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July 2018

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NEW Added on 7/31/2018


An elderly Jewish woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist,

"Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace,
emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you're not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.

"I know," she said.

"It's in case I should die before my husband.

I'm sure he will remarry right away,

and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."


NEW Added on 7/30/2018


Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip

around the sun every year.


NEW Added on 7/29/2018


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that the autopsy began?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.


NEW Added on 7/28/2018


A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey,

'but I haven't got the energy.'

Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.

'They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top.....

but it won't keep you there.


NEW Added on 7/27/2018


(Thanks to BEN in Dallas)

A lawyer from Canada drove down to the States for some fishing over the long weekend in his beat-up station wagon.

Upon his return to Canada over the Rainbow Bridge, a cop jumps out at the end of the bridge
holding a radar gun and stops the car.

The cop walks over to the lawyer and asked 'Do you have any idea how fast you were going?'

The lawyer said in reply 'No.'

The cop then said 'You were going a hundred in a seventy zone.'

'Well, if you know then why the hell are you asking me?'
said the lawyer with sarcasm.

The cop thought to himself that he's got a little smartass on his hands,

looking at the lawyer's beat-up wagon, and his stench from the weekend of fishing,

the cop then said to the lawyer......

'I don't think you can afford the ticket there, buddy.'

The lawyer said 'Oh, I think I can.'

'What do you do for a living?' asked the cop.

'A Rectum Stretcher.' the lawyer said.

'A Rectum Stretcher?!?

Now, just what the hell does a Rectum Stretcher do?'

'I stretch rectums.' replied the lawyer.

'How the hell do you do that?' asked the cop with amazement.

'Well, at first you put a couple of fingers in there and stretch it out a bit......

then work your hands in, and then your arms till it gets about 6 feet wide.'

said the lawyer.

'What the hell do you do with a six foot rectum?'
asked the now confused cop.

'You give him a radar gun......

dress him in a blue uniform....

and put him at the end of the Rainbow Bridge.'


NEW Added on 7/26/2018


One day there was this preacher and he was having his usual sermon when all of a sudden it started raining really hard.

After about 1 full hour of complete non-stop rain, they started making evacuations because the whole church was flooding,

but the preacher just stood there in the ankle-deep water.

A guy in a car came up to him and said.

"Preacher,Preacher you better get in here before you drown!"

But the preacher just replied

"Don't worry God will save me."

The man drove away.

The water was now knee-deep and a guy in a raft came over to the Preacher and said

"Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!"

Despite the second warning the Preacher just stood there and replied

"Don't worry God will save me."

The man rowed away in the orange raft.

The water was now waist-deep and a guy in a power boat came to the Preacher and said

"Preacher,Preacher you better get in here before you drown!"

Despite the third warning the Preacher just stood there and replied

"Don't worry God will save me."

With that the man jetted away in the power boat.

The water was now neck-deep and a guy in a helicopter came and said

"Preacher, Preacher you better get your butt in here before you drown

" The Preacher still just stood there and replied

"Don't worry God will save me."

And with that the man flew away.

The water then got so deep that the Preacher was sucked under and died.

When he opened his eyes he noticed that he was in heaven.

He then saw God and asked "God!

Why didn't you save me from that horrible flood?!?"

God then replied,

" I sent you a car....

a raft....

a power boat....

and a helicopter!

What else do you want from me?"


NEW Added on 7/25/2018


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK?

What school did you go to?



NEW Added on 7/24/2018


Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

I have the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;

This is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,

"It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you’ll never hear a guy say,

"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.


NEW Added on 7/23/2018


A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar,

and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket,

then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket

and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says,

'Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long.

But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.'

The customer replies,

'I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.

When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home.'


NEW Added on 7/22/2018


In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could,

Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife,

then the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face him, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at him.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and.....

slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

It probably wasn't the same elephant........


NEW Added on 7/21/2018


(Thanks to BEN in Dallas)

If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first,

then do it faster as you become more proficient.

It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

Ready?........ Scroll Down......

NOW........ Scroll Up......

That's enough for the first day.

Great job.

Have a Beer!


NEW Added on 7/20/2018


A blind man walks into a little restaurant and sits down.

The owner, walks up to him and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a fork used by a previous customer.

I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.

He returns to the man's table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah,yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen and tells his wife Gladys, the cook, what just happened.

The blind man eats and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him A menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry! I didn't recognize you.

I'll go get you a fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says,

"That smells great.

I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him.

He tells his wife Gladys that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The man returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Gladys, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Gladys complies and hands her husband the fork.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I have your fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says,

"Hey, I didn't know Gladys worked here!"


NEW Added on 7/19/2018


1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy


NEW Added on 7/18/2018

Q & A

Q. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

A. Mace will do that to you.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

A. 10 years and 45 lbs


NEW Added on 7/17/2018

Q & A

Q. How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A. A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


NEW Added on 7/16/2018

Q & A

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A. A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time ..'

and a southern fairytale begins...

'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?

A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


NEW Added on 7/15/2018


Returning home from work, a Blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,

the Blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,

then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,

'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.

I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman!'


NEW Added on 7/14/2018


A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway...

when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again.....

and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,

'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,

'Why do you buy them then?' The old lady replied,

'We just love the chocolate around them.


NEW Added on 7/13/2018



NEW Added on 7/12/2018

Q & A

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

A. The one who can eat the last donut.

Q. What is a Jewish dilemma?

A. Free Pork.

Q. The three words men hate to hear most during sex:

A. 'Are you in?'

Q. The three words women hate to hear most during sex:

A. 'Honey, I'm home!'


NEW Added on 7/11/2018


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,

"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary,

"I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said.......

"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said,

"John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.

You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.

Once he fell asleep.......

and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."


NEW Added on 7/10/2018


A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and the dog was a 'sniffing dog.'

'His name is 'Sniffer' and he's the best there is.

I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.'

He told 'Sniffer' to'search.'

'Sniffer' jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds..

'Sniffer' then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm..

The agent said, 'Good boy,' and he turned to the man and said,

'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent 'Sniffer' to search the aisles.

The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

I like it!' said his seat mate.

The agent then told 'Sniffer' to 'search' again.

'Sniffer' walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent , 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replied,

'He just found a bomb.'


NEW Added on 7/9/2018


Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

A. 45 minutes

Q. Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?

A. Because they can't stand criticism.

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

A. Through his chest with a sharp knife


NEW Added on 7/8/2018


(Thanks to BEN in Dallas)

Well, sometimes life is a bitch!

You come home after a long, hard work day.

You really hope that your wife at least has cooked some dinner for you.

You struggle to get up the steps, find the key and open the door to your residence,

and then, you find your wife sitting there on her ass,

eating dinner that she has cooked for HERSELF ONLY!

Unbelievable. She has been home the whole day and she couldn't even make you dinner.

You think to yourself, why the hell did I marry her?

Oh Yes!,
Now I remember!


NEW Added on 7/7/2018


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash..... Expert Says No

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery: Hundreds Dead


NEW Added on 7/6/2018




NEW Added on 7/5/2018


Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?

A: Peroxide.

Q: How do you tell if a bleached Blonde did your landscaping?

A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

Q: What do you call a Blonde in a tree with a brief case?

A: Branch Manager.

Q: What is the best Blonde secretary in the world to have?

A: One that never misses a period.


TODAY is July 4th
Independence Day

Please take a moment and remember all the men and women who fought and died for this country. Today we thank all our troops in conflict all over the world. Please do not fail to say thank you to all the Veterans who returned home.


NEW Added on 7/4/2018


(Thanks to BEN in Dallas)
After being married for 44 years,

I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,

"Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment...... a cheap car.....

slept on a sofa bed and watched a 12-inch black and white TV.

But I got to sleep every night with a hot 21 -year old babe.

Now I have a $900,000.00 home, a $65,000.00 car.....

nice big bed and 65" LED TV, but.......

I'm sleeping with a 65- year old woman.

It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 21 -year old babe

and she would make sure that I would once again.....

be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.....

and watching a 12-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great!

They really know how to solve a guy's mid-life crises.


NEW Added on 7/3/2018


A couple has a dog that snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.

She goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk.

He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly,

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him.

So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,

'I don't know where we were.. or what we did.

But, by God, we took first and second place.


NEW Added on 7/2/2018



NEW Added on 7/1/2018

Q & A

Q. What does a Scotsman have under his kilt?

A. On a good day.......... Lipstick