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"So Much Beauty, So Little Time..." ...A.H.


Aug 2021

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NEW Added on 8/31/2021


A man returned home from his night shift job and went straight up to the bedroom.

He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.

Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled

to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

'How'd you get down here so fast?' he asked. 'We were just making love!'

'Oh my God,' his wife gasped, 'That's my mother up there!

She came over and complained of having a headache.

I told her to lie down for a while.'

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom.

'Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?'

The mother-in-law huffed,

'I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!'


NEW Added on 8/30/2021


Hospitality is.......

making your guests feel like they're at home....

even if you wish they were.


NEW Added on 8/29/2021



A woman will dress up to go shopping,

water the plants,

empty the trash,

answer the phone,

read a book,

and get the mail..........

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NEW Added on 8/28/2021


A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new

$600 mountain bike.

'How'd you get that, son?'

'By hiking.'


'Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $50 to take a hike.'


NEW Added on 8/27/2021


A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking Blonde girl and,

dared her to climb this pole that was nearby.

Never having backed off a dare, she decided to do it.

When she told her mother what happened, her mother scolded her:

'Don't you understand that they only wanted to see your panties?'

The girl was understandably upset at being very stupid and naive,

and decided to show those boys a thing or two.

The next day, they repeated their request, and when she came home

she was beaming.

'What are you so happy about?' asked her mother.

'I totally showed them.

Today I didn't even wear panties.'


NEW Added on 8/26/2021


Behind every successful man is his woman.

Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.


NEW Added on 8/25/2021

20 Things You Wish You Could Say At Work

1. AHHH....I see the Screw-up fairy has visited us again.....

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'd bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never???? Is never good for you????

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you are saying.

10. I see your point, but I still think you are full of shit.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant..


NEW Added on 8/24/2021


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.


NEW Added on 8/23/2021


Going to church doesn't make you a Christian,

any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


NEW Added on 8/22/2021


A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.'

Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute!'

The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful', it was now 'cute'.

She said, 'What happened to 'beautiful'?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off!'


NEW Added on 8/21/2021


A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted
by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man.

'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate
the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' said the old lady.

'I haven't got any money' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and
pushed it wide open.

'Don't be too hasty!' he said.

'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet,

Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

'Well,' she said,

'I hope you have a damned good appetite,

because the electricity was cut off this morning.'


NEW Added on 8/20/2021


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.


NEW Added on 8/19/2021


Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.

She puts her foot in and pauses.

She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.'

She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says,

'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood...'

She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you......

as soon as I see who's at the door.'


NEW Added on 8/18/2021


"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,

his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water,

and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep,

and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank

and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him,

"Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked,

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious."You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.

It is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE,

You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ.

Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife.

Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.

Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives,

so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE."

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a man lies,

it is for a good and honorable reason,

and it's always for the benefit of others.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it! -


NEW Added on 8/17/2021


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

"I never seen nothin' like that before...........

and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....


NEW Added on 8/16/2021


* Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

* I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

* Let's subscribe to Hustler.


NEW Added on 8/15/2021


Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


NEW Added on 8/14/2021


Women will never be equal to men until.....

they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.


NEW Added on 8/13/2021


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,

'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.

Please be careful!'

'Hell,' said Herman,

'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'


NEW Added on 8/12/2021


A frustrated housewife bought a new pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to arouse her husband and spice up their dead sex life.

After cooking his favorite meal for dinner one evening,

she had put them on under a revealing short skirt and relaxed with a glass of wine on the sofa

directly across from where her husband was sitting in his chair.

After several more glasses of wine and at what she thought was the appropriate moment,

she uncrossed her legs just wide enough so that her husband could catch a revealing view.

It wasn't long before his eyes focused on the prize and he asked,

" Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

" Y -e-s," She answered coyly with a seductive smile.

" Thank God!" he said,"

I thought you were sitting on the cat."


NEW Added on 8/11/2021


Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

the good fortune to run into the ones I do,

and the eyesight to tell the difference.


NEW Added on 8/10/2021


Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf.

One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'


NEW Added on 8/9/2021


The early bird might get the worm,

but the second mouse gets the cheese.


NEW Added on 8/8/2021


This little boy walked in on his mom in the bathroom and noticed the hair on

her private area.

The little boy asked, "Mommy, what is that?"

She replied, "this is my washcloth."

The little boy went on his way.

One evening the woman and her husband were beginning to make love

and he asked her to do something different and shave her hair off.

She agreed.

A week or so after that the little boy had walked in on his mother again but this time
she didn't have any hair.

So the little boy asked with concern, "Mommy, what happen to your washcloth?"

She replied, "I lost it."

Later that day the little boy came running up to his mom and said,

"Mommy, I found your washcloth."

She replied confused, "Where did you find it?"

He told her that the lady next door was washing Daddy's face with it!


NEW Added on 8/7/2021


One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.

They each bought a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed
in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it,
as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink,

but then held it out over the beer and yelled,



NEW Added on 8/6/2021


A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way.....

that you will look forward to the trip :-)


NEW Added on 8/5/2021


Two men were in a bar.

One man said, "Did you know that beer contains female hormones?"

The other man said, "No! Is it true?"

"Yes," said the first man.

"If you drink too much....

you start talking insistently and you drive like an idiot."


NEW Added on 8/4/2021


A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club.

The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range.

The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.

The golf pro says, 'Not bad,

Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast.'

The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards.

The golf pro says, 'Excellent!'

Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.

Golf pro: 'Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's privates.'

She swings and the ball only goes 10 yards.

Golf pro: 'Try taking the club out of your mouth.'


NEW Added on 8/3/2021



A woman has the last word in any argument

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


NEW Added on 8/2/2021


A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and
came upon a young boy who was masturbating.

"My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest.

"You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said

"Yes, Father."

About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man,
in his early twenties came in.

"Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me
masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it
for when I get married," said the young man.

"That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest.

"Did you take my advice?"

"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."

"What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have three 55 gallon drums full of the stuff in the back
of my pickup truck.

Now that I am getting married what am I supposed to do with it?"


NEW Added on 8/1/2021


At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sex education

and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sex education on TV.

Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies.

'Great,' said the teacher, 'that's very important. '

Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about
people getting married.

'Well, that has to do with it too,' said the teacher.

Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians
came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all.

The teacher said,

'Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sex education.'

'Yes it does,' said Johnny,

' it taught those Indians not to screw with John Wayne.'