He doesn't seem to be breathing.
The other whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps out to the operator:
'My friend is dead! What can I do?'
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says:
'Just take it easy.
First, let's make sure he's dead.'
There is silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line.
'OK, now what?'
THE UNFAITHFUL WIFE
Mad with rage, he shot her dead.
The Southern jury brought in a verdict of justifiable homicide.
As he was leaving the courtroom a free man, his friend asked,
"Why did you shoot your wife instead of her lover?"
"Suh," he replied,
"I decided it was better to shoot my wife once.........
than a different man each week."
DOCTOR, ENGINEER & LAWYER
The Doctor says,
"Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine."
The Engineer shakes his head and replies,
"No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos.
To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession."
The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward.
"Ah," he says,
"but who do you think created the Chaos?"
THE SEX THERAPIST
confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her,
and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.
"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.
"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counselled the therapist.
So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets....
until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on.
She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but,
by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read,
"With my compliments......
take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sunk to the bottom & stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act......
he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital.
He now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said,
'Mary, I have good news & bad news.
The good news is.....
you're being discharged because you were able to jump in the pool
and save the life of another patient,
I think you've regained your senses.'
The bad news is........
Jim, the patient you saved.......
hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom.
I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
'He didn't hang himself.......
I put him there to dry.'
LAWYER & WITNESS....Q & A
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included
personnel from both navies.
The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages,
Americans learned only English.
He then asked,
"Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you speak French?"
Without hesitating the American Admiral replied,
"Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it.....
so you would not have to speak German."
"We learned how to count up to 5 today mommy and I got up to 10.
Is it because I'm Blonde, mommy?"
Her Mom replies: "yes dear"
Day 2: "We learned how to do the alphabet today mommy.
The others only got up to E and I got up to S.
Is it because I'm Blonde, mommy?"
Her Mom replies: "yes dear"
Day 3: "We learned about breasts today mommy.
All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 34D.
Is it because I'm Blonde, mommy?"
Her Mom replies:
"No dear, it's because your 25.
but he didn't have a lighter.
His friend reaches into his backpack and pulls out a 12-inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" Steve says. "Where did you get that?"
"I have a genie." Robert explains.
What? A genie?! Can I see him?" Steve asks.
Robert opens his backpack, pulls out an old bottle, uncorks it, and out pops a genie.
"Hey genie, since I'm a good friend of your master will you grant me one wish?"
Steve says, figuring it couldn't hurt to ask.
"Certainly." The genie replies.
Steve immediately asks him for a million bucks.
The genie nods his head once and pops back into the bottle.
The two men stand there, and Steve looks at his friend, wondering where his money is.
Suddenly the sky gets darker and they look up to see a million ducks flying overheard.
Steve says, "Hey! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
"I guess I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing.
Did you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?"
'Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you!
I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town.
She lives only a street away and her name is Susan Hoffman.'
After dinner, George's dad took him aside and said,
'Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George.
She and I have been married 30 years, and she's a wonderful wife and mother,
but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom,
so I fooled around with other women a lot.
Susan Hoffman is actually your half sister,
so I'm afraid you can't marry her.'
George was broken-hearted.
After eight months, he started dating girls again.
A year later he came home and very proudly announced,
'Diane said yes! We're getting married in June.'
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news:
'Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this.'
George was livid!
He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
'Dad has done so much harm.
I guess I'm never going to get married,' he complained.
'Every time I fall in love,
Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.'
'Hah,' his mother chuckled, shaking her head,
'Don't pay any attention to what he says.
He's not really your father!'
On the third floor a man gets in who looks perfect......
3-piece suit, great build, nice butt.
The bad part is they both noticed he had dandruff.
The man got off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors closed, the brunette turned to the Blonde and said,
"Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."
To which the Blonde replied,
"How do you give Shoulders?"
but of course, her evil stepsisters, and her evil stepmother wouldn't let her,
and off they went to the ball.
Cinderella, stayed home and cried, and cried, and cried.
Just then her Fairy Godmother appeared and said,
"All right Cinderella, you can go to the ball ok?"
"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother!" said Cinderella.
"But two things first." her Fairy Godmother said.
"What are these things?" asked Cinderella.
"Well, you must wear a diaphragm." said her Fairy Godmother.
"And what is the other thing?" asked Cinderella.
"If you aren't home by 2:00 in the morning.......
your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin!"
"OK Fairy Godmother." said Cinderella, and off she went to the ball.
Cinderella didn't come home until 5:00 in the morning.
But, when she did, she came home looking happy, and "very" satisfied.
"Cinderella, where have you been?
You were supposed to be home 3 hours ago!!"
"Well Fairy Godmother,
I met a wonderful man who took care of everything!"
"Well, who is this man?"
the Fairy Godmother demanded. "I want to know!"
"I'm not sure." said Cinderella.
"Peter, Peter, something or other?"
THE CAB RIDE
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
'My son, you cannot offend me....
When you have been a nun as long as I have,
you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.
I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK,' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned....
I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
She went to look for the ball and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her,
"If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes......
that what ever you wish for,
your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said,
"That would be okay,"
and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her,
"You do realize that this wish will also make your husband.....
the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock too."
The woman replied,
"That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will
only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said,
"That will make your husband the richest man in the world......
and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said,
"That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
"I'd like a mild heart attack."
he had just pushed his victim "a little bit".
When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard,
the defendant approached the lawyer,
slapped him in the face,
grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared,
"I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."
THE BUNNY RABBIT
Standing on her toes she peers up at the owner and says
'Excuse me mister, can I buy a little bunny rabbit?'
Bending down, the owner looks at the little girl.
'Of course you can little lady.
Now what kind of bunny rabbit would you like?
Would you like a white bunny rabbit,
a black bunny rabbit with big long ears or
a nice big fluffy brown bunny rabbit?'
The little girl replies
'I don't think my python cares,
as long as it gets a bunny rabbit' <
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why in hell did I invite all these idiots to dinner?'
THE BLONDE INDIAN GUIDE
when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave.
He stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then
listened very closely until he heard the answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"
He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave.
The blonde Indian guide was puzzled.
He asked the other Indian what that was all about was that Indian goofy or something.
"No," said the other Indian.
"It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"...
and get an answer back,
that means that she is in there waiting for you."
Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave.
He took off and ran up to the cave,
then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"
When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"
off came his clothes and into the cave he goes.
The blonde Indian guide started running around the desert looking for a cave
to find these women that the Indians had talked about.
All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave.
As he looked in amazement, he was thinking,
"Man! Look at the size of that cave!
It's bigger then the ones that those Indians found.
She must be really great to be in this cave!"
Well... he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur.
He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"
He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of,
"WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.
The next day in the newspaper the head lines read:
Naked Blonde Indian Guide Run Over By Freight Train!!
THE OLD GUY
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man said......
'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the pond naked.
Holding the bucket up, he said,
'I'm just here to feed the alligators.'
Some old men can still think fast !!! ;)
HONG KONG DONG
Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Geisha Girl.
Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird green,
festering sore growing on his penis.
He went to the doctor.....
After hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities,
He told him he had Hong Kong Dong and.......
the only cure was complete amputation.
Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion.
Joe showed the second doctor the green growth.
The doctor said "I am sorry but the first doctor is correct.
We must amputate right away."
Joe could not accept this.
His friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor.
They must deal with this all the time.
He went to Dr. Wong.
Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said
"These American Doctors..........
so quick to Chop Chop Chop.
Amputation not necessary."
Joe was relieved.
Dr. Wong said
"You Save Money.....
Wait three weeks and it fall off on its own."
WAITING FOR ST. PETER
a couple had a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting for St. Peter.
While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out.' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months...
and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven,
what with the eternal aspect of it all.
'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered,
'Are we stuck together forever?'
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informed the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great,' said the couple, 'but what if things don't work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?', asked the frightened couple.
St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here!
Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?'
MEMORIES OF IRAQ
when they spot an Iraqi insurgent unconscious lying by the side of the road.
On the other side of the road is a young GI, badly injured but conscious.
As the medics give them first aid, they ask the American what happened.
The GI said, "I was moving west on this road when I see this guy.
We point our guns at each other and I said,
'Saddam is an asshole'
He yelled, 'Bush is an asshole'.
We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us"
THE PAINT JOB
His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear.
She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went.
When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament.
The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replied,
"but never framed."
announcing that his wife had just given birth to.......
"a typical Texan baby boy weighing 20 pounds."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard.
A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returned to the bar.
The bartender said,
"Say, you're the father of the Texan baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth.
How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender was puzzled.
"Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"
The Texan father took a slow sip from his beer,
leaned into the bartender and said,
"Had him circumcised."
'The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students.........
and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.'
'Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.
Are there any questions?'
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
'How much for a season pass?'
"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard says,
"Three million, four years, and six months old."
The tourist says, "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard says,
"Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here,
and that was four and a half years ago."
The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?"
"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.
With this, the third women, a Blonde, burst into tears.
"What's the matter ?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ?".....
OLD FOLKS AT HOME
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said.
"I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said,
"Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
"If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again......
I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
After dinner, the fiancé and the girl's father go into the study for a man to man talk.
"So, what are you doing right now?" asks the father.
"I am a theology scholar," replies the fiancé.
"Do you have any plans of employment?"
"I will study and God will provide."
"What about the children?" asks the man.
"God will provide."
"And your house and car?"
"Again, God will provide," says the fiancé.
After the talk, the girl's mother asks the father,
"So what did you two talk about?"
The man replies,
"He has no plans of employment,
but on the other hand....
he thinks I'm God."
IN THE CLASSROOM
the evils of liquor,
so he produced an experiment that involved....
a glass of water,
a glass of whiskey,
and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms,"
said the professor while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
He then put the second worm into the whiskey.
It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently,
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
The driver says:
"That is great. Me and my wife do that every night."
The passenger replies,
"My wife is conservative, she likes the old fashioned way.
But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this,
I would like to try it."
The driver says:
"Give your wife two martinis and she will be all set."
The next morning they're cruising along and the driver asks "How was it?"
The passenger answers:
"It was great, but it took my wife ten martinis."
The driver looks at him funny and says "TEN MARTINIS?"
The passenger says
"Yes. After two she was more than willing to make love that way......
but it took her eight more to get her out on the front lawn!"