Please take a moment and remember all the men and women who fought and died for this country.
Today we thank all our troops in conflict all over the world.
Please do not fail to say thank you to all the Veterans who returned home.
Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in heat.
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Bubba, a part timer,
responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
Bubba had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy any hairy female.
So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.
Bubba was approached with a proposition:
would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks?
Bubba showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Bubba announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under three conditions.
'First,' he said. 'I don't want to have to kiss her.
Secondly, I want to wear protection.'
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions,
so they asked what was his third condition.
'Well,' said Bubba.
'You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks!'
THE FARMERS CONFESSION
he's been having sex with a pig ever since his wife died.
The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig
is a male or female.
"No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer.
"And the pig is a female, of course.
What the hell do you think I am -- a goddamn queer?"
THE FROG, THE GENIE & 3 WISHES
The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large
muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.
The bartender hands him the beer and says,
'You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique,
it's really phenomenal!
But I have a question why is your head so small?'
The big guy nods slowly.
He's obviously fielded this question many times.
'One day', he begins, 'I was hunting and got lost in the woods.
I heard someone crying for help.
I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.'
'Really?' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
'Kiss me, kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.'
I looked around to see if I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.
POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful voluptuous naked woman.
She said, 'You now have 3 wishes.' ,
I looked around at my scrawny 115 pound body and said,
' I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger.!'
She nodded and snapped her fingers,
and POOF there I was so big that I ripped out of my clothes
and was standing there naked!,
she then asked
'What is your second wish?'
'What next?', asked the bartender.
'I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied,
' I want to make sensuous love with you by the stream'
She nodded, laid down and beckoned me.
We made love right there by the stream for hours!! I was a love machine.
Afterwards, as we lay next to each other, sweating from our glorious love making
she whispered in my ear,
'You know you have one more wish, what will it be?'
I looked at her and replied
'How about a little head?
IN THE DOCTORS OFFICE
he can do.
The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small
course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage.
The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over,
and shoves the thing way up his behind.
The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in
six hours, using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository
inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth.
Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do.
The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves
the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man,
"but I just realized that when the doctor did that,
he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
THE OLD LADY
so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said:
"Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that
your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady,
"I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!!
Q & A
ANSWER....The one that can run the fastest.
A MENTAL INSTITUTION
he's driving a car.
The nurse asks him,
'Charlie, what are you doing?'
Charlie replied, 'Driving to Chicago!'
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car
She asks, 'Well Charlie, how are you doing?'
Charlie says, 'I just got into Chicago'
'Great,' replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room,
and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.
Shocked, she asks,
'Bob, what are you doing?!'
'I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!'
He asked, "How do you think this could have happened, my child?"
She said, "I think it must have been the second coming."
The priest, shocked by this reply, asked,
"What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?"
"It has to be . . . because I swallowed the first!"
THE PRIZE BULL
The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed.
The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the old rancher and tried to get him
to settle out of court.
The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half
of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer
couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher,
'You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there.
I couldn't have won the case.
The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train
went through your ranch that morning.
I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!'
The old rancher replied,
'Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself,
because that darned bull came home this morning.'
and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get a couple of glasses
of wine, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a
small jar on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my husband's ashes are in there."
He goes, "Geez...oooh....I'm sorry..."
"Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
BLONDE ONE LINERS
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
Q: Why do Blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.
Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
LAWYER Q & A
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father,
'What are these things daddy?'
His dad said, 'Condoms son.'
The boy asked, 'Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?'
The dad replied,
'The packs with one are for teenagers, one for Saturday night,
the ones with three are for college students, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday,
and the ones with twelve in them are for married men,
one for January, one for February, one for March...'
are not talking to each other.
The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.
"Well," replied the man, "When we had finished making love on the first night,
as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend.
"I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough
she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said,
"I don't know if I can get over this though.
She gave me $20 change!"
THE DOCTORS OFFICE
finally manages to say,
"Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces the proud physician,
"They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick!
You take some pills, and your problems are history.
"So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.
"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you!
This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!
"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician,
"What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man, "Hell, I haven't been home yet."
THE ROYAL WEDDING
surrounded by all of her Brides Maids.
She suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic!
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding
so she lent them to Sophie for the day.
Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities
were over Sophie's feet was hurting real bad.
When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of
was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard
roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.
Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.'
'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say.
'Right. Now for the other one.'
Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said.
'My God. That was even tighter.'
'That's my boy,' said the Duke.
'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'
DADDY, WHAT IS SEX?
She asked him, ",Daddy, what is sex?",
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides
that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to
get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth
The father asked her, ",Why did you ask this question?",
The little girl replied,
"Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.",
Julie: I think I should warn you Ted, I've got acute angina
Ted: You're breasts are great too!
THE ELDERLY COUPLE
time to marry.
Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding
how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject
of their connubial relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?'
he asked, rather hopefully.
'Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently,'
The old guy paused.... then he asked,
'Was that one word or two?'
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude,
the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax and... - OH MY GOD!"
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier,
but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled
the hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said,
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
and he hadn't bought her a present.
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager
"How much is that Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied,
"Which one? We have.....
'Barbie goes to the gym' for $18.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $18.95 ...
'Barbie goes shopping for $18.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $18.95...
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $18.95 ...
and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $18.95?"
Dad asked surprised.
Simple..."Divorced Barbie comes with.......
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Money, Ken's American Express and Ken's Furniture."
so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded....
on a desert island with six gorgeous women,
he couldn't believe his good fortune.
All the women agreed that each could have him for one night a week,
giving him one day to relax and regain his strength.
Phillip threw himself into this arrangement with gusto,
but as the weeks turned into months,
he found himself looking forward to that single day of rest more and more eagerly.
One afternoon he was sitting on the beach....
wishing for another man to come along and share his workload,
when he caught sight of a man waving from a raft....
that was bobbing on the waves in the distance.
Phillip swam out, pulled the raft to shore,
and danced a little jig of happiness.
'You will not believe how happy I am to see you,' he cried.
The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed,
'You're a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!'
'Shoot,' sighed Phillip,
'there go my Sundays...'
A HELPING HAND
and sees this guy standing next to the urinal with no arms...
As Bob is standing there taking care of business,
he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.
Being a kind soul, Bob says,
"Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK"
Then the man says,
"Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps,
with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs and reeks something awful.
Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him,
and Bob points it for him.
Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob,
"Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
"No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says,
"I don't know, but I AIN'T TOUCHING IT... "
They didn't take my TV, just the remote.
Now they drive by and change the channels. The Sick bastards!!!
The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude
and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive;
those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words,
playing soft music... anything he could think of.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse.
He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation,
Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming
and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird,
and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said,
"I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions,
and I ask your forgiveness.
I will endeavor to correct my behavior".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude
and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued.......
"May I ask what the Chicken did?"
A TEXAN IN AUSTRALIA
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off
his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says,
" We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees
a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,
"Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch
any part of mine, again.
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym
has a girlfriend.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna drink and make fun of you and your friends.
St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one
St. Peter asks the first blonde, 'What is Easter?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone
gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful...'
'Wrong!,' replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question,
'What is Easter?'
The second blonde replies, 'Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree,
exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.'
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong,
and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, 'What is Easter?'
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, 'I know what Easter is.'
'Oh?' says St. Peter, incredulously.
'Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover.
Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived
and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples.
The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side,
made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with
nails through his hands.
He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.'
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues,
'Every February the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...
and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.'
LAWYER Q & A
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who
would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.
After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea
that he thinks will scare the kids away for sure.
So he makes up a sign and posts it in the field.
The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, which says,
"Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
So the kids run off and make up their own sign, which they post
next to the sign that the farmer made.
The farmer shows up the next day to look over his field.
He notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his.
He drives over to the sign and takes a look.
It says: "Now there are two."