"You know what?" says the 6-year-old.
"I think it's about time we start cussing."
The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6-year-old continues.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say "hell" and you say "ass."
"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast.
"Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs
crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step.
The mom locks him in his room & shouts,
"You can just stay there till I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?
"I don't know," he blubbers,
"But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
SISTER MARY MARGARET
"I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey," she tells O'Flynn.
The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns.
"A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too."
"Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims.
"It's for Father O'Reilly. His constipation, you know."
O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag.
Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.
Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day.
On his way home he passes an alley.
There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret.
She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.
"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds.
"And you said it was for Father O'Reilly's constipation."
"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret.
"When he sees me, he's gonna crap!"
THE GREEDY WIFE
A week later Dianne agrees to marry him.
After just a couple of weeks....
the man notices that Dianne is beginning to ignore him.
When they do make love she is indifferent or calls out other men's names.
When they go out on the town she flirts with other men.
Finally the husband has had enough and confronts her.
"Dianne...is the only reason you married me because....
my grandfather left me 10 million dollars?"
"Don't be silly," she says,
" It doesn't matter to me who left it."
during the early days of post-WWII.......
only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit.
As he walked the length of the train.....
he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats.
A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog.
The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint......
but she pointedly ignored him.
"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke,
"Is this your dog?
would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"
The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent,
"oh! You Americans. You are so rude.
Fluffy is in that seat, and I see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."
The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog...leaned over......
opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out.
The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation,
and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.
"You Americans", he said,
"You drive on the wrong side of the road.......
you eat with the wrong fork...
and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window"
NINE POINTS TO PONDER
Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart.
If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.
...and as someone recently said to me:
Don't worry About old age;
it doesn't last that long.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body,
so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad.
Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over,
and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer took a look at him and said,
"Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said,
"No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked,
"How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes.
Every time we went to town, folks would say.........
'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'
POKER ITALIAN STYLE
when Guido loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks,
So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Ben picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"
So, Ben goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Ben declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him."*
(and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend.
(who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. I just want to be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with).
Bubba said: 'Shingles.'
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.'
So she wrote down his height, weight,
a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles..'
So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram,
and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in.....
and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.'
The doctor asked, 'Where?'
'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
THE UNION BROTHEL
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madam.
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street
in search of a more equitable shop.
At the second one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madam.
"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again.
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the Madame said,
"Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned.
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said.
He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead.
"I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir,"
said the Madame while gesturing to a grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner,
"But Ethel here has seniority."
He doesn't seem to be breathing.
The other whips out his mobile phone and calls 911 emergency.
He gasps out to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says:
'Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead.'
There is silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: 'OK, now what?'
A GOOD EXCUSE
when he suddenly saw flashing red lights behind him.
'There's no way they can catch a BMW,' he thought to himself and sped up even more.
Then the reality of the situation hit him, 'What the hell am I doing?'
he thought and pulled over.
The traffic cop came up to him, took his driving license without a word, and examined it and the car.
'It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th.
I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your speeding
that I haven't heard before, you can go.'
The man thinks for a second and says,
'Last week my wife ran off with a policeman.
I was afraid you were trying to give her back.'
'Have a nice weekend,' said the officer.
"Doc, I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"
After a complete examination, the doctor tells him,
"Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged.
There's really nothing we can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment."
Bob asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"
"Well," the doctor says,
"What we should do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."
Bob thinks about it silently and says,
"Well, the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."
A few weeks after the operation,
Bob was given the green light to use his improved equipment.
He planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend....
and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
In the middle of dinner, he felt a stirring between his legs......
it continued to the point of being uncomfortable.
To release the pressure,
Bob unzipped his fly.
His penis immediately sprang from his pants....
went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and returned to his pants.
His girlfriend was stunned at first and then said with a sly smile,
"That was incredible!
Can you do that again?"
"Well I guess so......
but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass".
THE GOLF COURSE
He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday.
George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late.
Wait for me."
The following Sunday George showed up right on time.
Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.
They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30.
George again said,
"Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late.
Wait for me."
The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot.
This time he played right-handed and beat them again.
"Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked.
George said, "Sure if I'm ten minutes late..."
Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute...
You always say you may be ten minutes late.
But you're always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."
George said, "Well, that's true - I'm superstitious.
If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side,
I play right-handed.
If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."
"What if she's lying on her back?"
"That's when I'm ten minutes late!"
THE GOOD SAMARITAN
As Bob is standing there taking care of business,
he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.
Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK"
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps......
with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs and reeks something awful.
Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and bob points it for him.
Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says,
"I don't know, but I AIN'T TOUCHING IT... "
He saw a 600 pound Gorilla sitting in his tree.
He telephoned the Zoo to capture the Gorilla,
and shortly a Zoo Keeper arrived with a stick, a pair of hand cuffs,
a tiny Chihuahua, and a shotgun.
"Now listen carefully", he told the homeowner.
"I am going to climb the tree, and poke the Gorilla with this stick,
until he jumps to the ground.
My trained Chihuahua will go right for the Gorilla's testicles,
and when the Gorilla crosses his hands over his testicles to protect himself,
you slap on the hand cuffs without delay."
"OK... got it," the homeowner replied.
"But what is the shotgun for?"
The Zoo Keeper says
"If I should fall out of the tree before the Gorilla...
SHOOT the Chihuahua!!!"
MY FIRST TIME
The moon was high
All alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what she wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing my hands on her breast.
I remember my fear my fast beating heart
But slowly she spread her legs apart
And when I did it I felt no shame .
All at once the white stuff came
At last it's finished it's all over now
My first time ever at milking a cow.....
"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree,"
sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually....
gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse,
emerged with a shotgun, and shot the turkey right out of the tree.
The Moral of the Story:
Bullshit might get you to the top.....
but it won't keep you there.
A. They already have boyfriends.
19th Anniversary SEPTEMBER 11th
It's hard to believe that 19 years ago today my phone rang at 8am.................
Don't ever forget SEPTEMBER 11, 2001!
"What are Politics?"
"Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the head of the family, so they call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so call her Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People.
The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
Your little baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now think about it and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he heard his little brother crying,
so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room and finds the door locked.
He peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father,
"Dad I think I understand the concept of Politics now."
The father says,
"Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies,
"The President is screwing the Working Class.....
while the Government is sound asleep....
The People are being ignored.....
and The Future is in Deep Shit."
So she decided to go to the richer part of town and try to get a job as a handywoman.
She rang the doorbell at the first house she came to, and a man answered the door.
She asked if there were any odd jobs she could do, and he replied,
"Well, actually, we need the porch painted-how much do you want?"
The Blonde said she felt $50 was fair.
He replied, "OK, the ladders, paint, and other tools you need are in the garage."
When the man closed the door, his wife, who had overheard the conversation asked him, "$50?!?
Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She must have, she was standing right on it."
About 45 minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the man is surprised to find the Blonde there.
She tells him that she's done, and states that she even had enough paint to do two coats.
As the man is reaching into his wallet to pay her, the Blonde says,
"Oh, and by the way, that isn't a Porsche........
it's a Ferrari."
a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22mph.
He thinks to himself,
'This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!'
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car...
he notices that there are five old ladies -
two in the front seat and three in the back....
eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
'Officer, I don't understand,
I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?'
'Ma'am,' the officer replies,
'You weren't speeding....
but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit....
can also be a danger to other drivers.'
'Slower than the speed limit?' she asked.
\ I was doing the speed limit exactly...
22 miles an hour,'
the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer,
trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that....
'22' was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed,
the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
'But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...
Is everyone in this car ok?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep
this whole time,' the officer asks.
'Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer,' she says.
'We just got off Route 119!'
THE LAWYER AND THE DRUNK
and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk....
who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand.
The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light....
slurring "Well, it looks like plastic."
Then he rolled it between his fingers,adding....
"But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the lawyer asked,
"What do you have there mister?"
The drunk stammered,
"Damn if I know....
but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
The lawyer said,"Let me take a look."
And the drunk handed it over.
The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers....
then examined it closely.
"Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber....
but I don't know what it is.
Where did you get it anyway?"
The drunk replied....
"Outa my nose."
A cab driver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there.
When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it.
He knocked and the panel slid open.
A female voice asked what he wanted.
"I want to get screwed," said the man.
"OK, but this is a private club.
Slide fifty bucks in the slot as an initiation fee," answered the voice.
The man slid fifty dollars in the slot, the panel closed, and ten minutes passed.
He began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open.
"Hey," exclaimed the man....
"I want to get screwed!"
"What?" said the voice....
THE THREE STAGES OF SEX
The First Stage is when you first get married, this is called "Whole House Sex."
This is when you have sex anywhere in the house.
The Second Stage is when you are married for a while and have a few children.
This is called "Bedroom Sex."
This is when you only have sex in the bedroom.
The Third Stage is when you have been married for several years....
and you know each other inside and out.
This is called "Hallway Sex"
This is when you pass each other in the hallway and say....
as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment,
the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Susan, tell me -
do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl,
"I do happen to have a foot fetish -
but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
A: Wave to her.
THE NUDE BEACH
As the boy walked along the beach,
he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's,
and asked her why.
She told Little Johnny,
"The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Little Johnny, pleased with the answer,
goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men
have larger weiners than his dad.
His mother replied,
"The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly tells his mother,
"Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach....
and the longer he talks....
the dumber he gets."
THE DOCTORS OFFICE
'Well, I've have both good news and bad news'.
'Start with the bad news',
the patient said.
'You have about 2 days to live', the Doctor answered.
'Oh My God!!!', the patient shouted.
'What's the good news?'.
'See my new hot receptionist.......
I'm banging her'.