 Hillary Clintononly to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's about to run for President and this has happened to her. She calls Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???" There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me??!!" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICEthe doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago ..." "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, 'No, everything is fine.' 'Are you sure?' she asked. 'I'm sure,' I said. 'Isn't there anything I can do for you?' she wanted to know. 'I reckon not,'I replied." "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ UNDERSTANDING THE OIL CRISISWell, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in : ALASKA California Coastal Florida Coastal Louisiana Wyoming Colorado Kansas Oklahoma Pennsylvania and Texas Our dipsticks are located in DC Any Questions? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE AMBITIONA. To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ALZHEIMER'Swhen an ice-cream truck comes down the street. 'Do you want one?' asks Art. 'Yes, I'll have a chocolate cone, but write it down or otherwise you'll forget' says Chris. 'No I won't' says Art. 'Look, I want a chocolate cone with chocolate flakes, and I know you'll forget, so write it down' says Chris. 'I won't forget' says Art, getting slightly irritated. 'OK then, look - I want a chocolate cone with chocolate flakes, and strawberry sauce. Now write it down or you WILL forget' says Chris. Art is getting quite miffed now and still argues that he won't forget. Chris says irritably 'I want a chocolate cone with chocolate flakes, and strawberry sauce with hundreds and thousands of little chopped nuts sprinkled all over. You won't remember all that so WRITE IT DOWN!' Art, now really annoyed, walks off and five minutes later comes back with a hot dog. Chris looks at him and says 'Where's my french fries?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RULES FOR MEN AND WOMENWine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her. HOW A WOMAN SHOULD TREAT A MAN: Show up naked. Bring beer, pizza & chicken wings. Don't block the TV. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For Women Onlywhen they see a five story hotel with a sign that reads 'For Women Only'. Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. 'We have five floors... go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside' So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads 'All the men here have it short and thin' The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads 'All the men here have it long and thin'. Still, this wasn't good enough so the friends move up to the third floor, where the sign read 'All the men here have it short and thick'. This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are still two floors left, they move on to the next floor. In the fourth floor, the sign was perfect.... 'All the men here have it long and thick.' The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is one floor left. Wondering what they were missing, they go to the fifth floor, where the sign reads 'There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKESA: Introduces herself. Q: How can you tell when a Blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead. Q: How can you tell who is a Blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead. Q: What two things in the air can get a Blonde pregnant? A: Her feet! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ QUESTION TO PONDER...how do they get the casket lid shut? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE JEWISH GRANDMOTHERwho is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, push my doorbell. OK?" "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, Why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ......... "What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WISE ITALIAN GRANDFATHERHe calls his grandson to his bedside, "Salvatore, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. " "Somma day you gonna come-a home and.... maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say..... 'Times up!' "? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AMAZING KAZOO PLAYER~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN AND BACON#2. Women taste wonderful........ Just like Bacon #3. Women will slowly kill you... Just like Bacon ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A MAN'S PERFECT DAY6:00 Alarm. 6:15 Blowjob. 6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section of USA Today. 7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee. 7:30 Limo arrives. 7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport. 8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club. 9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par. 11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens. 12:15 Blowjob. 12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par. 14:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis. 14:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap. 15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew. 16:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1249 lbs. 17:00 Jet back home. En route, get a nude massage from Megan Fox. 19:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Trump resigns. 19:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 0z. New York strip. 21:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar. 22:00 Have sex with twin 21 year-old nymphomaniacs. 23:00 A nude massage from Vanessa Marcil and a Jacuzzi. 23:45 Go to bed. 23:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room. 23:55 Laugh yourself to sleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A WOMAN'S PERFECT DAY8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday. 8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants. 9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil. 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer. 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out. 12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe. 12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs. 13:00 Shopping with friends. 14:00 Nap. 16:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer. 16:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage. 17:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror. 19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing. 22:00 Hot shower. Alone. 22:30 Make love. 23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling. 23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE CLASSROOMSTUDENT: Class started before I got here. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PENGUINHe gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the ground. So he drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic says he has a few other cars to look at first and if he comes back in an hour he should have a diagnosis. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. A few blocks away he finds an ice cream shop and thinks: 'a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will hit the spot on a hot day like this'. So he sits down at the counter and orders a big bowl of vanilla ice cream. After messily devouring the ice cream, the penguin returns to the garage. 'Did you find out what was wrong with my car?' asks the penguin. 'It looks like you've blown a seal,' replies the mechanic. 'No, no,' the penguin says, 'it's just ice cream.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FARMERIt happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. So, he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and ..... voila, everything else was automatic!! He really had good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less, but still without success. Panicking, he called the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. The farmer: "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow's udder?" Customer Service: "Don't worry. The machine was programmed that it will release automatically after collecting about 2 quarts of milk." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MY FIRST TIMEThe moon was high All alone just she and I. Her hair was soft Her eyes were blue I knew just what she wanted to do. Her skin so soft Her legs so fine I ran my fingers down her spine. I didn't know how But I tried my best I started by placing my hands on her breast. I remember my fear my fast beating heart But slowly she spread her legs apart And when I did it I felt no shame. All at once the white stuff came At last it's finished it's all over now My first time ever at milking a cow..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEOne of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell down and hurt ourselves. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I LOVE YOU"English . . . . . . . . . .I Love You Spanish . . . . . . .. . Te Amo French . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime German . . . . . . . . . .lch Liebe Dich Japanese . . . . . . .. .Ai Shite Imasu Italian . . . . . . . . . .. Ti Amo Chinese . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni Swedish . . . . . . . . . .Jag Alskar Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, West Virginia, Mississippi and Kentucky:... ... Wa-Hoo lookit them Tits!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ROBOTHe decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that day. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son . Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he is certainly your son ." The robot slaps the mother. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TRAILER TRASH?I'm tired of paying property taxes, school taxes, state taxes, etc. I want to live more independently. Some may say I'll become trailer trash so I want your opinion before I make this decision.             ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE VENTRILOQUISTWith his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb Blonde jokes when a Blonde woman at the other end of the bar begins shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid Blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only Blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humor!'' The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the Blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TEXAS BAR / TAVERN SUES CHURCHon a new building to increase their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, 'I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AIRPLANE RIDEon an airplane. The model from Texas, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y'all from?" The New York model said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The model from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all from, bitch?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PEGGY SUEBobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool." says Bobby. Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?" "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll Screw all night if we let her!" Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby. About 20 minutes later....... a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house,........ slams the door behind her and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY!........ THE TWIST!......... IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONDOM SIZING"What size?" asked the blonde pharmacist's assistant sweetly. When he admitted he wasn't sure of his size. The blonde led him into the back room, lifted her skirt and told him to enter her. He was delighted to oblige. "Size six," she told him after a moment. "Now, take it out honey. How many?" Harry bought a dozen, and on his way home, he ran into his friend Tom. Harry eagerly told Tom the whole story. Tom rushed down to the drugstore to place on order, "But I'm afraid I don't know my size," he told the sales girl. So the blonde led him in to the back room and repeated the procedure. "Size seven, Sir. Now take it out please. How many?" But Tom kept on going until he was done. "None, thanks," he told her, zipping up his pants and grinning. "I just came in for a fitting." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKES"Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?" Did you hear about the Blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? She got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia... A government study has shown that Blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FIREMANa little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the Wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, "that sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren." 
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