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July 2020

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NEW Added on 7/31/2020

Making Money

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,

'Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression.

I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple.

I spent the entire day polishing the apple and....

at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

'The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.

I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.

I continued this system for a month,

by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

'Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.'


NEW Added on 7/30/2020

Another Fight

Walking into the bar, Harry said to the bartender,

"Pour me a stiff one, Eddie, I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" asked Eddie. "And how'd this one end?"

"When it was over, "Harry replied,

"She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really?" Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said.....

"Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel."


NEW Added on 7/29/2020


A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

'Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.'

'ONE CENT - that's awesome!' exclaimed the guy.

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks

'Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?'

'Certainly, sir, 'replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money.'

How much money?' inquires the guy.

'4 cents,' replies the bartender.

'FOUR cents!' exclaims the guy.

'Where's the Guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replies, 'Upstairs with my wife.'

The guy says, 'What's he doing with your wife?'

The bartender replies...

'Same as I'm doing to his business!'


NEW Added on 7/28/2020

22 Reasons Not To Have Kids

For those who already have children past age 10, this is hilarious.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan......

.... the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing....

.....Batman underwear and a Superman cape.

.....It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

....When using the ceiling fan as a bat, have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

.....A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though....

...... a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's can pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool,

..... you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though....

....TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

18. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

19. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

20. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.......

...... Plastic toys do not like ovens.

21. The fire department in Austin (Texas) has a 5 minute response time.

22. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

.....It will, however, make cats dizzy.....

..... and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.


NEW Added on 7/27/2020


Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife,

and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,

'You died in your sleep, Ralph..'

Ralph was stunned.

'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back,

and that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home..

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past.

'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside.

Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.

'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster .

'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg , he felt a smack on the back of his head.....

and heard his wife yell.....

"Ralph! Wake up.

You just crapped in the bed!"


NEW Added on 7/26/2020


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died.

Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,

Father, my dog is dead, Could ya' be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?

Father Patrick replied, I'm afraid not.

We cannot have services for an animal in the church.

But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.

Maybe they'll do something for the creature.

Muldoon said, I'll go right away Father.

Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?

Father Patrick exclaimed, Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!

Why didn't ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?


NEW Added on 7/25/2020


An elderly man went to his doctor and said,

Doc, I think I'm getting senile.

Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.

That's not senility, replied the doctor.

Senility is when you forget to zip down.


NEW Added on 7/24/2020


A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,

I almost had an affair with another woman.

The priest asked, What do you mean, almost?

The Irishman said, Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.

The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,

I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!

The Irishman replied, Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box,

and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!


NEW Added on 7/23/2020


Q: What does a Blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?

A: She picks up her purse and goes home.


NEW Added on 7/22/2020


After thirty-five years of marriage,

Bernie is lying on his deathbed

and with a tear in his eye he says....

"Annabel before I die I have to tell you something".

She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?"

He starts,"The first year we were together....

I caught pneumonia and almost died.

You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health."

To which the wife nods her head and he continues,

"When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash....

it was you by my side who kept me going.

When our kids grew up and ran away from home....

you sat with me and comforted me!

And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store,

you were right by my side the whole time.

Annabel You've been through everything with me." Bernie says,

"So before I die I just want you to know you're a godam jinx!"


NEW Added on 7/21/2020


An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancientman and asks how old he is.

'I'm 95 years old, he says.

'95? replied the woman. Don't you realize that you've had it?

Oh, sorry, says the old man. How much do I owe you?


NEW Added on 7/20/2020


A Blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening.

The redhead bets the Blonde $50 that the guy in the lead story,

who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump.

"I'll take that bet," the Blonde replied.

A few minutes later, the newscaster reports that the guy had,

indeed, jumped from the building.

The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident...

turns to the Blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50.

"No, a bet's a bet," the Blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars."

The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies....

"No, you don't understand,

I saw the 5:00 early edition....

so I knew how it was going to turn out."

"That's okay," the Blonde replies,

"I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."


NEW Added on 7/19/2020


A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house.

She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house.....

She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work,'

the daughter-in-law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'My husband loves me to wear this dress!

It makes him happy and it makes me happy.

I would appreciate it if you would leave....

he will be home from work any minute.'

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.

On the way home she thought about the love dress.

When she got home she got undressed, showered......

put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.

Finally her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she replied.

Husband: 'Needs ironing!'


NEW Added on 7/18/2020


A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.

Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him....

that he had some good news and some bad news.

"The good news," he explained,

"is that your fiancée has an particular strain of gonorrhea

that I have only heard of once before."

The guy paled.

"If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"

"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is

that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."


NEW Added on 7/17/2020


A guy is hiking up a mountain....

when he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying.

"Hey," he says, "if you're going to jump,

how about giving me a little head before you do it?"

"My life's been nothing but crap," says the girl.

"So I might as well."

After the girl's done, the guy says,

"Wow, that was great!

Why are you so depressed, anyway?"

The girl replies,

"My family disowned me for dressing like a woman."


NEW Added on 7/16/2020


One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed....

doing what girls and wooden boys do.

Later, as they were cuddling,

Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend.

So he asked her, "What's the matter, baby?"

Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied,

"You're probably the best guy I've ever met,

but every time we make love, you give me splinters."

This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal,

so the next day he went to seek some advice from his creator, Gepetto.

When Pinocchio arrived,

Gepetto could tell something was bothering him,

and asked him what was the matter.

As Pinocchio revealed his dilemma,

Gepetto searched up and down for a solution.

Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to....

"smooth" out Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend.

Pinocchio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while....

and therefore assumed that the sandpaper....

had solved all of Pinocchio's problems.

A couple weeks later,

Gepetto was in town when he ran into Pinocchio.

When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock,

Gepetto remarked,

"So Pinocchio, things must be going pretty good with the girls."

To which Pinocchio replied,



NEW Added on 7/15/2020


One night a burglar is trying to break into a house.

He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice -

"Jesus is watching you!"

He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything.

So he starts creeping across the lawn again. -

"Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again.

So now the burglar is really looking around,

and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house.

He says to the parrot,

"Did you say that?"

The parrot answers "Yes I did".

So the burglar says , "What's your name"?

The parrot says "Clarence."

The burglar says

"What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?"

The parrot laughs and says,

"The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus'"


NEW Added on 7/14/2020


There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.

Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings,

a man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:


'Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?'


'Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are.

I saw a beautiful mink coat.

It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?'

'What's the price?'

'Only $1,500.00'

'Well, OK, go ahead if you like it that much...'

'Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models.

I saw one I really liked.

I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price and

since we need to trade in the BMW that we bought last year.'

'What price did he quote you?'

'Only $80,000...'

'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

'Great!, before we hang up, something else.'


'It might sound like a lot,

but I was reconciling your bank account and....

I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and....

I saw the house we had looked at last year - it's been reduced!

Remember? The one with the pool, Tennis Court, beach front property...'

'How much are they asking?'

'Only $1,500,000.

A magnificent price and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it!'

'Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just offer $1,400,000. OK?'

'OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!'

'Bye, I love you, too!'

The man hangs up,

and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present.

'Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?'


NEW Added on 7/13/2020


A duck walks into a bar and asks 'got any crackers?' the bartender says no.

Duck walks out.

Duck walks in the next day and asks, 'got any crackers?' the bartender says no.

Duck walks out.

Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers?

Bar tender says,

'I told you yesterday and the day before yesterday, NO!

and if you ask that one more time Ill nail your beak shut!'

Duck walks out.

Duck comes back the next day and asks,

'got any nails?' the bartender says no.

Duck says 'good.

Got any crackers?'


NEW Added on 7/12/2020


A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as former President Bush

appeared on the television...

After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled,

"Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer,

former Vice President Cheney appeared on the television.

"He's a horse's ass too," said the man.

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up,

walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.

"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar.

"This must be Bush country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied.

"Horse country!"


NEW Added on 7/11/2020


Father O'Malley answers the phone.

Hello, is this Father O'Malley?

'It is!

This is the IRS. Can you help us?

I can!

Do you know a Ted Houlihan?

I do!

Is he a member of your congregation?

He is!

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?

He will.


NEW Added on 7/10/2020


The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading.

He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes.

Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students,

"Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude.....

and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..."

A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered,

"I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."


NEW Added on 7/9/2020


Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes,

and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"To My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"To My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

"To My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"To Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away,

the nurse says,

"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies,

"Property ? .... the asshole had a paper route!"


NEW Added on 7/8/2020


Three women are out shopping at an antique shop.

They stumble upon an unusual lamp.

A voice heard from a genie within the lamp begs to be set free....

in return for granting each of them a wish.

Now one of the women just doesn't believe it, and says:

"Ok, if you can really grant wishes, than double my I.Q."

The genie says: "Done."

Suddenly, the woman starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly.

. The second woman is so amazed she says to the genie :

"Triple my I.Q." The genie says: "Done."

The woman starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems....

that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

The last woman is so enthralled with the changes in her friends, that she says to the genie:

"Quintuple my I.Q."

The genie looks at her and says:

"You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish,

but I really wish you'd reconsider."

The woman says:

"Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five,

and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," says the genie

"You don't know what you're asking...

it'll change your entire view on the universe...

won't you ask for something else.

.. a million dollars, anything?"

But no matter what the genie said,

the woman insisted on having her I.Q. increased by five times.

So the genie sighed and said: "Done."

And she became a man.


NEW Added on 7/7/2020


Donald Rumsfeld was giving Bush his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying:

"Yesterday......3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" Bush exclaims.

"That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion.........

nervously watching as the President sits, his head in his hands.

Finally, Bush looks up and asks,

"How many is a brazillion?"


NEW Added on 7/6/2020


John died and arrived in Hell.

He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder, gentler, more customer friendly Hell,
each person is offered three choices of torture.

The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1,000-year cycles
and you could pick which cycle to begin with.

The Devil took John to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet
and was being whipped with chains.

John said he did not think that was where he wanted to start.

They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms
and was being whipped by a cat-o'-nine-tails.

John also declined this form of torture.

The third room had a old man strapped to the wall naked,
and a very beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him.

John told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted.

The Devil said, 'Are you sure? It lasts for a thousand years!'

John assured him this was the punishment he wanted.

So the Devil walked over to the young blonde woman and said...

'You can go now, I've found your replacement.'


NEW Added on 7/5/2020


An 1st grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living

"Tim, you be first," she said.

"What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She is a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said,

"My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.

"What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced,

"My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.

Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.

Billy's father answered the door.

The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said,

"I'm actually a lawyer.......

But how can I explain a thing like that to a six-year-old?"


NEW Added on 7/4/2020


A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey.

He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.

The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks:

'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.

'But of course', the man answers,

'he can even gratify a woman'.

Anxious to know more.....

the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar.

She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.

The dog looks at her and does nothing.......

The man then shouts to the dog......

Again, The dog looks at her and does nothing.......

'OK, Just ONE more time.....

let me show you how it's done".


NEW Added on 7/3/2020


I know you, don't I?

Uh, yes sir.

All right, tell me, how do I know you?

Judge, do I have to tell you?

Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.

Okay. I was your bookie.


NEW Added on 7/2/2020


In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl.

The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes,

"If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my sexy legs."

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her beautiful sexy legs.

Then she says,

"If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my creamy white thighs,"

they all pull out a ten dollar bill.

The girl pulls up her dress all the way to the top of her creamy white thighs,

exposing her flimsy white panties.

Then the young girl says,

"If you each give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.

" All three fork over the money.

The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing.

"See there in the distance.

That's the hospital where I had it done!"


NEW Added on 7/1/2020


At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman.

Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night

they should have separate bedrooms.

She is concerned that Morris could overexert himself.

After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action.

They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and

she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action.

Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which

the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep, for the second time when

there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they make love.

As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him,

"I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it three times.

I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time.

You're a great lover Morris."

Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says,

"I was here already?"