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"So Much Beauty, So Little Time..." ...A.H.


January 2019

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NEW Added on 1/31/2019


*"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake

*"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

*"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you
through life: Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"

*"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby,
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

*"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or
lose: it's how drunk you get."

*"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that
girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing
and such and such."

*"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day
and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

*"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives
those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?

*"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a


NEW Added on 1/30/2019


Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny.

'She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.' said one doctor.

'Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours.

She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!'

The second doctor said, 'That's nothing.

Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.

She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!'

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall,

'Oh my God!' said the first doctor,

'I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!'


NEW Added on 1/29/2019


Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gate, Saint Peter tells Ford,

"Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the car, changed the world.

As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."

So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says,

"I wanna hang with Adam, the first man."

So, Saint Peter points Adam out to Ford.

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks,

"Hey, aren't you the inventor of the woman?"

Adam says, "Yes."

"Well, says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion.

2. It chatters at high speeds.

3. The rear end wobbles too much.

4. And the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm...", says Adam, "Hold on."

So Adam goes to the celestial supercomputer,

types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.

The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.

He then says to Henry Ford,

"It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to our supercomputer,

more men are riding my invention than yours."


NEW Added on 1/28/2019


A Blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland.

When the man tells her it will be $300 She exclaims...

"I don't have any money......

but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland !!!! "

To that the man asks.... "Anything"??

And the Blonde says "yes.... Anything"!!

With that, the man says "Follow me".....

He walks into the next room and tells her "Come in and close the door"....She does!!

He then says "Get on your knees"..She does!!..

He then says take down my zipper"..She does!!...

He then says "Go ahead... Take it out"

With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!!

The man then says "Well.. Go ahead"!!...

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips....

She says "HELLO, MOM"????


NEW Added on 1/27/2019


In Modesto, CA, a man was arrested for trying to hold up

a Bank of America branch without a weapon.

He used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun.

Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.


NEW Added on 1/26/2019


Salvatore and Guiseppe drove into a lumberyard.

They walked in the office and said,

"We need one-a hundred four-by-twos."

The clerk said,

"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

Salvatore said,

"I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned a minute later and said,

"At-sa right, am-a need one-a hundred two-by-fours."

"Alright", said the clerk.

"How long do you want them?"

Salvatore paused for a minute and said,

"Uh...I'd better go check."

After a while, Salvatore returned to the office and said,

"We gonna need them a-longa time,

we gonna build-a a house."


NEW Added on 1/25/2019


An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist

and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines,

wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money

from his own bank accounts


NEW Added on 1/24/2019


Q. What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a Blonde?

A. The prostitute says....

"Aren't you done yet?"

The nympho says....

"Are you done already?"

The Blonde says.....


I think I'll paint the ceiling Beige.


NEW Added on 1/23/2019


(It's Payback time!)(Submitted by men)

Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 90 percent of her intelligence?...

A. Divorced!


NEW Added on 1/22/2019


(Submitted by women)

Q. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

A. Because a man's sperm will not stop and ask for directions. .


NEW Added on 1/21/2019


(Submitted by women)

Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.


NEW Added on 1/20/2019


(Submitted by women)

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?

A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.


NEW Added on 1/19/2019


(Submitted by women)

Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?

A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.


NEW Added on 1/18/2019


(It's Payback time!)(Submitted by men)

Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

A. When the first words out of her mouth are....... "A man once said"!


NEW Added on 1/17/2019


(Submitted by women)

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.


NEW Added on 1/16/2019


(Submitted by women)

Q. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?

A. Telling you his real name.


NEW Added on 1/15/2019


(Submitted by women)

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?

A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.


NEW Added on 1/14/2019


(Submitted by women)

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.


NEW Added on 1/13/2019


(It's Payback time!)(Submitted by men)

Q. If your wife is knocking at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door.......... which one do you let in?

A. The dog! Because at least when you let him in he'll shut up!


NEW Added on 1/12/2019


(Submitted by women)

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?

A. Trustworthy.


NEW Added on 1/11/2019


A lady goes golfing and gets bitten by an ant.

She enters to the pro shop and says,

"I have a complaint.

I was just bitten by an ant on your course."

The pro replies,

where did you get bitten, miss?

She responds,

"between the first and second holes"

The pro thinks a second and says,

"miss, if I were you,

I'd narrow my stance!"


NEW Added on 1/10/2019


An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time
to marry.

Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how
their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of
their connubial relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather hopefully.

'Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently,' she responded.

The old guy paused.... then he asked,

'Was that one word or two?'


NEW Added on 1/9/2019


Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist.

She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist
...and she was going to propose to him.

Her friend said,

" Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you.

Why this dentist?"

"Because he is the First man that ever said to me.........



NEW Added on 1/8/2019


Walking into the bar, Harry said to the bartender,

"Pour me a stiff one, Eddie, I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" asked Eddie. "And how'd this one end?"

"When it was over, "Harry replied,

"She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really?" Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

"She said,

Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel."


NEW Added on 1/7/2019


Tired of a listless sex life,

the man asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,

"How come you never tell me when you are fully satisfied?"

She glanced at him casually and replied,

"You're never home!"


NEW Added on 1/6/2019


I took my wife to a restaurant in London.

The waiter, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started.....


NEW Added on 1/5/2019


One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home,

hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast........

and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems O.K. but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems O.K. but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.

The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here?

Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies.

"Except they won't let you fart."


NEW Added on 1/4/2019


A Blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English Channel
Breast Stroke Competition.

The redhead won and the brunette came in second.

However, there was no sign of the final contestant.

Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry.

Just as everyone was losing hope, the Blonde finally arrived.

The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her.

They embraced the young girl as she came ashore.

After all of the excitement died down..........

she leaned over to the judge and whispered,

"I hate to sound like a bad loser but,

I think those other girls used their arms."


NEW Added on 1/3/2019


A cannibal invited a friend over for supper one evening.

While enjoying the soup, the friend said,

"Your wife sure makes a delicious soup!"

The cannibal replied,

"Yes, and I'm really going to miss her."


NEW Added on 1/2/2019


A woman recently lost her husband Irving,

He was a loathsome pig of a man!

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,

'Irving You Pig.......

remember that fur coat you promised me?'

She answered by saying,

'I bought it with the insurance money!'

She then said,

'Irving You Pig.........

remember that new car you promised me?'

She answered again saying,

'Well, I bought it with the insurance money!'

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said,

'Irving You Pig.........

remember the night you said you wanted me to blow you?


Here it comes.....'


NEW Added on 1/1/2019


Alex's Suggested New Year's Resolution.............

Have Fun in 2019............

Wave to all the other cars at 4-way stops..... :-)

It will take other drivers a minute to adjust to this friendly wave,

but it also breaks down the invisibility of other drivers.

They will know there's an actual human being behind the wheel of your car.

WARNING: This friendly act may be misinterpreted and cause gunfire in
New York City and South L.A.

Happy New Year,