 THE ZOOFinally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE TAXIHe gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank. Passenger: 'Who?' Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.' Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.' Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.' Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special. Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me, I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right. Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.' Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.' Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?' Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his widow. ;-) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SPICING UP THEIR SEX LIFE'For example,' he suggested, 'you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go.' The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. 'Well, okay,' the hesitant wife agreed, 'but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second...' she continued, 'you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FLUFFY TOYS EVERYWHEREShe still lived with her parents, but they were out of town, so this was the perfect opportunity. They got back to her house and they went into her bedroom. When guy walked in the door, he noticed all sorts of fluffy toys. . There's hundreds of them; fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill - there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. Later, after they've had sex, the guy turned to her and asked, "So, how was I?" She replied, "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THREE CONVICTSThey were each allowed to take one item with them.... to help them occupy their time while stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FISHERMANwith two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' The man replied to the game warden, 'No, sir. These are my pet fish.' 'Pet fish?! the warden asked. 'Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake..... and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home.' 'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!' The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, 'Here, I'll show you. It really works.' 'O.K. I've GOT to see this!.' The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, 'Well ?' 'Well, What?' the man responded. 'When are you going to call them back?' the game warden prompted. 'Call who back?' The man asked. 'The fish.' replied the warden. 'What fish?' The man asked. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ OLD AGE'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked... She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEBlonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?" Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car. Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?" Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?" Blonde: "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE UGLY FROGwhen she looks down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she comments on the creature's rather hideous appearance. Princess: "My, but you are really an ugly frog!" Frog: "I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me." Princess: "Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you." Frog: "Look, leave me alone my dear. I told you, it's a really bad spell." Princess: "Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a prince?" Frog: "Sorry, for a spell this bad........ it will probably require a blow job." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE $10.00 VEGAS HOOKERA week later he has a severe case of crabs. He goes back to the hooker and tells her "You Gave Me Crabs"!! She answers "For a lousy $10.00 Dollars.... what did you expect, Lobster"?? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS'I've got some good news and some bad news', The Lord said. Adam looked at The Lord and said, 'Well, give me the good news first.' Smiling, The Lord explained, 'I've got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things.... and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.' Adam, very excited, exclaimed, 'These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?' The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, 'The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE NEW HOUSEan electrician for $4000.00 in new wiring, a roofer for a new $7800.00 roof, a plasterer for $3300.00 to redo all the downstairs walls and ceilings, and a carpenter for $8800.00 to replace all wood shelves and crown moldings! One afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber's truck in the driveway. "Lord," he pleaded, "Please let her be having an affair." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LITTLE OLD LADY AND THE BETShe insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, $165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What's the matter with your lawyer?" "Nothing, she replied, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the president of The Bank of Canada's balls in my hand." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CHORUS LINE'Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row... His psychiatrist interrupted, 'Hold it, Bob. That doesn't sound so terrible.' 'Oh yeah?' replied Bob, 'In the dream, I was the third girl from the end!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SATAN AND THE OLD MANthe townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church..... except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, 'Don't you know who I am?' The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.' 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man. 'Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?' asked Satan. 'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone. 'Did you know that I could cause you horrifying..... physical AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan. 'Yep,' was the calm reply. 'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan. 'Nope.' More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Well, why aren't you afraid of me?' The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for over 48 years.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SCARED STRAIGHTThe parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words.... playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming.... and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird.... and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions.... and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior". Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude.... and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHERDuring the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate.... and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,..... she started to wonder.... if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner.... I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house.... and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie.... and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom Lesson of the Day - Don't lie to your Mother. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE TEACHERshe noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned to the class, scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Finding not a guilty face in the bunch, she quickly erased the blackboard and began her class. The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in larger letters this time, the word "penis" scrolled on the blackboard. Again, she looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none. And so, the teacher erased the blackboard and proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the classroom.... and found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, scrolled larger than the previous day. Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom.... expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrolled on the blackboard: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DIFFERENCESA. 45 lbs. Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A. 45 minutes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ STILL UP IN BED"Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what's so funny? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what's going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline.... and I gave him super glue." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SUNDAY SCHOOLUsually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, " Tell me Mary, who created the universe ?". When Mary did not stir.... little Johnny, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty !" shouted Mary and the teacher said.... "Very good" Mary fell back to sleep.... A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior ?". But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again ".... Jesus Christ " shouted Mary The teacher said, "Very good ", and Mary fell back to sleep again..... Then the teacher asked Mary a third question.... " What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? " Again Johnny jabbed her with the pin.. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it off ! " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SUSANShe just had a hard time meeting men. The men she did meet all ended up being jerks. Finally, she decided to place an ad in the personals in the newspaper. She wrote: "Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is excellent in bed." Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call. Then, one day she was doing her laundry when she heard the door bell ring. She walked upstairs to answer it. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. "Can I help you?" she asked. He said, "I am the man of your dreams!" She was baffled. She said, "Excuse me." "I read your personal ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms, so I can't beat you. I have no legs, so I can never leave you." "But are you good in bed?" she asked. He replied, "How do you think I rang the door bell?!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LUIGI and ANTONIO"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where you been for the past two weeks? Nobody seen you around!" "Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail." "Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been in jail?" "Wella, Luigi," Antonio said..... "I was lying onna dis beach..... and the cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail." "But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!" Luigi countered. "Yeah, but dis beach..... she was a-screamin and a-kickin and a-yellin..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NUNS GO BACK TO EARTHHe says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want." The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and poof! she's gone. The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and poof! she's gone. The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No Sister, this says Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE POOL"The other bathers are complaining that you are peeing in the pool". Bob say's, "So what, everyone pee's in the pool". And the lifeguard say's, "Yes that's true, but not from the high diving board!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ VIAGRA NEWSViagra ingredients list has been released. Viagra is 2% aspirin.... 2% ibuprofen.... 1% filler.... and.... 95% Fix-A-Flat. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HEAVEN OR HELLHis soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven... So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell... Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning........ Today, you voted.." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A PLEASENT REPASTHe then topped it off with some rare Napoleon brandy.... then he summoned the headwaiter. 'Do you recall,' he asked pleasantly, 'how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it.... you had me thrown into the gutter like a veritable bum ?' 'I'm very sorry sir.' began the contrite headwaiter. 'Oh, it's quite all right.' said the guest, 'but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ITALIAN WEDDING NIGHTThe Italian tradition for newlyweds is.... to sleep at your mother's house on your wedding night.... and remain a virgin until you are married. After the wedding, the newlyweds went back to her mother's house. The man went up stairs and the woman stayed to talk to her mom. She said, "I don't want to go up there." Her mom said, "He's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll treat you well." When she got upstairs, the man took off his shirt. She ran back downstairs and said, "Mamma! Mamma! He has a hairy chest!" Her mom said, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and he will treat you well." When she got upstairs, he took off his pants. She ran back downstairs and said, "Mamma! Mamma! He has hairy legs!" Her mom said, "All good men have hairy legs. Go upstairs and he will treat you well." When she got upstairs he took off his socks. She noticed that half his foot was missing. She ran downstairs and said, "Mamma! Mamma! He has a foot and a half!" Her mom said, "Stay here! This is job for Mamma!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEMORIES OF BILL & HILLARYRight in front of him, he sees.... "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. He stormed into the Secret Service compound and yells, "There's a death threat on the front lawn! And it's written in urine! I want to know who did it, and I want to know NOW." The Secret Service agents scurry for the door. That evening, the chief agent approaches Clinton and says, "Mr. President, we have some bad news and some really bad news. Which do you want first?" Clinton says, "Give me the bad news first." The agent says, "Sir, we tested a sample of the urine. The results just came back. The urine belongs to Al Gore." "Oh my god," Clinton says. "I feel so ... betrayed! My own vice president! What's the *really* bad news?" "Sir, the handwriting belongs to Hillary." 
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