 THE DRUNKThe waiter asks, "Stewed, sir?" and the drunk replies, "Thash none of you bizhnesh." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTS"Phone Number to call in case of emergency"..... I put " 9 1 1 " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSExercising every day can add to your life. Not Drinking or Smoking can also add to your life. This will enable you at 85 years old to spend an additional 11 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: Part 2... just not in that way. YOU NEVER LISTEN. You never listen. WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY. I'm not going to get serious with you until I find out if this cute guy at the gym has a girlfriend. I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will. OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF. I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch. OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!! Well, near there; I just want to get this over with. I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. We're gonna get sloppy drunk and make fun of you and your friends. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: Part 1There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again. I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. ... without you in it. DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? We haven't had a fight in a while. NO, PIZZA'S FINE. ... you cheap SOB! I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. I just don't want you as a boyfriend now. I LIKE YOU, BUT... I don't like you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I WAS HOME SCHOOLED1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION . "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL . "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSonly who is left. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Things NOT to Say To a Police Officer2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are You Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic and yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son . . . your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ EARL AND BUBBAchewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months." Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over............. women like that are hard to find." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKETwo Blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSwe only learn how to act in public. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BLONDE INDIAN GUIDEwhen, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave. The Blonde Indian guide was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something. "No," said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you." Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" off came his clothes and into the cave he goes. The Blonde Indian guide started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger than the ones that those Indians found. She must be really great to be in this cave!" Well... he took-off up the hill at a superfast speed with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!" Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave. The next day in the newspaper the headlines read: Naked Blonde Indian Guide Run Over By Freight Train!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSTo steal ideas from many is called research. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONDOMS'Give me a pack of condoms.' "What size?", says the assistant. "I don't know..." "Well, take this board with holes, go to the Men's Room and measure." In 10 minutes the man comes back: "I've changed my mind, I don't need the condoms. How much is this board?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKES Q & AA. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? A. Lipstick. Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? A. Skeet. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SCHOOL SEXHe replies, 'I had sex with my teacher today.' 'Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!', says the mom. Awhile later the father comes home and the mom says, 'Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today.' Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. 'I told her I had sex with my teacher today,' replied the boy. 'Alright! That's my boy!', says dad. 'Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!' So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. 'You gonna ride it home son?' asks dad. The boy replied, 'Nah, my ass is still sore.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKES Q & AA. Chelsea Clinton. Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? A. You shoot the lawyer....Twice. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSHe won't expect it back. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEAfter a while the bartender says to them, "Ladies, for the past 3 hours you have been sitting here chanting 51 days. Why?" The Blondes stop chanting and look up. "Well," says one of the Blondes, "we just finished a puzzle." "So. What does that have to do with anything?" the bartender asked. "Well, the box says 3 to 5 years. We finished it in 51 days," ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 20th Anniversary SEPTEMBER 11thIt's hard to believe that 20 years ago today my phone rang at 8am.................
 Don't ever forget SEPTEMBER 11, 2001! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Confessionalconfessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.' The priest asks, 'What did you do?' The woman says, 'I committed adultery.' Priest, 'How many times?' Woman, 'Three times.' Priest, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the poor box, and go and sin no more.' A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.' Priest, 'What did you do?' Man, 'I committed adultery.' Priest: 'How many times?' Man, 'Three times.' Priest, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the poor box, and go and sin no more.' The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.' Rabbi, 'What did you do?' Woman, 'I committed adultery.' Rabbi, 'How many times?' Woman, 'Once.' Rabbi, 'Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSYou only need a parachute to skydive twice. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HORSY RIDENot finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Johnny watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Johnny climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Johnny, "this is where me and Uncle Ted usually fall off!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSbut it sure makes misery easier to live with. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LITTLE BOY'I couldn't sleep last night so I went into your room. Why were you jumping up and down on daddy?' His mom said, 'Well dear, I was pushing the air out of him.' The boy replied, 'Oh then you're wasting your time. The lady next door blows him back up every day.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKESA: They are usually in your wallet! Q: What do you call a smart Blonde? A: A golden retriever. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEcrying and asked her what had happened and the Blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and settled her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the Blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying again. The blonde replied, "I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ONE UPMANSHIP'My son,' the first one says, 'started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!' 'My son,' said the second, 'started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!' 'My son,' said the third, 'started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends $1,000,000 in stock.' 'Well,' the fourth guy said, 'my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MATH TEACHERArithmetic today. 'Why?' asks his father. 'The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said '6''. 'But that's right,' said his father. 'Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'' 'What's the goddam difference?' asks his father. 'That's what I said!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GOD?'Daddy, is God a man or a woman?' 'Both son. God is both.' After a while the kid comes again and asks, 'Daddy, is God black or white?' 'Both son, both.' The child returns a few minutes later and says, 'Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?' 
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