 NAVAL CONFERENCEadmirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy. At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included personnel from both navies. The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you speak French?" Without hesitating the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it..... so you would not have to speak German." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SEX THERAPISTconfiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships. "Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly. "The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counselled the therapist. So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets.... until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon. When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments...... take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MENTAL PATIENTSOne day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act...... he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital. He now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, 'Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is..... you're being discharged because you were able to jump in the pool and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.' The bad news is........ Jim, the patient you saved....... hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Mary replied 'He didn't hang himself....... I put him there to dry.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER & WITNESS....Q & AWITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE HUNTERSHe doesn't seem to be breathing. The other whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps out to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: 'Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: 'OK, now what?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE UNFAITHFUL WIFEMad with rage, he shot her dead. The Southern jury brought in a verdict of justifiable homicide. As he was leaving the courtroom a free man, his friend asked, "Why did you shoot your wife instead of her lover?" "Suh," he replied, "I decided it was better to shoot my wife once......... than a different man each week." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ //--> THE DOBERMAN PINSCHER‘Yeah, I do,’ a tattooed biker says, standing up. ‘What about it?’ “Well, I think my little scotty terrier just killed him.’ ‘What are you talkin’ about?’ the biker says, disbelievingly. ‘How could your little runt kill my Doberman?’ ‘Well,’ mumbled Jack, ‘it appears that he got stuck in your dog’s throat.’ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE RESTAURANTwhen the waitress asks for his order, he says "I want a quickie" She slaps his face and says, "Now would you please give me your order?" Again, he says, " I want a quickie" She slaps him again and says, " I'll give you one last chance, what do you want?" Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man, "I think it's pronounced QUICHE." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DEAD FROGHe slaps a hundred dollars on the counter and says, Gimmie a whore with herpes. The woman behind the counter said she couldn't possibly give him a whore with herpes. So the little boy slapped two hundred more dollars on the table and insisted, Gimmie a whore with herpes. The woman sighed and said, go up the stairs and down the hall, third door on the left. The little boy did, he came back down ten minutes later and starts to leave but the woman stops him. Can I ask you a question? she asked. The little boy nodded. Why did you want a whore with herpes? she asked. Well, the little boy explained, I have herpes now,... I'll give it to the baby sitter,... she'll give it to my dad,... My dad will give it to my mom,... My mom will give it to the neighbor,... Who will give it to his wife,... She'll give it to the mailman,... and...... He's the bastard who ran over my frog! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER & WITNESS....Q & AWITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget?....... Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RETIREMENT BLISS“A hard time? As rich as you are you shouldn’t be going through any hard times. I know you don’t have to work.” “Yes, but I don’t really have any money,” he said. “Those millions of dollars belong to my father. He just gives me an allowance every month.” “How is the old man doing anyway? “He has one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel,” John said. “Two years ago he had a talk with me and said the doctors had told him he could die any day.” “That’s too bad,” I said. “Then he said that as his only relative I stood to inherit thirty million dollars. Now I know I am not a good-looking guy. As a matter of fact, I’m as ugly as an English bulldog.” “You’re not that bad.” “Yes I am and I know it but I always dreamed of marrying a beautiful woman. In Las Vegas I met a beautiful showgirl and I told her that I was soon going to inherit thirty million dollars. I asked if she would marry me.” “What did she say? Did she go for it?” “Of course. We got engaged and I took her home to meet my dad. Three days later she became my stepmother.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SHIPWRECKThey found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, cautiously leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NASTY REDNECK JOKESA: I-75 A West Virginian came home and found his house on fire..... rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?" Q: Why do folks in Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? A: 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ITALIAN VIRGINSHowever, they have no idea what there supposed to do once they get to their hotel room. The newlyweds decide to call the groom's mother and get some advice on what to do. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there. The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens. He calls his mother back to find out what to do next. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and nature should takes its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still nothing. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation she says, 'Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!' and hangs up on him. A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back, 'Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DRUNK TESTHe goes up to the guy's window and says, 'Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube.' The man says, 'Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack.' 'Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.' 'I can't do that either. I am a haemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.' 'Well, then, we need a urine sample.' 'I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic..... If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar.' 'All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.' 'I can't do that, officer.' 'Why not?' 'Because I'm drunk.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUG STOREwhen the boy noticed the condom display. He said, "Daddy, what are those?" His father replied, "those are condoms son and they are used for safe sex". The boy said,"oh, I've heard of that in school". He noticed the three pack and said to his father, "Daddy, who uses those". His father replied, "those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday" Then the boy looked at the six pack and said, "Daddy, who uses those". His father replied, "son, those are for college boys. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday". "Oh" the boy says. Then the boy looks at a big twelve pack and says, "and Daddy, who uses these". His father looks at him one last time and says, "Son, those are for married men, One for January, one for February, one for March....... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE HAREMOne day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FERTILITY DOCTORThe man started to get suspicious of the activities of his wife at the local fertility clinic. He decided the next day to follow her on her way to the clinic. He stood there watching as she went inside and she closed the door. He slowly went up to the door and peeked through the keyhole. What he saw was shocking, sure enough his wife was having sex on the floor with their fertility doctor. He barged into the room and started screaming at them. The doctor remained very calm, even when the police showed up, he was still cool as ice. The couple had wanted the fertility treatments.......... the doctor explained in his court defense. “I was giving his wife her last doses of pregnancy medicine for that day”. He also mentioned that he didn’t even charge her for his services! Unless the result happened to be pregnancy! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FORMER PRESIDENTSFord says: What do we do? Bush says: Man the lifeboats. Reagan says: What lifeboats? Carter says: Women first. Nixon says: Screw the women........ and Bill Clinton says: You think we have time? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO WHALESThe male whale recognized it as the same ship that harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female: "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. This they tried and, sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. Enraged, the male whale told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore. At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FOUR SINNERSSt. Peter says to the first one, "Have you ever touched a penis before." The nun says "Yeah, with my finger." St. Peter says, "Dip your finger in the holy water before you enter." The second one says, "With my hand." And she has to dip her whole hand in. The third one's about to answer, but the fourth one pushes her out of the way and shouts, "IF YOU THINK IM GOING TO GARGLE WITH THAT WATER AFTER SHE'S STUCK HER ASS IN IT, YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUG STOREI was waited on by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked how big I was and I said, "Compared to what?" She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that." Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that." Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm about that big." She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BLONDE AND THE LAWYERThe lawyer asks if she would like to play a game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says,"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RETIREMENT BLISS“I’ll do it!” he said. “I’m going to Ladies Night tonight and if I get into a conversation with a woman I’m going to tell her exactly how I feel.” John stopped by to have coffee with me on Friday. He had a black eye and a bandage on his forehead. “What happened to you?” I asked. “It’s all your fault, he said. “You told me to speak up to women and say what’s on my mind.” “What does that have to do with your black eye?” “It was at Ladies’ Night,” he said. “I was standing by the bar checking out the dancers. All of a sudden somebody grabbed my butt and said, ‘Nice buns.’ I turned around to face a fat, ugly girl with bad breath. She said, ‘Hey, cutie. Do you have a phone number?’ I said, ‘Do you have a pen?’ She said, ‘I sure do.’ The last thing I remember saying was .......... "If you have a pen you’d better get back in it before the farmer misses you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FROG STORY"help me, help me." She looks around and follows the quiet voice to a bush near the path. Looking under the bush she spies a little green frog trapped under a log. The girl moves the log and picks up the frog. "Oh, thank you, thank you," says the frog. "Take me home and put me on your pillow and in the morning I'll be a handsome Prince." So the girl takes the frog home and puts him on the pillow and there in the morning is a handsome prince. You don't believe this story? Neither did her mother! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUG STORE'Excuse me, ma'am,' he stammered, 'may I speak to the pharmacist?' 'Son,' the old woman said, 'I am the pharmacist. It's just my sister and me here. What can I do for you?' The customer said, 'Ah, well, it's rather embarrassing.' 'Young man, we've heard everything,' she assured him. 'Please, don't be nervous.' 'Well, I've had this huge erection for three days and can't get rid of it. What can you give me for it?' 'Wait here. I'll be right back,' she said, walking into the office. A few minutes later, she stepped back to the counter... 'My sister and I can give you twenty percent of the business and $4000 cash.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The G SPOTA man will spend hours looking for the golf ball! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MONKEYThere was no evidence of another vehicle being involved. Both the driver and passenger were dead. As he looked upon the wreckage, a tiny monkey skipped out of the bush and sat at the cops feet. The cop looked down at the little monkey and said, "boy I wish you could talk." The monkey looked at the cop and motioned his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" the cop asked. Again the monkey nodded his head affirmative. "Well, did u see what happened?" "yes" motioned the monkey. "Tell me what happened." The monkey pretended to open and drink a beer. "They were drinking?" asked the cop. "Yes" nodded the monkey, who then pinched his finger and thumb together and held it to his mouth. "And smoking marijuana?" The cleaver monkey again nodded yes. "What else." asked the cop? The monkey made a circle with his thumb and index finger on one hand, and with the other hand, inserted the middle finger in and out, "You mean they were having sex, too?" "Yes" nodded the monkey, "So you're telling me they were both drunk and stoned and otherwise occupied before crashing." "Yes" nodded the monkey, "And what were you doing during this time?" "Driving" the monkey motioned. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER & WITNESS....Q & AWITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LITTLE JOHNNYDoc. said, how did such a thing happen? Johnny said...... "It's that damn neighbor girl Suzy. Her braces are too darned sharp."" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEA: Third Grade. 
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