much better!"
BLONDE JOKES Q & A's
A: The 1984 Hide and Seek World Champion.
Q: What do you do when a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Q: Did you hear about the Blonde that robbed a bank?
A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard.
Q: How many Blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Blondes screw in back seats, not in lightbulbs, silly.
Q: How can you tell if a Blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q: How can you tell if another Blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.
LAWYER Q & A
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
Temptation leans on the doorbell.
Once he is in the bar he tells all the patrons that for a round of drinks from everyone present
he will insert his penis into the alligator's mouth and remove it unscathed.
All the bar patrons accept the dare and each put up a drink.
The man walks up to the alligator, takes his penis out and puts it into the
He then grabs a beer bottle and smashes it over the alligator's head.
The alligator immediately opens his mouth and the man removes his penis unscathed.
The crowd is left in awe.
The man then says,
'If there is anyone here who is willing to do the same thing, I will give them $500.''
From the back of the bar a woman stands up and says,
''I'll do it, if you promise not to smash the beer bottle over my head!''
who wished he had never been born.
He wouldn’t have been........
If his father had seen....
That the end of his condom was torn!
secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
alone at the bar.
After an hour of screwing up his courage he heads over to her and asks tentatively,
"Uh, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the poor guy is completely embarrassed and he walks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says,
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.
You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people
respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,
"What do you mean $200 an hour!"