 THE DUCKSWhen they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the Ducks!' So, they enter Heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman.' The next day, the second guy accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as the first guy. The third guy has observed all this and..... not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any duck. One day, St. Peter comes up to him.... with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on, a very tall, tanned, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?' She replies, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DENTIST OFFICEThe wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, show me which tooth it is. The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE GOOD LAWYEROne afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you. The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high." C'mon ...did you really think there was such a thing as a heart warming lawyer story??? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUNK1/2 Pint of Milk, 1 Carton of Eggs, 1 Bottle of Orange Juice, 1 lb. Pack of Bacon. As she was unloading her items to check out.... a drunk standing behind her watched.... as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "you must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her items and saw nothing unusual.... that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied.... "cause you're ugly." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CAMPING TRIPEarly in the morning, while Jim is still sleeping, a snake bites his penis! He panics, and John panics. "What can we do?" After talking it over, they decide that Jim should stay where he is, and Johnny should go for help. So Johnny goes into town to the local doctors office. "Doctor, My friend is bitten by a snake. What do we do?" "What kind of snake was it?" "It was about three feet long, sort of green and yellow." "Whoa boy. Those are very dangerous!" "What can we do?" "The only thing you can do is suck the poison out.... Otherwise your friend will die!" So Johnny goes back to his friend and starts packing up his gear. Jim says, "Well, what did the doctor say?" Johnny says, "You're going to die." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BOY AND GIRLdoing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier but....... I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver.... and the fare back to town is $25." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRINKER'What'll you have?' The guy answers, 'A scotch, please.' The bartender hands him the drink, and says, 'That'll be five dollars,' to which the guy replies, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.' A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation.... then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer.... which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.' The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.' The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!' The guy says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!' The bartender replies, 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.' To which the guy replies, 'Thank you.... Make it a scotch.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE POPEwhen he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pope. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out off his bag.... and began working on it. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance. Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman.... that ends in 'unt'? The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description.... and he was not about to say it to the Pope. The gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOCTORS ASSISTANT(Thanks to Ben in Dallas) A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver... and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read: "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination." "The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana ." "Good grief; is that where the job is?" "No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DIVERT YOUR COURSE!!ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DONNY & BOBthere were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Donny and the other was Bob. Donny had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Bob had no success. Bob: "Donny! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?" Donny: "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret..... just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public." Bob: "OK. It's a deal." Donny: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach.... I take one and put it in my Speedos bathing suit. When the women see it they come running from miles around." Bob: "That's it? I can do that." The next day.... Bob went over to the produce stand.... and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedos. As he walked out onto the beach.... he noticed that women AND men began to take notice of him. "It's working, he thought." But soon he began to realize that.... they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him. He rushed over to Donny and asked, "Donny, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?" Donny: "Because you're supposed to put the potato in the front." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CHAMPAGNEnotices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He tells the waiter to send over the most expensive bottle of champagne.... knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl.... saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle.... you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in liquid assets, and 8 inches in your pants." Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes and a Ferrari in my garage... I have well over $Ten million in assets, but I have no intention of cutting off TWO inches! Send the bottle back." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THREE GENERATIONSA 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said.......... "Did I say he wanted to?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 24 HOURS TO LIVEA man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees. They make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees, they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only eight hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder, asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.' She says, 'Of course, dear.' They make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to four more hours. He taps his wife, who awakes. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could . . . .' At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CATHOLIC LADIESThe first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace." The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her tea in silence........ the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?" So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 3", Chippendales dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOPEYwhen Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him." The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!" The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?" Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Antarctica?" The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Antarctica." The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!" The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, midget black nuns in Antarctica?" The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Antarctica." At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE COWBOYUnfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna have to do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said............ "I had to walk home." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEN About WOMEN-POLITICALLY CORRECTShe is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE." 2 . She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN About MEN - POLITICALLY CORRECTHe has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY." 2.. He is not a "BAD DANCER" He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN." 3.. He is not "BALDING" He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION." 4.. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS." 5.. He is not "HORNY" He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MIDGEThe wanted to have some fun.... but none of the girls wanted to take him upstairs. So they drew straws. Suzy was the unlucky girl who got the longest straw. She took the midget by the hand like a child and lead him upstairs. A few minutes passed and the other girls heard a scream. They ran upstairs to see what was the matter with Suzy. They opened the door to find Suzy passed out on the floor.... and the midget standing naked on the bed with a 3 foot long penis! The women were dumbfounded! Finally one of them said "excuse me sir, do you mind if we touch that?" The midget replied "no way. I don't want another erection!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE WEDDINGmeets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden." "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!," replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!" "Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!" "Doggy style?" "Sure! Another mitzvah!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!" "Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!" "Can we do it standing up?" "NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi. "Why not?" asks the man. "It could lead to dancing." ............ ;-) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONDOMSwhen the boy noticed the condom display. He said, "Daddy, what are those?" His father replied, "Those are condoms son and they are used for safe sex". The boy said,"oh, ok, I've heard of that in school". He noticed the three pack and said to his father, "Daddy, who uses those". His father replied, "Those are for high school boys.... one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday" Then the boy looked at the six pack and said, "Daddy, who uses those". His father replied, "Son, those are for college boys. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday". "Oh" the boy says. Then the boy looks at a big twelve pack and says, "and Daddy, who uses these". His father looks at him one last time and says, "son, those are for married men, One for January....one for February.... one for March....... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEThe cop walked up to her and asked, "Lady, why are you driving so recklessly?" The Blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go.... there's always a tree in front of me and.... I can't get away from the tree!" The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, it's your air freshener!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MALE PROSTITUTEThe Shady Lady Bordello, outside of Las Vegas, hired the first Nevada authorized Male Prostitute for women... This is his reported Hourly Price List. For: $50.00...... He will talk dirty to you. $100.00...... He will have sex with you. $500.00...... He will listen to you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CHICKEN AND THE HORSEthe horse fell into a mud hole and couldn't get out. He called out to the chicken and said 'help, help go and get the farmer I can't get out and I'm sinking in further. The chicken runs up to the farm house.... and tries to get the farmer but he isn't around. Being a quick thinking chick, she ran and got the farmer's Mercedes and drove it to the mud hole. She then tied a rope to the bumper and threw it to the horse.... and she pulled him out with the Mercedes. The horse was very grateful ! A week or so later the chicken fell into the very same mud hole. She called out to the horse and he came running she said 'Help! Go and get the farmer. I can't get out'. The horse then straddled over the mud hole.. and told the chick to hang on to the 'thingy' between his legs. She did and he managed to pull her out. The morale of the story . . . . You don't need a Mercedes to pick up a chick . . . . you just need to be hung like horse ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEA. Pregnant. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PILOTAfter it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!' Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' A passenger said, 'That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SNAIL"What the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked. "I'm a snail," the man replied. "What a load of crap!" his boss said. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?" "You've got it wrong," the man replied. "That's Michelle." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEFiremen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the Redhead is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away, we love Blondes!" "Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SEX STUDYfor married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead!!! 
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