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Dec 2019

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NEW Added on 12/31/2018



Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert,

some folks, new to boating, were having a problem.

No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going.

It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina,

thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.

The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down,

and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.

He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.


Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer


NEW Added on 12/30/2019


Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.

One says, 'It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26!

What kind of a wedding is that?'

The other says, 'Well, we have a name for it in my family.'

'What do you call it?'

'We call it a football wedding.'

The first asks, 'What's a football wedding?'

The other says, 'She's waiting for him to kick off!'


NEW Added on 12/29/2019


A man is crying in the basement.

In comes his wife.


He replies,

"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were 16?"


"He said I could marry you or do 20 years in prison."


He wept,

"Today is the day I would have gotten out!"


NEW Added on 12/28/2019


A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and

build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English,

so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief,

"This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says,

"This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of Heavy sexual activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds,

"Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe

how to be civilized and kind to each other....

so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."


NEW Added on 12/27/2019


A guy spent the day walking around town looking for a job.

He finally walked into an adult store.

"Do you have any work for me?" he asked the owner.

The owner smiled and responded,

"You come as if you have been sent from heaven.

I just opened another store and I need for someone to mind this store for me."

"When do I start?" the guy asked.

"Now. I'm leaving for the other store shortly."

The owner explained all the ins and outs and then left.

First to enter the store was a Caucasian woman.

She walked around and stopped at the dildo rack.

"How much for the white dildo?"

"Forty dollars," he said.

"How much for the black dildo?"

"Forty dollars."

"Give me the . . . uh, black one.

I've never had a black one before." She paid and left.

Soon an African-American woman walked in.

She too walked around and stopped at the dildo rack.

"How much for the black dildo?" she asked.

"Forty dollars."

"How much for the white dildo?"

"Forty dollars."

After thinking a moment, the woman said, "Give me the . . . uh, white one.

I've never had a white one before." She paid and left.

Then a Blonde woman walked in.

She walked around and stopped at the dildo rack.

"How much for the white dildo?" she asked.

"Forty dollars."

"How much for the black dildo?"

"Forty dollars."

"And how much for the checkered one on your counter there?"

"Two hundred dollars."

"Give me . . . uh, the checkered one.

I've never had a checkered one before." She paid and left.

Closing time came around and the owner returned.

"How was your first day?"

"Great!" the guy responded.

"I sold a white and a black dildo for forty bucks each,

and I sold your thermos for two hundred."


NEW Added on 12/26/2019

"Santas Pickup Lines"

1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

2. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!

3. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

4. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!

5. Some of my best toys run on batteries.

6. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)

7. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?

8. Forget the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!

9. Wanna join My "Mile High" club?

Alex and The Most Beautiful Women in the World,


NEW Added on 12/25/2019


Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.

No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no damn reindeer, and no stupid clatter.

There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, my Hewlet Packard and me.

I won't race to the window, I'll have no ecstasy.
I'll just sit right here... with Windows XP.

There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.

I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.

As I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.

A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And asked, if I might like to chat for a while.

She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.

She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.

She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.

He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So, she thought she'd use it, "I guess it's all right."

She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How, she was expected to be a good wife.

She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because, she was forced, to do such silly deeds.

She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me...... she was oversexed.

She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
He's always too busy, and getting too old.

Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her, to have cyber-sex.

I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got *really* good.

After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.

She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.

She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.

She said, only.... on this night, she could be found.
It is only.... this night, her husband leaves town.

She said bye, and signed off... And, I had to pause.
I think I just cybered... with *Mrs.* Santa Claus!!!!

Alex and The Most Beautiful Women in the World,


NEW Added on 12/24/2019


'Twas the night before christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin,
Cause I had a gun under da pilla.

When up on da roof,
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window and yelled,
"Yo!, Keep it down."

When what to my wonderin'
eyes should appear,
But the Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer.

Wit' slicked back hair,
and a red silk suit,
Don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought all da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a wack 'side dare heads,
He shouted and swore,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Artie, Yo Manny,
Yo Benedict,and Tom;
Hay Stevie, Hay StuDog
Hay Freddy and Dom"

As I pulled out my gun,
And hid by da bed,
He flew in'da window,
And smacked me in'da head!

"What da hell you doin',
Pullin' a gun on da Don?"
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin moron!"

Den shovin' his finga,
Right under my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he gave dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did not expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"


NEW Added on 12/23/2019


It had been a very stressful Christmas Eve for Santa.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainees couldn't do the work right.

Then Mrs. Claus said that her mother was coming for a visit,

stressing Santa even more.

When he checked on his reindeer.

Three were about to give birth, and two had run off to who knows where.

Santa then decided to get coffee and a shot of whiskey.

But the elves had hit the liquor cabinet and emptied it.

Then the doorbell rang, and Santa cussed under his breath on the way to the door.

There was this little angel carrying a big Christmas tree.

She asked,

"Hey fat man, where would you like me to put this tree?"

And that is the story of how the little angel got to be on top of the Christmas tree.


NEW Added on 12/22/2019


A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says,

"I hate to ruin your day,

but I have to tell you that your Mom and I are divorcing;

forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,

so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,

" She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,

"You are NOT getting divorced.

Don't do a single thing until I get there.

I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.

Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay," he says,

"the kids are coming for Christmas and paying their own way."


NEW Added on 12/21/2019


It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to go to the zoo.

They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage......

and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your breast's," he said.

"Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined.

But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra.

The gorilla went nuts.

He started grunting and jumping up and down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind.

Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."

Again she said no and again he persuaded her.

This time the ape really went bananas!

He climbed up and down the bars........

ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his naked wife in.

"Now," said the husband,

"tell that sonofabitch you have a headache!"


NEW Added on 12/20/2019


An Illinois man who left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.

His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address,

he did his best to type it from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife....

whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor,

let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in.

Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.


NEW Added on 12/19/2019


Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired.

"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said........

"Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You said it,.....

for the whole back nine it was....

hit the ball, drag Harry.....

hit the ball, drag Harry."


NEW Added on 12/18/2019


A drunk leaves a bar.....

hoping he can get home early enough not to anger his wife for getting drunk after work.

He sneeks in, and spies his boss in bed with his wife.

Later, back at the bar, the drunk tells the bartender the story,

"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"

"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hi-tailed it back here.

They were just getting started....

so I figure I got time for a couple more beers."


NEW Added on 12/17/2019


Paul was walking through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop

and sit at a Palm Reader's table.

Said the mysterious old woman,

"For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said,

"I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted.

"That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses."


NEW Added on 12/16/2019


A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire,

go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks,

an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe,

an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin,

decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . .. . .

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Kevin’s whore."


NEW Added on 12/15/2019


Two Rednecks purchased a bird dog.

They took the dog out to give it a try.

After a long while one Redneck said to the other,

"Well, we'll throw him up in the air one more time.

If he doesn't fly, we'll shoot the son of a bitch!"


NEW Added on 12/14/2019

Note: Dean Martin's Favorite Joke

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender asks him "What'll it be?"

The grasshopper says "I don't care".

The bartender says...

"Did you know that we have a drink named after you."

The grasshopper looks up at the bartender as says...

"You have a drink named Irving?"


NEW Added on 12/13/2019


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,

and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drinks

as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, ' She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split 20 years ago,

and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife,

'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's how the fight started.....


NEW Added on 12/12/2019


The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

President Trump decides to give them a test.

He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in.

They place animal informants throughout the forest.

They question all plant and mineral witnesses.

After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.

After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it,

including the rabbit and they make no apologies.

The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.

They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.

The bear is yelling:

"Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."


NEW Added on 12/11/2019


A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch.

The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.

"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."

"I came home early today," answered the guy.......

"I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."

The bartender poured the dude another triple shot.....

"This one's on the house."

The guy gulped it down once again.

The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"

The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through.

‘Pack your bags and get out!’ I told her."

"What about your friend?" asked the bartender.

"I looked him straight in the eye and said........

‘Bad dog!’"


NEW Added on 12/10/2019


A priest was called away for an emergency...

and not wanting to leave the confessional unattended,

he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say,

but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit....

and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says,

'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'

The priest asks, 'What did you do?'

The woman says, 'I committed adultery.'

Priest, 'How many times?'

Woman, 'Three times.'

Priest, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.'

A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional.

He says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'

Priest, 'What did you do?'

Man, 'I committed adultery.'

Priest: 'How many times?'

Man, 'Three times.'

Priest, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.'

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later, another woman enters and says,

'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'

Rabbi, 'What did you do?'

Woman, 'I committed adultery.'

Rabbi, 'How many times?'

Woman, 'Once.'

Rabbi, 'Go do it two more times....

We have a special this week, three for $5.'


NEW Added on 12/9/2019

Getting a Lawyer to Give to the United Way

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."
"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident?" the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,

"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"


NEW Added on 12/8/2019


Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy", replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind.", replied Tommy.


NEW Added on 12/7/2019

GOD BLESS.......

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers...

'God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy... Goodbye Grampa.'

Well, the father thought it was strange, but dismissed it.

The next day, the Grandfather died.

About a month or so later, the father heard his son saying his prayers again...

'God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy.... Goodbye Grammy.'

The next day the grandmother died.

Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation.

Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers....

'God Bless Mommy..... Good bye Daddy.'

This nearly gave the father a heart attack.

He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic.

He stayed all through lunch and dinner.

Finally, after midnight he went home.

He was still alive!

When he got home he apologized to his wife.

'I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today.'

'You think you've had a bad day? the wife yelled,

'The mailman dropped dead on our doorstep this morning!'


NEW Added on 12/6/2019


One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do.

Later, as they were cuddling,

Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend.

So he asked her,

"What's the matter, baby?"

Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied,

"You're probably the best guy I've ever met,

but every time we make love, you give me splinters."

This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal,

so the next day he went to seek some advice from his creator, Gepetto.

When Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering Pinocchio,

and asked him what was the matter.

As Pinocchio revealed his dilemma,

Gepetto searched up and down for a solution.

Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinocchio's

relationship with his girlfriend.

Pinocchio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed that the

sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems.

A couple weeks later,

Gepetto was in town picking up supplies when he ran into Pinocchio.

When he saw Pinocchio buying packs of sandpaper, Gepetto remarked,

"So Pinocchio, things must be going pretty good with the girls."

To which Pinocchio replied,



NEW Added on 12/5/2019


Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.

The first mouse drank a shot and said,

"I play with mousetraps for fun.

I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me,

I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times."

And with that he drank another shot.

The second mouse drank a shot and said,

"That's nothing.

I take those Decon tablets........

cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it."

And with that he drank another shot.

The third mouse drank a shot, got up and walked away.

The first two mice looked at each other........

turned to the third mouse and asked,

"Where are you going?"

The third mouse stopped and replied,

"I'm going home to screw the cat."


NEW Added on 12/4/2019


A Blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor.

She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down.

He gets out his light and says, "Open wide".

"I can't," replies the Blonde,

"there are arms on this chair."


NEW Added on 12/3/2019


A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly.

The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce some excitement into the process.

He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan.

"Well," he says to the doctor,

"I did everything you suggested.

The boss let me leave work an hour early.

I sped home and skidded up the driveway.

I charged into the house and found Shirley in the living room.

I stripped her naked and had her right there on the coffee table!"

"And did you enjoy it!?"

asked the doctor enthusiastically.

"Well," says the guy slowly and thoughtfully,

"Yes, but her Bible Study group was horrified!"


NEW Added on 12/2/2019


After a wild freeway chase, the motorcycle cop waved the speeding sports car over

to the curb.

When he walked up to the drivers window, he was surprised to find a very

attractive Blonde behind the wheel.

"Ma'am," he said ."I'm afraid we're going to have to give you a Breathalyzer test

to see whether or not you've been drinking."

The test was taken and as the officer eyed the results, he said,

"Lady, you've had a couple of stiff ones."

"That's amazing!" the Blonde cried."You mean it shows that,too!"


NEW Added on 12/1/2019


Bruce and Neil were flying an Austalian Airlines cargo plane across the great outback

with 300 sheep on board.

Neil went back to see how they were doing and came back.

"Bruce, we've just lost the starboard engine, what shall we do?"

"That's alright Neil, we've got another one on the other side,

it'll just take us longer to get there."

Well, after a bit, Neil was getting bored, and went to see how the sheep were doing.

When he came back he said, "Bruce, we've just lost the port engine, what shall we do?"

"That's alright Neil, we've both got parachutes, and the plane will glide on autopilot

for long enough for us to get out."

"Yeah, but what about the sheep?"

"Aw, screw the sheep!"

"You reckon we got time?"