"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy", replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind.", replied Tommy.
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.
The man shouted, "What, no wool?
In my country all women have wool down there."
The prostitute snapped back,
"What do you want to do, knit or screw?"
I have not been to confession for six months.
On top of that.....
I’ve been with a loose woman.”
The priest sighs.
“Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?”
“Yes, Father, ’tis I.”
“And who might be the woman you were with?”
“I shan’t be tellin’ you, Father.
It would ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Tommy, I’m bound to find out sooner or later,
so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O’Malley?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Lisa O’Shanter?”
“I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.”
“Was it Cathy O’Dell?”
“My lips are sealed.” “Was it Fiona Mallory, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration.
“You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy O’ Shaughnessy,
and I admire that.
But you’ve sinned, and you must atone.
Say 100 Our Fathers and 100 Hail Marys.
Be off with you now.”
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
“What’d you get?”
“Five more good leads!”
Hillary is struck by a car and killed.
Soon, Hillary finds herself at the gates of Heaven.
She sees St. Peter and asks "Can I get into heaven now?"
he says "Soon, I have some things to take care of."
St. Peter leaves and Hillary looks at the scenery and sees millions
of clocks lying around.
Every once in a while, a clock or so would turn ahead 15 minutes.
Hillary wondered why.
Soon, St. Peter came back and Hillary asked "St. Peter,
What are all these clocks for?"
St Peter replies "Each clock represents a man.
Every time a man commits adultry, the clock turns ahead 15 minutes.
Hillary asks "Where's my husbands clock?"
St. Peter replies
"Oh, it's in God's office....
he uses it for a fan."
THE PERFECT FIT
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied," she also needs a bra."
WHAT YOU DRINK
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a man's personality
based on what he drinks.
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay and wants to get laid.
HOTEL FRONT DESK
He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turn's to her and says,
"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
A MARRIAGE PROBLEM
and decided to end their union after a very short time together.
After a brief attempt to reconcile,
the couple went to court seeking a divorce.
The Judge asks the young husband,
"What has brought you to the point....
that you feel you are not able to keep this marriage together?"
The husband answers,
"Your Honor, in the six weeks I have been married....
we have been unable to agree on a single thing."
His wife says........
"I think accountants are the easiest to operate on," said the first surgeon.
"You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
"I think librarians are the easiest to operate on," said the second.
"You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
"I like to operate on electricians," said the third.
"You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
"I like to operate on engineers," said the fourth.
"They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
"I like to operate on lawyers," said the fifth.
"They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and asses
but no matter what she did,
she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.
Admiring her neighbor's garden,
which had beautiful bright red tomatoes,
she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained.
"Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening,
I expose myself in front of the tomatoes
and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect garden,
she tried his advice
and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.
Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.
"So," he asked,
"Any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly.
"But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
They pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend
She sighs and says,
"Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again....for no reason."
The Blonde looks quizzically at her and says,
"What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The red head says,
"Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after giving me flowers,
I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back
with my legs in the air."
The Blonde says "Don't you have a vase?"
TARZAN AND JANE
about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, sex...
Tarzan use hole in trunk of that big tree."
"Tarzan you have it all wrong,...but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground.
"Here" she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then
gave her a kick right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed:
"What did you do that for?"
"Tarzan always check for squirrel."
THE NEVER ENDING STRUGGLE
And then God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach....
green and yellow vegetables of all kinds....
so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said....
"Super size them."
And Man gained many pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt,
so that woman might keep her figure, that man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt....
and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy....
to put on the yogurt.
And woman gained many pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings....
bacon bits, and shredded cheese.
And there was ice cream for dessert.
And woman gained more pounds.
And God said....
"I have sent you heart healthy vegetables....
and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth huge portions of chicken-fried steak.
And Man gained more pounds,
and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes,
and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control
so Man would not have to toil to change channels.
And Man gained even more pounds.
And God brought forth the potato....
a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center
into fries and chips and deep-fat fried them.
And he also created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips and fries
loaded with fat and cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.....
And Satan laughed and created..........
THE ELDERLY COUPLE
time to marry.
Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy paused... then he asked,
"Was that one word or two?"
Suddenly there is a beeping sound.
The first lady presses her forearm and the beeping stops.
The others look at her curiously. "That's my pager," she says,
"I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings.
The second woman lifts her palm to her ear.
When she finishes she explains,
"That's my mobile phone.. I have a microchip in my hand."
The third woman, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna.
In a few minutes she returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her butt.
The others raise their eyebrows.
"Oh excuse me she says, I'm getting a fax."
THE AFRICAN CHIEF
the chief was absolutely stunned.
He suspected some hanky panky....
and went to the white Jesuit missionary father
and looked at him suspiciously.
"You have been sleeping with my wives,"
he accused the white father, who looked very uncomfortable.
The Jesuit, tried to wriggle out of the difficult situation,,,,
by trying to explain Mendel's laws of genetics to the wrathful chief.
"You see that herd of sheep,"
he said pointing to the chief's herd,
"Most of them are white;
but you will also notice 2 black lambs among them."
"OK! OK!" said the chief.
"You keep your mouth shut and so will I."
THE MARTINI MAN
Before drinking it,
he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar.
Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing.
After an hour, when he was full of martinis....
and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out
"Well," said a customer,
"I never saw anything as strange as that!"
"What's so strange about it?" the bartender said.
"His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."
a four year old boy.
The boy lived on a deserted island for fourteen years when one day
he was visited by two young beautiful girls who where out for the day
to have fun.
When they saw the boy who was naked and well endowed they began to ask
him questions, like where he was from, who he was, how old he was and
what he did for pleasure.
He answered all of their questions as best he could, answering their last question
by telling them that he flipped pebbles in the water for pleasure.
They asked what he did for sex and he replied, what is that?
They both decided to show him and after about an hour of heart pounding sex
they asked him what he thought of sex.
He replied, its very good but you sure messed up my pebble flipper.
The officer pulled over across the street, and watched as the man stumbled
around until he got into his car.
After a fewminutes, he then drove out of the lot.
Immediately, the officer sped to intercept the obviously intoxicated driver.
However, when a breath test showed that the driver had not been drinking,
the annoyed officer asked the man why he was staggering all over the parking lot.
The man replied:
"Well officer, tonight I'm the designated decoy".
and his manhood was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his old penis
but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery,
since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $8,500 for small, 12,500 for medium and $34,000 for large.
The man was sure he would want a large....
but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife....
before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room....
and found the man looking dejected.
'Well, what have the two of you decided?'
asked the doctor.
The man answered,
'She'd rather remodel the kitchen'
THE GOOD SAMARITAN
He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by.
Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver....
so he goes back to help.
As he is hooking his truck to her car he says,
"You know, you are the first naked sex crazed woman....
I've ever helped out of a ditch."
"But I'm not naked or sex crazed," she says.
"Well, you're not out of the ditch yet,"
They went to baseball games together and had the best time possible.
They truly loved the game but they always wondered if there was baseball in heaven....
and agreed that whoever died first had to call the other guy....
and tell them if there was baseball in heaven.
Then one night Earl died and a few days later the phone rang it was Earl.
Earl said, "Bob is this you"
"Yes, Earl how are you doing and is there baseball in heaven?" asked Bob.
Well I've got some good news and some bad news.
Earl said hesitantly.
"The good news is there is baseball in heaven....
and you can play with Babe Ruth and everybody its great."
"Then what's the bad news?"
your starting pitcher tomorrow night!"
Walking toward his ball,
he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said,
"and this is going to cost you $5000."
I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied.
"But I did yell 'fore'."
The attorney says,
"I'll take it."
LOOKING FOR SEX
I called my dog "Sex"
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to get his license,
I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex.
He said, "I'd like to have one too."
Then I said, "But this is a dog."
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
Then I said, "You don't understand,
I've had Sex since I was 9 years old."
He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon,
I took the dog with me.
I told the hotel clerk that....
I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the place was for sex.
I said, "You don't understand,
Sex keeps me awake at night."
The Clerk said "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest....
but before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around.
I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest.
He told me that I should have sold tickets.
"But you don't understand", I said,
"I had hoped to have Sex on television."
He called me a show-off
When my wife and I separated,
we went to court to file for custody of the dog.
I said, "Your Honor,
I had Sex before I got married."
The judge said "Me too."
Then I told him that after I was married,
Sex had left me.
He said, "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again.
I spent hours looking around town for him.
A cop came over to me and asked
"What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?"
I said, "I'm looking for Sex..."
My case comes up on Friday...
HAPPY OLD MAN
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.
"I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
The first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna if we could try sex in a different position.
I wanted to try doing it doggy style."
"Doggy style? Did she go for it?"
"I'll say. I sat up and begged while she rolled over and played dead."
for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby
the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort
to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 42 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers
in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the states of West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama,
Texas, Oklahoma and Tennessee were different;
Over 92.3 percent of their final words were:
"Hold my beer and watch this."
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human....
because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
The little girl stated that a whale swallowed Jonah.
The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human....
it was impossible.
The little girl said,
"When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked,
"What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied,
"Then you ask him.
THE ITALIAN FIRE DEPARTMENT
In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said,
'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant.
They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000!
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.
It was the fire engine of the nearby Peterstown section of Elizabeth, NJ.
This fire department was composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters,
passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!
Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire
as if they were fighting to save their own lives.
Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000,
and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film.
The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief; 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, the 70-year-old fire chief,
'de fursta tinga we gonna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'
A. They both look nice hanging from a tree.
The Doctor tells him, 'You've got to stop masturbating!'
'Why Doc,' he asked, 'am I going blind?'
'No,' the Doctor explained,
'but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room!'