 THE PICK UPgorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her-knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note reads: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank, and 9 inches in your trousers.' Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her. It reads: 'Just so you know - I have a Mercedes and a BMW, and over TEN million in the bank. But not even for YOU, sweetheart, would I cut 2 inches off. So send back the bottle.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSHe will drag you down to his level and then beat you with his experience. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LADY & THE COPOn the way to a monthly meeting, an elderly lady was stopped by a highway patrolman. He asked for her drivers license and insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to the patrolman. In with the cards he was surprised to see she had a conceal carry permit. He looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something, body language or the way she said it, made him want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now he had to ask one more time if that was all, and she responded once again she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. The officer then asked her what was she so afraid of? She looked him right in the eye and said....... "Not a damn thing!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE OLD COUPLEThe couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved..... I love you, Sally. On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, We’ve got to give it back. Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday? Sally said, No. Andy said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile The cops turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: Tell us the story from the beginning. Andy said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...... The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We’re outta here! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSWisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTOR'S OFFICEAfter his check-up, the doctor calls her into his office and says, "Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, which, combined with stress, will kill him in a few months. What you have to do is, each morning, fix him a nice breakfast, and be pleasant. Make him a nice lunch to take to work, and for dinner, make meals for him you know he'll enjoy. Don't give him too much to do around the house, especially after he's had a hard day. And don't burden him with too many of your problems, because that'll only increase his stress. And most importantly, make love to him a couple of times a week. If you can do this for the next ten months, I think your husband could regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband says, "What did the doctor say?" She says, "He said you're gonna die." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ANNOYING BRAT''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'' The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!'' The kid laughs and says, ''I would be a bus driver!'' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEso she decided to fix it by dying her hair brown. Well, she was driving along a country road one day when she saw a shepherd with his flock. She decided to see if she could pass as a brunette and if she did indeed get any smarter. She pulled over to the side of the road and asked the shepherd if she could guess how many sheep he had she could have one. The shepherd thought this was an unusual request, but he agreed. The Blonde thought about it for a minute and said, "one hundred and fifty." The shepherd said she was right and that she could pick a sheep to take home. She did and as she was putting it into the trunk of the car, the shepherd stopped her and said, "If I can guess your real haircolor, can I have my dog back?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICEthe physician told the patient on whom he had performed a battery of costly tests. "You have approximately six months to live." "But I don't have insurance, doctor," said Cassidy, "and I can't skimp and save enough to pay you in that time!" "All right, all right," soothed the medical man. "Let's say nine months, then." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AA. Because one is not enough and three is too many. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKEthe kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The first little girl says: ' My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman. The next little boy says: ' I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic. Then one little boy says: 'My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a bar for gay men!. The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard at recess all the little kids ask Jimmy if it was really really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said that his Dad is really a lawyer, but he was too embarrassed to say so! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSbut I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I WAS HOME SCHOOLED1. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 2. My father taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 3. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 4. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 5. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 6. My mother taught me WISDOM . "When you get to be my age, you'll understand. 7. My father taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they do to you what you are doing to me!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKE"What is the time difference between Paris and Las Vegas"? The operator said, "Just a minute..." The Blonde said thanks and hung up! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DANCING DUCKOn the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10,000.00 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I WAS HOME SCHOOLED1. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE . "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..." 2. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 3. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 4. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until your father gets home." 5. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it from both me and your father when he get's home!" 6 My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE ONE-LINERSA: There is a stamp on it. Q: Why did the Blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I WAS HOME SCHOOLED1. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS . "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 2. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 3. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 4. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." . My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BALLERINAShe raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender says to the little drunk, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" The drunk replies, "Any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I WAS HOME SCHOOLED1. My father taught me LOGIC . " Because I said so, that's why ." 2. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 3. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you get hit by a car." 4. My father taught me IRONY. "Keep on crying, and I'll really give you something to cry about." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Naughty LimericksWho possessed a magnificent pair; Or that's what I thought 'Till I saw one get caught On a thorn, and begin to lose air. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE NURSE"I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest weiner the nurse had ever seen. It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Fred replied. She ran out of the room. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LOTTO TICKETA few minutes later his wife comes home from work with a new fur coat. Her husband says "Hey how did you get this?" She says that her boss won the lotto and this is her share. This happens a few times, first the coat and then a car and then jewelry etc. One night the wife gets home really tired out and asks her husband to run her bath, which he then does. But only fills it up an inch. She gets in and says to him "Why did you put in so little water?" "Well, WE DON'T WANT YOUR LOTTO TICKET GETTING WET NOW DO WE?!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RENT FOR APARTMENTfor $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT". On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note: Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied; 2) that there was plenty of heat; 3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Naughty LimericksWho had a magnificent ass. Not rounded and pink As you probably think It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSOthers whenever they go....... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q and AA. Because it scares the hell out of the dog. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSand then proceed to tell you why it isn't. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THREE DRUNKSlate one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Shamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles to Dublin." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER Q & AWITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE OPTICIANThe Doctor tells him, 'You've got to stop masturbating!' 'Why Doc,' he asked, 'am I going blind?' 'No,' the Doctor explained, 'but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room!' 
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