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ALEX HUNTER......
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"So Much Beauty, So Little Time..." ...A.H.

JOKES

Feb 2018


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NEW Added on 2/28/2018

ELDERLY CHURCH LADY ORGANIST

One day Reverend Smith went to visit Mrs. Jenkins one of his elder parishioners in his church.

She asked him to wait in the parlor while she went to the kitchen to get refreshments for their visit.

On top of her Hammond organ was sitting a bowl which contained a condom floating in water.

He was curious and asked her to explain this to him.

",Oh, Reverend Smith", she replied

",I found that lying on the street and the instructions said.....

to put it on your organ and keep it wet that it will prevent disease........

and frankly, I haven't been sick all year".


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NEW Added on 2/27/2018

BLONDE JOKE

There was a beautiful young Blonde at a soda machine in Las Vegas,

and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.

She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while,

pushed a Diet Coke selection,

and out came a Diet Coke.

She placed it on a counter next to the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine.

Studying the machine carefully,

she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine,

studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button.

Out came a Mountain Dew.

She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.

As she was reaching into her purse again,

the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes, spoke up.

"Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"

She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh!

Can't you see I'm still winning?"


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NEW Added on 2/26/2018

DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL

A man comes home with his little daughter,

whom he has just taken to work.

The little girl asks,

'I saw you in your office with your secretary.

Why do you call her a doll?'

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him,

the man explains,

'Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl.

She types like you wouldn't believe,

she knows the computer system and is very efficient.'

'Oh,' says the little girl,

'I thought it was because she closed her eyes......

when you laid her down on the couch.'


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NEW Added on 2/25/2018

AMISH STORY


One cold blustery day,

an Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old Buggy.

The daughter said to her mother,

"My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied,

"Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and he said

"My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied,

"Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

So he did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said,

"My nose is cold."

The girl replied,

"Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."

So he did and warmed his nose.

Seeing the pattern, the boyfriend quickly said to the daughter

"My penis is frozen solid too."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother,

and she says to her mother,

"Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said,

"Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies

"Well they make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"


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NEW Added on 2/24/2018

OLD FOLKS PRAYER

God grant me....

The senility to forget the people I never liked....

The good fortune to run into the ones that I do....

And the eyesight to tell the difference."



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NEW Added on 2/23/2018

THE RABBI

A man goes to see his Rabbi.

'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'

The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'

The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'

The man then pleads,

'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'

The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her,

I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,

'Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours.

You want my advice?'

The man anxiously says, 'Yes.'

'Take the poison!'


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NEW Added on 2/22/2018

LAWYER JOKE

Q. How can you tell if a lawyer is well-hung?

A. You can't get your finger between his neck and the rope.


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NEW Added on 2/21/2018

CANDY

Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy

in his mouth.

An old lady came over and said.

"Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth,

give you acne, and make you sick?"

"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.

"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.

"No, said Johnny, but he minded his own damned business."


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NEW Added on 12/20/2018

The Cowboy and His Horse!

A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of Indians.

The Indians were all prepared to kill him when the chief announced

that due to the celebration of the Great Spirit,

they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he would die.

"What do you want for your first wish?" asks the chief.

I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy.

He goes over to his horse and whispers in its ear.

The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed.

About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked girl on its back.

Well, the Indians are very impressed,

so they let the cowboy and the girl use one of their teepees.

A little while later, the cowboy comes out of the teepee,

tucking in his shirt.

"What do you want for your second wish?" says the chief.

"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy.

Again, the cowboy whispers in the horses ear.

The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed.

About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked girl on its back.

Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed.

So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees.

The cowboy stumbles out a little while later,

and the chief asks the cowboy

"What do you want for your last wish?"

"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy.

He grabs the horse by the ears and yells,

"You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE!!!!"


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NEW Added on 2/19/2018

LINGERIE

A husband was shopping with his wife when she decided to buy something

for their daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop.

Inside, the husband was feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk

asked if she could help him.

In a cocky manner, he asked,

"Where are all the men's clothes?"

In a demure voice the clerk replied,

"All of these clothes are for men, sir."


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NEW Added on 2/18/2018

MORE.... STUPID SIGNS:

Sign in London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In a laundry, on each washing machine:

PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

Outside the newest Las Vegas nite spot:

"HOT HOT HOT" IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE NIGHTCLUB IN LAS VEGAS....

EVERYONE WELCOME.

In a cleaner's window:

ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS.....

WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

In a London office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND......

STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

On a church door:

THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE BY THIS DOOR.

(This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use the side door)

Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE:

$1 PER PRE-PACKED 4lb.BAG or

DO-IT-YOURSELF .25 CENTS per-pound .




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NEW Added on 2/17/2018

STUPID SIGNS:

In a hotel during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,

WE OFFER DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

In a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,

BUT BE AWARE THAT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.

(Please knock hard on the door the bell doesn't work)

In a Dry Cleaner's window:

LADIES.....

PLEASE DROP OFF YOUR CLOTHES.......

AND YOU WILL RECEIVE IMMEDIATE ATTENTION!

In an office building washroom:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

Outside a Tattoo Shop:

OUT TO LUNCH;

(If not back by five, Please come back Tomorrow).

In a health food shop:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

In a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR



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NEW Added on 2/16/2018

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS-MEN

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT'-

He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER'-

He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME'-

He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING'-
He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS'-

He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants-

It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.'


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NEW Added on 2/15/2018

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS-WOMEN

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK'-

She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not 'EASY'-

She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE'-

She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND'-

She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you-

She is 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER'-

She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

(NOTE: Don't be upset ladies, Tomorrow is "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS - MEN")


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NEW Added on 12/14/2018

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as
'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.




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NEW Added on 2/13/2018

BLONDE JOKE

Two Blondes went to the country market.

While they were there, they each bought a horse.

When they got home, they discussed how to tell their horses apart.

They decided to cut the tail off of one.

That worked for a while, but soon the tail grew back,

so they decided that they would tie a red bow around one of the horses' necks.

One of the Blondes said,

"Which of the horses should we put the red bow on,

the brown one or the white one?"


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NEW Added on 2/12/2018

MORE......COMMENTS MADE IN THE YEAR 1955:

1. "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.

They are even making electric typewriters now."

2. "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day....

when the Government takes half our income in taxes.

I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

3. "There is no sense going to New York City for a weekend anymore,

it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."

4. "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 8 cents,

just to mail a letter?"

5. "If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00,

nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

6. "Who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon.

Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

7. "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

8. "No one can afford to be sick anymore.....

at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood."

9. "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon.

They even have some guys they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."


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NEW Added on 2/11/2018

COMMENTS MADE IN THE YEAR 1955:

1. "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are,

it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.

" 2. "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?

It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one."

3. "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit.

A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

4. "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone.....

to watch their kids so they can both work."

5. "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more,

those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

6. "I'm afraid that the Volkswagen is going to open the

door to a whole lot of foreign businesses."

7. "Kids today are impossible.....

Next thing you know....

the boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

8. "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.....

Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND,

it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it."

9. "Did you see where a baseball player just signed a contract for....

$75,000 a year just to play ball?

It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President."


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NEW Added on 2/10/2018

TALKING DOG FOR SALE

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:

Talking Dog for Sale

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says,

"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young....

and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift....

and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,

sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders.

Since no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping,

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out,

and I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work,

mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired,"

The guy is amazed.

He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars"

The guy says, "this dog is amazing.

Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a liar.

He didn't do any of that."


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NEW Added on 2/9/2018

THE PIGGY BANK

There was a couple who were big over-spenders.

They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii,

but were never able to save any money to go.

One day they came up with an idea--

each time they had sex, they would put $20.00 into a piggy bank.

They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.

After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation

and broke the piggy bank.

The husband looked at their savings and said:

"Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into the piggy.

But I see tons of $50.00 bills and a few $100.00 bills."

The wife replied,

"Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"


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NEW Added on 2/8/2018

GOOD OL' BOYS IN TEXAS

Two good ol' boys in an East Texas trailer park

were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the first guy says to the second,

"If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday night & make love

to your wife while you was off a hunt'in, and she got pregnant,

and had a baby, would that make us kin?'

The second guy cocked his head sideways for a minute,

scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard.

Finally, he says, 'Well, I don't know about kin,

but it sure would make us even!


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NEW Added on 2/7/2018

HOOKERS

Q. Why do hookers have belly-button rings?

A. So you can hang an air freshener.


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NEW Added on 2/6/2018

ANCIENT CHINESE PROVERBS

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.


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NEW Added on 2/5/2018

BLONDE JOKE

Q: Why won't they hire a Blonde pharmacist?

A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.




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NEW Added on 2/4/2018

HEAVEN OR HELL

While walking down the street one day a US senator is hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter.

"Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem....

We seldom see a high official up here, so we're not sure

what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator..

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.

What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.

Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends

and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress, they ran to greet him, shake his hand

and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich

at the expense of the public.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy

who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up and the door opens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls,

moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They have a good time and, before he realizes it,

24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven..

Now choose your eternity.

"The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:

"Well, I would never have said it before, but I think I would be better off in hell.

"So St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land....

covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and

putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator.

"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, we ate lobster

and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.

Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning....

Today you voted."


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NEW Added on 2/3/2018

EVEN MORE....YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN:

1. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

2. Your eyes won't get much worse.

3. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

4. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than....

the national weather service.

5. Your secrets are safe with your friends because....

they can't remember them either.

6. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

7. You can't remember where you saw this list .


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NEW Added on 2/2/2018

MORE....YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN:

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.


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NEW Added on 2/1/2018

THE GENIE

A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the

third hole which was lined with beautiful homes.

The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice.

Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window.

Much to their dismay, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it

into a million pieces.

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened.

When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there.

The husband called out and no one answered.

Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch
with a turban on his head.

The wife said, 'Do you live here?'

'No, someone just hit a ball through the window.......

knocked over the bottle you see there and freed me....

for that little bottle was my prison.

I am so grateful,' he answered.

The wife said, 'Are you a genie?'

'Oh, why yes I am.

In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes;

the third I will keep for myself,' the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes:

The First was for a scratch handicap for the husband....

to which the wife readily agreed.

The Second was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded and said , 'Done!'

The genie now said,

'For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife.

I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all....

I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire.'

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife,

'How long have you been married?'....

She responded, 'Three years.'

The genie then asked,

'How old is you husband?'....

to which she responded, '31 years old.'

The genie then asked,

'How long has he believed in this genie crap?'