NEW Added on 5/31/2018
Q & A
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A.No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic.
Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party......
A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/30/2018
HELICOPTER RIDE
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and
every year Morris would say,
'Esther,I'd like to ride in that
helicopter.'
Esther always replied,
'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is
fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther,
I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get
another chance.'
To this, Esther replied,
'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty
dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if
you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of
fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks
over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I
did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm
impressed!'
Morris replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Esther fell out,
but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/29/2018
CATHOLIC SCHOOL
Little Alex was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort.....
they took Alex down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Alex came home with a very serious look on his face.
He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Alex was hard at work.
His mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word.....
and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for months.
Finally, little Alex brought home his report card.
He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise....
little Alex got an "A" in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said,
"Son, what was it?
Was it the nuns?"
Little Alex looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?
Little Alex looked at her and said,
"Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign....
I knew they weren't fooling around."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/28/2018
ERNESTO The CARETAKER
(Thanks to BEN in Dallas)
At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
"What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor"
Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky.
He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor!
A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!
What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Senor.
She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief so.....
I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE...................
"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/27/2018
PROUD FATHER
A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.
He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six,"
in spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party.
The man decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if
his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/26/2018
Q & A
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.
Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Q What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/25/2018
JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE
Q. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment
Q. What do you have, when you have 12 Lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A. Juan on Juan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/24/2018
HOW TO TEST YOUR AC
(Thanks to BEN in Dallas)
It's that time of the year again...
How to Check Your Car's Air Conditioner
1. Start the engine and roll up the windows.
2. Turn on the A/C put the fan on Hi
3. Place the tester in the car, wait 30 seconds:
Yep... It's working fine!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/23/2018
REDNECK JOKES
"You know you're a redneck when......
01. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
02. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
03. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
04. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
05. You think "The Nutcracker" is a vice on the work bench .
06. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
07. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
08. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
09. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/22/2018
MEDICAL STUDENTS
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend:
"I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome - those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so.
The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome, he walks just like we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached the old man and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't ignore the way you walk,
but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you but first you'll tell me what you think."
Then one of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
And the old man said: "You thought, but you're wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
And the old man said: "You thought, but you're wrong."
So they asked him: "So what do you have?"
And the old man said:
"I thought I needed to fart, but I was wrong."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/21/2018
BILL CLINTON JOKE
A Mormon was seated next to Bill Clinton on a flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
Clinton asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores.....
than let liquor touch my lips."
Clinton then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/20/2018
BLONDE JOKE
Bambi, a Blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman,
sat in her US Government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said,
'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/19/2018
THE HONEYMOON
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they
go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny , Fred's little brother,
gets up and has his
breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks
his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
"Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
"Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, go ahead... tell me what you think?"
He says: "Well, last night Fred came to my room..
and asked me where the Vaseline was......
and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/18/2018
BLONDE JOKE
A Blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The Blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'
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NEW Added on 5/17/2018
THE COMPLIMENT
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
"I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly.
Give me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's perfect."
He never even heard the shot....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/16/2018
Q & A
Q. What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A. Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/15/2018
NEW CORVETTE
A senior citizen drove his brand new
Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through his hair.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75,
pushing the pedal even more.
But looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper
behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, what am I doing? I'm too old for this.
And pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the
Corvette, looked at his watch and said,
'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've
never heard before, I'll let you go.'
The gentleman paused then said,
'Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Texas State-Trooper.
I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/14/2018
BLONDE JOKE
A woman walks into the doctors office and says, 'Doctor I hurt all over.'
The doctor says, 'That's impossible.'
'No really! Just look, when I touch my arm, ouch! it hurts.
When I touch my leg, ouch!, it hurts.
When I touch my head, ouch!, it hurts.
When I touch my chest, ouch!!, it really hurts,' she replies.
The doctor just shakes his head and says,
'You're a natural blonde aren't you?'
The woman smiles and says,
'Why yes I am. How did you know?'
The doctor replies,
'Because your finger is broken.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/13/2018
ONE NIGHT STANDS
A very rude guy, obviously drinking much too much at the local bar said......
What's the deal with sex these days?
Nobody wants to cuddle.
They just want to get paid and get out of the car......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/12/2018
DUMB GUY
Q. How can you tell the Dumb Guy guy at the airport?
A. He's the one throwing bread to the planes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/11/2018
BLONDE JOKE
At a pharmacy, a Blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby
she held in her arms.
The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said
that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby
together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting
the second amount from the first.
"That won't work," countered the Blonde.
"I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/10/2018
Q & A
Q. WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet.
But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/9/2018
Q & A
Q: Why do girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/8/2018
BLONDE JOKE
Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A rich deaf and dumb Blonde nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/7/2018
WARNING SIGN
Sign seen in a new fancy Las Vegas suburb:
~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING ~~~~~~~~~
TRESPASSERS
WILL BE
VIOLATED!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/6/2018
THE VACATION
Bob says to Lester,
"You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year
I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go.
Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant.
Last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas,
and Marie got pregnant again."
Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
//-->
NEW Added on 5/5/2018
DRINKING & DRIVING
At this time of the year, when the roadblocks come up with great regularity,
I would like to share a personal experience with everyone
about drinking and driving.
As you well know,
some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities
on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends
and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit,
I did something I've never done before, I took a cab home.
Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab,
they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise,
since I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it
or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/4/2018
THE TRAIN
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl.
The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes,
"If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my sexy legs."
The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says,
"If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00,
I'll show you my beautiful thighs,"
Men being men, all pull out a ten dollar bill.
The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men are a bit excited.
Then the young girl says,
"If you each give me $100......
I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money.
The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing.
"See there in the distance.
That's the hospital where I had it done!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/3/2018
THE JUDGE
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/2/2018
BLONDE JOKE
Q: What did the Blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 7.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/1/2018
Q. & A.
Q: Whats the difference between a guy looking for a golf ball and a guy looking for the G-Spot?
A: He'll look all day for the golf ball.
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