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Sept 2019

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NEW Added on 9/30/2019


A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for 'parking.'

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on.

He gets closer to the car & sees a young man behind the wheel,

reading a computer magazine & a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car & knocks at the window.

The young man lowers his window... 'Yes, officer?'

'What are you doing?' asked the officer.

'Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine...'

Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says:

'And her, what is she doing?'

The young man says: 'I believe she's knitting a sweater...'

The cop is totally confused.

A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening!

'What's your age, young man?'

'I'm 25, sir...'..

'And her, what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch & says: 'She'll be 18 at midnight...'


NEW Added on 9/29/2019


Two Blondes always rode their bicycles together.

One day, they decided to take a different route.

One of the Blondes remarked,

"I never came this way before."

To which her friend replied,

"Must be the cobblestones!"


NEW Added on 9/28/2019


A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant

for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.

"Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice,

and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.

'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice.

Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."


NEW Added on 9/27/2019


Walking up to a department store's fabric counter,

a pretty girl asked,

"I want to buy this material for a new dress.

How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl.

"I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,

the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth....

then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.

"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.


NEW Added on 9/26/2019


One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned
to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried
and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose
and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The mother said to the young man,

"That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!"

The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm behind his back and yelled,

"Doctor, my ass! He's going to be our son-in-law.

Smell his fingers!"


NEW Added on 9/25/2019


A husband and wife decided they needed to use certain phrases to indicate
that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on their sex life.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter,
"Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."

The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded telling
her young child,
"Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because
there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."

The child went back to tell her father the bad news.

A few days later the mom told her
"Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father and came back to her mother and gave the father's

"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."


NEW Added on 9/24/2019


Two old ladies are standing at a bus station and one of them is smoking.

Suddenly it starts raining so the smoking one takes out a condom from her purse,
cuts the tip off and puts it over the cigarette.

Her friend asks her:

"What are you doing?!?"

So she replies:

"I don't want my cigarette to get wet so I covered it with a condom"

So her friend asks: "What's a condom? Where did you get it?"

So she says: "At the pharmacy"

So the next day her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk
if she can get a condom.

The clerk asks: "What size?"

So she replies: "I dunno, one that will fit a camel.


NEW Added on 9/23/2019


A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City.

One day, the father took his son into a large building.

They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded,

"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment......

an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened again, and a beautiful twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said,

"Go get your maw!"


NEW Added on 9/22/2019


A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.

The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference.....

pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch.......

that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and screams at the bartender.

"This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy.

I'm not paying for it.....

Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge.....

pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch.

The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar.

"This is only 6-year-old scotch.

I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.

An old drunk from the end of the bar....

who has witnessed the entire episode,

walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks,

"What do you think of this?"

The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust....

violently spits out the liquid yelling

"Why, this tastes like piss,"

The old drunk replies,

"That's right, now tell me how old I am."


NEW Added on 9/21/2019


A new young MD doing his residency in o.b. was quite embarrassed while performing a female pelvic exam.

He had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrassment.

The young lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.

He snarled "just what is so funny madam?"

She replied, "I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were whistling was

'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'!"


NEW Added on 9/20/2019


Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she
welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ,the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl
sitting on top of it filled with water.

In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine the shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!

Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater,
but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
(pointing to the bowl).

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful?

I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease.

And you know ... I haven't had a cold all winter."


NEW Added on 9/19/2019


A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own

so does she.


NEW Added on 9/18/2019


Q: What is worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD?

A: Having your dentist tell you...


NEW Added on 9/17/2019


A Blonde decided to try horseback riding,

even though she had no prior experience.

She mounted the horse unassisted,

and the horse immediately sprang into motion.

It galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace,

but the Blonde began to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabbed for the horse's mane,

but couldn't seem to get a firm grip.

She tried to throw her arms around the horse's neck,

but she slid down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse galloped along, ignoring its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip,

she leapt away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot became entangled in the stirrup......

She was at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves....

as her head struck the ground over and over.

As her head was battered against the ground,

she was mere moments away from unconsciousness.

Then, to her great fortune,

the WalMart manager saw her and shut the horse off.


NEW Added on 9/16/2019


Does Wine Count As A Serving of Fruit?


NEW Added on 9/15/2019


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.

Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;

that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.

\ Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.

And what are these? Vegetables.

So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.

Need grain? Eat chicken.

Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).

And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.


NEW Added on 9/14/2019


What Doesn't KILL You, Makes You Stronger...............

Except for Tigers..... Tigers WILL KILL You!


NEW Added on 9/13/2019


She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


NEW Added on 9/12/2019


A young woman had entered her dog in the dog show

in the smooth-haired breed category.

To give it an advantage, she went to the drug store for some hair remover.

The druggist gave her the hair remover and advised,

"Just remember to keep your arms up for at least five minutes"

She said "Oh no, it's for my Chihuahua."

"Oh well, in that case," said the druggist,

"Don't ride a bike for an hour."


NEW Added on 9/11/2018

18th Anniversary SEPTEMBER 11th

It's hard to believe that 18 years ago today my phone rang at 8am.................

No Joke today.

Don't ever forget SEPTEMBER 11, 2001!


NEW Added on 9/10/2019


When I Was A Kid, I wanted To Be Older..........

This Is Not What I Expected


NEW Added on 9/9/2019

The Drunk

A patrolman drove by a bar and noticed a man staggering all over the parking lot.

The officer pulled over across the street, and watched as the man stumbled around until he got into his car.

After a few minutes, he then drove out of the lot.

Immediately, the officer sped to intercept the obviously intoxicated driver.

However, when a breath test showed that the driver had not been drinking,

the annoyed officer asked the man why he was staggering all over the parking lot.

The man replied:

"Well officer, tonight I'm the designated decoy" .


NEW Added on 9/8/2019


Tired of a listless sex life,

the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,

"How come you never tell me when you are fully satisfied?"

She glanced at him casually and replied,

"You're never home!"


NEW Added on 9/7/2019



Because No Great Story Ever Starts With a Salad!


NEW Added on 9/6/2019

Applying For A Job

Fred was applying for a job as a flagman/switch operator on the railroad.

The chief engineer was conducting the interview.

'What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1
and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?'

Fred quickly answered, 'Well, I'd call my brother.'

The chief engineer just sat there for a second.
'Why would you call your brother?'

'He's never seen a train wreck before.'


NEW Added on 9/5/2019


Two friends, a Blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street.

They pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says,

"Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again....for no reason."

The Blonde looks quizzically at her and says,

"What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The redhead says,

"Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after giving me flowers......

I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The Blonde says

"Don't you have a vase?"


NEW Added on 9/4/2019


Well, Another Day Has Passed and.....

I Didn't Use ALGEBRA Even Once


NEW Added on 9/3/2019


An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest,

"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren.

I started taking this new Viagra pill......

and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.

Both of them.


The priest said:

"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"Hell! I'm telling everybody!"


NEW Added on 9/2/2019


There was an Italian immigrant man who had worked all his life,

and had saved all of his money.

He was a "miser" when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his Italian wife...

"When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.

I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart,

that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

When he died, he was stretched out in the casket,

his wife was sitting there dressed in black,

and her best friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony,

and as the undertaker got ready to close the casket,

the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"

She had a small metal box with her,

she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertaker locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said,

"I hope you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with him."

The loyal wife replied,

"I'm an Italian Catholic and I cannot go back on my word.

I promised him that I was going to put that money in the casket with him."

"I got it all together, put it into my account, and I wrote him a check....

When he cashes it, then he can spend it."


NEW Added on 9/1/2019

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