 THE LAWNMOWERBut, somehow I always had Something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, Making beer.... Always something more important to me. Finally she Thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall Grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing Scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a Limp. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSI'm Just saying that nobody has ever seen..... me and SUPERMAN in a room together.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FROGShe puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box...and it says.... "Oral Sex Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions)" She looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers to the man behind the counter... "I'll take one." He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home. She gets home, takes out the instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do. 1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume. 2. Put on a very sexy teddy. 3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there." To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and tries another perfume. She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and...nothing. She's totally frustrated and upset at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper is says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, she does. The man from behind the counter says, "I've had a few complaints earlier today, I'll be right over." After the man got to her house the woman says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, "I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE TAXIDERMISTSurprised, the bartender looks around and says 'You ain't from around here... where you from, boy?'. The guy says, 'I'm from Ohio' The bartender asks, 'What do you do up in Ohio?' The guy responds, 'I'm a taxidermist.' The bartender asks, 'A taxidermist... what the hell is a taxidermist?' The guy says 'I mount dead animals.' The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, 'It's OK boys, he's one of us. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ INDIAN'S LANDIndians were running it. There were: - No Taxes - No Debt - Plenty buffalo - Plenty beaver - Medicine man free - Women did all the work and all the farming - Men have sex every night - Men hunted and fished all the time The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAMhas ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a "Guaranteed" weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck" he thinks to himself. "But let's see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3-day, 10-pound weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike's and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to mention the method of "treatment," he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5-day, 20-pound weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their "workout" schedule might be like this time. As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it, there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok's and a sign around her neck. She is simply stunning and the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. "I love this company," he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun!" Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7-day, 50-pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years!" The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him an 800-pound gorilla with a huge erection and a sign around his neck. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CHOKERa young woman at the next table having trouble breathing. One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said, 'Kin ya swaller?' She shook her head 'no.' 'Kin ya breathe?' Again she shakes her head 'no.' The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands, turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her right on the bottom! Of course the young woman was so shocked that she coughed, causing the food to dislodge. The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls up her skirt, turns her right side up, tips his hat and returns to his seat. His companion is sitting there stunned. 'I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!' he says to his heroic friend. 'Yep, I tell ya, that Hind Lick maneuver works every time!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSEat 30% of their Ice Cream. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SEW ON A BUTTON"Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants. " "Oh Angus ... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it." About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a lot of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. His wife looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?" "Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did. Everything was goin fine until she bent down to bite off the wee thread..... Then Mr. MacDonald walked in... " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOCTORS ADVICE1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SOCIAL WORKERSThey heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and beaten," he pleaded. The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague, "You know, the person who did that really needs help." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GEORGE CARLIN QUOTEbut rather to skid in sideways.... Chardonnay in one hand.... chocolate in the other... body thoroughly used up... totally worn out and screaming... 'WOO HOO, What a Ride' " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE WISH'And what will your third wish be?' The man looked at the genie and said, 'Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?' 'You have had two wishes already,' the genie said, 'but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left.' 'Okay,' said the man, 'I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads.' 'Funny,' said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, 'That was your first wish, too!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS.....and how hard it was to get any sleep. "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled. "That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?" "At five in the morning I finally unlocked the door and let her out," the gambler laughed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FORTUNE TELLERJennifer went to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball..... the mystic delivered grave news. 'There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.' Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face..... then at the single flickering candle..... then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself...... She simply had to know...... She met the fortune teller's gaze...... steadied her voice...... and asked her question..... 'Will I be acquitted?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSbut have to touch and check when you say the paint is wet? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CHINESE HONEYMOONThe wife is a virgin, and very shy. She climbs into bed fully clothed, then strips off under the covers. The husband is gentile and caring and slowly starts getting undressed. He says to her: 'Don't worry my love, we can do this at your own pace. You tell what you want and I will do it for you. If there is anything I can do to put your mind at ease I do it for you, my love. Absolutely anything...' 'How about a 69?' she asks coyly. 'A 69??' he replies shocked. 'A 69??' 'You want Kung Pow Chicken... Now??' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEShe made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard...... she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better. In a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug.... She was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed she was surprised when the snowplow stopped..... The driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted..... but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to Target next. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GREEK HOLIDAYSitting nearby was an old Greek, morosely surveying the harbour below. Wayne said hello to him and commented on how nice the garden looked. The Greek looked up. 'I designed this garden and laid it out, and a dozen others just as beautiful. My gardens are the best in Greece. But do they call me Aristo the Gardener? Pah!' He spat and looked disgusted. 'What do they call you?' asked Wayne. The Greek ignored him. 'You see all those yachts down there in the harbour? I built all of them. I have built sixty wonderful yachts. I am a craftsman. But do they call me Aristo the Boat Builder? Pah!' He spat again. 'So, what do they call you?' persisted Wayne. The Greek went on. 'You see all those houses down there round the harbour? I built them all. I am a master builder. I have built a hundred beautiful houses. But do they call me Aristo the House Builder? Pah!' 'So, tell me, what do they call you?' repeated Wayne. 'I screw one sheep.....' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICEShe was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, 'Is he breast fed or on the bottle?' 'Breast fed' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, 'No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk.' 'Naturally,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONFESSION"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest said, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes Father, it is." "Who was this woman you were with?" "I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Who was this woman you were with?" "I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation." The priest asked, "Was it Brenda Patty O'Malley?" "No." "Was it Mary Patricia Kelly?" "No." "Was it Elizabeth Mary Shannon?" "No." "Was it Fiona Mary McDonald?" "No." "Was it Cathy Moran Morgan?" "No, Father! I cannot tell you." The priest finally gave up and said, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be three Hail Marys and four Our Fathers. Tommy walked back to his pew. His friend, Sean, slid over and whispered, "What happened?" "Well, I got three Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and five good leads." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MANAGEMENT LESSONBut she dated someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. ' She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.' So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, 'The bastard used coins!' Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AA. You can unscrew a light bulb. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ZOOFinally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the horses came home at 30 to 1!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TRIBUTE TO JEWISH MOTHERS"You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!" GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSbut it takes a whole box to start a campfire ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q and AA: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FOUR FRIENDSAfter several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich, that he gave his best friend... a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday. The second guy said, My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets he's so rich that... he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday. The third man said.... My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday, a 30,000 square foot mansion. The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked.... What are all the congratulations for? One of the three said, We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son? The fourth man replied.... My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said... What a shame... What a disappointment. The fourth man replied He's my son and I love him. He hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet..... and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ATHEISTShe told her mother, 'Anthony proposed to me an hour ago.' 'Then why are you so sad?' her mother asked. 'Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell.' Her mother replied, 'Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BIRDS AND BEES"Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex." The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewelry, my dear, Jewelry" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DEATHBED CONFESSIONHis wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. 'My darling Susan,' he whispered. 'Hush, my love,' she said. 'Rest. Shhh. Don't talk.' He was insistent. 'Susan,' he said in his tired voice. 'I have something I must confess to you.' 'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Susan. 'Everything's all right, go to sleep.' 'No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother.' 'I know,' she replied. 'That's why I poisoned you.' 
|