STRANGE BUT TRUE
who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters,
officers discovered that the man was standing beside them
in the police line, shouting,
'Please come out and give yourself up.'
If they are holding a gun, she is probably upset!
When you check behind your shower curtin for Murderers...........
Just what do you intend to do when you find one?
and demanded all the money in the cash drawer.
Apparently, the take was too small,
so he tied up the store clerk.....
and worked the counter himself for three hours....
until police showed up and grabbed him
"How Stupid Can You Be?"
Too many people are taking it as a challenge.
IN THE CLASSROOM
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it.
Now, Johnny, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
JOHNNY: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
AND, ..... THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED!
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.'
So I opened my shirt revealing; my curly silver hair.
'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.'
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that's how the fight started.....
AN EXPENSIVE ROOM
twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours
and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man
explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the
clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and
a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also
explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,"
explains the manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says,
"this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business.
The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says 'OK, old fellow, time to retire.'
The old rooster says, 'You can't handle all these chickens.... look at what it did to me!'
The young rooster replies, 'Now, don't give me a hassle about this.
Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike.'
The old rooster says, 'Aw, c'mon..... just let me have the two old hens over in the corner and I won't bother you,'
The young rooster says, 'Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!'
So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster,
'I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse.
Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop.
And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?
The young rooster says, 'Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you,'
They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck 'Go!' and the old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.
They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!,
he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven.
He shakes his head gloomily and says to his wife 'Son of a bitch...
third gay rooster I bought this week!'
BLONDE'S MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coat hook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small tablet
Terminal Illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumor -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited
another Blonde in the middle of the wheat field rowing a row boat.
The driver Blonde turned to her friend and said
"You know - it's Blondes like her that give us a bad name!"
To this the other Blonde replied "I know it,
and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."
Written across the wall of the cave, were the following symbols.
In order of appearance: a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish & a star of David.
They believed this was a unique find and the writings were over three thousand years old.
They cut out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum
where archaeologists from all over the world,
came to study these ancient symbols.
Months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings, were followed by
a huge meeting with the media.
The president of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said,
'This looks like a woman.
We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem.
You can also tell they were intelligent,
as the symbol resembles a donkey,
so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort,
which means they even had tools to help them.
Even further proof of their high intelligence, is the fish,
which means that if a famine had hit the earth,
whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food.
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David,
which means they were evidently Hebrews.'
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Suddenly, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said,
'Oy Gevalt - you Meshuggah idiots!
Hebrew is read from right to left.
Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman!'
The professor emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class,
and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.
Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up,
"But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.
When the students had finally settled down, the professor gave the young man
a glaring look.....
"Well," he responded,
"I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
THE SICK BASTARD
He didnít take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives thru the cul-de-sac and changes the channels.
THE EAGLE & THE STUD
St. Peter said,
'I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down.
You'll have to go back to Earth for a week, but you can't go back as Priests.
So what else would you like to be?'
The first Priest says,
'I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring high above the Rocky Mountains.'
'So be it,' said St. Peter, and, 'POOF,' the first Priest is gone.
The second Priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,
'Will any of this new action on Earth 'count' on my Heavenly tally?'
'No, son, I told you the computer's down.
There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing this time around.'
'In that case,' says the second Priest, 'I've always wanted to be a stud!'
'So be it,' said St. Peter, and the second Priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two Priests.
'Will you have any difficulty locating them?' He asks.
'The first one should be easy,' says St. Peter.
'He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.
But the second one could prove to be more difficult.'
'Why?' asks the Lord.
'Near as I can tell, he's on a snow tire, somewhere in a North Dakota blizzard.'
After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter
being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said
"What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied "I am so sorry senor.
There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning.
If you come early tomorrow and place your order,
we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order
and was served the one and only delicacy of the day.
After inspecting the contents of his platter,
he called to the waiter and said,
"These are much, smaller than the ones I saw you served yesterday!"
The waiter promptly replied,
"Si senor,sometimes the bull wins!
The terrorists threatened that,
until all their demands were met,
they would release one lawyer every hour.
THE PREGNANT PROSTITUTE
The prostitute said,
"If you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
he meets a friend along the way....
the friend says to him...
"No replies the farmhand with the sheep....
gonna screw em both myself"!!
MORE....KIDS VIEW OF MARRIAGE AND RELATIONSHIPS
"When they're rich."
Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and
have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to
clean up after them."
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no
diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her
come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
Kirsten, age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the
same as they do now."
Roberta, age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
Ricky, age 10
SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE ,
I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT
WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY
WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS
SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS
WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH,
I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL ..
'YES. YES, I DID.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED,
FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED. . . .
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH'???
THE IRISH WEDDING
"Would all married men......
please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
MORE....KIDS VIEW OF MARRIAGE AND RELATIONSHIPS
"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8.
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them
interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and
make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
Craig, age 9
LAWYER & WITNESS....Q & A
WITNESS: All of them....... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
KIDS VIEW OF MARRIAGE AND RELATIONSHIPS
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports,
she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip
Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God
decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then."
Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."
Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same
Derrick, age 8
He got a stiff neck!
"What," asked the cannibal chief, licking his lips,
"was your job before you were captured?"
"I was a newspaper man," came the reply.
"No, merely a sub-editor."
"Cheer up. Promotion awaits you.
After dinner you will be editor-in-chief."
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the womanís husband.
NASTY BLONDE JOKES (from Brunettes)
She thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?
Q: What is the difference between a Blonde and King Arthur?
A: King Arthur only 'had' 10,000 men.
Q: How do you describe the perfect Blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.