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"So Much Beauty, So Little Time..." ...A.H.


Oct 2019

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NEW Added on 10/31/2019


Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised
new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having
a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room
and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said,

'If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay
$200,000 to your beneficiaries.

But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle,
the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.'

'Now,' he concluded,

'which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?'


NEW Added on 10/30/2019


Two drunks are walking down the street....

when they come across a dog licking its privates.

The first drunk says

"I wish I could do that!"

The other drunk responds

"If you pat him on the head he might let you."


NEW Added on 10/29/2019


One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said...

'Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you!

I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town.

She lives only a street away and her name is Susan Hoffman.'

After dinner, George's dad took him aside and said,

'Son, I have to talk with you.

Look at your mother, George.....

She and I have been married 30 years,

and she's a wonderful wife and mother,

but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom,

so I fooled around with other women a lot.

Susan Hoffman is actually your half sister,

so I'm afraid you can't marry her.'

George was broken-hearted.

After eight months, he started dating girls again.

A year later he came home and very proudly announced,
'Diane said yes! We're getting married in June.'

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news:
'Diane is your half sister too, George.

I'm awfully sorry about this.'

George was livid!

He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

'Dad has done so much harm.

I guess I'm never going to get married,' he complained.

'Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.'

'Hah,' his mother chuckled, shaking her head,

'Don't pay any attention to what he says.

He's not really your father!'


NEW Added on 10/28/2019


One day, the handsome handyman was in town picking up supplies for his farm.

He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil....

then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

The livestock dealer said....

'Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand....

put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

Hey, thanks!' the handsome young man said, and off he went.

While walking he met a fair young lady.

She told him she was lost, and asked,

'Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?'

The handsome young man said,

'Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.

Let's take a short cut and go down this alley.

We'll save half the time to get there'.

The fair young lady said,

'How do I know that when we get in to the alley....

you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?'

The handsome young man said,

'I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose.....

How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The young lady said,

'That's easy!

Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose.....

put the anvil on top of the bucket.....

and I'll hold the chickens!'


NEW Added on 10/27/2019


An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening......

when the wife picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins.

"Jesus Christ, woman! What the hell was that for?" he yells.

"That's for 60 years of bad sex," she replies.

A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins.

"Ow!!" she yells. "What the hell was THAT for??"

The husband looks at her and says,

"That's for knowing the difference."


NEW Added on 10/26/2019


The spaceship crashed....

but the two glowing Martians survived and set out to find a way home.

They walked through the forests, through the fields and finally came into the city.

They stopped at an intersection....

and began to shake and moan at the mere sight of a green light.

Suddenly, the light turned from green to yellow and then to red.

Turning to his traveling companion, one Martian said disgustedly,

"Let's get out of here.

If there's one thing I hate....

it's a woman who's a tease."


NEW Added on 10/25/2019


Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns to the other and asks,

'Do you still get horny?'

The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'

The first old lady asks,

'What do you do about it?'

The second old lady replies,

'I suck on a lifesaver.'

After a few moments, the first old lady asks,

'Who drives you to the beach?'


NEW Added on 10/24/2019


A wife went in to see a sex therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor.

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said,

"that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.

In fact, you could take it as a compliment!"

"Yeah, I guess so," she complained,

"but it almost always wakes me up!"


NEW Added on 10/23/2019


A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married.

He says,

"I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house.

He sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says,

"Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies,

"The red-head in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right.

How did you know?"

She replies

"She's the one I didn't like".


NEW Added on 10/22/2019



* Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

* It takes five minutes to un-knot your bodies.

* An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

* The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

* A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

* You've both gone down one clothing size.

* You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

* You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

* You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.


NEW Added on 10/21/2019


This guy staggers into a bar and shouts,

"A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here...

and while you're at it, have one yourself."

"Well thank you sir," says the barman

and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.

Moments later the guy shouts,

"Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else."

The bartender looks a little worried now and says,

"Excuse me sir,

but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"

The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money."

With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.

About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out,

"A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."

"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?"

the barman asks, marveling at the guy's nerve.

"Not likely," slurs the guy,

"you get nasty when you've had a drink!"


NEW Added on 10/20/2019


A rich Beverly Hills woman got very angry at her maid.

After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper,

she dismissed the maid.

The maid couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered.

'Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam.'

'I suppose my husband told you that?'

'Yes, he did.

And furthermore,' the angry maid continued,

'I am better in bed than you!'

'And I suppose my husband told you that, too?'

'No, Madam,' said the maid.

'The butler did.'


NEW Added on 10/19/2019


A Blonde lady is pushed into a gas station in her new BMW.

The mechanic asks, 'What's the matter?

She says, 'It just conked out.'

After he we works on it a few minutes, it's purring like a kitten.

'What's the story?' she asks.

'Crap in the carburettor,' he replies.

'How often do I have to do that?'


NEW Added on 10/18/2019


A little boy walks up to his dad and says,

"Dad, what's a penis?"

The dad stutters for a minute and then unzips and says,

"Well, son, this, is a penis, a perfect penis."

The boy goes out to his friends and says,

"Guys, this is a penis.

A perfect one would be two inches shorter."


NEW Added on 10/17/2019


The hotel front desk calls a Blondes room asking why she hasn't checked out,

wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the desk clerk asked, "Why not?"

"There are only three doors in here," she sobbed.

"One is the bathroom,

one is the closet,

and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"


NEW Added on 10/16/2019


Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,

but Bill said that he'd be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.

His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."


NEW Added on 10/15/2019


Each Sunday, a little old lady puts $1,000 in the collection plate at church.

After about five weeks of this, the pastor takes the lady on the side and says,

"I really appreciate what you're doing, but how can you afford to do this?"

To which the old lady replies,

"It's not a problem, because every week my son sends me $2,000"

Well, the pastor is flabbergasted, and tells the woman that she is truly blessed
to have a son who takes such good care of her.

"What does he do for a living?" he asks.

"He's a veterinarian," she replies.

"A veterinarian?!? My word, where is his practice?"

The little old lady answers,

"Well, he's got one cathouse in Reno, and another just outside Las Vegas."


NEW Added on 10/14/2019


1. -You have more fingers than you do teeth

2. -You cut your grass and find a car

3. -You consider Denny's a Fancy Restaurant

4. -Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors

5. -Your age is higher than your I.Q.

6. -Your favorite pickup line is "Does this look infected to you?"

7. -You ask your wife whether the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies "Its a gummy bear."

8. -You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.

9. -You say "Watch this" every time just before you go to the hospital.

10. -Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.


NEW Added on 10/13/2019


A young Blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way,

but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with one of the shopkeepers,

the Blonde shouted,

"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator........

so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said,

"By all means, be my guest.

Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the Blonde turned and headed for the swamps.......

set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home....

when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water....

shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim and kills the creature....

and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.

Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the Blonde flips the alligator on it's back.....

and frustrated, shouts out,

"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"


NEW Added on 10/12/2019


A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied.


NEW Added on 10/11/2019


A Chinese man had three daughters,

He asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest daughter.


NEW Added on 10/10/2019


To most women, sex with a new man is like a snow storm.

They are never sure how long it is going to last.....

or how many inches they are going to get.


NEW Added on 10/9/2019


A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts.

"Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.

"It's Snow----Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"

"Me, I'm June----June Hansen," she said.

After a short while she asked,

"Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?"

"Can you imagine what it might be like," he replied,

"...having eight inches of Snow in June?"


NEW Added on 10/8/2019


One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door.
He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard,
usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts.

He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible,
hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more.
Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited.
The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

'Excuse me', our man stammered,
'but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is.'

'Yeah? So?' his hulking neighbor replied.
'Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are.
I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts.'

The burly husband is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears
and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments.

Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. 'OK,'
the husband says gruffly, 'for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts.'

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire burst free.
Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy.
This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.

'Well, come on already, kiss 'em!' he growls.

'I can't.' replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

'Why not?' demands the husband, getting really angry now.

'I don't have ten thousand dollars!'


NEW Added on 10/7/2019


A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day.

They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic
zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic.

This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately
not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side
of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket
which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement
and says to the blind man,

"Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie?

He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies,

"To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."


NEW Added on 10/6/2019


King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest.

He was worried about leaving beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights.

So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice.

After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said....

come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory.....

where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt.....

except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed,

"Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin.....

He then produced a large orange carrot........

He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt ........

whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch,

"Now I can leave, knowing that my queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.

Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and.......

ordered them to drop their trousers for an informal inspection.

Sure enough!

Every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way.

All of them except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur,

"The one and only true knight!

Only you among all the nobles have been true to me.

What is it in my power to grant you?

Name it and it is yours!"

But Sir Galahad was speechless.


NEW Added on 10/5/2019


A brunette is talking to a redhead.

The brunette asks,

"Did you hear about the new Blonde paint?"

The redhead answers, "No"

The brunette says,

"It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy."


NEW Added on 10/4/2019


The dumb guy is in a supermarket and sees a sign, "Turkeys, one dollar."

Before the manager can correct the price to ten dollars,

the dumb guy has twenty turkeys in his cart.

The manager says to a stock boy,

"Do whatever you can to keep him from buying all the turkeys."

The stock boy says to the dumb guy ,

"Sir, these turkeys are all infected with AIDS."

The dumb guy says,

That's okay, I'm not gonna have sex with 'em,

I'm gonna cook 'em and eat 'em."


NEW Added on 10/3/2019


Bob was so excited to be going bear hunting.

He spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Then there was a tap on his shoulder......

and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said 'You've got two choices.

I either maul you to death or we have sex.'......

Bob decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks....

Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said 'That was a huge mistake, Bob.

You've got two choices.

Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex.'

Again, Bob thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived......

it would take several months before Bob finally recovered.

Outraged he headed back to the woods........

managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder.

He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear said 'Admit it, Bob,

You don't come here for the hunting do you?'


NEW Added on 10/2/2019


A small Tenessee Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem.

The gorilla was in heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Bubba,

a part timer, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.

Bubba had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy any hairy female.

So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.

Bubba was approached with a proposition:

would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks?

Bubba showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Bubba announced that he would accept their offer,

but only under three conditions.

'First,' he said. 'I don't want to have to kiss her.

Secondly, I want to wear protection.'

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions,

so they asked what was his third condition.

'Well,' said Bubba.

'You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks!'


NEW Added on 10/1/2019


What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.