Las Vegas Adult Entertainment
NEW Added on 11/30/2017
"My, oh my" exclaims this lady after having gazed at the child sitting in the stroller
of her friend,
"what an extraordinary baby!
Blue eyes, but slant-eyed, curly hair, but blonde, and olive skin......
I've never seen anything like it!"
"Well, yeah" says her friend,
"actually, he's the result of a group sex evening...
Honestly, we're just so happy he doesn't bark!"
NEW Added on 11/29/2017
THE DEAD PARROT
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah, yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod".
She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief,
so I hit her with your new Wilson Staff DXi Super Light golf club with the Matrix Ozik Xcon-4.1 graphite shaft."
VERY LONG SILENCE............
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."
NEW Added on 11/28/2017
IN THE BAR
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.
He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul,
"you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got
an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up,
"I finally got up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff,
"When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul,
"but I was worried I'd get an erection again.
So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell.
She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
NEW Added on 11/27/2017
Q. & A.
Q. What is the best way to remember your wife's birthday?
A. Forget it once.
NEW Added on 11/26/2017
Q. Why can't a Blonde dial 911?
A. She can't find the eleven.
NEW Added on 11/25/2017
THE CHOKING VICTIM
Two Texans were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed
a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing.
One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his
big Texan hands and said,
'Kin ya swaller?'
She shook her head 'no.'
'Kin ya breathe?'
Again she shakes her head 'no.'
The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands,
turns her over, pulls up her skirt,
pulls down her panties and licks her right on the bottom!
The young woman was so shocked that she coughed, causing the food to dislodge.
The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls up her skirt, turns her right side up,
tips his hat and returns to his seat.
His companion is sitting there stunned.
'I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!'
he says to his heroic friend.
'Yep, I tell ya, that Hind Lick maneuver works every time!'
NEW Added on 11/24/2017
THE BLONDE WAITRESS
Q: How can you tell which Blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
NEW Added on 11/23/2017
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do.
These walls are paper thin.
In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code.
For example, how about asking,
'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks,
"I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it,"
replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she
nudged her husband and said,
"I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all.
Would you like to do some laundry?"
"No, thanks," said the husband.
"It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
NEW Added on 11/22/2017
One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in.
He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again.
"9.30 Sunday okay?"
George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late, Wait for me."
The following Sunday George showed up right on time.
Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.
They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30.
George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."
The next Sunday there was George, punctual on the dot.
This time he played right-handed and beat them again
. "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?"
One of the foursome asked.
George said, "Sure if I'm ten minutes late..."
Another golfer jumped in.
"Wait a minute... You always say you may be ten minutes late.
But you're always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."
George said, "Well, that's true - I'm superstitious.
If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed.
If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."
"What if she's lying on her back?"
George said, "That's when I'm ten minutes late!"
NEW Added on 11/21/2017
THE CONSTRUCTION SITE
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy,
"You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while.
I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns,
the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom.
You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies,
but he hasa disappeared and
I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, And you,
I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get
meself a shoovel!
Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies,
boot ah couldnay fin' him either."
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile
of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...
Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells......
NEW Added on 11/20/2017
A husband and wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work.
The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over,
weeding flowers from the flower bed.
The man says to his wife,
"Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill."
She ignored the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill,
then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over,
measures her rear end and gasps,
"Geez, your butt really IS as wide as the grill!"
She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky.
The wife calmly responds,
"If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener,
you are sadly mistaken."
NEW Added on 11/19/2017
Two Blondes went to the country market.
While they were there, they each bought a horse.
When they got home, they discussed how to tell their horses apart.
They decided to cut the tail off of one.
That worked for a while, but soon the tail grew back,
so they decided that they would tie a red bow around one of the horses' necks.
One of the Blondes said,
"Which of the horses should we put the red bow on,
the brown one or the white one?"
NEW Added on 11/18/2017
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN:
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with "Because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
NEW Added on 11/17/2017
Three little old ladies are sitting on a park bench,
when a man in a trench coat walks up to them, opens the coat,
and flashes them!
The first woman is so shocked, she immediately has a stroke.
The second lady is also pretty shocked, and also has a stroke.
The third lady has a really bad case of arthritis,
so she can't get her hand high enough to have a stroke.
NEW Added on 11/16/2017
Q: How did the Blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zamboni machine.
NEW Added on 11/15/2017
BLONDE Q & A
Q: Why aren't Blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!
NEW Added on 11/14/2017
A little girl says to a little boy,
"Hey, Tommy, want to play house?"
He says, "Sure. What do I have to do?"
She says, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
He says, "I have no idea what that means."
She says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
NEW Added on 11/13/2017
Q. & A.
Q. How are politicians like diapers?
A. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
NEW Added on 11/12/2017
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away,
and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3-wood and, Boom! Hole-in-one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,
"What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game,
the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says,
"Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful".
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.
So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
NEW Added on 11/11/2017
Harry's reading the paper at breakfast and he says,
"Look at this.
Another beautiful actress is gonna marry a football player who's a total dope.
I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."
His wife says, "Thank you."
NEW Added on 11/10/2017
Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other
about his sex life.
The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active.
The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age
so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.
"Well," answered the man,
"I eat rye bread everyday.
That is my secret.
If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."
The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby.
He tells the baker that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock...
...The baker then asks the man,
"do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?"
The man looks puzzled and asks the baker,
"what is the difference?"
The baker responds,
"Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."
To which the man responded,
"How come everyone knew about this but me......?"
NEW Added on 11/9/2017
Two women are playing golf on a sunny Saturday morning...
The first of the twosome tees off and watches in horror as her ball hurtles
directly towards a group of men playing the next hole
hitting one of the men, who immediately crumples to the ground,
both hands clenched firmly between his legs.
The women rush over...
'I'm really, really sorry,' says the woman who teed off.
'Please allow me to help you
I am a physical therapist and I can ease the pain if you'd allow me.'
'Oooh - ahhh - oooooh!' screams the man,
writhing around on the ground
his hands still firmly entrenched between his legs.
'I'll be all right in a couple of minutes'
Persistent the woman pins him down and unbuckles his belt.
Then she loosens his trousers, slips her hand inside and massages his groin.
'How does that feel?' the woman asks.
'It feels absolutely great,' says the man, smiling,
'but my thumb still hurts like hell!'
NEW Added on 11/8/2017
“Does Robby still run that golf course and country club that he owns up in North Carolina?”
“No. He sold it for about twenty million dollars and retired,” Charlie told me.
“Remember, Robby is older than us. He’s seventy one years old now.”
Just then, a stunning blonde wearing a bikini walked across the deck.
I have never seen a bathing suit look so good on a twenty-five year old female.
“My sight’s not good,” Charlie said, “but I sure saw that.”
Our friend Robby came up on the deck and took a seat at the table.
The Blonde came up behind Robby’s chair and put her arms around his neck.
“Robby, honey, I’m going to that little dress shop across the street,” she said, giving him a kiss as she left.
“Oh, my God,” I said. “Where did you get a trophy girlfriend like that?”
“Girlfriend?” Robby said. “That’s my new wife, not my girlfriend.
And I got her by lying about my age.”
“What did you do?” Charlie asked. “Tell her you were fifty?”
“Hell, no,” Robby said.
“I told her I was ninety.”
NEW Added on 11/7/2017
THE AEROBICS CLASS
I saw JoAnn at the store yesterday.
“Hey, did you try the aerobics class?” I asked.
“How was it?”
“It was one of the most painful and embarrassing things I’ve ever done,” she said.
“Oh, everyone is a little sore after the first day or two,” I told her. “It’s to be expected.”
“Not like this,” she said.
“What do you mean?”
“I bent, I twisted, jumped up and down and sweated for an hour.
But by the time I got my tights on the class was over.”
NEW Added on 11/6/2017
“Bad News,” he said. “My Chihuahua just killed your Rottweiler.”
“What!? How did it happen?”
“My dog got stuck in your dog’s throat.”
NEW Added on 11/5/2017
BLONDE AND BRUNETTE
A Blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
NEW Added on 11/4/2017
Mindi and Sylvia go to the zoo.
A gorilla breaks out of his cage, grabs Sylvia, throws her down,
rips off all her clothes, and has animal pounding sex with her.
The zookeeper pulls the gorilla off, and takes poor Sylvia to the hospital.
A few days later, Mindi goes to visit her.
She says, "So how you are feeling, Sylvia?"
"So how should I feel?
He doesn't call, he doesn't write..."
NEW Added on 11/3/2017
Q & A
Q. Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
A. They're too bitter.
NEW Added on 11/2/2017
THE DOCTORS OFFICE
A guy says to his doctor,
"I can't sleep, but I can't take pills, either."
The doctor says,
"No problem. Here's a suppository with a sleeping pill in it."
The next day the doctor calls the guy and says, "Did it work?"
The guy says,
"It worked too well,
I woke up with my finger in my ass."
NEW Added on 11/1/2017
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class about the difference between
right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take another example," she said.
"If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money,
what would I be?"
A little girl raised her hand, and said,
"You'd be his wife."