Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
A friend asked for the secret of their long and happy marriage.
Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, explained the wife.
We visited the Grand Canyon....
and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn`t gone too far when the mule stumbled.
My husband quietly said
We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again.
Once more he quietly said,
We hadn`t gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
My husband pulled out a revolver and shot the mule dead.
I started to protest over his killing the mule.
He looked at me and quietly said,
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
" Tell me Mary, who created the universe ?".
When Mary did not stir....
little Johnny, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty !" shouted Mary and the teacher said....
Mary fell back to sleep....
A while later the teacher asked Mary,
"Who is our Lord and Savior ?".
But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again "....
Jesus Christ " shouted Mary
The teacher said,
"Very good ",
and Mary fell back to sleep again.....
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question....
" What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? "
Again Johnny jabbed her with the pin..
This time Mary jumped up and shouted,
"If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it off ! "
She just had a hard time meeting men.
The men she did meet all ended up being jerks.
Finally, she decided to place an ad in the personals in the newspaper.
"Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is excellent in bed."
Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call.
Then, one day she was doing her laundry when she heard the door bell ring.
She walked upstairs to answer it. She opened the door
and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.
"Can I help you?" she asked.
He said, "I am the man of your dreams!"
She was baffled. She said, "Excuse me."
"I read your personal ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you.
I have no arms, so I can't beat you. I have no legs, so I can never leave you."
"But are you good in bed?" she asked.
He replied, "How do you think I rang the door bell?!"
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and after staring for a long time at
a woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her,
placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him.
He immediately apologized and explained,
"I'm sorry, I thought you were my wife.
You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.
"That's funny," he muttered,
"You even sound exactly like her."
A tidalwave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and now,
they're standing before St.Peter.
First came one of the straight guys and his wife.
St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much.
You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."
Then came the second straight guy and his wife.
"Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much,
you even married a woman named Candy!"
The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously,
"It doesn't look good, Dick."
One night he finds himself doing a gig at a nightclub in a small Arkansas town.
With his dummy on his knee,
he's going through his usual routine of dumb blonde jokes.......
when a Blonde stands on her seat and starts shouting...
'I've heard enough of your stupid Blonde jokes!
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected not only at work
but also in the entire community!
You keep us from reaching our full potential and all because of you and your kind
continuing to perpetuate discrimination against, not only us Blondes,
but women in general...
all in the name of humor!'
The ventriloquist is so embarrassed and begins to stammer out an apology,
when the Blonde yells,
'You stay out of this, mister!
I'm not talking to you!
I'm talking to that smart mouth little bastard on your knee!
SNEAKING HOME LATE
when one turns to the other and says,
"You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking,
I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.
I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house,
I sneak up the stairs,
I get undressed in the bathroom.
I ease into bed
and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says,
"Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway,
slam the door,
storm up the steps,
throw my shoes into the closet,
jump into bed,
slap her on the butt and say,
'You as horny as I am?' . . .
and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
1 . She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" .....
She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" ....
She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" ....
She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
4. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" ....
She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
5 . She does not "NAG" you....
She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
SCHWARTZ IS DEAD!!
It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated......
he made an amazing discovery:
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' said the mortician....
'I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity.'
And with that the mortician used his tools to remove the huge phallus.
The mortician stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife.
'I have something to show you that you won't believe,' he said,
He opened his briefcase.
'Oh my God!' she screamed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
1. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE".......
She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
2. She is not an "AIRHEAD"......
She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
3. She has not "BEEN AROUND"........
She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
4. She is not a "TRAMP"......
She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
that the prices this pet shop are charging seem very high.
She goes to the clerk and explains her concern.
"Well, I have a frog in the back, that I can let you have for $50,"
the clerk says.
"$50?" the woman replies.
"That seems terribly expensive for a frog.
Well, this frog is worth it.
It's been trained to give oral sex."
The woman is stunned....
but as her husband loves this sort of sex...
and she is not particularly fond of it....
she decides the frog might be a good investment.
She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband,
and explains its special value.
The husband is skeptical,
but promises he'll give the frog a try that night.
The woman goes to sleep...
happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night.
She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen.
She goes downstairs...
and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans,
and pouring over cookbooks.
"What are you doing down here?" she asks.
Her husband responds,
"If I can teach this frog to cook,
you're out of here!"
The little boy asked, "Mommy, what is that?"
She replied, "this is my washcloth."
The little boy went on his way.
One evening the woman and her husband were beginning to make love and he asked
her to do something different and shave her hair off. She agreed.
The next day the little boy walked in on his mother again but this time she didn't have any hair.
So the little boy asked with concern,
"Mommy, what happened to your washcloth?"
She replied, "I lost it."
Later that day the little boy came running up to his mom and said,
"Mommy, I found your washcloth."
She replied confused, "Where did you find it?"
He said, "The lady next door was washing Daddy's face with it!"
SAM MEETS LEON
He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Wyoming as far from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation....
he's just finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.
Your neighbor from four miles away...
Having a party Saturday...
thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam.
"After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Leon is leaving he stops,
"Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem...
after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
As he starts to leave Leon stops again.
"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people.
I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Leon turns from the door.
"I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem," says Sam,
"I've been all alone for six months!
I'll definitely be there...
by the way, what should I wear?"
Leon stops in the door again and says,
"Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
THE INDIAN PONY
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a'
so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.
"Nothing," the woman answered
"I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms round his waist,
and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
MA AND PA
Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma."
A minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."
Again, a minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma."
Another minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."
Yet another minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma."
A minute later, Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."
A couple of minutes go by, and Pa says to Ma,
"I don't know about you Ma.....
but I just don't get too much out of this oral sex stuff!"
Grandma Buys a Bumper Sticker
The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a
"Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did.
What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed.
That bumper sticker really worked!
I found lots of people who love Jesus.
Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy.
He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled,
"Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could.
Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"!
Everyone else started honking too....
so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people.
There must have been a guy from Florida back there....
because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach....
and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant.
They kind of squirmed, looked at each other....
giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign.
So I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that....
they got out of their cars and were walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed,
and I stepped on the gas.
It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection.
I looked back at them standing there.
I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile,
and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love ya all,
Sister Maryellen enters the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery.
You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.’
Sister Maryellen lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her,
'Sister Maryellen, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'
Sister Maryellen said, 'Hard bed.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said. 'We will get you a better bed.'
After another 5 years, Sister Maryellen was summoned by the Priest.
'You may say another two words, Sister Maryellen.'
'Cold food,' said Sister Maryellen, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Maryellen in to his office.
'You may say two words today.’
'I quit,' said Sister Maryellen.
'It's probably best,' said the Priest,
'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'
YANKEES & METS FANS
"Wanna hear a joke about Mets fans?"
The guy next to him replied,
"Well before you tell that joke you should know something.
I'm six feet tall and 220 pounds, and I'm a Mets fan.
The guy sitting next to me is six-four, 260 pounds, and he's a Mets fan,
and the guy sitting next to him is six-six, 280 pounds, and he's a Mets fan too.
Now, do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The Yankee fan said,
Not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."
He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal....
I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.
Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He will then open his mouth and I will remove my genitals unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar......
dropped his trousers......
and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After one minute......
the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals.......
unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A woman timidly spoke up.
but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
THE DRESSER DRAWER
and the groom asks his bride....
if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open.
The bride agrees.
After 30 years of marriage....
she notices that his drawer has been left open.
She peeks inside and sees 2 golf balls and $1,000.
She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation.
"Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer."
She figures 2 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks....
"But what about the $1,000?"
"Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"
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