NEW Added on 4/29/2018
TOP 10 LIST
COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG TITLES.
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I Woke Up With a Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song title is......
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night, That Were On My Dingus This Morning.
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NEW Added on 4/28/2018
BLONDE JOKE
Two Blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,
'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second Blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first Blonde hands her the compact.
The second Blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
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NEW Added on 4/27/2018
REDNECK JOKES
"You know you're a redneck when......
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 75.
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NEW Added on 4/26/2018
THE CIRCUS
A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus.
The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother,
"What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.
His father looks and says,
"That's the elephant's penis, son."
"So, why did mom say it was nothing?" asks the boy.
The father draws himself up to his full height and says,
"Son, I've spoiled that woman."
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NEW Added on 4/25/2018
MEDICINE MAN
Al is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work.
So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful medicine.
You can only use it once a year.
All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
Al asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down.
But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"
Al rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.
That night he is ready to surprise Donna.
He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion.
He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life just as the medicine man had promised.
Donna, who had been facing away, turns over and asks,
"What did you say 123 for?"
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NEW Added on 4/24/2018
THE SILVER ANNIVERSARY
During their Silver Anniversary, a wife reminded her husband:
Do you remember when you proposed to me,
I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The hubby replied:
"Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
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NEW Added on 4/23/2018
GUNS vs WOMEN
(Thanks to Ben in Dallas)
TOP TEN COMPARISONS
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so,
he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask, 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason...
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!
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NEW Added on 4/22/2018
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A BIRD
Until now I never fully understood how to tell the difference between Male and Female Birds.
I always thought it had to be determined surgically.
Until Now!
Which of the two Birds Is a Female???
Below are two birds. Study them closely...
See If You can spot Which of the two Is the Female.
It can be done even by one with limited bird watching skills.
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NEW Added on 4/21/2018
PLEASE LORD..
A woman was driving down the street very upset because
she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, she said,
'Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place.....
I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and......
give up sex and tequila.'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
She looked up again and said,
'Lord, Never mind. I found one.'
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NEW Added on 4/20/2018
BLONDE JOKE
Q. How do you tell when a Blonde waitress is having a bad day?
A. There is a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
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NEW Added on 4/19/2018
GETTING EVEN
Q. How do you get even with a lying cheating bitch?
A. "Live Well And Prosper!"
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NEW Added on 4/18/2018
ITALIAN HONEYMOON
(Thanks to Ben in Dallas)
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia......
Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, 'Hey Luigi, how wasa you treep?'
Luigi said, 'Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.
'Whata you mean, Luigi?' asked Giovanni.
'Wella, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station.
My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food She broughta vino and....
some nice cigars for me.
We were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket.
The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car.
Musta use a dining car.'
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and.....
starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say,
'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.'
So, we go to cluba car.
Whila we drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.
The conductore, he waga his finger again and say,
'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.'
We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go "boombada" and the conductore, he walka through da hall.....
shouting at a top of his a voice 'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'
Nexta time, I'ma justa gonna taka da bus!'
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NEW Added on 4/17/2018
THE PILL
Doc, you've gotta help me, my wife isn't interested in sex anymore.
Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe..."
"My life is going to Hell! You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this.
These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful.
Don't give her more than ONE, understand? JUST one."
"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay."
That evening after dinner, he pulls the pills from his pocket and
drops one into his wife's coffee, then drops in a second pill.
And then he begins to worry.
The doctor did say they were powerful.
Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee.
His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.
Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little.
She sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes.
In a deep, throaty, near-whisper,
in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says,
"I... need...a man..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies,
"Me... too.."
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NEW Added on 4/16/2018
BLONDE JOKE
A Blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm.
She passes a person who asks
"Where did you get that pig?"
The pig says,
"I won her in a raffle!"
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NEW Added on 4/15/2018
AT THE VET'S
There are three Labrador retrievers sitting in the waiting room at the vet's,
a black lab, a brown lab and a yellow lab.
The black lab turns to the brown lab and says,
"Why are you here?"
The brown lab says,
"I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.
I pissed on my owners sofa, their carpets, their drapes,
but the last straw was when I pissed in the middle of their bed."
The black lab says,
"What is the vet going to do to you?"
And the brown lab says, sadly,
"Lethal injection."
Then the brown lab asks the black,
"Why are you here?"
The black lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences,
I dig up the flowers, the bushes.
When I'm inside,
I dig up the carpets but the last straw was when I dug a big hole in my owner's sofa."
The brown lab says,
"What's the vet going to do to you?"
And the black lab says sadly,
"Lethal injection."
Then the black and brown labs turn to the yellow lab and ask,
"Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, "I'm a humper.
I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, the dining room table, a fire hydrant.
Whatever I see, I want to hump.
Last week, my owner had taken a shower and was drying her toes and I couldn't help it,
I just hopped on her back and humped her."
The black lab says,
"So you're here for a lethal injection, too?"
"No, I'm getting my nails clipped."
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NEW Added on 4/14/2018
THE QUICK MARRIAGE
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married.
They went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
While they were lying by the pool one morning, he climbed the ten- meter board,
and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, followed by three rotations in
the jackknife position.
When he straightened out, he cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion.
You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.
After about thirty laps, she climbed back out and laid down on her towel,
hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible!
Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said,
"I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
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NEW Added on 4/13/2018
TRIBUTE TO RODNEY DANGERFIELD
"I DON'T GET NO RESPECT!
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger.
That's when you put a bag over your head in case....
the bag over her head comes off.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy,
I wouldn't of had anything to play with.
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NEW Added on 4/12/2018
BLONDE JOKE
Q: What's the first thing a Blonde does in the morning?
A: She introduces herself.
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NEW Added on 4/11/2018
THE GENIE
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up
out of his ashtray.
'And what will your third wish be?'
The man looked at the genie and said, 'Huh?
How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?'
'You have had two wishes already,' the genie said,
'but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was
before you made your first wish.
Thus, you remember nothing,
because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes.
You now have one wish left.'
'Okay,' said the man,
'I don't believe this, but what the heck.
I've always wanted to understand women.
I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads.'
'Funny,' said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever,
'That was your first wish, too!'
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NEW Added on 4/10/2018
TRIBUTE TO RODNEY DANGERFIELD
"I DON'T GET NO RESPECT!
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home."
I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
I know I'm not sexy.
When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
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NEW Added on 4/9/2018
BLONDE JOKE
Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
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NEW Added on 4/8/2018
IN THE BAR
An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands.
Jill, the barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent.
Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit.
At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him.
Although she is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed.
Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again
after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if
she will sleep with him again for $200.
She figures why not - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.
This goes on for 5 nights.
On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar.
But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner.
The girl is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention.
She goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him what part of Australia he's from and he tells her Melbourne.
'So am I,' she says.
'What suburb in Melbourne?'
'Glen Iris,' he says.
'That's amazing,' she says, 'so am I - what street?'
'Cameo Street,' he says.
'This is unbelievable,' she says, 'what number?'
He says 'Number 20' and she is astonished.
'You are not going to believe this,' she says,
'I'm from number 22 - my parents still live there!'
'I know,' he says
'your father gave me $1,000 to give you.'
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NEW Added on 4/7/2018
The Marriage Counselor
After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be,
the marriage counselor suggested they vary their position.
'For example,' he suggested, 'you might try the wheelbarrow.
Lift her legs from behind and off you go.'
The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.
'Well, okay,' the hesitant wife agreed, 'but on two conditions.
First, if it hurts you have to stop right away,
and second...' she continued,
'you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house.'
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NEW Added on 4/6/2018
BLONDE JOKE
Q: How do you make a Blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
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NEW Added on 4/5/2018
TRIBUTE TO RODNEY DANGERFIELD
"I DON'T GET NO RESPECT!
I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"
She said, "No, I hate myself now."
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.
Last night she used me to time an egg.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging naked.
I asked him, "Why?"
He said, "Because you came home early."
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NEW Added on 4/4/2018
BLONDE JOKE
Q: Why did the Blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for two hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
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NEW Added on 4/3/2018
APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
(Note: This application will be considered incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history,
lineage, and current medical report from your physician.)
1. What is your name, age, social security number, IQ
and boy scout rank? ____________________
2. Do you have one male and one female parent? _________
If "No", explain:________________
3. Do you own or have access to a van? ____
4. A truck with oversize tires? ____
5. A waterbed? ____
6. Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring or
is any part of your body pierced ? _______
7. Do you have a tattoo? ____
*If you have answered YES to #3, #4, #5, #6, or #7, discontinue application
and leave immediately.*
8. In fifty words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_____
9. In fifty words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?____
10. In fifty words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?______
11. In fifty words or less, what does REAL PAIN mean to you?______
12. Church/Temple you attend: ____________________________
13. How often do you attend: ____________________________
14. When would be the best time to interview your mother,
father and priest/rabbi? ____________________________
15. Please fill in the blanks:
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded
would be my ____________________________
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be
my ____________________________
A woman's place is in the ____________________________
The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask
is ____________________________
When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her
first is ____________________________
*Note: If answer to last question begins with "T" or "A",
discontinue application and leave premises
keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised*
What do you want to be IF you grow up?__________
I swear that all the above information is correct to the best
of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm,
dismemberment, torture and or mental abuse.
Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father _____________________________________
Signature of mother ____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________
Signature of State Representative _________________________
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow 4-6 years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if approved.
If denied, you are not permitted to apply again.
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NEW Added on 4/2/2018
DEATHBED CONFESSION
John was on his deathbed.
His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
'My darling Susan,' he whispered.
'Hush, my love,' she said. 'Rest. Shhh. Don't talk.'
He was insistent.
'Susan,' he said in his tired voice.
'I have something I must confess to you.'
'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Susan.
'Everything's all right, go to sleep.'
'No, no. I must die in peace, Susan.
I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother.'
'I know,' she replied.
'That's why I poisoned you.'
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NEW Added on 4/1/2018
COMPUTERS HAVE GENDER?
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns,
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated
as masculine or feminine.
Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil', she described, would have a gender
association although in English these words were neutral.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked,
'What gender is a computer?'
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups
and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine.
One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men.
Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to
in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you decide on one, you realize that,
if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to
in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you decide on one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
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