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February 2019

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NEW Added on 2/28/2019


ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep ,

he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


NEW Added on 2/27/2019


A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie pops out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish'.

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.

'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world'.

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep.

'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life'.

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up', the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'.


NEW Added on 2/26/2019



NEW Added on 2/25/2019


An elderly Jewish woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist,

"Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace,
emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you're not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.

"I know," she said.

"It's in case I should die before my husband.

I'm sure he will remarry right away,

and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."


NEW Added on 2/24/2019


Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip

around the sun every year.


NEW Added on 2/23/2019


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that the autopsy began?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.


NEW Added on 2/22/2019


There was a young lady from Nizes....

Who had breasts of two different sizes.

One was small, it was nothing at all......

But the other was large and won prizes.


NEW Added on 2/21/2019


Two Blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a Blonde....

in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver Blonde turned to her friend and said

"You know - it's Blondes like her that give us a bad name!"

To this the other Blonde replied "I know it,

and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."


NEW Added on 2/20/2019


A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar,

and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket,

then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket

and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says,

'Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long.

But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.'

The customer replies,

'I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.

When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home.'


NEW Added on 2/19/2019


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?


ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?


ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?


ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?


ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


NEW Added on 2/18/2019


A little girl asked her Mom,

"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. He's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says,

"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?

I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent.

"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said,

"She ran out of gas about halfway down the block......

so another dog is pushing her home."


NEW Added on 2/17/2019


Q: Why do Blondes have big bellybuttons?

A: From dating Blonde men.

Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?

A: So they know what day of the week it is.


NEW Added on 2/16/2019


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!


NEW Added on 2/15/2019



NEW Added on 2/14/2019


In a small town in New Jersey,

there is a large factory that hires only married men.

Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him,

"Why is it you limit your employees to married men?

Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied.

"It is because our employees are used to obeying orders,

are accustomed to being shoved around,

know how to keep their mouths shut...

and don't pout when I yell at them."


NEW Added on 2/13/2019


Two Blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock
the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:

Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder,
its starting to rain and the top is down!


NEW Added on 2/12/2019


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?


NEW Added on 2/11/2019


An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids

that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,

"Your hearing is perfect.

Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied,

"Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations.

I've changed my will three times!"


NEW Added on 2/10/2019


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?


ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid


NEW Added on 2/9/2019


Once upon a time there lived a king.

The king had a beautiful daughter.

Everything the girl touched, would melt.

No matter what, metal, wood, plastic, etc.

Everything she touched would melt!

Because of this, men were afraid of her and nobody would dare to marry her.

One day a wizard told the king,

"If your daughter touches one thing that would not melt in her hands,
her problem will be cured."

The king was overjoyed.

The next day, he held a competition, any man that can bring his daughter
an object that would not melt, gets to marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest
and will not melt.

But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted!

The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought a very hard alloy,

but the same thing he too went away.

The third prince told the princess,

"Put your hand in my pocket and feel it"

The princess did as told, though turning red.

Ta Da! It did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed!!!

And, the third prince lived happily with the princess ever after........

Question: What was the object?

(Scroll down for the answer)
Answer: M&Ms , melts in your mouth and not in your hands!

(what were you thinking ????????)


NEW Added on 2/8/2019


ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.


NEW Added on 2/7/2019


A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel, when they came upon a cave.

Written across the wall of the cave, were the following symbols.

In order of appearance: a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish & a star of David.

They believed this was a unique find and the writings were over three thousand years old.

They cut out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum

where archaeologists from all over the world,

came to study these ancient symbols.

Months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings, were followed by

a huge meeting with the media.

The president of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said,

'This looks like a woman.

We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem.

You can also tell they were intelligent,

as the symbol resembles a donkey,

so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort,

which means they even had tools to help them.

Even further proof of their high intelligence, is the fish,

which means that if a famine had hit the earth,

whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food.

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David,

which means they were evidently Hebrews.'

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Suddenly, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said,

'Oy Gevalt - you Meshuggah idiots!

Hebrew is read from right to left.

It says,

Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman!'


NEW Added on 2/6/2019


The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class.

The professor emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class,

and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.

Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up,

"But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.

When the students had finally settled down, the professor gave the young man a glaring look.....

"Well," he responded,

"I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."


NEW Added on 2/5/2019


A guy broke into my home last week.

He didnít take my TV, just the remote.

Now he drives thru the cul-de-sac and changes the channels.

Sick bastard!


NEW Added on 2/4/2019

The Eagle & The Stud

Two Priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said,

'I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down.

You'll have to go back to Earth for a week, but you can't go back as Priests.

So what else would you like to be?'

The first Priest says,

'I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring high above the Rocky Mountains.'

'So be it,' said St. Peter, and, 'POOF,' the first Priest is gone.

The second Priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,

'Will any of this new action on Earth 'count' on my Heavenly tally?'

'No, son, I told you the computer's down.

There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing this time around.'

'In that case,' says the second Priest, 'I've always wanted to be a stud!'

'So be it,' said St. Peter, and the second Priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two Priests.

'Will you have any difficulty locating them?' He asks.

'The first one should be easy,' says St. Peter.

'He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.

But the second one could prove to be more difficult.'

'Why?' asks the Lord.

'Near as I can tell, he's on a snow tire, somewhere in a North Dakota blizzard.'


NEW Added on 2/3/2019


Anally -- occurring yearly

Artery -- study of paintings

Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria

Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails

Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U

Caesarian section -- district in Rome

Cat scan -- searching for kitty

Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her

Colic -- sheep dog

Coma -- a punctuation mark

Congenital -- friendly

D&C -- where Washington is

Diarrhea -- journal of daily events

Dilate -- to live long

Enema -- not a friend

Fester -- quicker

Fibula -- a small lie

Genital -- non-Jewish

G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game

Grippe -- suitcase

Hangnail -- coat hook

Impotent -- distinguished, well known

Intense pain -- torture in a teepee

Labor pain -- got hurt at work

Medical staff -- doctor's cane

Morbid -- higher offer

Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate

Node -- was aware of

Outpatient -- person who had fainted

Pap smear -- fatherhood test

Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis

Post operative -- letter carrier

Protein -- favouring young people

Rectum -- damn near killed 'em

Recovery room -- place to do upholstery

Rheumatic -- amorous

Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf

Secretion -- hiding anything

Seizure -- Roman emperor

Serology -- study of knighthood

Tablet -- small tablet

Terminal Illness -- sickness at airport

Tibia -- country in North Africa

Tumor -- an extra pair

Urine -- opposite of you're out

Varicose -- located nearby

Vein -- conceited


NEW Added on 2/2/2019


George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing
white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.

The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired,

"Aren't you Moses?"

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again,

"Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again,

"Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice,

"Yes I am."

George W. asked him why he was so unfriendly and Moses replied,

"The last time I spoke to a bush I had to spend 40 years in the desert.


NEW Added on 2/1/2019


A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens.

The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business.

The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says 'OK, old fellow, time to retire.'

The old rooster says, 'You can't handle all these chickens.... look at what it did to me!'

The young rooster replies, 'Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside
and the young to take over, so take a hike.'

The old rooster says, 'Aw, c'mon..... just let me have the two old hens over in the corner
and I won't bother you,'

The young rooster says, 'Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!'

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster,'I'll tell you what,
young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse.

Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop.

And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?

The young rooster says, 'Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you,'

They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck 'Go!'
and the old rooster takes off running.

About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.

They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind
the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!,
he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven.

He shakes his head gloomily and says to his wife 'Son of a bitch...

third gay rooster I bought this week!'