 THE WIT and THE WISDOM of HOMER SIMPSONIDs." *"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!" *"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life: Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'" *"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'" *"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get." *"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such." *"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way." *"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name? *"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NURSE JENNY'She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.' said one doctor. 'Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!' The second doctor said, 'That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!' Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall, 'Oh my God!' said the first doctor, 'I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ INVENTIONS"Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the car, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven." So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang with Adam, the first man." So, Saint Peter points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of the woman?" Adam says, "Yes." "Well, says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much front end protrusion. 2. It chatters at high speeds. 3. The rear end wobbles too much. 4. And the intake is placed too close to the exhaust." "Hmmm...", says Adam, "Hold on." So Adam goes to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Henry Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to our supercomputer, more men are riding my invention than yours." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEWhen the man tells her it will be $300 She exclaims... "I don't have any money...... but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland !!!! " To that the man asks.... "Anything"?? And the Blonde says "yes.... Anything"!! With that, the man says "Follow me"..... He walks into the next room and tells her "Come in and close the door"....She does!! He then says "Get on your knees"..She does!!.. He then says take down my zipper"..She does!!... He then says "Go ahead... Take it out" With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!! The man then says "Well.. Go ahead"!!... She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips.... She says "HELLO, MOM"???? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ STRANGE STORIESa Bank of America branch without a weapon. He used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ITALIAN BUILDERSThey walked in the office and said, "We need one-a hundred four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" Salvatore said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "At-sa right, am-a need one-a hundred two-by-fours." "Alright", said the clerk. "How long do you want them?" Salvatore paused for a minute and said, "Uh...I'd better go check." After a while, Salvatore returned to the office and said, "We gonna need them a-longa time, we gonna build-a a house." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ STRANGE STORIESand forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEQ. What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a Blonde? A. The prostitute says.... "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho says.... "Are you done already?" The Blonde says..... "Beige.... I think I'll paint the ceiling Beige. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEN on WOMEN(It's Payback time!)(Submitted by men)Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 90 percent of her intelligence?... A. Divorced! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? A. Because a man's sperm will not stop and ask for directions. . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers? A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEN on WOMEN(It's Payback time!)(Submitted by men)Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? A. When the first words out of her mouth are....... "A man once said"! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? A. Telling you his real name. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEN on WOMEN(It's Payback time!)(Submitted by men)Q. If your wife is knocking at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door.......... which one do you let in? A. The dog! Because at least when you let him in he'll shut up! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)A. Trustworthy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GOLF JOKEShe enters to the pro shop and says, "I have a complaint. I was just bitten by an ant on your course." The pro replies, where did you get bitten, miss? She responds, "between the first and second holes" The pro thinks a second and says, "miss, if I were you, I'd narrow my stance!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ELDERLY MARRIAGEto marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather hopefully. 'Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently,' she responded. The old guy paused.... then he asked, 'Was that one word or two?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN LOVE WITH MY DENTISTShe confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist ...and she was going to propose to him. Her friend said, " Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why this dentist?" "Because he is the First man that ever said to me......... SPIT, don't SWALLOW." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BAR"Pour me a stiff one, Eddie, I just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" asked Eddie. "And how'd this one end?" "When it was over, "Harry replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees." "Really?" Now that's a switch! What did she say?" "She said, Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SATISFACTIONthe man asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you are fully satisfied?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND, ..... THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED!The waiter, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's how the fight started..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE NURSEShoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast........ and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems O.K. but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again, she seems O.K. but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEBreast Stroke Competition. The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the Blonde finally arrived. The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down.......... she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to sound like a bad loser but, I think those other girls used their arms." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CANNIBALWhile enjoying the soup, the friend said, "Your wife sure makes a delicious soup!" The cannibal replied, "Yes, and I'm really going to miss her." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IRVING YOU PIGHe was a loathsome pig of a man! She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, 'Irving You Pig....... remember that fur coat you promised me?' She answered by saying, 'I bought it with the insurance money!' She then said, 'Irving You Pig......... remember that new car you promised me?' She answered again saying, 'Well, I bought it with the insurance money!' Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, 'Irving You Pig......... remember the night you said you wanted me to blow you? Well......... Here it comes.....' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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HAPPY NEW YEAR