NEW Added on 9/30/2018
One day, an American was touring Spain.
After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter
being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said
"What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied "I am so sorry senor.
There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning.
If you come early tomorrow and place your order,
we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order
and was served the one and only delicacy of the day.
After inspecting the contents of his platter,
he called to the waiter and said,
"These are much, smaller than the ones I saw you served yesterday!"
The waiter promptly replied,
"Si senor,sometimes the bull wins!
NEW Added on 9/29/2018
An airplane full of lawyers was hijacked.
The terrorists threatened that,
until all their demands were met,
they would release one lawyer every hour.
NEW Added on9/28/2018
THE PREGNANT PROSTITUTE
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?"
The prostitute said,
"If you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
NEW Added on 9/27/2018
A farmhand is walking down the road with a sheep under each arm
he meets a friend along the way....
the friend says to him...
"No replies the farmhand with the sheep....
gonna screw em both myself"!!
NEW Added on 9/26/2018
MORE....KIDS VIEW OF MARRIAGE AND RELATIONSHIPS
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich."
Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and
have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to
clean up after them."
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no
diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her
come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
Kirsten, age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the
same as they do now."
Roberta, age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
Ricky, age 10
NEW Added on 9/25/2018
NASTY BLONDE JOKES (from Brunettes)
What did the Blond think her "love handles" were?
She thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?
Q: What is the difference between a Blonde and King Arthur?
A: King Arthur only 'had' 10,000 men.
Q: How do you describe the perfect Blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
NEW Added on 9/24/2018
A man was captured by cannibals.
"What," asked the cannibal chief, licking his lips,
"was your job before you were captured?"
"I was a newspaper man," came the reply.
"No, merely a sub-editor."
"Cheer up. Promotion awaits you.
After dinner you will be editor-in-chief."
NEW Added on 9/23/2018
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE
SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE ,
I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT
WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY
WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS
SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS
WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH,
I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN
PARK HIGH SCHOOL ..
'YES. YES, I DID.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED,
FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED. . . .
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH'???
NEW Added on 9/22/2018
THE IRISH WEDDING
At the Irish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men......
please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
NEW Added on 9/21/2018
MORE....KIDS VIEW OF MARRIAGE AND RELATIONSHIPS
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8.
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them
interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and
make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
Craig, age 9
NEW Added on 9/20/2018
AN EXPENSIVE ROOM
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost
twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours
and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man
explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the
clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and
a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also
explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,"
explains the manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says,
"this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
NEW Added on 9/19/2018
KIDS VIEW OF MARRIAGE AND RELATIONSHIPS
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports,
she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip
Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God
decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then."
Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."
Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same
Derrick, age 8
NEW Added on 9/18/2018
Condoms donít guarantee safe sex anymore ..
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the womanís husband.
NEW Added on 9/17/2018
Did you hear about the guy who choked on viagra?
He got a stiff neck!
NEW Added on 9/16/2018
A truly happy person is one who
can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
NEW Added on 9/15/2018
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here.
Red meat is awful.
Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
Vegetables can be disastrous,
and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, ' Wedding cake.'
NEW Added on 9/14/2018
ADAM and EVE
Back in the Garden of Eden, Adam stayed out very late for a few
Eve was very suspicious, and became upset.
around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable,"
"You're the only woman on earth."
continued until Adam fell asleep,
only to be awakened by someone
poking him in the chest.
It was Eve.
"What do you think you're
doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
NEW Added on 9/13/2018
There were three hookers a Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead...
The brunette and the redhead are standing on the corner talking.
Brunette: "Geee! It's been real slow tonight."
Redhead: I've never seen business this bad!"
The Blonde walks up and says:
"I've been so busy tonight,
I can't keep up with the demand!"
They ask her how much she's made?
The Blonde say's:
They ask her:
"Who gave you the damn quarter?"
The Blonde replies:
"All of them!"
NEW Added on 9/12/2018
IN THE OFFICE
A man went to apply for a job.
After filling out the application form,
he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read all his application and said,
"We have an opening for people like you."
"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"
"It's called the door!"
NEW Added on 9/11/2018
17th Anniversary SEPTEMBER 11th
No Joke today.
Don't ever forget SEPTEMBER 11, 2001!
NEW Added on 9/10/2018
THE LUCKY MAN
"You know," a guy told his buddies,
"I'm a lucky man.
I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day
when I had to stay home sick from work."
"What did she do?" someone asked.
"She was so happy to have me home," he said,
"that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, she'd shout,
'My husbands home! My husband's home!'"
NEW Added on 9/9/2018
The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable
weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground!
The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life
in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground!
As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned
to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane.
Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to
congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds.
As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual
it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.
"Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied.
Those were Texans with all the shit scared out of them!
NEW Added on 9/8/2018
THE BIRDS AND BEES
A young teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother,
"Is it true what Rita just told me?
That babies come out of the same place where boys put their weiners?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up
and she wouldn't have to explain it.
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?
NEW Added on 9/7/2018
Michael Jackson and his wife were in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walked in and Michael asked:
"Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replied, "I'd wait until he's at least 17."
NEW Added on 9/6/2018
You're a redneck if...
-You have more fingers than you do teeth
-You cut your grass and find a car
-You consider Denny's a Fancy Restaurant
-Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors
-Your age is higher than your I.Q.
-Your favorite pickup line is "Does this look infected to you?"
-You ask your wife whether the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole....
and she replies "Its a gummy bear."
-You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.
-You say "Hold my Beer, and Watch This" everytime before you go to the hospital.
-Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.
NEW Added on 9/5/2018
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
NEW Added on 9/4/2018
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter.
'What are you doing?'
'Killing any?' She asked.
3 males, and 2 Females', he replied.
Intrigued, she asked
'How can you tell?'
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone'.
NEW Added on 9/3/2018
A Blonde and a Brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over twenty.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
NEW Added on 9/2/2018
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,
"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."
The judge says,
"You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard."
The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,
"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime.
But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt.
Is that a problem?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says,
"For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard,
and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
NEW Added on 9/1/2018
SVEN AND OLE
Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a brand new Chevrolet?
It vas Ole! Ole pulled up to him vit avide smile.
"Ole, vere did you get dat car?" Sven asked
"Lena gave it to me"
She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?"
"Vell, let me tell you vat happened.
Ve vere driving out ocounty road #6, in da middle of novere, when all of a sudden
Lena pulled off da road into da woods.
She parked, got out of da car, trew off all of her clothes and said
"Ole you can have vatever you vant."...
So I took da car"