THE DOCTORS OFFICE
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar,
It is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains,
"Well, doc, it's like this.
First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, but nothing.
Then her left, but nothing.
She even tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in,
then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
Hell, we even called up the lady next door,
and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked.
"You asked your NEIGHBOR?"
The old man replied,
"Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
IN THE BAR
'Line me up three shots of your best scotch whiskey.'
The bartender walks over and promptly sets the three shots in front of him.
The guy immediately downs all three shots.
The bartender looks at him and says,
'Man, you really drank those fast - what's up?'
The fellow replies,
'Bartender if you had what I have you would have done the same thing!'
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the bartender,
'what do you have?' The guy replies,
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.
4/9/1926 ----- 9/27/2017
Rest-In-Peace my friend,
HAVING A BABY
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that
would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain
than the father had ever experienced before.
But as labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the
doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably,
he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch...
THE SPERM BANK
I'm of Royal Blood with an I.Q. of 165,
I'd like to make a donation.
The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.
20 minutes later the man hasn't come out,
the nurse knocks on the door.
"Is there a problem?"
"I'm so embarrassed........
I used my right hand........
I used my left hand.
I poured cold water on it and........
hot water on it.
Could you help me?
The nurse replied
"I don't usually do this but you're kinda cute..."
She reaches down and begins to stroke him.
"I really appreciate this, but.........
I need help getting the cap off the jar!
The first Blonde said, "These look like deer tracks."
The other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks!"
They argued for quite a while.
In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them.
'Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned.'
The priest asked, 'What did you do, my son?'
'I lusted,' the fellow replied.
'Tell me about it,' the priest said.
The fellow then related his story.
'Father, I am a delivery man for UPS.
Yesterday I was making a delivery in a wealthy section of the city.
When I rang the bell........
the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds.
She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect body.
And, she asked if I would like to come in.'
'And, what did you do, my son?' asked the priest.
'Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted.
Oh, how I lusted,' replied the man.
'Your sin has been forgiven,' replied the priest.
'You will get your reward in heaven, my son.'
'A reward, father?
What do you think my reward might be?' the fellow asked.
The priest replied,
'I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass.'
The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions,
but he couldn’t get a clear picture of the problems.
Finally he asked,
"Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did she look?"
"Oh boy, she looked very angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex.
That seems somewhat unusual.
How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window."
Q & A
A: Men always miss them.
BLONDE Q & A
A: To put their feet through.
Q: What's a Brunette's mating call?
A: Has that Blonde gone yet?
He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard,
usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts.
He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible,
hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more.
Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited.
The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.
'Excuse me', our man stammered,
'but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is.'
'Yeah? So?' his hulking neighbor replied.
'Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are.
I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts.'
The burly husband is about to deck the guy when his wife appears and stops him.
She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments.
Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
'OK,' the husband says gruffly,
'for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts.'
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire burst free.
Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy.
This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.
'Well, come on already, kiss 'em!' he growls.
'I can't.' replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
'Why not?' demands the husband, getting really angry now.
'I don't have ten thousand dollars!'
Just as he was starting down the steep other side,
he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road,
making wild and passionate love.
In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them.
He realized that they were not going to stop or get out of his way,
so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.
Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck.
He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled,
'What the hell's the matter with you two?
Didn't you hear me blowing the horn?
You could have been killed!'
Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned
'Look, I was coming,
she was coming,
and you were coming.
You were the only one with brakes.........'
A: Because she loved children.
Q: Why did the Blonde print TGIF in all her Shoes?
A: So she could remember that "Toes Go In First"!
The first passenger, Barack Obama said,
"I am the President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility,
being leader of nearly 300 million people and a superpower."
So he takes the first parachute and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger said, "I'm Antoine Walker,
one of the best NBA basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me so
I can't afford to die."
So he takes the second parachute and leaves the plane.
The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said,
"I am Secretary of State, I am running for President,
and I am the smartest woman in the world."
So she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.
The fourth passenger, an old man, says to the fifth passenger,
a 10 year-old Boy Scout,
"I am old and frail and I don't have many years left so as a Christian gesture
and a good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The Boy Scout said,
"It's okay, there's a parachute left for you.
The world's smartest woman took my backpack."
A. You can park in handicapped zones.
He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher.
The minister notices the old drunk and says,
'Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk looks back and says,
'Yes, preacher, I sure am.'
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
'Have you found Jesus?' the preacher asks.
'Nooo, I didn't!' said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says,
'Now, brother, have you found Jesus?'
'Noooo, I have not, reverend.'
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time,
brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone,
'My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?'
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
THE DOCTORS OFFICE
'Mr. Jones, the doctor told me that he needs you to give a urine sample,
a stool sample and a sperm sample before he examines you.'
The old man looked up at the nurse, cupped his right ear and said,
'What did you say?'
The nurse came a little closer and said very loudly,
'We're going to need you to give a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.
The old man leaned forward and said,
'What did you say, young lady?', then turning to his wife next to him he shouted,
'what did she say?'
His wife leaned over and shouted in his ear,
'She said she wants your shorts!'
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary,
"I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "What was your toast?"
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the top prize the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
"I was a bit surprised!
You know, he's only been there twice!
Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
16th Anniversary SEPTEMBER 11th
Don't ever forget SEPTEMBER 11, 2001!
He walks up to the driver and says,
"I clocked you doing over 80 mph, sir".
"Gee officer," says the driver,"
I had it on cruise control at 60".
"Don't be silly dear," the wife chimes in.
"This car doesn't have cruise control."
As the cop begins to write the ticket, the husband growls to his wife,
"Can't you just shut the hell up?"
The wife smiles and says,
"You should be happy the radar detector went off when it did."
"A radar detector?" says the officer,
He starts to write up a second ticket.
"Damn it woman," screams the husband,
"keep your damn mouth shut!"
The officer bends down, looks at the woman and asks,
"Does he always talk to you like that?"
"Oh heavens no," she replies,
"only when he's been drinking."
Molly said, "My family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all his sheep.
It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see New Your City and
I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated, but decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate".
"My cousin Mary has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big,
she can only fasten-eight..........."
THE SPERM BANK
A. They discovered she'd been embezzling.
BOY AND GIRL
each trying to outdo the other. The little boy said, "I've got five marbles."
The little girl said, "Well, I've got six marbles."
The little boy then said, "Well, I've got eight pennies."
To which the little girl replied, "I've got a dime."
The little boy then dropped his pants and said,
"Well, I've got one of these."
The little girl proceeded to lift up her dress, and said,
"I've got one of THESE......... .....and my Mom says....
with one of these.......
I can have as many of THOSE as I want."
A. Her ankles.
Q and A
THE YOUNG NURSE
an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose...
...still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask.
"Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies "I don't know sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet!"
He struggles to ask again "Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from worry....
she overcomes her worry and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand....
and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then she takes a close look and says
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her and says very slowly:
"Thank you very much.
That was wonderful....
but listen very, very closely.
A. Locking the car door
BAD BLIND DATE
"Terrible!" the roommate answered.
"He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car.
What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."