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"So Much Beauty, So Little Time..." ...A.H.


Jan 2018

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NEW Added on 1/31/2018


You answer a question with "Because I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.


NEW Added on 1/30/2018


You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"

You have a dream about prunes.


NEW Added on 1/29/2018


21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

23. Check your oil.

24. Do not fake it.
We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

26. No, it does not matter which quiz.

27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become null and void after 7 days.

28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls....
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways....
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry....
we meant the other one.

30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway it is genetic.

31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

32.You can either ask us to do something....
tell us how you want it done.....not both.

33. Whenever possible,
please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses....
lose their right to complain about having their breasts stared at.

36. The relationship is never going to be like it was....
the first two months we were going out.

37. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings.
Peach is a fruit, not a color.

38. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

39. If it itches, it will be scratched.

40. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags or shoes are for you.

41. If it is OUR house....
I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

42. We are not mind readers and we never will be.
Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

43. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong....
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.


NEW Added on 1/28/2018


1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us.
We refuse to answer.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.

3. Do not cut your hair. Ever.
Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.
One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is,....
that married women always cut their hair,....
and by then, you are stuck with her.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if....
we can find the perfect present yet again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to....
expect an answer you do not want to hear.

6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you.....
Live with it.

7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless....
you are prepared to discuss such topics as....
navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Sunday sports.
It's as necessary as a full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and no,
we are never going to think of it that way.

10. When we have to go somewhere,
absolutely anything you wear is fine...... Really.

11. You have enough clothes.

12. You have too many shoes.

13. Crying is blackmail.

14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

15. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work.
Strong hints do not work.
Obvious hints do not work.
Just say it!

16. No, we do not know what day it is.
We never will.
Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult.
We are bound to miss sometimes.

18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes.....
What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty...
would look good with your dress?

19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That is what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


NEW Added on 1/27/2018


A small village in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk.

The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow......

from Moscow for 2,000 rubles...

or one from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles.

So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk.

It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition,

and gave lots of milk and lots of cream.

Everybody loved it dearly.

The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it....

and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture.

When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left.

When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right.

This went on all day.

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do.

After all he was very wise.

They told him the story:

"Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow.

When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left....

and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right.

What do we do?"

The Rabbi thought a moment and asked,

"Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise!

We never said we bought the cow from Minsk.

How did you know that?"

The Rabbi said, sadly,

"My wife is from Minsk."


NEW Added on 1/26/2018


A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visit a marriage counselor.

The counselor asks the wife,

'What's the problem?'

She responds,

'My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.'

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires,

'Is that true?' The husband replies,

'Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me.'


NEW Added on 1/25/2018


On a long flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing
is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die!' she wails.

Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!

No one has ever made me really feel like a woman!

Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence.

Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the
desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

'I can make you feel like a woman,' he says.

He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the man approaches.

He removes his shirt.

Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her,

He extends his arm holding the shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

'Iron this.'


NEW Added on 1/24/2018


A Dumb guy is in bed with a girl...

He says, "You're flat and you're tight."

She says, "Get off my back."


NEW Added on 1/23/2018


There was a young maid from Madras....

Who had a magnificent ass:

Not pretty and pink,

As you probably think.....

It was grey, had long ears and ate grass.


TRIBUTE TO HENNY YOUNGMAN (Take my wife....Please!)

NEW Added on 1/22/2018


The Blonde was flustered and flushed as she sat in the witness chair.

This beautiful Blonde had gotten herself named as a co-respondent
in a divorce case.

"So Miss Jones.....

you admit that you went to a hotel with this man."

"Yes, but I couldn't help it.....he deceived me.

He told the clerk at the front desk that I was his wife."


TRIBUTE TO HENNY YOUNGMAN (Take my wife....Please!)

NEW Added on 1/21/2018


A man said to his psychiatrist......

"Doctor, you've got to help me......

I'm sure I'm losing my mind.....

I can't remember anything......

not what happened a year ago.....

or even what happened yesterday.....

I must be going crazy."

Doctor, "How long have you had this problem?"

The man looked puzzled......

"What problem"


NEW Added on 1/20/2018


A Dumb guy walks into a bar,

holds out his hand,

and says to the bartender,

"Look what I almost stepped in..."


NEW Added on 1/19/2018

Q & A

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

A: A Mechanic.


NEW Added on 1/18/2018


This really really old guy is walking on the beach one day.

He hears a little teenie tiny voice calling out

'Hey Mister ... pssst ... come here.'

He looks around and sees a little tiny frog under a palm tree.

He picks it up and it says 'Hey Mister ... if you kiss me,

I'll turn into a beautiful young woman and your wishes will be my commands forever.'

He takes the frog, puts it in his pocket, and starts to walk back toward home.

The frog says 'Hey, what are ya doing?

Don't ya want to kiss me?'

The old man says,

'No ... to tell you the truth, at my age,

a talking frog is worth a whole lot more to me.'


NEW Added on 1/17/2018


A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders.

But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem:

a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road....

with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice,

another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading

"TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.


NEW Added on 1/16/2018


Two old men were sipping brandies in their gentleman's club....

when they spotted an elderly man in the corner one of them vaguely recognized.

'I say', said the first, 'Isn't that the Pope over there?'

'I really don't know', came the reply,

'why don't you go and ask him?'

'Good idea I think I will.'

So he made his way over to the elderly gentleman in the corner.

'Excuse me, sir', he asked, 'but are you the Pope?'

'Go screw and leave me alone', replied the elderly gent irritably.

Taken aback, the club member returned to his friend.

'What did he say?', he asked.

'He said 'Go screw and leave me alone'

'Damn. Now we'll never know'.


NEW Added on 1/15/2018


A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken
running down the road.

He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he
noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.

Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run.

So he sped up and the chicken did too!

They were now moving along the road at 45 mph!

The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running
ahead of him at 60 mph!!!

Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway
leading to a farmhouse.

The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard with
dozens of three legged chickens.

The man in the car called out to the farmer

"How did you get all these three legged chickens?"

The farmer replied, "I breed 'em.

Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg.

Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety
so we could all eat our favorite piece."

"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"

"Don't rightly know,

I ain't caught one yet!"


NEW Added on 1/14/2018


A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road.

He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a sexy leg.

The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and said,

"Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized.

He removed his hand, but he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on down thr road, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said,

"Father, remember psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized.

"I am sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest opened a bible and looked up psalm 129.

It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."


Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!


NEW Added on 1/13/2018


Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal.

The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked,

"What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good! Now what animal is this?"

she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent.

After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,

"It's what your mom calls your dad."

"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.


NEW Added on 1/12/2018


A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon.

When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule.

So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day

they would go to bed at 5:15.

In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15.

This went on for months, never missing a day until

the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.

The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three.

These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over

their survival plans.

One germ said,

"I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot.

I don't think the antibiotics will find me there".

A second exclaimed,

"I am going to hide behind her right ear.

I don't think they'll find me there."

The last germ said,

"I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight,

I'm gonna be on it!"


NEW Added on 1/11/2018


The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class.

The professor emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class,

and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.

Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up,

"But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.

When the students had finally settled down, the professor gave the young man

a glaring look.....

"Well," he responded,

"I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."


NEW Added on 1/10/2018


A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.

He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six,"

in spite of her objections.

One night they went to a party.

The man decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if

his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"


NEW Added on 1/9/2018


An accountant leaves a letter for his wife on a Friday night that says,
"Dear Wife,

I am fifty-four, and by the time you read this I'll be at the Grand Hotel

with my sexy eighteen year old secretary."

When he gets to the hotel, there's a telegram waiting for him that says,

"Dear Husband, I'm fifty-four, too, and by the time you read this,

I'll be at the Breakwater Hotel with luscious eighteen year old boyfriend.

And I don't have to explain to you, an accountant,

that eighteen goes into fifty-four a lot more times than

fifty-four goes into eighteen."


NEW Added on 1/8/2018


Q. Did you hear about the dumb guy whose wife had triplets?

A. He went looking for the other two guys.


NEW Added on 1/7/2018


It was horrible rainy day.

A lady midget walks into the doctor's office and says,

"Doc, every time it rains, I get this terrible pain in my crotch."

He says, "Leap up on the table."

In just a moment he says,

"Okay, leap down."

She says,

"Doc, I feel great. What'd you do?"

He says,

"I cut two inches off the tops of your galoshes."


NEW Added on 1/6/2018


Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman runs across

the fairway and into the woods.

Two men in white coats and another guy carrying a two buckets of sand

are chasing her,

and a little old man is bringing up the rear.

One of the golfers grabs the old man and says,

"What the hell is going on?"

The old guy says,

"She's a nymphomaniac from an asylum,

she keeps trying to escape,

and us attendants are trying to catch her."

The golfer says,

"What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"

The old guy says,

"He caught her last time,

That's his handicap".


NEW Added on 1/5/2018

The Hero!

One day Donald Trump was out jogging -- and accidentally fell from a bridge
into a very cold river.

Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident.

Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet
president out ofthe river.

After cleaning up he said,

"Boys, you saved my life today.

You deserve a reward.

You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Trump.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said Trump.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

"No -- but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning."


NEW Added on 1/4/2018


A woman walks into the doctors office and says,

'Doctor I hurt all over.'

The doctor says, 'That's impossible.'

'No really! Just look, when I touch my arm, ouch! it hurts.

When I touch my leg, ouch!, it hurts.

When I touch my head, ouch!, it hurts.

When I touch my chest, ouch!!, it really hurts,' she replies.

The doctor just shakes his head and says,

'You're a natural blonde aren't you?'

The woman smiles and says,

'Why yes I am. How did you know?'

The doctor replies,

'Because your finger is broken.'


NEW Added on 1/3/2018


A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

Now he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said,

"You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you gave me support.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

You know what?"

"What, my dear?" she asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."


NEW Added on 1/2/2018


There was a young lady from Nizes....

Who had breasts of two different sizes.

One was small, it was nothing at all......

But the other was large and won prizes.


NEW Added on 1/1/2018


A woman with a baby came into the doctor's office.

She was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor.

After arriving, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman,

'Is he breast fed or on the bottle?'

'Breast fed' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,'the doctor ordered. She did.

He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed he said,

No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk.'

'Naturally,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came.