Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
A friend asked for the secret of their long and happy marriage.
Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, explained the wife.
We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom
of the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn`t gone too far when the mule stumbled.
My husband quietly said "That`s one."
We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again.
Once more he quietly said, "That`s two."
We hadn`t gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
My husband pulled out a revolver and shot the mule dead.
I started to protest over his killing the mule.
He looked at me and quietly said, "That`s one".
when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.
She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly,
"Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator,
and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying,
"Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination
and is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye,
then bends over and farts And says ...
"Broccoli. 49 cents a pound."
A NIGHT OF PASSION
In the coach were a Texan, a very busty lady, and a greenhorn from the East.
The greenhorn kept eyeing the lady.
Finally he leaned forward and said,
"Lady, I'll give you one hundred dollars for a night of passion."
The Texan was appalled.
He pulled out his pistol.....
shot the greenhorn right between the eyes.....
and shoved his body out the door.
The lady gasped and said,
"Thank you, sir, for defending my honor!"
The Texan holstered his gun and said,
"Your honor, hell!
Just trying to keep down inflation.
Around here, a night of passion goes for twenty dollars."
by his doctor's orders,
so he decides to play tennis.
After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing.
"It's going fine", the manager says.
"When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me....
my brain immediately says,
'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'"
"Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks.
"Then my body says,
'Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!'""
THE RABBI'S PREGNANT WIFE
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive,
so the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Rabbi's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued,
as to how much the Rabbi's additional children were costing the shul,
and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his chair and spoke,
"Children are a gift from God and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back of the synagogue, little old Mrs. Goldberg struggled to stand,
and finally said in her frail voice,
"RAIN is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers!"
can differ depending upon where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features,
and if she is menstruating,
she is more prone to be attracted to a man....
with scissors shoved in his temple.
a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
'Now Jim,' the father said, 'just watch as I deal with this customer.'
A man entered the shop and asked for a packet of grass seeds.
The father handed them to him and asked if he wanted a lawn mower,
to which the man replied, 'Why would I need one of those?'
'Oh,' the father said, 'these grass seeds grow really fast.'
The man accepted the deal and left $100 worse off.
The son of the shop keeper took over at the counter,
when another customer walked in.
'Could I possibly have a packet of Tampax please,' he requested.
'Certainly Sir,' the young boy said, 'and will you want a lawn mower with that?'
The stunned man retorted, 'Why?'
'Well sir,' the boy said,
'it looks like you won't be doing anything else this weekend,
you might as well cut the grass.'
One day he came across a beautifully landscaped garden.
Sitting nearby was an old Greek, morosely surveying the harbor below.
Wayne said hello to him and commented on how nice the garden looked.
The Greek looked up. 'I designed this garden and laid it out,
and a dozen others just as beautiful.
My gardens are the best in Greece.
But do they call me Aristo the Gardener? Pah!'
He spat and looked disgusted.
'What do they call you?' asked Wayne.
The Greek ignored him.
'You see all those yachts down there in the harbor?
I built all of them.
I have built sixty wonderful yachts.
I am a craftsman.
But do they call me Aristo the Boat Builder?
Pah!' He spat again.
'So, what do they call you?' persisted Wayne.
The Greek went on.
'You see all those houses down there round the harbor?
I built them all. I am a master builder.
I have built a hundred beautiful houses.
But do they call me Aristo the House Builder? Pah!'
'So, tell me, what do they call you?' repeated Wayne.
'I screw one sheep.....'
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's all about golf.
Absolute waste of money!
Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
at intervals, "Crisco, Cris--co!"
Finally a store clerk approached.
"Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five."
"Oh," replied the old gentleman,
"I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife."
"Your wife is named "Crisco?"
"No," he answered,
"I only call her that when we come to the supermarket."
"Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?"
grabbed her, and had his way with her.
After he was done, he said,
'Well, sister, now that I have had my way with you,
what will tell you tell your God?'
'I will say', replied the nun,
'Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
I was walking along a lonely path, when a man jumped out from behind some bushes,
grabbed me and had his way with me, twice...'
'That is,' said the nun, smiling at him,
'if you are not too tired.?'
All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies.
I know he`s cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his granddaughters.
I know because he brags about this to me.
He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night.
We sleep in separate beds because he`s always telling me he knows I`m a lesbian and
my varicose veins and hairy back turn him off.
Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him, Abby ?
Your advice would be appreciated
... Mad as Hell
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Mad as Hell,
You don`t have to take that kind of treatment from any man.
I suggest you pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p.!
Don`t resort to clobbering him with the frying pan , and try to act like a lady!
Remember ... you`re married to the Former President of the United States!
LAWYER ONE LINERS
What do lawyers use for birth control? *
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? *
A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the Bar Association prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? *
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
RIGHT and WRONG!
right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take another example," she said.
"If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money,
what would I be?"
A little girl raised her hand, and said,
"You'd be his wife."
JUST MY OPINION
especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs.
Hell, when I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.
BLONDE'S vs BRUNETTES
A brunette who's told too many Blonde jokes.
WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?
WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?
No one else wants it.
WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?
So brunettes can remember them.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?
THE BIG SHOT
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms
and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,
"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.
He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing.
After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc?
Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't.
Not with a carnation anyway."
THE GOLFER & THE LEPRECHAUN
and it went off in to a forest on the side of the course.
So the old man went in to the forest to look for his golf ball, and to his surprise he
found his golf ball next to a little man who the ball had hit and knocked out.
So the old man helped the little fellow to come round, when the little man awoke
he said, 'I'm a leprechaun and I grant you 3 wishes because you caught me
fair and square.'
But the golfer said 'No it's okay as long as you're okay' and with saying this he
picked up his ball and carried on playing his round.
But the leprechaun thought to himself 'What a nice man. I will grant him three wishes
anyway', and he decided that the wishes would be for the man to have a great game of golf
every time he played, to always have money, and to have a great sex life.
A year later on the same golf course the little old man sliced his shot again, into the same
place as he had the previous year, so again he went to find his ball,
and again he had hit the leprechaun, so once again he brought him round,
and the leprechaun said 'You're the same man who did this to me last year!'
'Yes I am said the man.
'So how's your golf been in the last year?' asked the leprechaun.
'Excellent,' said the man. 'I've won every game.'
'Good,' said the leprechaun. 'How's your money situation been?'
'Well,' said the man, 'every time I put my hand in my pocket I pull out $100 dollar bills'
'Excellent,' says the leprechaun.
'And finally, how's your sex life?'
'Well,' replied the golfer, 'I've been getting it three times a week.'
'ONLY THREE TIMES A WEEK!!!' says the leprechaun.
'Well,' replied the golfer, 'it's not bad for a Priest from a small parish!'
and sat down next to a beautiful Blonde.
The Blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Never-the-less, the Blonde continued to look at him thought-fully and finally,
not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
"Hey dumb ass’’, she replied,
‘’if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?’’
BIG BAD JOHN
I've been in the woods for four years and I haven't seen hide or hair of a woman.
What have y'all got for entertainment around here?'
The bartender replies 'This is a pretty small town with no women for miles around.
But if you're into 'it' there is O'l Joe out back.'
'Hell no man, I wouldn't think of it,' John says.
Big Bad John goes back up into the woods.
Two years later he then comes back and says 'I'm Big Bad John,
I've been in the woods for six years now and I haven't seen hide or hair of a woman.
What have y'all got for entertainment around here?'
Remembering him the bartender says
' Well, we still don't have any women around here.
The offer still stands for O'l Joe out back.'
After a few more beers Big Bad John questions the offer saying
'If I did go for O'l Joe, who would know about it?'
'Well, there would be you, me and Joe of course.'
'And also four other guys.'
'Hey man, slow down, that's a lot of people for such a small town.
What's that all about?'
The bartender explains that
'Well, to tell you the truth O'l Joe doesn't go for that shit either
and the other guys are to hold him down.'
donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000,
you give not a penny to charity.
Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,
"First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness,
and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."
"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was
interrupted when the lawyer added,
"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident?"
the lawyer's voice rising in indignation,
"Leaving her pennyless with three little children?"
The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,
"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
COLONEL SANDERS CALLED
The Pope says, "What can I do?
"The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from,
'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'.
If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry.
That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words."
So the Colonel hangs up.
After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.
"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help.
I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from
'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders.
The church could do a lot of good with that much money.
It would help us to support many charities.
But, again, I must decline.
It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."
So the Colonel gives up again.
After two more months of terrible sales.
The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency.
If you change the words of the daily prayer from,
'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'
I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says,
"I have some good news and I have some bad news.
The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news.
Then one asks about the bad news.
The Pope replies,
"The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without
a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love
After 18 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.
His Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him
and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head
in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant 'Take another drink'!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant 'Take another drink'!
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down,
grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left ,
then to the right, through the front door, into the street.........
where a truck smashes into him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father cries hysterically.
The bartender sighs and says
'He should have quit while he was a head!'
DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked,
You're supposed to turn your clock back".
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
" Tell me Mary, who created the universe ?".
When Mary did not stir, little Johnny, seated directly behind her,
took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty !" shouted Mary and the teacher said.." Very good"
and Mary fell back to sleep..A while later the teacher asked Mary,
"Who is our Lord andSaviour ?". But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again "
Jesus Christ " shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good ",
and Mary fell back to sleep...Then the teacher asked Mary a third question..
" What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? "
And again Johnny jabbed her with the pin..
This time Mary jumped up and shouted,
"If you stick that thing in me one more time, l'll break it off ! "
I was recovering from surgery and spent most of the day in bed.
I told him the TV was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the time.
The tv set was old and would just shut itself off for no reason.
I'd give it a few hard wacks on the side and it would come back on,
It was no big deal to me.
The pastor stopped by to check on my recovery
and my son answered the door.
At that time I was trying to get the TV to come back on.
The pastor asked my son if I was busy.
My son said,
she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend."
THE LOAD OF HAY
to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
'You look hot, my son,' said the cleric.
'Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand.'
'No thanks,' said Little Johnny.
'My father wouldn't like it.'
'Don't be silly,' the minister said.
'Everyone is entitled to a break.
Come and have a drink of water.'
Again Little Johnny protested that his father would be upset.
Losing his patience, the clergyman said,
'Your father must be a real slave driver.
Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!'
'Well,' replied Little Johnny,
'He's under the load of hay.
GOING TO HEAVEN
Little Suzy answered: "I think you go up head-first, because your head is where you think about God."
Then little Joseph raised his hand and said: "I think you go up heart-first, because God lives in your heart."
Then little Tommy says: "I think you go up feet-first!"
The teacher asked him: "Why do you believe this, Tommy?"
To which Tommy replied:
"Because I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom and saw mommy sticking her feet into the air saying 'Oh God, I'm coming!'.......
..........and if daddy hadn't been lying on top of her, she would have floated away for sure!"