 HOWARD'S GUILTNo matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him: "Howard, don't worry about it..... You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients.... and you won't be the last. And, you're single.... Just let it go." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Howard, you're a veterinarian...." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ REDNECK WIFEso she bought a pair of crotchless panties. That night, as he came into the house.... she lay sprawled on the couch spread-eagle. "Hi honniee," she purred sexily. "Y'all want some of this?" "Hell, no!" he hollered....... "Look what it's done to your panties!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Professor's Dirty JokesAfter one particularly vulgar story, all the women decide to leave the next time he starts telling a joke. The next day the Professor comes into the class and says, "Did you hear about the shortage of prostitutes in India?" With that all the women got to their feet and headed toward the door. "Wait," cried the Professor, "the boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKESt. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first Blonde, 'What is Easter?' The Blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful...' 'Wrong!,' replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second Blonde the same question, 'What is Easter?' The second Blonde replies, 'Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.' St. Peter looks at the second Blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and asks the third Blonde, 'What is Easter?' The third Blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, 'I know what Easter is.' 'Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.' St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third Blonde continues, 'Every February the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Physical TherapistThe first of the twosome tees off and watches in horror as her ball hurtles directly towards a group of men playing the next hole.... hitting one of the men full-on.... who immediately crumples to the ground, both hands clenched firmly between his legs. The women rush over... 'I'm really, really sorry,' says the woman who teed off. 'Please allow me to help you ...... I am a physical therapist and I can ease the pain if you'd allow me.' 'Oooh - ahhh - oooooh!' screams the man, writhing around on the floor with his hands still firmly entrenched between his legs. 'I'll be all right in a couple of minutes' Persistent the woman pins him down and unbuckles his belt. Then she loosens his trousers, slips her hand inside and massages his groin. 'How does that feel?' the woman asks. 'It feels absolutely great,' says the man, smiling, 'but my thumb still hurts like hell!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Things NOT to Say To a Police Officer2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are you Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. Do I know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic and yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son . . . your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CINDERELLAshe happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man". Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DISEASE'Well? What's the news?' 'Not good I'm afraid' replied the doctor 'You've got a disease that can't be treated.' The man broke down crying 'What am I going to do?' he sobs. 'Well I'm afraid, it's even worse than that, you have a new and highly contagious form of the disease.... and we're going to have to put you into quarantine straight away. Then we can start the special diet' 'What special diet?' the guy asks 'Pancakes and flat fish - sole, stuff like that' 'And this special diet, will it help me get well?' 'Sorry, no.... but it's the only stuff we can slide under the door!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE VIRGINso his friend told him that he'd take him to a girl that would teach him a few things. He agrees. Later that week, he's in a room with the girl. She takes off her clothes, and asks him, "Do you know what I want?" He says, "No.". She lies down on the bed, and asks him the same question again. Again, he answers "No." Now, she's not sure exactly what to do, so she spreads her legs wide. She asks, "Now do you know what I want?" He answers, "Yeah. You want the whole bed to yourself." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BUYING A BARBIE DOLL"Could you please show me your Barbie dolls? My daughter's birthday is today and I have to get something she will love!" She says, "Certainly, sir. Here, we have: *Fashion Barbie @ $15.95 *Vacation Barbie @ $15.95 *Housewife Barbie @ $15.95 and *Divorcee Barbie @ $315.95!" The guy asks in astonishment, "Why is "Divorcee Barbie so much? She looks the same to me." The clerk answers, "Well, sir, Divorcee Barbie comes complete with: Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's yacht, Ken's golf clubs, Ken's Gold MasterCard, his season tickets to the Lakers, and his summer home." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LAS VEGAS MADAMthe madam was surprised to see a multiple amputee. "Look at yourself," the madam said, "no arms, no legs, what could you possibly do?" The amputee replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LITTLE JOHNNYThe teacher asked, "Johnny, what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test, and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36" And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Johnny both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnny, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Johnny replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants" Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Johnny: Coconut The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? Johnny: Bubble gum Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Johnny: "Shake hands" Ms. Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement? Johnny: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARI don't think you can pay for it.' The guy says 'You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?' The bartender says 'Only if what you show me ain't dirty or pornographic.' 'Deal!' says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. The bartender says, 'You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.' The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. 'Money or another miracle else no drink,' says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says 'It's a deal.' He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, 'Are you crazy?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. 'Not so,' says the guy. 'The hamster is a ventriloquist!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 19 BROTHERS AND SISTERS"The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing." "My mom and dad would go to bed at night, and my dad would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my mom would say, 'What?'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MARTINISand orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, 'Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.' The customer replies, 'I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ADAM & EVE"It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SEX EDUCATION'Teacher, can my momma get pregnant?' The teacher asks, 'how old is your mother?' Little Mary says, 'forty'. The teacher says, 'yes, your mother could get pregnant.' The little girl asks, 'can my big sister get pregnant?' The teacher asks, 'how old is your sister?' Little Mary answers, 'nineteen'. The teacher says, 'oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant.' The little girl asks, 'can I get pregnant?' The teacher asks, 'how old are you?' Mary says 'I'm seven years old'. The teacher says, 'no, you can't get pregnant.' Little Johnny, who is sitting behind little Mary, gives her a poke and says, 'see, I told you we had nothing to worry about.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ARGUEMENTThe husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TOP TENTop Ten Things You'll Never Hear From A Southern Boy 1. Oh I just couldn't, she's only fourteen. 2. You can't feed that to the dog. 3. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 4. Please trim the fat off that steak. 5. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 6. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 7. Duct tape won't fix that. 8. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. 9. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. 10. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin'. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SUNBURNsettled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburned beyond belief. He could hardly stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looked at his lobster-colored legs and shook his head. 'You must realize that this is only a small village medical facility,' he explained. 'I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this just before bedtime...' The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra. Puzzled, the man asked, 'I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet going to do?' 'Not a thing for the sunburn,' the doctor replied, 'but it might keep the sheets off your legs!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LIFESAVERSa bowl of Lifesavers. He gave the children a Lifesaver and asked them, "What is the flavor, and what color is it?" The children began to say, "Red . . . cherry . . . yellow . . . lemon . . . lime . . . green . . . orange . . . orange." Finally, he gave them all honey Lifesavers. The children suck on them for a while, but can't decipher the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother would call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled: "Everybody spit it out, they're assholes!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A GOOD DATE!One Friday night right they had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time. The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up." The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared." The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud! She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BODY BUILDERand decided to head back to his place. By the time they got home he saw that the girl was so excited that he rips off his shirt, points to the bulging biceps and says, "See these baby - 1000lbs. of dynamite!" The girl becomes even more excited. Seeing this, he then tears off his jeans, points to his muscular thighs and says, "See these baby - 1000lbs. of dynamite!" The girl can hardly contain herself at this point. So finally, he drops his "fruit of the looms". The girl jumps up and runs for the door, the guy catches up with her and says, "Baby, where are you going?" She replies, "With 2000lbs. of dynamite and such a short fuse I was afraid you were going to explode!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE NEW SECRETARYOne day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr.. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A SPANISH DELICACYWhile sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, delicious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSEven When It's Bad......, It's Good!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BURGLARShining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you." He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He again heard, "Jesus is watching you." This time, he shone his light all over, and it finally rested on a parrot. He asked, "Did you say that?" The parrot admitted that it had. "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?" The bird answered, "The same folks who would name a Rottweiler "Jesus'.! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE QUARTERBACKand then filed for divorce after spending only one night with her? He said that he thought he was getting a tight-end but... ended up with a wide receiver. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BOTH OF THEM??They talk for a while and then the friend asks, 'My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my slippers please?' The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's wife and college age daughter, both very good looking. Being adventurous and quick thinking, he says, 'Hi, ladies! Your dad sent me here to sexually satisfy both of you!' They stare at him and say, 'That can't be!' He replies, 'OK, let's check!' He shouts at his friend down the stairs, 'Both of them?' 'Yes,' comes the reply, 'Both of them!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GETTING OLDER"How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON … OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE? : 
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