 SUNBURNsettled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep and after a whole day his legs were sunburned beyond belief.... and he could hardly stand for the pain. So he goes to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looks at the man's sunburnt legs and says, "well, you realize that this is only a small village doctor's office and, in reality, I've really got nothing at all to help you." He then gives the man one tablet of Viagra: "However, try this", So the man says "but I've got acute sunburn what's a Viagra tablet going to do?" The doctor says, "basically, nothing at all for the sunburn but.... it will help keep the sheets off of your legs tonight." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HILLARY CLINTON STORY"Prepare yourself for widowhood... Your husband is about to die a violent death." Mrs. Clinton takes a deep breath and asks : "Will I be acquitted?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A GOOD AND PIOUS MANthe Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven. "Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked. "I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed.... the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka. The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat." Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed.... a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates. The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand." "To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people.... it doesn't pay to cook?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MY CONDOLENCESher depression, still mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?" He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORHe says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time.... and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her.... and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness". Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says.... "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CADILLACon his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge.... he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump. "What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy, is a 2016 Cadillac Deluxe." "What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors.... AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel.... 18 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all.... a 8.8 liter V12 engine." "Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAS VEGAS LOGICis to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEN'S LOGICNeither one works. 2. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence.... try orderin' somebody else's dog around. 3. If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'. 4. Good judgment comes from experience.... and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 5. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back. 6. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is.... but it's critical to know what it was. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LEGAL QUESTION??If a couple living together for two years in the state of Tennessee.... decide to relocate to the state of West Virginia.... where they get married.... have three children over a seven year period.... and then decide to divorce.... if after the man moves back to the state of Tennessee.... can the couple thereafter still be referred to as.... brother and sister? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TEXAS LOGICNever smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. It doesn't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. Always drink upstream from the herd. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. A smart ass just doesn't fit in a saddle. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & Aa tornado in Kansas.... and a hurricane in Florida have in common? A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DUMB GUYSand one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says.... "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of 'em." "OK. Ummmmm . . . five?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ROLLING THE DICETwo bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude." With that she strips naked, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs new clothes!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PRIESTwhom he had not seen for many years. She welcomed him into the parlor. While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it. Astonished and shocked, he quickly turned away. But after tea, curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it. "Oh, yes," she said enthusiastically. "While in town last year I found a package on the sidewalk. The directions on the back said 'keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease.' And you know, I think it works. I haven't had a cold all winter!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHERLOCK HOLMESSherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench. "Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed." "Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?" "Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it in one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces." "The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth." "Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?" "Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PRIEST'S PARTYING"I am sick of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want." Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests." Joe said "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else." In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals. When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this." Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you." Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. And so, Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, danced to wicked music." Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5 'Our Father's' and 5 'Hail Mary's' and you will be absolved of your sin." A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you DARE to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail Mary's," donate all your money for the next month to the church, and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees." "WHAT?!" Father Fred was shocked. "What about our agreement??" Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RETIREMENT BLISSAnswer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MANAGEMENT ADVICE"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today, I'm really ill... I've got a headache and stomach ache. I can't come in to work." The boss says, "George I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and ask her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that." Two hours later George calls again, "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great.... I'll be at work soon. By the way, you have a really nice house." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MORE DOCTORS' NOTES ON PATIENTS CHARTSwith only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 2. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 3. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 4. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up. 5. She is numb from her toes down. 6. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. 7. The skin was moist and dry. 8. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 9. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 10. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. 11. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LIKE A BABYand their relationship was getting serious. The man proposed marriage, and she accepted. However, she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He told her that his penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved him and that size didn't matter. Come the day of their wedding, all went well. That night, the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at a resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom.... she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a babys. "Don't worry, honey," he said. She took her nightgown off, and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession.... about his penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off, the new bride said, "Good God Almighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby." "It is," he said. "7 pounds and 20 inches long!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MORE DOCTORS' NOTES ON PATIENTS CHARTS: |
