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July 2019

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NEW Added on 7/30/2019


An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.

She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question,

but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question,

then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'.

When he finished explaining,

the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

The father asked her,

",Why did you ask this question?"

The little girl replied,

"Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."


NEW Added on 7/29/2019


A Blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right "tools"

she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.

After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.

Then from the heavens a voice boomed,


Startled, the Blonde moved further down the ice,

poured a thermos of hot chocolate

and started to cut yet another hole in the ice.

The voice boomed,


This time quite scared, the Blonde moved to the far end of the ice.

Then she started another hole and once again the voice said,


The very scared Blonde raised her head and said,

"Is that you, Lord?"

The voice answered,



NEW Added on 7/28/2019


Q. Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?
A. The one who can carry 2 cups of coffee and nine doughnuts at the same time.

Q. Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony?
A. The one who can eat the last doughnut.


NEW Added on 7/27/2019


"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked,

"how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied.

"You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble.

If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him,

'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.

Which one?'

Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh,

"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?

I must confess I don't know much about history."


NEW Added on 7/26/2019


Q. What does a lawyer and an apple have in common?

A. They both look nice hanging from a tree.


NEW Added on 7/25/2019


While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man,

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,

'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?


NEW Added on 7/24/2019


A guy suffers from severe headaches for years with no relief.

After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist

The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies,

'I get these blinding headaches;

kind of like a knife across my scalp and...'

He is interrupted by the doctor,

'...and a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear.'

'Yes! Exactly! How did you know?'

'Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist,

But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years.

It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles.

This is how I cured it:

Every day I would give my wife oral sex.

When she orgasmed,

she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength

and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head.

Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.'

Two weeks go by and the man is back.

'Well, how do you feel?'

'Doc, I'm a new man!' he beams.

'I feel great!

I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment!

I can't thank you enough.

'And, by the way Doc, you have a lovely home.'


NEW Added on 7/23/2019


There's a fine line between cuddling and ........

holding someone down so they can't get away.


NEW Added on 7/22/2019


Three Nuns were killed in a car crash.....

and found themselves at the gates of heaven, speaking to Saint Peter.

Saint Peter says to them

"Before I can let you into Heaven, I must ask you each a question.

He asks the first young novice Nun,

"Who was the first woman"?

"Eve", she answers...

and Saint Peter says...

"Congratulations you may enter the Gates of Heaven!"

He asks the second young novice Nun,

"Where did Eve live"?

"In the Garden Of Eden", she answers...

and Saint Peter says...

"Congratulations you may enter the Gates of Heaven!"

To the third Nun.....

an older Sister Superior he says

"Because of your age and experience this will be a bit tougher"

"What did Eve Say the first time she saw Adam"?

She says,

"Gee that's a hard one!"...

and Saint Peter says...

"Congratulations you may enter the gates of Heaven!"


NEW Added on 7/21/2019


A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near-death experience.

Seeing God, she asked if this was it.

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift,

liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

She got out of the hospital after the last operation, and while crossing the street

was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,

"I thought you said I had another 40 years?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."


NEW Added on 7/20/2019


There was a bit of confusion at Ace Hardware this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gunpowder and bullets,

the cashier said,

"Strip down, facing me!"

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman

about the gun registry people running amok,

I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking had finally subsided,

I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!


NEW Added on 7/19/2019

Q and A


A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet......

and when they go, they take your house and car with them.


NEW Added on 7/18/2019


Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and

a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.

You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked,

"Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked,

"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad.

The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but,

yes, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked,

"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,"

the young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it.

When she bent over to pick it up,

I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,"

stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man,

"We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."


NEW Added on 7/17/2019


There's a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half an hour.

Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him,

takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, 'Come on man, I was just joking.

Here, I'll buy you another drink.

I just can't stand seeing a man crying.'

'No, it's not that.

This day is the worst of my life.

First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office.

My boss, in an outrage, fires me.

When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.

The police say they can do nothing.

I get a cab to return home and when I leave it,

I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there.

The cab driver just drives away.

I go home and when I get there,

I find my wife in bed with the gardener.

I leave home and come to this bar.

And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life,

you show up and drink my poison...'


NEW Added on 7/16/2019


There was a convent which needed a room to be painted.

So the head nun picked two nuns to paint the room,

but told them they couldn't get any paint on their clothes.

They started painting, before deciding the best thing to do was to

take all their clothing off, and then no paint would get on them.

They do so, and it works out just fine.

While they are painting, there was a knock at the door.

The nuns asked, "Who is it?"

A man replied,

"Blind man, may I come in?"

The nuns looked at each other and thought, well, he's blind,

so he can't see us in the nude.

They let him in and the man looked at them, saying,

"Great knockers.

Where do you want these blinds?"


NEW Added on 7/15/2019


"Well, dear what's it to be tonight?"

said the amorous hubby.

"Hmmm....I'm in the mood for something special tonight,

how about turkey style?"

replied his horney wife.

"Turkey style?

I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what in the world is turkey style?" he asks.

"Gobble, gobble, gobble!"


NEW Added on 7/14/2019


The President was visiting one of the top hospitals in the US,

and during his tour of the floors he passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my God", he said ,

"that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The Doctor leading the tour explains;

"I am sorry Mr. President, this man has a very serious condition.....

where the testicles rapidly fill with semen.

If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode,

and he would die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry", he said .

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was having sex with a patient.

"Oh my God", he said,

"What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied,

"Same problem, better health plan."


NEW Added on 7/13/2019

Q and A


A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...


NEW Added on 7/12/20194


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for exceeding the speed limit.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box
when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes officer. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car
and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back-up. The car was quickly surrounded
by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid.)

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers. (The driver owned the car)

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. (Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box)

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. (trunk is opened - no body)

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you
didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that
there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.


NEW Added on 7/11/2019


An American businessman was in Japan.

He hired a local hooker and all night long she kept screaming

"Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!",

which the guy took to be pleasurable..

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts........

and he got a hole-in-one.

Wanting to impress the clients, he said


The Japanese clients looked confused and said

"No, you got the right hole."


NEW Added on 7/10/2019


The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going to make it rain
until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are
But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing
on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark."
And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints,"
"I'm your man."

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents.
The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping,
and there was no ark.

A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah.
"I did my best, but there were some big problems.

First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction,
but Your plans did not meet their code.

So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans,
only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include
a sprinkler system.

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by
building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning board.

Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a
ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood
to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights
group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.

"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't
complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on
Your proposed flood.

They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over You.

Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan.
I sent them a globe!

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal
Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire.

The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country,
and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax.

Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord. "The government already has."


NEW Added on 7/9/2019


The President and Mrs. Clinton were in the front row at a Yankees game.

The row behind them was taken up with Secret Service agents.

One of them leaned over and whispered in the President's ear.

Mr. Clinton paused, then grabbed Hillary by the scruff of the neck

and heaved her over the railing.

She fell 10 feet to the top of the dugout, screaming obscenities.

The President shook the hands of those near him and got high fives all around.

The Secret Service agent leaned over again and whispered,

"Mr. President, I said it's time to throw out the first pitch."


NEW Added on 7/8/2019


A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells
extra large size condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"


NEW Added on 7/7/2019


This Blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these Blonde jokes

and how all Blondes are perceived as stupid,

so she decides to show her husband that Blondes really are smart.

While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room.

So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is O.K.

She replies yes.

He asks her what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all Blonde women are dumb

and she wanted to do it by painting the room.

He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done,

but what's with her wearing the two coats?

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said,

For best results,

Put On Two Coats!


NEW Added on 7/6/2019


A major network is planning the show "Survivor 6".

In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style."

The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio,

over to Houston, and down to Brownsville.

They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo.

From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads,

"I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore and John Kerry, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.


NEW Added on 7/5/2019


Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother:

"Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,"

The child thought about this for a moment, then said:

"So then why is the groom wearing black?"


NEW Added on 7/4/2019


The Maid answers the phone.

He says...........

Can I speak to my wife?

She says.........

No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend.

He's mad and says............

Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun,

Go upstairs and kill them both.

Being the loyal maid, she says.........


5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says........

Ok, they're both dead.

What should I do with the bodies?

He says.........

Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home.

She says............

We don't have a pool.

He asks..........................

Is this 555-1234?


NEW Added on 7/3/2019


A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis.

After the second week, he made his move.

'No thank you.' she said politely.

'This may sound rather odd in this day and age,

but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.'

'That must be rather difficult.' the man replied.

'Oh, I don't mind too much.' she said.

'But, it has my husband pretty upset.'


NEW Added on 7/21/2019


Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.

Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer.

No longer needed.

Got married last weekend.

Wife knows everything


NEW Added on 7/1/2019


Out for a run one fine Spring morning in Central Park,

Bob the jogger spotted a brand new tennis ball.

Seeing no one around, he stooped over, picked it up and slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

After finishing his run around the reservoir, he headed back to his apartment,

pausing only momentarily at Central Park West to wait for the light to change.

A Blonde standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

'What's that?' she asked.

'Tennis ball,' came the breathless reply.

'Oh, my goodness,' said the Blonde sympathetically,

'I can only imagine how painful that must be.....

I once had tennis elbow.'