 THE GOOD WIFEthinking about how good his wife had been to him..... and how fortunate he was to have her. He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?" The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her so good looking?" The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her such a good cook?" The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son." The man thought about this. Then he said....... "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so dumb?" The Lord responded, "So she could love you, my son." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WITCHES BREWUnfortunately she did, not return the feeling. In desperation he went and visited a group of witches searching for a love potion. They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It was highly unethical to administer a potion to someone without her permission. They did have an alternate solution. They sold him a bottle of small white pellets. He was to bury one in her yard every night at midnight for a month. He returned to the witches six weeks later excited and thankful. He and the young lady were to wed in a month. The witch told him, "Nothin' says lovin' like something from a coven and pills buried say it best." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SICK JOKEAfter the first day on the job, he is down at the bar telling his best friend what had happened that day. 'You wouldn't believe it, the first day on the job and I find a woman tied to the track.' 'What did you do?' asked his buddy. 'I untied her, took her home and had a bottle of wine. Then we had fantastic sex, we did everything, doggy style, missionary, even the wheelbarrow!' 'Wow, she must have been very grateful for her rescue,' says the friend, 'what does she look like?' 'Oh, I don't know,' says Bob 'I never found her head.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q and AA: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PIRATEThe bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?" The pirate responded " We were sailing the seas when a big ol' shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit off me leg." Later the bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?" The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone." The bartender then asked " Then where did ya get the eye patch from?" The pirate said, "In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye." The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?" The pirate responded, "First day with the hook." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Eagle & The StudSt. Peter said, 'I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for a week, but you can't go back as Priests. So what else would you like to be?' The first Priest says, 'I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring high above the Rocky Mountains.' 'So be it,' said St. Peter, and, 'POOF,' the first Priest is gone. The second Priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, 'Will any of this new action on Earth 'count' on my Heavenly tally?' 'No, son, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing this time around.' 'In that case,' says the second Priest, 'I've always wanted to be a stud!' 'So be it,' said St. Peter, and the second Priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two Priests. 'Will you have any difficulty locating them?' He asks. 'The first one should be easy,' says St. Peter. 'He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.' 'Why?' asks the Lord. 'Near as I can tell, he's on a snow tire, somewhere in a North Dakota blizzard.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE HUMAN BODYOne human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).. The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. Women blink twice as often as men. The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain. Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. Women reading this will be finished now. Men are still busy checking their thumbs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HOW ITALIANS DO BUSINESS!The son says: 'I will choose my own bride!!!' Luigi says: 'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter.' Son answers: 'Well, in that case . . . ok.' Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates and says, 'I have a husband for your daughter...' Bill Gates answers: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!' Luigi says: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank' Bill Gates answers: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok.' Finally, Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank. Luigi says: 'I have a young man to recommend as a vice-president.' The president answers: 'But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!' Luigi says : 'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.' The president answers: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok.' And that, my friends, is how Italians do business! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q and AA: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUGSTOREat checkout #3, and asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?" She says, "Sure -- what size are you?" "I don't know" he replies. So she unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves. Then, a 25-year-old man comes into the store and walks up to checkout #3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?" She replies, "Sure -- what size do you need?" He says, "Well, I don't know." So she says unzips his pants, takes a couple of tugs, and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves. Seeing this, a 15-year-old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah...do you sell condoms here?" "Yep," she says. "What size do you need?" "I don't know," he shrugs. So she unzips his pants for a feel, pauses, and says over the intercom, "CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GEORGE W. BUSHwhite robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am." George W. asked him why he was so unfriendly and Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a bush I had to spend 40 years in the desert. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FROGHe is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong...... puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life. He asks the frog, "OK what's next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table..... The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win..... but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SAM AND BECKYSam says to Becky, "So, Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now....You really don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know..... Please..." "Well, all right, three times..." "three, hmmm, well when were they?" "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted...... to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?... Remember, one day the bank president himself came over the house...... and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?... Well..." "Oh, Becky, you did that for me?! I love you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me... So when was number 2?" "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and....... you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you?... Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself.... and then you were in good shape again?... Well...." "Oh my god!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the school board.... And you were 67 votes short...." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSto keep the crazies from following you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED!my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station..... and that's how the fight started.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE GENIEThe genie informs him that he gets three wishes, but whatever he gets his ex-wife gets double. "How about $1,000,000?" he asked. "Your ex-wife now has $2,000,000 in her account as well," said the genie. "I've always wanted a Jaguar, how about that?" "Your wife now has two of those cars." For the last wish he had to think for a minute, "...could you beat me half to death?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SOUTHERN BELLESOne of them had just returned from a shopping trip to New York City. In her sweetest, southern voice she said: 'Do you know, that in New York City, there are men who have sex with other men. One replied: 'And what do they call them'... The Belle replied, 'They call them homosexuals' The Belle went on... 'And did you know that in New York City, there are women who have sex with other women?' The other Belle said... I do declare, whatever do they call them? The Belle replied, 'They are called, 'Lesbians.'' Finally the returned Belle said: 'And did you know, there are men in New York City who "French" kiss a girls most private parts.' 'Oh my goodness, and what do they call those men?' The Belle blushed and replied, 'I'm not sure what the women of New York call them, but I called them SWEETHEART.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MAN AND THE RABBI'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.' The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?' The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?' The man anxiously says, 'Yes.' 'Take the poison!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GEORGEThe doctor comes back and says, "George, I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS." George is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." George asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" "No, but it should give you a better understanding of what your ass is for." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ITALIAN GRANDMOTHER"Youa comma to the front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. Witha you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Comea inside, the elevator is ona the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'ma on the left. With you elbow, push my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but............. why am I pushing all these buttons with my elbow? "Whats-a-matter witha you??????????.... You gonna comma empty handed? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LITTLE OLD LADY"I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. The farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts - although still silent - stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WILD HAIRAn old guy sitting on the bus stares at him, and the punk says, "What's the matter, old man, didn't you ever do anything wild in your life?" And the old man says, "Yeah, one time I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND,... THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED!Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's how the fight started. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DAMN INCOME TAXESSt. Peter tells him that he cannot enter yet because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a dumb, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Ray decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So, off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Marcus up ahead with an even uglier woman. When he asks what's going on, Marcus replies 'I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.' They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now Marcus, Ray, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Russell up ahead. This man is with an absolutely gorgeous woman. Stunned, Marcus and Ray approach the man and discover it is their friend Russell. They ask him how it is he's with this unbelievable goddess, while they're stuck with these god-awful women. Russell replies, 'I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Every time we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, 'Damn income taxes!'.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THREE OLD MENThe doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply. The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man. The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BIRTH CONTROLThe patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked...... "Did I just see you swallow something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill." said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your lights, I knew I was gonna get screwed." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The American Diplomatwas being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his man-servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand Emir. " A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "American Diplomat sit on well." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE WIDOWThey loaded up Bob's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house..... and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. 'I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Not to worry,' Alex said, 'we'll be happy to sleep in the barn.' A year later, Alex got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?' 'Yes, I do.' 'Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house....... and have sex with her?' 'Yes, I have to admit that I did.' 'Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?' Bob's face turned red and he said, 'Yeah, I'm afraid I did.' 'Thanks Buddy! She just died and left me everything!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEfor a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First they called the brunette in and asked her a question. "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why? After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars..... because it seems so interesting about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet." They said, "Well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her. Next the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply she said, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Also saying, "thank you" and that they would get back to her. Next the Blonde entered the room and they asked her the same question. "What planet would you like to go to?" She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun." The people from NASA replied, "Why? don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?" The Blonde smirked and put her hands on her hips, and said........ "Boy, are you guys dumb? I'd go at night." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOCTOR, ENGINEER & LAWYERSeems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest profession. The Doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine." The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession." The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. "Ah," he says, "but who do you think created the Chaos?" 
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