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"So Much Beauty, So Little Time..." ...A.H.


Nov 2020

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NEW Added on 11/30/2020

The Flood

One day there was this preacher and he was having his usual sermon
when all of a sudden it started raining, really, really, hard.

After about 1 full hour of complete non-stop rain, they started making evacuations
because the whole church was flooding, but the preacher just stood there
in the ankle-deep water.

A guy in a car came up to him and said.

"Preacher,Preacher you better get in here before you drown!"

But the preacher just replied "Don't worry God will save me."

The man then said "Whatever!" and drove away.

The water was now knee-deep and a guy in a raft came over to the Preacher

and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!"

Despite the second warning the Preacher just stood there and replied

"Don't worry God will save me."

The man then said "Whatever" and rowed away in the orange raft.

The water was now waist-deep and a guy in a power boat came to the Preacher

and said "Preacher,Preacher you better get in here before you drown!"

Despite the third warning the Preacher just stood there and replied

"Don't worry God will save me."

With that the man said "Whatever!" and jetted away in the power boat.

The water was now neck-deep and a guy in a helicopter came and said

"Preacher, Preacher you better get your butt in here before you drown"

The Preacher still just stood there and replied

"Don't worry God will save me."

And with that the man said "Whatever" and flew away.

The water then got so deep that the Preacher was sucked under and died.

When he opened his eyes he noticed that he was in heaven.

He then saw God and asked "God!

Why didn't you save me from that horrible flood?!?"

God then replied,

" I sent you a car,a raft,a power boat, and a helicopter!

What else do you want from me?"


NEW Added on 11/29/2020

Relationship with God

77 year old Morris went for his annual physical.

All of his tests came back with great results.

Dr. Cohen said, "Morris everything looks great physically.

How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with yourself,

and have a good relationship with God?"

Morris replied, "God and me are tight.

We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night,

*poof* . . . the light goes on when I go to the bathroom and then

*poof* the light goes off!"

"Wow," commented Dr. Cohen, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Cohen called Morris's wife.

"Becky," he said, "Morris is just fine. Physically he's great.

But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.

Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof*

the light goes on in the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off?"

Becky replied, "The darn fool!

. . . He's peeing in the fridge again!"


NEW Added on 11/28/2020


A conductor, while taking tickets on the train, noticed a lady with a small
and extremely ugly baby on her lap.

"Lady," the conductor said, "that is by far the ugliest baby I have ever seen."

The woman, horrified by the conductor's comment, began screaming at him,
and demanded that her money be refunded and the conductor be fired.

The head conductor then came into the car and tried to smooth things over.

"Listen, lady," he said, "if you will forget all about this matter,

I'll see that you get the best treatment possible,

I'll give you your money back, and I'll even try to find you

a nice, ripe banana for that monkey of yours."


NEW Added on 11/27/2020


The executive was interviewing a young Blonde for a position in his company.

He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked,

"If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The Blonde quickly responded,

"The living one."


NEW Added on 11/26/2020


A Blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature."

Her question was,

"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked,

"Is it on or off?"


NEW Added on 11/25/2020


A man moves into a nudist colony.

He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony,

he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother.

The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half.

He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part,

but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,

"Thank you for the picture.

Change your hair makes your nose look too long."


NEW Added on 11/24/2020


God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from

dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back.

You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much.

Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance

over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion.

You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much.

Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey.

You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot.

You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world

is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years."

And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational

being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over

the creatures of the world.

You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded,

"Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me

the 30 years the mule refused,

the 15 years the dog refused,

and the 10 years the monkey rejected."

And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry

and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.

Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and

eating the leftovers after his children empty the pantry;

then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse

his grandchildren.


NEW Added on 11/23/2020


A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear Wife:

You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs

which you are no longer able to satisfy.

I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt

or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter,

I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant.

I'll be home before midnight.

-Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him

that read as follows:

"Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter,

I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy.

Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact

that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Don't wait up."


NEW Added on 11/22/2020


This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards,

the doctor comes in, and he says,

"I have to tell you something about your baby."

"The woman sits up in bed and says,

"What's wrong with my baby, Doctor?"

"What's wrong?" The doctor says,

"Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly....

but your baby is a little bit different.

Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says,

"A hermaphrodite........

what's that?"

The doctor says,

"Well, it means your baby has

features... of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale.

She says,

"Oh my God!............................

You mean my baby has a penis and a brain?"


NEW Added on 11/21/2020


A Blonde entered a barber shop she was wearing headphones on her head,

the barber asked her to take them off but she said no,

so he started to cut her hair

then he took off the headphones and the Blonde died.

The barber put the headphones on his ears and the tape said

" breathe in, breathe out.....breathe in, breathe out....."


NEW Added on 11/20/2020


One day, three boys were walking along the street....

and they saw a naked woman.

One of them turned and ran away,

the other two were worried and chased after him.

When they caught up to him,

they asked him why he had run away.

He said....

"Because my mom told me if I ever saw a naked woman I'd turn to stone,

and I did feel something start to get hard."


NEW Added on 11/19/2020


A prostitute goes into a bar and spots a koala bear on a stool.

They talk, they flirt, and the koala takes her home.

After a night of passion the koala climbs out of bed and rambles towards the door.

'Where are you going?' yells the prostitute.

'I haven't been paid.'

Suspecting that the koala might not understand the nature of her profession,

she reaches for a dictionary and shows him the definition.

'Prostitute: n. a woman who performs sexual services for money.'

Where upon the koala grabs the dictionary and shows her the definition:

'Koala Bear, n. a furry marsupial....

Eats bush and leaves.'


NEW Added on 11/18/2020


This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks.

One in each hand and one under his left arm.

He places them on the bar.

He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender.

The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about
the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.

They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go
to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar.

The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence.

The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation.

'What's your name?' He says to the first duck.

'Huey' said the first duck.

'How's your day been, Huey?'

'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day'.

'Oh. That's nice.', says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck 'Hi. And what's your name?'.

'Dewey' came the answer.

'So how's your day been, Dewey?'.

'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.

If I had the chance another day I would do the same again'.

So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says

'So, you must be Louie'.

'No', growls the third duck,

'My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my damn day'.


NEW Added on 11/17/2020


One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limo

when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

'Why are you eating grass?' he asked one man.

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied.

'Oh, come along with me then,' instructed the lawyer.

'But, sir, I have a wife and two children!'

'Bring them along!' replied the lawyer.

He turned to the other man and said, 'Come with us.'

'But sir, I have a wife and six children!' the second man answered.

'Bring them as well!' answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task,
even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says,

'Sir, you are too kind.

Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied,

'No problem....

the grass at my home is almost a foot tall.'


NEW Added on 11/16/2020


A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer.

The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said,

'Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world,
and he taught me everything he knew.'

'Really?' said the ringmaster.

'Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?'

'Yes he did,' the man replied.

'And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?'

'Yes he did,' the man replied.

'And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?'

'Just once,' the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, 'Why only once?'

And the man said, 'I was looking for my father.'


NEW Added on 11/15/2020


A man has a daughter of whom he is very proud.

She is 18, slim, pretty, well-spoken, intelligent and (as far as he knows)
has never had any kind of sexual intimacy with any male.

Unfortunately she does have a minor heart condition, and he worries
about her falling ill.

Imagine his horror when one day she announces that she is bringing her boyfriend
home for dinner - and worse, that she wants to get engaged to him.

The day comes, and the boyfriend turns up.

He has long tangled hair, several tattoos, a sleeveless denim jacket and
dirty jeans with holes in.

He sits on the living room floor, chewing gum and sniffing loudly.

Her father is horrified, but tries his best to engage the lad in conversation.

However, the boy is quiet and seems rather bored by the whole thing.

Eventually, the girl and her mother leave the room and it's time for a
'man-to-man' talk.

'Er, I understand you wish to marry my daughter,' says the father.

'Yeah, sort of,' replies the boyfriend.

'Do you have a job?'


'Are you looking for one?'


At this point, father becomes desperate to find an excuse to get rid of this looser
and stop him from marrying his daughter.

'Er, I don't know if you realize that my daughter has acute angina?' says the father.

'Yeah, lovely, isn't it, and her boobs are nice too.'


NEW Added on 11/14/2020


It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids.....

by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says:

' My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.

The next little boy says:

' I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.

Then one little boy says:

'My name is Jimmy and my father is a....

striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men!.

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject,

but later in the school yard at recess all the little kids ask Jimmy....

if it was really really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

He blushed and said that his Dad was really a lawyer,

but was too embarrassed to say so!


NEW Added on 11/13/2020


A Blonde was terribly overweight,

so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days,

then skip a day,

and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Blonde returned,

she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said,

"Did you follow my instructions?"

The Blonde nodded.

"I'll tell you though,

I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."


NEW Added on 11/12/2020


An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore,

as I'm over 80 years old.

I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes".


NEW Added on 11/11/2020


A man goes into a little neighborhood pub.

He sits down, and he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar.

He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him.

It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her.

They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman,

"You're really hot!"

"You're pretty cute, too," she says to him.

"I'll tell you what. I live just around the corner....

What do you think about coming up to my place?"

"It sounds great!" the man eagerly replies.

"Before we go up there, though," the woman says,

"I have to ask you one question.

Do you like doing it Greek style?"

"Well...uh...I'm not exactly sure what that is," the man answers,

"but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!"

So the two of them walk over to her apartment.

As soon as they get inside the door,

the woman rips off all her clothes.

The man can't believe his eyes.

The woman has an incredibly beautiful body.

"Now, you're *sure*," the woman asks,

"that you want to do it Greek style?"

"Definitely!" the man replies.

"All right, then," says the woman.

"Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees."

He leaps out of his clothes....

and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees.

The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man.

She kneels down in front of his head.

She asks him again,

"Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

"Yeah! Yeah!" says the man.

The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits,

getting him in a lock hold.

He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest.

One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts.

"Yeah!" he mumbles,"Greek style!"

The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out,

"OK Spiros, he's ready now !"


NEW Added on 11/10/2020


A college professor always starts his class with a dirty joke.

After one particularly vulgar story, all the women decide to leave the next time
he starts telling a joke.

The next day the Professor comes into the class and says,

"Did you hear about the shortage of prostitutes in India?"

With that all the women got to their feet and headed toward the door.

"Wait," cried the Professor, "the boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"


NEW Added on 11/9/2020


Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they
have sex in the dark.

Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening,
she flipped on the lamp only to discover a cucumber in his hand.

"Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 10 years?" she exclaimed.

"Honey! Let me explain!" he replied.

"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent SOB"

"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted,

"Maybe you'd care to explain our 2 kids!"


NEW Added on 11/8/2020

Q & A

Q. Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia?

A. The Tooth Fairy.


NEW Added on 11/7/2020


This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed....

but the old woman lays on the floor.

The old man asks,

"Why are you going to sleep on the floor?"

The old woman says,

"Because I want to feel something hard for a change."


NEW Added on 11/6/2020


Once upon a time, there were three little pigs.

The first little pig walked into a bar. 'Give me two beers.'

When he was done he asked, 'Where's the bathroom?'

'Down the hall and to the left,' replied the bartender.

The second little pig walked into the bar and asked,

'How many beers did my brother have?'


'Then I'll have four.'

When he was done he asked, 'Where's the bathroom?'

'Down the hall and to the left,' replied the bartender.

The third little pig walked into the bar and asked,

'How many beers did my brother have?'


'Then I'll have six.'

When he was done he started eating the peanuts on the bar.

The bartender asked, 'Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?'

'No,' said the little pig.

'I'm the little pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home.


NEW Added on 11/5/2020


An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest,

"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren.

I started taking this new Viagra pill,

and last night I had an affair....

and made love to two 18-year-old girls.

Both of them. Twice.

The priest said:

"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"


I'm telling everybody!"


NEW Added on 11/4/2020


From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco

and it was intensified by the fact that the guy was too insensitive

and ego-ridden to realize it.

The moment of truth came in the supper club....

as he clutched the girl's thigh and whispered,

"Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you eight inches?"

There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said,

"You know, I really don't think you could get it up four times in a row!"


NEW Added on 11/3/2020


A drunk who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,

and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked,

"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women....

too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.

How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father.

I was just reading here that the Pope does."


NEW Added on 11/2/2020


There is a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a Blonde woman
on board.

The control center in the US calls:

'Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen.'

He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1,

increase the temperature in engine 4

and to release oxygen to the reactors.

So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

A few moments later the control center calls again:

'Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the television screen.'

He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4,

to stop the fuel injection to engine 3,

to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyze the solar radiation.

So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen

and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again:

Blonde woman, please Blonde woman, approach the screen.'

She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says.....

'I know I know!!

Feed the monkeys, don't touch anything.'


NEW Added on 11/1/2020


Q: Why did God create Blondes?

A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q: Why did God create Brunettes?

A: Neither could the Blondes.