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"So Much Beauty, So Little Time..." ...A.H.


Jan 2021

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NEW Added on 1/31/2021


A man receives a phone call from his doctor....

telling him there's been a terrible mix up with his wife's medical tests.

"We mixed up the test results....

and we don't know if she's the one with the heart condition or the clap."

explains the Doctor.

"Oh no, what can I do?" asks the man.

"Well" says the Doctor,

"send her out for a Jogging Session....

....if she comes back send her in for a shot of penicillin!!"


NEW Added on 1/30/2021


At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

"It opens at noon," answers the clerk.

About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

"What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before - noon," replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered.

"Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait,

I can have room service send something up to you."

"No! I don't wanna git in, ah wanna git OUT!"


NEW Added on 1/29/2021


A rabbit one day managed to break free from a laboratory where he had been born and brought up.

As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

'WOW! This is great,' he thought.

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight:

lots if other bunny rabbits - all free and nibbling at the lush green grass.

'Hey,' he called out. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory over there and I've just escaped.

Are you wild rabbits?'

'Yes. Come and join us, ' they all cried out.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass.

It tasted so good.

'What else do you do wild rabbits do?' he asked.

'Well,' one of them said, 'you see that field over there?

Its got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.'

This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour gorging on the most succulent carrots he had ever tasted.

'They are wonderful' he told his new friends.

Much later, he asked them again: 'What else do you do?'

'You see that field there in the distance?

Its got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well'.

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned some hours later, completely full of lettuce.

'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked.

One of the other rabbits came close to him and spoke softly:

'There is one other thing you must try.'

Pointing to a bunch of rabbits in the far corner of the field,

he said 'They're girl rabbits.

We screw them. Go and try it.'

Well, our friend spent the rest of the afternoon screwing his little heart out

until, completely exhausted, he staggered back to his male friends.

'That was fantastic,' he panted.

'So are you going to live with us then?' one of the asked.

'I'm sorry. I had a great time. Believe me, but I can't'.

The wild rabbits all stared at him in amazement.

'Why? We thought you liked it here.'

'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory....

I'm dying for a cigarette.'


NEW Added on 1/28/2021


It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest.

"Would you like dinner?"

The flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.


NEW Added on 1/27/2021


"Honey," said this husband to his wife,

"I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy?

The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping,

all the dishes are dirty,

and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the jerk is thinking about getting married."


NEW Added on 1/26/2021


A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large

muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.

The bartender hands him the beer and says,

'You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique,

it's really phenomenal!

But I have a question why is your head so small?'

The big guy nods slowly.

He's obviously fielded this question many times.

'One day', he begins, 'I was hunting and got lost in the woods.

I heard someone crying for help.

I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.'

'Really?' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

'Kiss me, kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.'

I looked around to see if I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.

POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful voluptuous naked woman

She said, 'You now have 3 wishes.' ,

I looked around at my scrawny 115 pound body and said,

' I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger.!'

She nodded and snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was so big that

I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!,

she then asked 'What is your second wish?'

'I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied,

' I want to make sensuous love with you by the stream'

She nodded, laid down and beckoned me.

We made love right there by the stream for hours!!

Afterwards, as we lay next to each other, she whispered in my ear,'

You know you have one more wish, what will it be?'

I looked at her and replied

'How about a little head?'


NEW Added on 1/25/2021


Tired of a listless sex life....

the man came right out and asked his wife....

during a recent lovemaking session,

"How come you never tell me when you are fully satisfied?"

She glanced at him casually and replied,

"You're never home!"


NEW Added on 1/24/2021


Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.


NEW Added on 1/23/2021


A gay man was driving his sports car around the corner, when an eighteen-wheeler

pulled out of the alley and directly in front of his way.

The sports car plows into the truck and totally demolishes the front end of the sports car.

The gay man jumps out of the car, comes tearing around the side of the truck

where the truck driver is, and hollers,

"You did that on purpose! You just pulled right out in front of me!"

The truck driver says, "Suck my dick."

Waving his hands, the gay man say's....

"Don't try to sweet talk me -- I'm really PISSED!"


NEW Added on 1/22/2021


Sam was drinking all night at the pub.

The bartender finally tells him its closing time, so Sam stands up to go and falls flat on his face.

He tries to stand up again but with the same result.

So he thinks to himself that he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air

and maybe that will sober him up a bit.

Once outside, he stands up and again falls flat on his face.

So he thinks, 'It's Very Late' and starts crawling home.

When he gets to his front door he tries once again to stand up, manages to open the door but promptly falls straight back down on the floor.

He crawls in and quietly crawls up the stairs where he manages to pull himself upright by his bed.

He crawls in and falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He wakes up the next morning with his wife standing above him shouting at him.

'So, you've been out getting drunk again, have you?'

Thinking he hadn't disturbed her coming in the previous night, he puts on an innocent face and says

'What makes you say that, love?'

'Because the pub called.

You've left your wheelchair there again!'


NEW Added on 1/21/2021


A guy and his manager go down to the docks.

The manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all.

Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day.

The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock.

The guy drops his pants and starts.

True to his word, he moves from one to the next,

satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51..

He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving

from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied:

97............ 98............. 99................ and before he can get to the last woman,

he has a heart attack and dies.

The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says,

"I don't understand it!

It went perfectly well at practice this morning!"


NEW Added on 1/20/2021


Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs.

She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

Excuse me, miss, said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.

What difference does it make?

Joan asked rather calmly.

No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel.

Not exactly, said the embarrassed man.You're lying on the dining room skylight.


NEW Added on 1/19/2021


Judy asks her husband, Zeek, if he'd like breakfast.

"How about bacon and eggs, or a slice of toast with some grape jam,"

she says.

"I'm not hungry," Zeek says.

"It's the Viagra, it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, Judy asks,

"Would you like a bowl of soup or a ham and cheese sandwich?"

"I'm not hungry," Zeek says.

"It's the Viagra, it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At dinner time, Judy offers to run to the cafe.

"I could pick you up a burger and fries, or even chicken fingers and nachos,"

she says.

"No thanks," Zeek says.

"It's the Viagra, it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well, can you please get off of me?" she says. "I'm starving!"

NEW Added on 1/18/2021


Three ladies are playing golf at their country club when....

a very well endowed naked man strolls by....

wearing only a bag over his head.

The first lady said

"That is not my husband",

the second lady says

"That is definitely not my husband"

and the third one says

"Well I recognize him,

that's Bob Johnson and......

he's not even a member of our country club".


NEW Added on 1/17/2021


Frank always looked on the bright side.

He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.

No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply

"It could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit...

his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad....

so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said,

"Frank, did you hear about Tom?"

"He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man....

shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That's awful," said Frank,

"but it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend,

"could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank,

"if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"


NEW Added on 1/16/2021


Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is nude sunbathing again, come see!

Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out hot chicks.

Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!


NEW Added on 1/15/2021


A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain....

He was unable to get any women to have sex with him....

because they all told him that his penis was too long.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration,

"Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do.

But I do know a witch who may be able to help you."

So the doctor gave him directions to the witch's place.

The man went to see the witch the next day, and told her his sad story.

The witch said, "I think I have a solution to your problem.

What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest.

In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log....

who can help solve your dilemma.

You must ask the frog, 'will you marry me?'

Each time the frog declines your proposal....

your penis will be 4 inches shorter."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.

He came upon the pond and there sat the frog on a log.

He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him with some disdain, and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 4 inches shorter!

"WOW!" he screamed out loud.

Then he said to himself, "This is great!

But it's still too long at 16 inches....

so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."

Once more he shouted to the frog,

"Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his penis,

looked down, and it was another 4 inches shorter!

The man laughed, and shouted, "This is fantastic!"

He looked down at his penis once more, and by now it was only 12 inches long.

"Twelve inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal," he thought. "So, I'll ask the frog to marry me ONE more time."

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out,

"Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head in frustration and said,

"NO! NO! . . .

and for the last time, NO!"


NEW Added on 1/14/2021


A drunk guy in a bar asks the bartender where is the bathroom?

The bartender gives the man directions to the bathroom.

A few minutes later, everybody at the bar hears a loud scream from the bathroom

and wonders what the is going on in there.

A few minutes go by and, again,

everybody at the bar hears another loud scream from the bathroom.

This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate....

what the drunk is screaming about.

He knocks on the door and asks the drunk,

"What's the problem? You're scaring my customers!"

The drunk says,

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush it,

something comes up and squeezes my balls."

With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says,

"Well, no wonder....'re sitting on the mop bucket!"


NEW Added on 1/13/2021


Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard.

When it rains, however, the laundry always gets wet.

All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's.

The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie,

"Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"

"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Paul.

If his thing is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash.

If his thing is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."

"What if he's excited?" asks one of the women.

"Honey," says Sophie,

"On a day like that, I don't do the laundry."


NEW Added on 1/12/2021


A Blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane.

The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket.

The Blonde replies, "I'm Blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the Blonde to leave.

The Blonde yet again repeats

"I'm Blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off;

The Blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the Blonde and whispers in her ear.

She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.

The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.

The copilot replies,

"I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."


NEW Added on 1/11/2021


Why I Like Retirement !

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to move back in.


NEW Added on 1/10/2021


A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and he see's a knockout looking hooker.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,

"How much do you charge?"

Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job!

No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"


"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"


"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"


"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.

And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

The guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced

the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose head is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"$1,500? My God! No head could be worth that.

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.

Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright.

And I own it because I give head that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job,

decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.

He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, "How much for some sex?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.

Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us,

all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a vagina."


NEW Added on 1/9/2021


A man was out in the Chinese wilderness and he was hopelessly lost.

It had been nearly three weeks since he had eaten anything besides what he could forage and he had been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he came upon an old mansion in the woods.

It had vines covering most of it and the man couldn’t see any other buildings in the area.

However, he saw smoke coming out of the chimney.

He knocked on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answered.

The old man squinted his eyes and asked, "What do you want?"

The man said, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time.

I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."

The old Chinese man said,

. "I'll let you come in on one condition. You cannot mess around with my granddaughter."

The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agreed.

"I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."

The old Chinese man replied,

"Okay, but if I catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese tortures ever known to man."

"Okay, Okay," the man said as he entered the old house.

That night, after showering the man came down to eat, he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was.

She was an absolute pearl, and he had gone many, many months without sex.

The girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather.

They couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time.

The man crept back to his room later that night, thinking to himself,

"Any three tortures would be worth it after that experience."

The next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest.

He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest.

On the rock was a sign that said.

"First Chinese torture: 100-pound rock on your chest."

"What a lame torture," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out.

On the backside of the rock was another sign saying,

"Second Chinese torture: right testicle tied to rock."

The rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, so he quickly jumped out the window after the rock.

Outside the window was a third sign saying,

"Third Chinese torture: left testicle tied to bedpost."


NEW Added on 1/8/2021


A very shy guy goes into a nightclub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,

"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says,

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.

You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people
respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,

"Two-hundred dollars??? What do you mean $200?!!


NEW Added on 1/7/2021


An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,

"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.

Just cooperate with anything he wants.

If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.

Our lives depend on it!"

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag,

"I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"


NEW Added on 1/6/2021


An elderly couple were driving across the country.

The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said,

'Ma'am did you know you were speeding?'

The woman turns to her husband and asked,

'What did he say?'

The old man yelled,

'He says you were speeding!'

The patrolman said,

'May I see your license?'

The woman turned to her husband and asked,

'What did he say?'

The old man yelled,

'He wants to see your license!'

The woman gave him her license.

The patrolman said,

'I see you are from Arkansas.

I spent some time there once and went on a blind date....

with the ugliest woman I've ever seen.'

The woman turned to her husband and asked,

'What did he say?'

The old man yelled,

'He thinks he knows you!'


NEW Added on 1/5/2021


An architect, an artist and an accountant....

were discussing whether it was better to spend time....

with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife,

building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress,

because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The accountant said, 'I like both.'


Accountant: 'If you have a wife and a mistress,

they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman,

and you can go to the office and get some work done.'


NEW Added on 1/4/2021


An Oklahoma State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-35.

He says to the driver,

"Got any ID?"

The driver says,

"Bout what?"


Q: Did you hear about the $3,000,000 West Virginia State Lottery?
A: The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.


Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Frankfort,Kentucky burned down?
A: Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.


NEW Added on 1/3/2021


* What do Lawyers use for birth control?
* Their personalities.

* What is the difference between a tick and a Lawyer?
* A tick falls off of you when you die.

* Why does the Lawyers Bar Association prohibit sex between Lawyers and their clients?
* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

* What do you have when 100 Lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
* Not enough sand.

* What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road....
and a dead Lawyer in the middle of the road?
* There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

* What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
* A Doberman.


NEW Added on 1/2/2021


The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park.

They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

"What would you like to do next?" he asked.

"I wanna get weighed," she said.

So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster.

After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked
what else she would like to do.

"I wanna get weighed," she said.

"I really latched onto a square one tonight," thought the young man,
and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked,

"What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Wousy," said the girl.


NEW Added on 1/1/2021


The tour bus traveling through northern Nevada....

passed briefly at the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks, NV.

The guide noted:

"We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America."

A male passenger shouted: "WHY?!?"