 
Las Vegas Adult Entertainment
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NEW Added on 12/31/2017
 HAPPY NEW YEAR
THE GRAND FINALE
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert,
some folks, new to boating, were having a problem.
No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand
new 22 foot boat, going.
It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina,
thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.
The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down,
and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer
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NEW Added on 12/30/2017
IN THE BAR
Note: Dean Martin's Favorite Joke
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender asks him "What'll it be?"
The grasshopper says "I don't care".
The bartender says...
"Did you know that we have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper looks up at the bartender as says...
"You have a drink named Irving?"
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NEW Added on 12/29/2017
THE CUCKOLD
We had been in the crowded bar for about five minutes when a man walked in waving a forty-five caliber pistol with an eight shot clip.
The noisy bar suddenly got very quiet.
“Somebody has been fooling around with my wife Maria,” the man yelled.
“When I find out who it is I’m going to shoot him.”
From the back of the bar someone said, “Your Maria?
You Idiot, you need to go home and get a lot more ammunition than that.”
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NEW Added on 12/28/2017
HOMELESS
“Good morning, sir,” the older fellow at the door said. “I am looking for donations for a family in great need.”
A tear came to the man’s eye as he said, “Please sir, you must help. These people are in a desperate situation.”
“How many are in the family?”
“It’s a family with five children, sir. The father has been out of work for over a year now.”
“Has he been looking for work? I might be able to hire him a couple of days to do some cleanup around here.”
“He has health problems,” the man said. “The children have barely enough food to eat.”
I started to weaken.
A tear rolled down his cheek as he said,
“The worst part of the whole thing is that the family is going to be kicked out of their home.”
“Why?”
“They are three months behind in their rent. If they don’t come up with the money by Monday they will be homeless.”
“How much would it take to catch up on the rent?”
“It would only be twelve hundred dollars,” he said, with a sob.
As I reached for my checkbook I asked,
“How do you know so much about the situation? Are they family or friends?”
He said, “I’m their landlord.”
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NEW Added on 12/27/2017
THE COW, THE ANT, and THE OLD FART
A cow, an ant, and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.
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NEW Added on 12/26/2017
"Santas Pickup Lines"
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
2. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
3. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
4. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries.
6. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)
7. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
8. Forget the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!
9. Wanna join My "Mile High" club?
Alex and The Most Beautiful Women in the World,
WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A
HAPPY PEACEFUL NEW YEAR |
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NEW Added on 12/25/2017
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
A CHRISTMAS STORY
Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.
No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no damn reindeer, and no stupid clatter.
There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, my Hewlet Packard and me.
I won't race to the window, I'll have no ecstasy.
I'll just sit right here... with Windows XP.
There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.
I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.
As I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.
A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And asked, if I might like to chat for a while.
She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.
She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.
She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.
He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So, she thought she'd use it, "I guess it's all right."
She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How, she was expected to be a good wife.
She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because, she was forced, to do such silly deeds.
She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me...... she was oversexed.
She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
He's always too busy, and getting too old.
Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her, to have cyber-sex.
I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got *really* good.
After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.
She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.
She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.
She said, only.... on this night, she could be found.
It is only.... this night, her husband leaves town.
She said bye, and signed off... And, I had to pause.
I think I just cybered... with *Mrs.* Santa Claus!!!!
Alex and The Most Beautiful Women in the World,
WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A
HAPPY PEACEFUL NEW YEAR |
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NEW Added on 12/24/2017
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE XMAS
at The SOPRANO'S HOUSE
'Twas the night before christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin,
Cause I had a gun under da pilla.
When up on da roof,
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window and yelled,
"Yo!, Keep it down."
When what to my wonderin'
eyes should appear,
But the Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer.
Wit' slicked back hair,
and a red silk suit,
Don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought all da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a wack 'side dare heads,
He shouted and swore,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Vinny, Yo Paulie,
Yo Augie, Yo Vito;
Hay Tony, Hay Joey,
Hay Frankie and Guido!"
As I pulled out my gun,
And hid by da bed,
He flew in'da window,
And smacked me in'da head!
"What da hell you doin',
Pullin' a gun on da Don?"
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin moron!"
Den shovin' his finga,
Right under my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he gave dem a beatin'.
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did not expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"
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NEW Added on 12/23/2017
SANTA AND THE ANGEL
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
It had been a very stressful Christmas Eve for Santa.
Four of his elves were sick, and the trainees couldn't do the work right.
Then Mrs. Claus said that her mother was coming for a visit,
stressing Santa even more.
When he checked on his reindeer.
Three were about to give birth, and two had run off to who knows where.
Santa then decided to get coffee and a shot of whiskey.
But the elves had hit the liquor cabinet and emptied it.
Then the doorbell rang, and Santa cussed under his breath on the way to the door.
There was this little angel carrying a big Christmas tree.
She asked,
"Hey fat man, where would you like me to put this tree?"
And that is the story of how the little angel got to be on top of the Christmas tree.
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NEW Added on 12/22/2017
THE CHRISTMAS DIVORCE
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says,
"I hate to ruin your day,
but I have to tell you that your Mom and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,
so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,
" She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,
"You are NOT getting divorced.
Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says,
"the kids are coming for Christmas and paying their own way."
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NEW Added on 12/21/2017
BLONDE GUY
A Blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing,
his 4- year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy!
Uncle Ted is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
past his screaming wife, and rips open the closet door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You bastard," says the husband,
"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around
with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
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TRIBUTE TO HENNY YOUNGMAN (Take my wife....Please!)
NEW Added on 12/20/2017
Traveling Salesman
A New Yorker on business in Kentucky met a young lady in a bar,
and invited her to his room.
As she was undressing, he said,
"Say, how old are you?"
"Thirteen"
"Thirteen? Oh My God!
Get those clothes back on and get out of here."
As she was leaving, she said,
"What's the problem, Superstitious?"
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NEW Added on 12/19/2017
A SALESMAN IN SIN CITY
A salesman on business in Vegas is in a bar.
He is talking to a pretty woman for about a half hour when he realizes
she is a hooker.
"I'll give you $200 for a painful terrible bj," he says.
"Honey," she replies, "for $200 I'll give you the bj of a lifetime!"
"You don't understand," he says,
"I'm not horny, just homesick."
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TRIBUTE TO HENNY YOUNGMAN (Take my wife....Please!)
NEW Added on 12/18/2017
The Drunk
This drunk was sitting in a bar, crying like a baby.
The bartender asked what was wrong.
"I did a terrible thing tonight,.......
I sold my wife to a guy for a bottle of scotch"
That's terrible, don't you want her back?
Oh yes I do....
You still love her, don't you......
No, no, said the drunk,
"I wish I had her back because......
I'm thirsty again"
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NEW Added on 12/17/2017
More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS
"When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.........
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise."
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NEW Added on 12/16/2017
More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS
"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:.............
What was I thinking?"
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NEW Added on 12/15/2017
More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS
"As you grow older, Mom,
I think of all that you've given me.....
Like the need for 10 years of therapy..."
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NEW Added on 12/14/2017
More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS
"How could two people as beautiful you............
have such an ugly baby?"
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NEW Added on 12/13/2017
More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.....
So we're having you put to sleep."
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NEW Added on 12/12/2017
REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS
"I must admit, you brought Religion into my life...........
I never believed in Hell until I met you."
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NEW Added on 12/11/2017
More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.......
that you're not here to ruin it for me."
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NEW Added on 12/10/2017
More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS
"Congratulations on your wedding day!.............
Too bad no one likes your wife."
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NEW Added on 12/9/2017
More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS
"We have been friends for a very long time...........
What do you say we call it quits?"
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NEW Added on 12/8/2017
More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my
best friend.......
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
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NEW Added on 12/7/2017
More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...............
Did you ever find out who the father was?"
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NEW Added on 12/6/2017
More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS
"You look great for your age.......
Almost Lifelike!"
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NEW Added on 12/5/2017
More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS
"Someday I hope to get married............
but not to you."
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NEW Added on 12/4/2017
REJECTED HALLMARK CARD
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship.....
and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you a bunch, and think of you often."
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NEW Added on 12/3/2017
BARBIE
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and
he hadn't bought her a present.
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager
'How much is that new Barbie in the window?'
The Manager replied, 'Which one?
We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95..
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95..
and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00'.
'Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?' the Dad asked.
'Divorced Barbie comes with........
Ken's car,
Ken's house,
Ken's boat,
Ken's dog,
Ken's cat and
Ken's furniture.'
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NEW Added on 12/2/2017
More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.........
After having met you,
I've changed my mind."
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NEW Added on 12/1/2017
THE DRUNK
A drunk is weaving down the road when a cop pulls him over.
The cop says,
"Did you know that a few intersections back your wife fell out of the car?"
The drunk says,
"That's great news.
For a minute, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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